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Desperate to get her back, our unborn son deserves but of his mum and dad!

(76 Posts)
Hopeimallowed Sat 07-Sep-13 06:49:51

Firstly, I hope it's not inappropriate for me as a man to venture on here for help and apologies if it is? Yes, a relationship has gone wrong, yes I am to blame, yes I love her and yes, I want us to be a family both for the benefit of our unborn son and for us. My girlfriend fell pregnant after only 3 months, we're not young, I'm 10+ years older than her (she is 30+) and after a few weeks of knowing she was pregnant I acted like a total idiot and distanced myself from her completely. I kept in touch by text almost daily and saw her a few times, went to the 20 week scan but, through what I now know was a fear of commitment having been both 'cleaned out' financially and emotionally in the past, I lied to both myself and her and said I didn't think we had a future together. That was one of the biggest mistakea I have made in my entire life, I've been a total idiot, I now know I love her to bits, I very much want her back for her and for us to bring up our unborn son as a family (she has 8 weeks to go). Having seen her about 5 weeks ago I very much knew this but I missed the opportunity to tell her, having tried to we see her again I then got the bombshell by text that she had met somebody else, it destroyed me and the feeling I had only confirmed to me how much I love this woman. I have emailed and text and asked her to see me but to no avail, I strongly believe we owe it to our unborn sun to try every possible avenue in our relationship before we completely walk away. I want to be there for our son regardless, but he deserves better from us both as his parents. No, we don't know each other having only been together for a few months but I love her, I want her, I will give her my everything and I have told her that both by email and text, sadly she will not see me face to face. I have asked to meet to discuss the future well being and upbringing of our son but have had no response. I don't wish to have confrontation, my texts, my emails and my calls receive no response. I know I have let both her and our unborn son down, I was a total idiot but the last few months has proved to me how much I love this woman, I want to commit my all to her but am failing miserably in being able to prove it given my performance to date, but I hold my hands high and admit it and just ask for the opportunity for a second chance. Can anybody advise on how I may be able to rescue this tragic situation so that we can give our son the very best opportunity when he arrives in this world? I know it's a tough call and like I said at the beginning I apologise if it is inappropriate in this forum (let alone the length of my ramblings) but I could find nowhere else to go.
Thank you in anticipation and indeed for reading this far.

Boomba Sat 07-Sep-13 06:57:09

I think the only chance you have, is to be a loving and reliable father to your child, and hope that given time she will forgive you and fall in love with you again. But it is probably unlikely, given that she has met someone else

InsultingBadger Sat 07-Sep-13 07:00:55

You need to prove to her that you can be a consistent father then maybe she will see what you want her to. Actions speak louder than words

TeeBee Sat 07-Sep-13 07:06:15

Of course it's not inappropriate, you are very welcome here. But we are very straight talking, so be prepared for that.

If I got pregnant and the father of my child reacted like that, I also would have nothing to do with him. Anyone who is unsure of their feelings towards me would have to go in that situation. Just because you have suddenly had a personal epiphany, I don't really see why you are expecting her to roll over. It is not in her best interests, or the best interests of your child to be with two people who dont have their relationship sorted.

My best advice would be to leave her alone. Be a decent man and respect her wishes, if you care one jot about her. Give her some space, then offer her support with your son. You will still be his dad. Start thinking how you can play a major role in your child's life and hopefully have a good relationship with the child's mother. Then, maybe you can salvage some type of relationship.

davidtennantsmistress Sat 07-Sep-13 07:06:53

Agreed, in her mind you will have left during a time which was meant to be special and with her at her most vulnerable. I think currently any hope of a reconciliation needs to be back footed until you prove she can rely on you to be there.

something2say Sat 07-Sep-13 07:12:31

Also you sound as tho you have made your decision and she has to abide by it.

Endless calls and texts that she simply has to respond to right?

Otherwise what?

You are bordering on harassment. Be careful she doesn't report you.

I'd back right off if I were you and suffer the consequences of your actions and wait to see what she does. N you abandoned your pg girlfriend at a vulnerable time. She would be foolish to trust you now.

TiredyCustards Sat 07-Sep-13 07:14:47

Sounds like you've blown it. Focus on being a good father and stop pressuring her.

This talk of the dc deserving both his parents sounds like you're trying to guilt trip her into a relationship, sorry.

kittybiscuits Sat 07-Sep-13 07:16:47

I notice, OP, how much you swing between taking the blame and saying everything is your fault, then actually inferring criticism on your ex for not 'doing the best' for your unborn child. Given the way you have behaved, I don't think that will help you. In fact some people might think it is an abusive trait. Did your realisation that you love her coincide with realising that she had moved on?

