Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Decided to do relationships my way!

(14 Posts)
Madamemyway Mon 02-Sep-13 20:54:18

I have spent the last year or so putting my energy and passion into a relationship which has recently ended, I was a bit surprised that I am mostly relieved but looking back at what an arsehole he was at times it's not surprising really!
What I have realised though is that I don't think I have either the emotional mindset or the motivation to pursue a traditional romantic relationship. I have two lovely children and don't want anymore. One of the things I really struggled with in the last relationship was sharing the parenting, he didn't have any children and whilst sometimes was great with them he could also be antagonistic and very fussy, meant I had to deal with his temper tantrums as well as theirs!
So I am escaping the love issue, dropping the act that I want to find the 'one' and reigniting a brief passionate affair that I had early last year. I will do this my way and enjoy some great sex, some good conversation and not get bogged down by society's expectation of what relationships should be about.
There are a lot of threads on here about the problems and heartache caused when relationships break down, I have been there and got the divorce already so thought I would post about my decision and update you on my journey trying out an alternative route.

Cailinsalach Mon 02-Sep-13 21:04:37

Well good luck to you then. Keep us updated on your journey. I shall watch with interest.

whitesugar Mon 02-Sep-13 22:10:11

Madam well done, I understand why you came to this realisation and totally applaud it. Instead of pining for a romantic notion you have faced reality head on. Society expects people to couple up and thinks that anyone who doesn't achieve this is a failure. I left an unsatisfactory relationship a while ago and although I am not quite there yet I am trying hard to shrug off other people's and my own expectations that I need to meet someone to feel complete.

I hope you are having a blast with love affair. I wish that would happen to me. The only problem is I would probably sabotage it by dreaming of the happily ever after ending. Those effing fairy tales from childhood were more damaging than we knew. I hope it works out for you.

Madamemyway Mon 02-Sep-13 22:26:05

Thank you Calilnsalach and Whitesugar - there are indeed a lot of myths around about how finding a soulmate will make your life complete, I am complete already man or no man and I think it's time women took the power back and find some joy in being independent.
I am seeing my new/old guy for the first time at the weekend, it went wrong before because we mistook passion for love so this time there will be clear ground rules from the start. This doesn't mean we won't have feelings for each other, it will mean we know they won't lead to a traditional relationship or meeting each others children, my free time is limited as is his and we intend to make the most of it!

Jazzicatz Mon 02-Sep-13 22:51:49

...or you could be really radical and not need a man at all!

Madamemyway Mon 02-Sep-13 22:54:31

That is it exactly I don't need a man but I can enjoy one!

cronullansw Tue 03-Sep-13 02:19:19

Excellent smile

MariaLuna Tue 03-Sep-13 03:01:44

That is it exactly I don't need a man but I can enjoy one!

Well said! My thoughts exactly.

garlicbargain Tue 03-Sep-13 03:20:39

This is jolly interesting grin Well done, you!

I don't need to tell you to have fun, do I? Hope you will update!

kickassangel Tue 03-Sep-13 04:16:31

My dream relationship is one of monogamy but our own houses, lives etc. kind of long term serious dating, but never moving in together.

akaWisey Tue 03-Sep-13 07:22:59

kickassangel exactly my dream relationship too. Shall watch this thread with interest and well done OP for making that change!!

Sounds perfect to me! I can't imagine wanting a full on cohabiting relationship again. I don't want DS to have a stepdad. I don't want to share my home. I do want some fun and sex though!

ofmiceandmen Tue 03-Sep-13 07:42:04

Well done! and hope it goes well for you OP.

cautionary note - This is exactly the words I have heard said by my male friends in their early twenties after their first real hurt breaks. They go on to a string of FWB and often left a lot of people hurt and turned out to be the very people who probably got you to decide this.

This is also what I have heard two female friends say - who went on to become the OW even if one of them didn't realise it at the time.

So - great choice, however you can't take your eye of the ball. feeling used also comes even if you were getting what you wanted (in some cases more than you wanted).

Best of luck - and have fun

Madamemyway Tue 10-Sep-13 22:42:35

It didn't got to plan! He lost his phone and didn't reply to my texts on the Saturday so I thought he had changed his mind and wasn't gong to turn up. I decided to not go to the pub but then got a phone call at 9pm it was him calling from a phone box saying where was I?!!
I did go and meet him then but somehow it just felt wrong, it was nice to chat and catch up, it then had a sudden realisation that I am not ready to even have a casual relationship as not given myself enough space to grieve the loss of the previous one.....
Wish I could just let go and move on but it was also a reminder that I had lost something I value and that I need to be kind to myself and not rush into so etching else before I am ready.
The guy was understanding and kind to me which helped and maybe in a few weeks I will be able to enjoy him!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now