Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Opinions on building trust please!

(9 Posts)
StellarLights Mon 02-Sep-13 21:45:15

MONSTROUSLY LONG POST ALERT!!!

Background:
Me and my DP have been together for almost a year and we are young (20 and 21), I am a naturally jealous and insecure person and DP suffers with his anger.

So before me and DP started going out I stayed at his house on a Tuesday night, he told me that he really liked me and we kissed however that was it. Neither of us wanted a relationship at this point as we'd both just recently come out of not-so-good long term relationships.
A few days later a friend of mine asked me out on a date, I asked DP if he'd be ok with that and he said "I won't tell you what to do but I'd rather that you didn't go because I like you." So I didn't go.

That weekend (a day or two after I asked him about the date) he had his "friend" (whom he'd slept with a few times over the past 2 months) come up from home, they slept together twice and she stayed up for a few days. I didn't know any of this, and whilst she was round he just said that he had a friend up from back home. So he was planning that the whole time, despite telling me that he didn't want me to go on one date.

We had uni on Tuesday and he wasn't in, he was still in bed with her.
He asked me to wait for him whilst he saw her off back home (he asked me not to wait at the train station as he wanted to see her off, he even made a joke about the staff thinking he was a player because he was seen with two girls.), I ended up waiting around for over an hour. He then told me that he wanted to see how things went with Alex (the other girl), I said alright and walked away towards the train station.
He then came after me and gave me a long speech about how it was me that he liked, he was sorry, that he was confused and that Alex was the past and I was the future.

He asked me to go back to his to talk where I walked into his room and was greeted by a pair of her knickers on his bedroom floor. I went back home and the next day I had a feeling like something wasn't right, I opened FB to see that DP was in a relationship with Alex. So I obviously called him and went mental at him for messing me around, he apologized a lot and said that he'd sort it which he did within 5 minutes, he was back to single and it was all deleted. I asked him what the hell was going on and he said that Alex had sent him that request the day before and he ignored it, she then messaged him saying how she'd told her friends about how great he was and that he'd really hurt her and that he was just using her for sex etc. etc. So he accepted the request to spare her feelings with the intention of talking her down, however he didn't mention any of this to me so all I saw was that they were in a relationship.

Anyway about a week after that he asked me out and I accepted, however we kept it off FB for a while as I didn't want my recent long term ex seeing it without me breaking it to him gently first.
We'd been going out for a few days when Alex sent my DP a message saying "You're **ing StellarLights aren't you?" to which he said "No.", even though I was his **ING GIRLFRIEND!

Now there are two very important facts, the first is that when we got together (9/10 months ago now) he told me that he had deleted her number. The second very important fact is that whilst Alex was staying with DP he sent me a text saying how he just wanted to go back to being friends etc. which I thought was a bit strange, he said that it was just nerves and guilt on his part which made him say it.

A few months into our relationship he let slip that Alex actually told him to send that message to me, she was jealous and thought that he liked me (he lied and said that he didn't) so he sent me that text so that she wouldn't go mental. He said he did it for himself and not for her as such, because she would have given him a really hard time and guilt tripped him etc. if he didn't so he took the 'easy' option.
Well obviously I was furious, how dare he do that to me!? I felt so humiliated and stupid.

So I made him send Alex a FB message telling her the truth, basically that he liked me all along but he lied to make his life easier etc. as I wanted her to know the truth and I felt terribly humiliated. After that I thought that was the end of it, I just wanted the situation to be rectified then we could move on.

Throughout our whole relationship I have struggled coming to terms with what he did to me, I still got upset about it and I felt like it had really tainted our relationship. DPknew this, and last week he even had the nerve to tell me that if I didn't let go of this 'grudge' then it would end us.

Now this takes us to a month ago, we were in bed watching Gladiator when he got a text, he checked it, got very flustered and straight away I knew something was up. I asked who the text was from, he said his friend, I asked to see it, he opened the conversation with a random friend but there were no recent messages.
I asked to see the actual message, he quickly opened it and deleted it.

I asked him what was going on, he said that the text was from Alex. He then burst into tears and cried, saying how sorry he was.
I started panicking, he said that he'd text her a few weeks ago whilst drunk but had deleted the message (so I couldn't see it).
I told him to text Alex, say that his phone was acting up and ask her to resend the original text and her reply to it. She did, I read them.