If you are serious about wanting to be with your ex, and are not just having a tantrum because you didn't get to click your fingers and get her to come back, I would focus on listening to her, respecting her wishes and supporting her in any way she allows you to. But mostly, if I were you, I would concentrate on not stalking her, and on looking at your tendency to feel blame for your ex, even though this came about through your actions. I don't mean to be unkind. No one owes you a second chance. Acting as though you deserve it is awful. You can't commit your all to her. You don't know her well enough. Maybe take your foot off the gas because you are adding pressure to the situation. As others have suggested, be a decent Dad and see if anything changes in time.

christinarossetti Sat 07-Sep-13 07:17:01

I don't understand why the text was such a bookshell if you were the one who left and hadn't made any attempts at a reconciliation.

Tbh sounds like it was fact that she met someone else spurred you into action which is called jealousy not love.

TiredDog Sat 07-Sep-13 07:22:42

I think the best you can do is back off, offer support (yes that does mean financial) and say you wish to be a part of your sons life.

It does sound as if you think she should just accept your whims on this relationship. I cannot imagine how she felt dumped and pregnant. I am also tempted to think you thought she'd stay available for you to pick up if you didn't get a better offer and when it wasn't 'challenging'. I.e. not expected to offer any support to a pregnant woman.

Ask yourself what your honest reaction will be if you have no chance with her and she stays with another man? Will you financially support that child willingly? Will you put your own feelings second and commit to giving the mother of your son enough support to bring up the child unstressed and threatened? If so...you should be able to come to a parenting arrangement which means your son benefits.

If you have a reaction of a toddler denied their toy then she's best off never seeing you ever again

tribpot Sat 07-Sep-13 07:24:07

the last few months has proved to me how much I love this woman

But they didn't prove it to her. The few months before that proved that you didn't love her, and were willing to ditch her whilst she was pregnant. She is in the last weeks of pregnancy, having done it all essentially alone, and now you're wanting detailed discussions about the upbringing of a baby who isn't even born yet. Frankly I wouldn't want to talk to you either - you've done enough damage for this pregnancy and can flipping well wait til she's ready to talk on the other side of it. Why would she let you back in? You might decide it was 'all too much' and do a bunk - again.

I'm not suggesting you aren't sincere in your remorse - you aren't the first person to panic in pregnancy or in any highly charged emotional situation. You aren't the first person who genuinely regrets the things said in the past and the damage that they did.

But sometimes you don't get a second chance. She doesn't have to come back to you for the sake of the baby. This is not the moral imperative you seem to think it is. Above all the baby needs stability and to be quite honest you represent a risk to that, whatever your good intentions are now.

If she's met someone else - well, tough, I'm afraid. You had your chance and it looks as if you may have blown it. She was a free agent and just as entitled to meet someone new as you were.

You can still co-parent successfully although you may need to be very patient in the early days when the baby needs close contact with its mother. Phrases like 'raise the baby as a family' just get on my wick - there's more than one type of family. But what unites all the good ones is that the baby knows it is loved and cherished by all the parents involved in its care, and that all the parents demonstrate mutual respect and kindness towards one another.

Bottom line: this isn't about you and what you want. You can't expect her to come back just because you're sorry. You can make clear that you respect her new relationship but you love her and would really like to give things another try, but in the meantime you want to be the best dad you can be. Good luck.

Chubfuddler Sat 07-Sep-13 07:30:21

What they all said. Constantly texting calling and emailing a woman, especially when she is 32 weeks pregnant, is bordering on harassment. In fact it is harassment.

She's not an incubator and she doesn't have to be in a relationship with you. Sorry but that's the fact of the matter. Back off, send her one email stating that you care deeply for her and apologise for the past including the pestering, reassure her that you will provide financial support and want to be involved with the child. That's all you can do.

If she doesn't name you on the birth certificate (and she doesn't have to) it is fairly straightforward to get parental responsibility.

But the best thing you can do is get it into your head that you're not entitled to a romantic relationship with her just because you are having a child together and respect her wishes. Sounds like you think you should call the shots - first you dump her, then you want her back and expect her to fall into line. It doesn't work that way.

Chubfuddler Sat 07-Sep-13 07:31:25

X post with tribpot. Totally agree.

It is not inappropriate for you to ask this question.

But there are women here who HAVE been abandoned by the father of their child, who HAVE had to deal with endless phone calls and texts when he 'sees the light', who HAVE found the strength to go on, to deal with pregnancy alone, to bring up a child with no support from the father.

It is those women I admire and respect.

You acted immorally and in a cowardly way. It is to your credit that you now realise this, but in her shoes it would take a very long time to forgive you and would be impossible to trust you ever again.

If she wants you to have a relationship with this child, then do it RIGHT. if she doesn't want to see you ever again, do that properly as well and respect her.

sad

something2say Sat 07-Sep-13 07:36:13

I must ask as well, what happened within the last few months to make you realis pe you love her? You haven't been together so presumably you haven't been having a wonderful time together, so is it all in your mind? And you want her to plan her life sound your quicksand, which may not turn out to be safe for her, based on your track record, and she won't..and what?

