I apologise for the vast length of this especially because it's very trivial compared to the amount of shit a lot of you have to deal with on the relationships board. 
Huge glass of 
to anyone who makes it to the end without needing a nap half way through. 
Background is been with DH 18 years, married 14 years, 3 dds (20, 10 and 6). Mostly a happy relationship although we've had our fair share of ups and downs, but on the whole he's my best friend and the one person I thought I could trust implicitly. We've always had very good communication and generally talk through most things with each other.
There have been some issues in the past with his "interest" in other women or rather a bit of flirting, wandering eye and some porn. These are things that I have NOT been ok with and have told him so. They have tended to only occur when we're going through a bad time, either as a couple or individually. First time was about 15 years ago, we'd been together 2 years at that point and I wasn't sure whether a long term relationship was exactly what I wanted at that point in my life (I was only 18 at the time). We went on separate holidays that year, and for me it was pretty much to decide if I actually wanted to continue the relationship or not. Obviously I chose to stay with him when I came back but it turned out that whilst away he'd had a bit of a snog (nothing more - he says) with a bar maid whilst away. (Holidays were really tame affairs, his in Edinburgh to do a martial arts display at the festival with his martial arts group and mine with a friend in Blackpool). It hurt that he had kissed someone else, but under the circumstances I could understand why he did it. He said he was convinced I was going to end it when we got back, so I forgave him and we moved on.
Fast forward another 8 years and I was pregnant with dd2 and found him using porn. At the time we were going through a massive amount of stress - pregnancy wasn't planned, we were living in the shittiest house known to man, he had not long lost his job, DSD had turned into Kevin the teenager, his mother had just become very ill and was in hospital, dd1 was 3 and was incredibly difficult to deal with - tantrums off the charts, not very verbal at all, very subdued and couldn't be left with anyone but me or DH (would scream the place down) so we had absolutely no time together as a couple. We now know she is Autistic but at the time had no idea whatsoever. He knew I hated porn, wasn't comfortable with it, from both a feminist point of view and I saw it as cheating, so when I caught him I hit the roof. What got me at the time though was I was incredibly horny all the time due to pregnancy hormones yet it still wasn't enough! Somehow we worked through it and he promised to stop. At the time I just had to believe him because I was pregnant and under immense pressure looking after dd1 all day.
Then when dd2 was a few months old I caught him with the porn again. I had PND by this point and was hardly even thinking about sex let alone having it so I suppose I felt guilty in a way. (Although he never put pressure on me to have sex). His mother was still in hospital, he was still unemployed and dd1 had started nursery but couldn't be left so he'd end having to spend the session with her 5 days a week. My mother was interfering more than ever before (had always been a problem, but now was horrendous). And DSD had decided at 14 that staying out over night and not telling us where she was on a regular basis was perfectly acceptable. So again I hit the roof but let it go.
Then fast forward another few years, we've finally managed to move house, he has a job, dd1 was a little easier to handle now she was in school. But our relationship was practically falling apart, I think the stress of everything from the past few years just caught up with us and we took it out on each other. He was more interested in his new workmates and I wasn't in the least bit interested in him really, was very focused on the kids and my mother was constantly in my bloody ear. We argued all the time! He started flirting, a lot! Both in real life with new female workmates and online on FB. It was almost painful to watch it play out on my timeline on FB. At one point one girl asked him "Oh X why did you ever get married"? 
Yeah we rowed about that one. I was at the end of my tether, so was he. We finally decided to have a trial separation because we were killing each other (metaphorically). But when it hit me that he would be moving out I couldn't do it, I didn't want him to go. I sobbed, cried etc. He said up until that point he thought I didn't love him anymore, that I was just going through the motions. He flirted to get attention and to make me jealous so I'd notice him. Not exactly mature, but after everything we'd had going on, understandable. So we decided to make a go of it again. We had a few sessions with Relate which helped, he promised he would stop with the flirting, gave me full access to his FB, laptop and phone until I felt I could trust him again.
