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For all those ladies who are in the midst of a break up (being left by wankbadgers/cheated on etc) and need cheering up...

(32 Posts)
shanelle5 Mon 02-Sep-13 10:02:00

Been reading through a few posts lately and really able to empathise with what the poor OP are feeling and going through as that was me a year ago. (almost to the day).

Thought Id post and give something to hopefully make them smile and offer a bit of hope.

My ex, was horrible, EA, manipulative, lying, childish, manchild but I stayed with him as I was too scared to be alone, didnt think I could do it, had such low self esteem and also for my DC who I felt I owed it to, to give them a "proper" family. He was a great Dad but shite partner, the kids loved him and I stayed far too long believing it was for them. (and also being to wek to go it alone)

I finally grew a pair when he txt me one Sunday evening telling me he was not coming home. (Again) I was 33 weeks pregnant and he had treated me crap throughout, leaving twice before.
These episodes were, looking back, engineered. He would blow up a small row, walk out, have a night or 2 out getting shit faced, sleep in a nice hotel somewhere, have a lie in then start his come back campaign which always ended up with ME apologising and ending up feeling grateful he was coming home)

This final time I STILL felt huge amounts of fear and nausea of being alone but faked some guts and txt him back with an ultimatum. "Im not playing this game anymore, I am 7.5 months pregnant, we have kids at home waiting for you, we need security/stability so get your butt home right now and stay home/stop leaving or dont come back at all"

He never came.

He continued to be a selfish twunt through the rest of my pregnancy, this then led to me telling him a month later to leave us alone and I gave birth without him, just txt him when baby was born.

Oh dont get me wrong its been HARD. Ive had terrible finacial difficulties due to his running off, im currently facing eviction as not able to pay rent alone on the huge "family" home we leased. Ive missed him (sorry, but being honest) and grieved endlessly for the life and future I thought we had. Its somewhat spoiled the time with my beautiful Son who is now 9 months old as Ive been getting over what he did and picking myself up, trying to scrape together my self esteem and patch up the other DC hurt and damage. Im not saying its been easy, far from it of course.

BUT WAIT, this is a positive tale.... I have never once cried myself to sleep since he left as I did when he was here. I feel less lonely OUT of our relationship that I ever did IN it. I am stronger and braver than I ever thought I was, Im PROUD of myself and what Ive acheieved, that feels GOOD!

And the icing on the cake.. I recently in the last month or so have started getting a bit more friendly with the EX as we have had to have contact for DS. I dont let him have the baby alone yet as he is too young, so we tried contact center initially but it was God Awful, like prison visits and I decided I was strong enough by this point to grit my teeth through an hour or so in a ball pond, park, coffee shop for DS to see his Father. At first this was hard, he has done exceptionally well with a new business and is loaded and successful. No such thing as Karma I used to mutter after each and every week after hearing him brag for an hour all excitedly about how much £££ he was expecting while I returned home to my/our joint debts and my very meagre life with the kids and their Ebay clothes and toys!

And here it comes. He has now admitted he is a fool. Made a huge mistake. Miserable as sin. Lives in a caravan! Yes business is doing really really well, he is likely to be a very wealthy man by the end of the year but its all hollow alone. Oh and he still loves me and DC, particularly new DS, and would I get back with him????

Would I fuck! grin

3 times hes begged me this last 10 days and Ive had great pleasure in letting him know I could never again, trust him or forgive him and as such, would never put my DC in that position again where he would let them down. It felt GOOD!! [SMILE]

And the next twist is this. I actually thought for a few silly seconds that he HAD changed. He seemed genuinelly sorry and that maybe we could be friends. He has learned a lesson etc. I admit, I was suckered in again, he took my first rejection really well and was seemingly in agreement that I couldnt get over what he did etc. We continued on for a further week making foundations to being freinds. A new ease fell and I let felt comfortable thinking it would continue. But no!