I think you have blown it and ought to back off and do what the others suggest ie be a good dad, give money for your child and not be jealous that she met someone else. If you try to use the child as a way to control her then this is abusive and controlling and you saying that you are the man and what you want goes and you will drag her back because she has to do what you want and you will use a baby to control her. I would proceed very carefully if I were you if you want to demonstrate that you are a good guy.

Are you a good guy? Leaving her when pg and then demanding her back? And then harassing her and coming on her asking us to help get what you want regardless of her wishes?

Dam58 Sat 07-Sep-13 07:38:04

Seems to me you only really realised you loved her when she met someone else? Bet you didn't expect that did you?

I wonder if this apiphany would have occured had she not?

It is quite common for some men to enjoy the control a pregnant woman affords them.

I really hope she's not foolish enough to feel she owes you anything or that it is better for her son if she is with you.

Boomba Sat 07-Sep-13 07:41:45

Actually looking after a brand new baby, is a massive shock to the system. You might freak out and leggit again. I think she would be ill advised, to take you back

christinarossetti Sat 07-Sep-13 07:45:36

Agree. OP you've got plenty of work to do in terms of being a decent role model for your son and the values (I assume) you would like him to have ie honesty, loyalty, respect for others, integrity, self-awareness etc

Maybe focus your energy on that rather than harassing a heavily pregnant woman.

calmingtea Sat 07-Sep-13 07:50:30

Let her go. And get a nice therapist so you can work out why you behaved like an man-child and then followed it up by harassing and controlling her with endless messages. You seem to lack any empathy in your post for what you did to her, you utterly destroyed her and was not there for her during her pregnancy, at a time when she is feeling in need of support. She doesn't owe you a happy family.

If I were to take back a man, in a scenario like this, I would run the other way if I was put under pressure. You need to back off and prove that you are changing. See a therapist, make changes and hope. It is her choice at the end of the day.

missalien Sat 07-Sep-13 07:51:18

I too think you have blown it and I bet you got a massive rush of physical emotion when she said she had met someone else .

Just because you have feelings it doesn't make the situation right mr "meant to be " . Love isn't enough. Trust ? Stability ?

Look , if you love and care for them , there is only one thing you need to do here . Respect her wishes as a mother and listen to her . Listen. Learn . Let her be the mother she wants to be. Let her go and carve her way with baby and partner and then when you have earned some trust only then will you be able to be a father .

There is a much bigger picture here which does not revolve around your emotions and wishes .

I think you have been very weak and that is the last think she would want in her life at the moment and yes honestly it is too little too late .

Man up , step up , listen , be patient . Earn her trust .

TVTonight Sat 07-Sep-13 07:51:24

I'm also going to urge you to step back.

Have a think back to when you were behaving like an idiot: think about perhaps write down some of the things you said and did.

Now she will believe you meant those, and you have to accept that. And she won't/shouldn't believe that over the space of a few weeks that you've fundamentally altered - you are forty FGS!
A few texts will persuade no-one that the level of flakiness you have Shown has gone away.

In your position I think your best options are to:start respecting her decisions; you need to behave like a decent father from day 1 and you need to accept that how you behaved is (rightly) for most people unforgivable, and still choose to behave respectfully and decently.

You have ruined enough of her pregnancy so No More Drama please

TiredDog Sat 07-Sep-13 07:55:54

Loads of good advice on here OP. It's your reaction that is going to be telling.

I doubt you are capable of putting yourself in her shoes and considering what is best for her. That's what someone who really loved her would do.

Best for you would be to scupper her new relationship, place emotional guilt on her about 'doing the right thing by her unborn son', show the pics of newborn to your mates and absorb congratulations about being a dad and then probably fuck off just when the lack of sleep hits hardest

Think hard

perfectstorm Sat 07-Sep-13 07:56:01

I think you need to take a step back, and then read what chubfuddler and tribpot have said.

Bluntly, not one single word you have written sounds loving to me. It is all about you and how you feel, with a slice of self-righteousness in your insistence that risking a romantic relationship with you is automatically in your child's best interests. (As the product of an incredibly nasty divorce when I was 3, I can assure you that it is not a slam-dunk assumption at all.) If you love her you will realise you have caused her huge and devastating pain, that as a result she is under no obligation whatsoever to feel anything towards you but resentment, and that if she has met someone else you should respect that, wish her well, and offer whatever support she needs to parent. That is how you show her you love her. Not by making demands and focusing on your needs, but by trying to make your presence in her life less of a strain, drain and misery than it must have been for the duration of her pregnancy.

Love is not dwelling on how you feel. It is being mindful of how the loved one feels. You sound obsessed, to be honest, and that's not remotely related to love.

Chubfuddler Sat 07-Sep-13 08:00:17

Well op. every single response has been along the same lines.

What do you think you are going to do?

Roshbegosh Sat 07-Sep-13 08:01:26

Next time, if a pregnancy is so horrifying for you, keep the sperm under wraps.

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