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Abusive ex has cost me so much..and still is

(36 Posts)
alltoomuchrightnow Fri 30-Aug-13 23:51:18

I left my alcoholic and v abusive ex fiance for good this summer after a few failed tries before. I have absolutely commited to it this time and felt i was in a much better place than previous attempts.. despite the trauma of the abuse, and leaving home, job, pet , possessions etc behind. (and having to move back in with parents..where i still am for now) I have never ever been one to go quickly into a new relationship but I started seeing a guy who had been a friend for a short time and it progressed into more. It all just happened naturally and for me it was breaking the mould.. i didnt want to spend years single like i had after other breakups, as felt ex had cost me enough years as it was. Also that life is too short and get on with it ( a friend died tragically and unexpectedly this summer..same age as me.. it gave me such a kick up the bum to try and live in the moment).. it all felt right with him.
We were so happy and full of hope for the future..preferably together.
But to cut a long story short..my ex guessed (without real evidence) that i was seeing him. Obviously it's none of his business, but my ex is a very, very sick man (and in denial about it and refuses treatment). They used to be friendly(but more like acquaintances). He took it as a massive betrayal. This whole week ex has kicked off harrassing me, my family, friends and this new guy (not physical harrassment..he doesnt drive and can't get here). As a result..new guy has dumped me and run a mile. I don't blame him ( i can't go into details but it was really , really spiteful and malicious, what my ex did.. opened up massive wounds) I'm completely heartbroken.
I did the right thing by leaving but it made no difference. The abuse followed me. I had every chance of happiness with this guy. My ex has won..the evil bully has won. And this guy admits he has..he thought he could handle it but really in the heat of things he could not. I knew what my ex was capable of.. new guy had no experience of vicious, vitriolic abusers.
I am waiting for my domestic violence advisor to call me,she's on annual leave. I know i will have to get an order in place now. But that's not going to bring this guy back. He has made it quite clear it's totally final. Because my ex won't let me go, i'm a liability. Even though i fled and am two counties away. It's too much risk and baggage for anyone new. My ex will stop at nothing to punish me for leaving him . He told everyone he'd split us..and he succeeded. He had aces up his sleeve to break my new guy and he used them.
I am utterly broken.
I know some people will think, well i'm better off without this new guy if he runs like this. but what my ex did cut to the core. and this new guy isn't in the strongest of places or rather hadnt been and my ex played on that to rip the plaster off as it were.. but together we were so strong and moving forward hand in hand. Until this.
Please be kind , i am in pieces i have been crying non stop for two days. I feel i have nothing to live for or look forward to at all. We were so happy and falling for each other.
My parents are angry i'm crying all the time and my dad shouts at me for getting involved with my ex in the first place and i've brought it all on myself. but he'd been dry for 6yrs..we had 3 good years (out of our 4) until in the last year he picked up the bottle again.
This new guy is totally through with me and its another loss..but this is the worst one i've had as a result of leaving. And this should've been my happy new beginning.

IAmNotAMindReader Tue 03-Sep-13 09:29:47

You need to get to safety now, your parents I am afraid are part of the problem and they won't help you stay safe. You need to get out of there asap.
Don't tell them what you are doing just arrange it and go so they don't have a chance to stop you or take the things you need from you like a car, passport ID etc.
Get in touch with WA explain how you are unsafe where you are and you need help to get to safety.
Don't let anyone stop you going to the police. Be strong you can do it.

With regards the potential new man if he's in such a bad place mentally that his head is being turned by what your ex says, have some sympathy that he is susceptible to the abuse and lies your ex spews and is therefore nowhere near in a good enough place to evaluate a proper relationship, he will just do what he is told by whoever is overwhelming him. He may in time fix this but right now unfortunately you need him out of your life as well because he will cause you more pain by switching his opinion with the wind even when you know he knows the truth.

Brutal as it may seem, you need people around you now who believe you and can be there for you when the going is bad. Cut out the rest, for now at least, this may become permanent. This goes for all friends and relatives, especially your parents. I would be so angry at them for bringing me up to believe I have no right to a voice of my own and have to accept being treated in such as way.

You do have a right to be treated with respect and dignity and love at all times. Not just when they think you are being a good girl.

After all that get some counselling to help heal what your parents have done to you. You are using a model of behaviour picked up from them as an ideal for picking partners and probably some friends. Learn how to spot those who will do the same to you and remember just because its on a less level or involves different tactics doesn't mean its not abusive behaviour that you don't need to tolerate.

Best wishes for the future.

Hissy Tue 03-Sep-13 07:54:47

Call refuge and get to a shelter. Change your numbers and don't ever speak to your 'parents' again.

The people around you are poisonous, they are disgusting.

Normal people would call the police for you ffs, they enjoy watching you suffer! sad

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 03-Sep-13 02:19:36

i guess this is classic abuse? my ex trying to scare off would be suitors, and manipulate people into thinking i'm wrong/ bad? why do so many people fall for the lies of abusers? my ex is very charming /manipulative though and can often come across as a functioning alcoholic.