This week he showed his true colours, reverted to type and that he has not changed one jot. Bombarding me with txts during the night 3am etc putting endless pressure on me to get back together. Minimising and justifying all he did, never once talking of my feelings in all this and what he can do to make things better etc all about him him HIM and what he wants! Still!
This man has some ego, thinking he can just click his fingers and Ill fall at his feet again. That after a few lunches/gifts for DC we are so easily bought. Does he think he is THAT irresistable and Gods gift? And truly, he hasnt aged well, the lack of sleep and stress hes gone through in the last year has aged him terribly, hes got lines under his eyes and has also put on a fair bit of weight. Terrible hair cut, bad dress sense.
Im actually insulted that he thinks I will roll over like the doormat he expects me to be.

Anyway, I digress, there is another point. After this last no from me, done really kindly, nicely and with caring words he got nasty. Sent me a few spiteful txts and got really shitty with me. Only this time I didnt have to fake having some balls and was able to txt him back right away with out any hesitation " I dont take this shit anymore, thought you would have learned that by now. Stop contactng me, Im reverting to our email only contact of previous times.End of" Cue switching off phone and smile to self in the final realisation of how far Ive come.

This isnt a big myself up post. Good grief I nearly fell for it again, silly me only days ago. I also felt the old nausea and anxiety creep in after the txts got nasty, found it hard. But I wanted to share a tale of how true it is that anyone going through this - and it seems to be a sadly frequent tale on here, you CAN do it, you WILL get through this, you ARE strong enough and you DO deserve better!

Have some self respect, if you dont or your self esteem is too low, fake it until it becomes reality! I am there, and it really, truly does happen.

He on the other hand, is the epitomy af sad, lonely, loser who got what he deserved. The wise ladies of MN said this would happen and it did in all its glory.

Wishing the best endings for all of you who have or are, going thorugh similar xxx

SlangKing Wed 04-Sep-13 04:20:09

Well done OP. If everyone had your courage this board'd be bereft of content.

myroomisatip Wed 04-Sep-13 00:01:30

awwww I have a big big grin! Well done. thanks

It is so good to read a positive post.

I lurk on 'Relationships' a lot, it helped me enormously with my own problems even though I never posted about them. The advice given is almost always spot on, (sadly from some posters experience), I think it is just as helpful to hear from someone who has made it through that long dark tunnel into the light!

My own divorce is now through and I am lucky enough to have spent my day and evening with my Ex SIL and BIL. I am so grateful that they still want to see me!

I missed this post,yesterday, what a great post. Well done.thanks

Agree with fake it til you make it.

I'm half faking half making grin

Catwoman12 Tue 03-Sep-13 19:12:41

Thank you Shannel, I am finding it so difficult just now, i hope that I can look back and say the same as you, I'm sure I will, it's just hard to imagine right now... One brave face coming right up! Xx

Lizzabadger Tue 03-Sep-13 19:07:37

Good on you Shanelle !!

Catwoman12 Tue 03-Sep-13 19:00:14

Thank you Shannel, I am finding it so difficult just now, i hope that I can look back and say the same as you, I'm sure I will, it's just hard to imagine right now... One brave face coming right up! Xx

mrsmciver Tue 03-Sep-13 15:54:33

Wow!! I am so full of awe! You are on the up and up.
So very pleased for you, you go girl!
xxx

akaWisey Tue 03-Sep-13 08:51:53

Just about to dash off to work but wanted to add my congratulations to you shanelle. I didn't see your previous thread but you've clearly come a long way.

<bounces off to work with a springy step and warm feelings>

UterusUterusGhali Mon 02-Sep-13 22:59:14

<<punches air>>

Go you!

shanelle5 Mon 02-Sep-13 20:36:50

catwoman it was actually your thread that made me post so Im really glad you read my waffle grin I remember feeling like you and really know how you feel. As I said and as also been suggested, even if you THINK you cant do it, and you FEEL you need him, do not show it! Paint on an air of self confidence, have some pride and respect for yourself even if you have to fake this to start with, it does become a reality and second nature after a while, but baby steps. Will be following your post and cheering you on.