And he did stop. We've been great ever since, that was 4 years ago. We hardly ever even argue now, if we do it's only about who's turn it is to do the dishes or something as trivial. We're a team, always back each other up, always talk things through. Until...he went on a friend's stag night on Saturday night. Wasn't a big one and he doesn't often go out (once every few months). I said to him beforehand (because after reading it on here enough times I wanted it to be very clear) that I wasn't ok with strip clubs and if he went to one I classed it as cheating. He promised he wouldn't go near one (and as far as I know kept his promise).
Whilst he was out I had a really weird feeling, uncomfortable is the only way to describe it really. I was convinced he would go to a strip club, or cheat. I have no idea why, we've been good for so long now and I've never been bothered when he's been on nights out before. I checked to see if he'd worn his wedding ring, he hadn't. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing as he's very forgetful and often forgets to wear it on a daily basis anyway, but it really bothered me. He came home in the early hours, obviously pissed, but nothing out of the ordinary.
The next day he was far more attentive than usual, which made me suspicious, like he felt guilty, that coupled with my feelings from the night before and a few weird comments he made I was convinced he'd cheated. Later that night I got myself all worked up and ended up in tears (stupid cow ), he said he was sorry. He hadn't cheated or been to a strip club but had been properly looking at other women - I know we all look but he said he wanted them to notice him and he actually got a bit upset that none of them chatted him up. He swears he never chatted them up or cheated etc. And I believe him (I think). He's very sorry and is sucking up to me like you wouldn't believe.
So, I should be happy that he never cheated right? And although he did some ogling it's not the end of the world, yet why do I feel as shite as I do? I feel like a fool. I'm at home with his kids whilst he's out and ogling loads of sexy women. I mean I'm not exactly at my best physically anymore (7 years after my last baby I still have 5 stone of baby weight to lose ). My self esteem isn't normally very high anyway but this has made me feel worthless, I feel crushed. 
And I keep asking myself why? Why now? Our relationship is the best it's ever been, the kids (all 3 of them) are doing better than ever now, so why now? I have in the last month finally gone no contact with my Narcissistic mother, and he's been a massive support, my rock. I've found it really hard, my sister has stopped talking to me, I have no friends because my mother managed to isolate me so much and he's really been there for me. I feel like he's waited until I'm at my most vulnerable and kicked me while I'm down. (I know that it's not really like that, but that's how I feel). He can give no explanation for why he did what he did, because normally he's not like that at all when out.
And I know it's really not a big deal. So why the hell has it upset so much? 
Last night I started screaming at him that he was a shit, he made me feel worthless and if wasn't for that fact that he had no where to go I'd kick him out. He just sat there and took it, and kept repeating that he was sorry.
He doesn't deserve me screaming at him like that, or saying those things to him, so why do I feel like I want to bloody kill him with my bare hands whilst being devastated that he's looking at other women instead of me?
Can someone please give me a good slap across the face and tell me to get a bloody grip!
Please or to access all these features
Please
or
to access all these features
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
I need some help to make sense of this and because I'm massively overreacting. (Incredibly long and boring).
11 replies
JessePinkmansBitch · 05/09/2013 20:06
OP posts:
JessePinkmansBitch ·
07/09/2013 20:50
We've talked again tonight, or rather I shouted and he listened. he swears he didn't do anything else, I don't know whether I believe him or not TBH. I want to, but well I don't want to be a bloody fool either.
I've told him that I don't trust him now, but there's not much of a relationship without trust is there? Said to him that I don't want to be in the type of relationship were I'm constantly checking up on him, and feeling anxious when he does go out. Nor do I want to control where he goes and when, it's just not healthy.
I need space from him, so I can make sense of it all and the way I'm feeling. I don't think we'll split up (18 years is a long time) but for now I need to be away from him for a bit. He can't move out, (literally has nowhere to go - no family, his brother lives on the other side of the country, no close friends) so he's sleeping on the couch for the foreseeable future. There will definitely be no sex for a while I can't stand to have him near me physically.
OP posts:
Please create an account
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.