In his initial text message he said that he didn't mean any of what he'd said to her in the FB message months before, even though it was all true facts (or so I thought anyway!!)
So he'd kept her number all along and saved it under a different name so that I'd never find out.

We were having a bit of a rocky period before this came to light and he said that the guilt of what he said to her in the FB message was too much, and that he apologized not for her but for himself so that he could feel like a good person. Also he said that he thought that our relationship was going to end and he felt hurting Alex was "all for nothing", this obviously hurt me a lot as he should have been thinking about me at this point and not her.

Now then after I found this out I got his phone and threw it out of the bedroom window which was terribly immature I know, obviously the phone is broken.

Anyway, since all that happened DP has made an INCREDIBLE amount of effort to change and he has been wonderful, very patient and remorseful.

That's the thing, I know that he didn't want to be with her because he could have had her so easily however he chose me, he says that it was the guilt that made him make such stupid decisions.

I know that you are all going to tell me to LTB but I don't want to just yet, he has proven over this past month that he really is willing to do anything to be with me.

I will admit to making his life VERY hard since it happened, and he has carried me and put up with my constant mood swings/accusations etc. I really am not a pushover by any stretch and I never have been, he is aware of this and is still making a constant effort despite how harshly I am currently treating him (I don't exactly feel very loving or caring towards him at the minute!!)

Now I'm not trying to paint him in a good light here because I know that he's been a wanker, and I tell him this on an almost daily basis however he really does seem to have changed now, and he is incredibly dedicated to being with me.

So what I wanted to ask is how can I build up the trust, I know all of his passwords, have access to his phone whenever I want, he has stopped going on nights out without me (I still feel too stressed about what's happened to then have the added pressure of knowing that he's out getting pissed with his mates, he understands).

Are there any tips that you guys have? Anything else that may make me feel better?

It's hard because I'm only young and I don't have the greatest family so it'd be really helpful to know what a lot of wiser women think!

bugdem Tue 03-Sep-13 03:03:50

The only advice I can give you is the advice you don't want/aren't ready to hear. He's treating you (and her but i know that it won't seem like that to you) like a fool. Get rid of him, concentrate on building your confidence so that if a man treats you in a simulate fashion again you are able to tell them to get to fuck before it gets to the point you are at now.

I've been in your situation and am currently dealing with the horrendous after effects of staying too long and letting someone strip away ever last vestige of confidence and self esteem I had.

Leave now before he has a chance to do the same to you.

He's using you both and you are both letting him. The reason he is being wonderful right now is that he is a past master at giving everyone the exact minimum amount of effort so everyone keeps fucking him. He has to work hard now, because you are annoyed, he didn't work as hard when you were waiting outside the station to see her off (WTF?).

You are young. I married my idiot who I was seeing at that age. Don't make the same mistake. I ended up divorcing him but it was a waste of everyone's time.

HungryGeorge Tue 03-Sep-13 04:02:34

OP you and Alex are letting him take you for mugs.

Tell him to fuck off.

No trust anyway - no relationship.

Why don't you want to LTB just yet?. That seems to be like a triumph of hope over experience as well, that seems like you want to prove something here.

And all these bloody awful men cry, he's only crying because he has been caught out by you.

You and this Alex person are both being played by a master manipulator. You also met this person not long after coming out of another poor relationship, well this one is yet another albeit different version of a poor relationship.

You are only in your early 20s and this is yet another awful relationship. I think you need to think about what you have learnt about relationships to date (starting with your own parents relationship) and completely reassess your whole approach. Your innate jealousy and insecurity scream that your own self worth is through the floor; that is what these are tied to. This man you're shackled to currently won't help your insecurities get any better, he will make them worse.

Morgause Tue 03-Sep-13 07:07:19

Run like the wind.

You will never be able to trust him because he's a liar.

Lweji Tue 03-Sep-13 07:43:34

Apart from him being a player and a month being nothing and you being better off without him, you cannot build trust, he HAS to.

You sit back and observe.

However, I'd put my money on him doing it again.

Lweji Tue 03-Sep-13 07:47:49

I am also worried about this
DP suffers with his anger.

what is it about?

You don't want to be with someone with "anger problems".

Walkacrossthesand Tue 03-Sep-13 07:57:23

Another voice to say - you can't 'build trust' with an untrustworthy person. Just look at the number of times he has lied/deceived you in your short relationship. Why would you bother?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now