mrscaindingle remember that most people use FB to show off and only post the stuff they want others to see! Its a place to show off. Remember too my early meeting thinking very much that my stbx was living the high life as it looked very much this way to anyone looking in, BUT the reality was very different. Maybe it is for your ex too? Whatever way, well done on blocking, really wise move xxx

mammadiggingdeep Im so glad I helped you today, I was worried about coming over as bragging or similar but felt really happy when I checked back to read the replies. Even if it encourages one person, thats fab, Ive had so much support and encouragement on here so really glad to pay it forward. Oh my gosh yes. cant WAIT for this to be behind me and another year, though I wont wish it away I hope I will be even stronger and in a new home, safe and settled smile

leverette just thankyou blush xxx

lily yes its still uphill but a difficult day alone with my DC I can cope with. A difficult day with an abusive, manipulative, lying, spiteful bully I can not so its a step in the right direction. And to boot, I get to show my Girls who are teenagers BTW, what NOT to accept in a relationship and how to grow a pair, have some self respect and walk away even if its scary and oh so hard at the time. If you cant do it for yourself as these men can wipe all traces of your self esteem and make you feel so low you dont feel you deserve better, do it for your children as none of us would truly want them to be in relationships where they are treated badly and we owe it to them to set an example however bloody difficult that is at times. So yes, losing my home but we will get a new one eventually after temporary housing but we will all be together and wherever we live will at last be full of laughter!!!!!

shanelle you are superwoman and really strong. But I'm worried for you facing eviction! Hope you and the DC will come through that OK.

MadeMan Mon 02-Sep-13 12:24:19

Before I signed up on MN, I had never heard of a cocklodger or a wankbadger.

Mrscaindingle Mon 02-Sep-13 12:19:33

Ezio. grin

Leverette Mon 02-Sep-13 12:02:37

Nomination for MN Classics from me.

shanelle you rock flowers

mammadiggingdeep Mon 02-Sep-13 11:38:31

Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou for posting.......have had a crap week....6 months today since I booted the twunt out and am still on the end of his ridiculousness (won't sell his half of house to me...only to 3rd party forcinge to move dc unnecessarily). Your post has uplifted me and reminded that I CAN do this!!!!!!!

Well done you.....just think where you'll be at in another year!!! As del boy trotter says "the worlds your lobster"
Xx

PrincessKitKat Mon 02-Sep-13 11:34:25

smile so pleased for you OP.

I hope your story brings some others comfort & hope for their bright futures thanks

Ezio Mon 02-Sep-13 11:34:06

Mrs Think of it this way.

Atleast you only have 2 children to worry about now, some other poor woman has the delight of dealing with the man child now.

Mrscaindingle Mon 02-Sep-13 11:31:02

Thanks for your very inspiring post smile I am sitting here trying to get going this morning having just seen facebook photos of my STBXH living it up over the weekend in his shiny new life abroad while I have an endless amount of housework /chores and 2 DC to deal with all on my own.

Needless to say I have now blocked him for my own peace of mind, wish I could fast forward to this time next year and be where you are op but thanks for sharing it really does help.

Catwoman12 Mon 02-Sep-13 11:27:05

Thanks AF thanksenvy

X

Ezio Mon 02-Sep-13 11:24:49

My ex treated me with utter contempt for 8 months because of OW, and left the day i took an overdose (PND).

He tried many times to get back with me, but i told him it was too late.

He lives in a poking flat, almost broke, hardly sees DD, has aged horrifically, and jumps from one relationship to another.

4 years down the line, i dont love him at all now, i care about him and we get on it, but thats it, its hard now to think i did once love him.

AnyFucker Mon 02-Sep-13 11:22:39

CW, I was just coming to your thread to link this one

Glad you have seen it

Catwoman12 Mon 02-Sep-13 11:13:17

Love this thread, I am pregnant and he left just yesterday, (i have a thread up)

I hope one day in the near future I can look back and be grateful he left, be happy and content, being alone is the scariest thing of all, my heart is aching at the moment, I can't see past the next hour, I just hope I can be strong and dignified, I wish this never had to happen, but it has, I just need to sort myself out, pack up my troubles and get on with it,

Well done to you OP, you should be immensely proud of yourself, nice pick me up post I really needed envythanks

LilyBossom Mon 02-Sep-13 10:54:23

It does feel good, but it also feels incredibly sad and such a waste. Through their own awful actions they have caused such destruction and heartache and for what. Their loss though. Onwards and upwards I reckon smile

shanelle5 Mon 02-Sep-13 10:43:51

Yay lily feels goo doesnt it smile

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