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 03-Sep-13 02:17:52

what's the difference between injunction and restraining order? do you think they'll take me seriously, as i refused to do it before? i was too scared, and was being blackmailed. I'm so scared as he still has my pet..so he could punish me for this

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 03-Sep-13 02:16:40

My ex kicked off again tonight threatening my best friend and other friends and sending me some vile messages. I need to talk to police in the morning so please wish me luck and strength..i know i won't be getting any sleep tonight.
I only havent rang them tonight as my parents are stopping me and asking me to wait till morning. Their house, their rules..
As for the new guy, i'm so disappointed and devastated. he emailed me and is accusing me of perhaps having a part in what my ex did to him. Which is unbelievable when he knew just how scared i was to lose him (and how my ex is abusing me still). But..he's been speaking to my ex, who tried to apologise to him. It sounds like whilst he's not fully accepted the apology, he is again doubting me, and believing my ex's lies. I'm sickened by that. This is a guy i was falling in love with..and slept with. It's vile. that he could doubt me when he's seen with his own eyes what my ex has done. It's like he's taking out what ex has done, on me :-(
Why do people keep taking the side of the abuser, or at least, doubting the victim? i can't take much more and if i lose my best mate over this (she's blaming me for not getting an injunction before) that will be it.

Hissy Sat 31-Aug-13 18:15:46

Your dad is carrying on where your ex left off. He should be ashamed of himself.

Please.

Get out of there. Don't tell your parents, just make the plans with whoever you need to and GO!

alltoomuchrightnow Sat 31-Aug-13 16:05:30

well there was warning i guess but i didnt want to believe ex would stoop that low (it's cost him friends, doing this..but that doesn't help me) and i thought new man would weather it. I don't blame him for not being able to. I'm just so devastated. not just lost him but all our plans. and i really do think, there's no going back. I have to move on.......yet again

alltoomuchrightnow Sat 31-Aug-13 16:04:11

yes may have to be. All i know is i'm cut up and miss this guy terribly and gone from being in an exciting start to a potential new relationship to hell and goodbyes without warning

TheSilverySoothsayer Sat 31-Aug-13 13:53:40

If new guy is mentally fragile, then he did the right thing in protecting himself by disengaging. Both of you tangled up in your ex's mess would not have helped. Who knows how bad new guy feels about this?

Maybe at some point you may come across each other and perhaps renew at least a friendship. But the first thing is to get strong enough to stand on your own. In fact, you sound strong enough, but hobbled by your situation. Sounds like refuge would be best way forward?

IAmNotAMindReader Sat 31-Aug-13 13:49:09

Try contacting Shelter to see if they can help with your housing situation.
Just take small steps at a time, whatever you can handle and slowly you'll work through it.

alltoomuchrightnow Sat 31-Aug-13 13:40:13

I feel so alone. I go to Al Anon but it's not enough. I see a counseller for 50 mins a week.
I just miss the new guy so much. We were solid friends before anything else. I mourn his friendship. And ex has taken away my chance of happiness there. Of course it may not have worked out. But it may have been wonderful. Me and new guy both clicked on every level. We just 'got' each other. We wanted the same things. and ex has taken that chance from us..and i'll never know what might have been.. i feel sick physically and emotionally. Why did new guy have to take it out on me by ending it, and not on my ex. Ex has got away with it.

Your ex is being vile because that's how he has controlled you in the past. And he's slowly realising that it isn't working. You're not rushing back to him, you're breaking his connections to you one thread at a time. He is furious and stamping his feet like a toddler who realises a line has been drawn.

He is trying to throw everything he has at you to exert his power and every day that you continue to stay strong and put one foot in front of the other is a victory over him. You are doing brilliantly in the face of a horrible situation. You are much stronger than you realise.

Please keep posting on MN. There are so many people who can help you.

alltoomuchrightnow Sat 31-Aug-13 13:27:14

i kept mentioning refuge to my parents. as much for them as for me as obviously they're stressed by my very presence here. but even keeping my head down isnt enough.. as in, not being able to shut door. My dad absolutely flipped. Last week he said if i went to a refuge it would be me punishing them and doing it to worry them and out of spite. hmm He went ballistic and said he'd take my car keys and i'd leave with the clothes on my back and just take a rucksack and go on foot because 'who's going to help you when you've brought all this on yourself' and he'd destroy all my stuff i couldnt carry (this made me burst into tears, because my ex is still threatening to destroy my belongings left at my old home) I was so upset, i fled to a Travelodge, which i could ill afford, being that ive lost my job due to my ex. He (my father) didnt know that, as i'd have got another lecture about money. I said i was going to a friends but really i went to a TL and new man met me there. New guy was amazing about my dad and my rock. Two days after that and i'd lost new guy due to my ex's medding and spite

alltoomuchrightnow Sat 31-Aug-13 13:18:57

No, Solid, he is very much clean living. He is borderline diabetic and doesn't drink, smoke, never done drugs, he admits he's always been 'geeky and square' (his words). He admitted years ago he was addicted to chat lines (because he could be just an anonymous voice on the phone) and had counselling and doesn't do it any more.
They /we were all friendly due to a music genre scene we're all part of that is quite small and cliquey. So we'd all see each other socially. When i first left my ex first time around, new guy gave some support to my ex. and then new guy had a terrible breakup and my ex talked to him. and that's how my ex got the personal info he's used to crumble new guy this week

TheSilverySoothsayer Sat 31-Aug-13 13:18:06

shock at not being allowed to shut your door... and angry

Can you go for walks on your own? Of course you need time alone to think, not a round of stuff to do FGS

Was the new man another alcoholic/former addict by any chance? Just wondering how he could have been in a position to be 'friendly' with your horrible ex.
Thing is, if the new man did/does have addiction issues, he's not going to be strong enough to deal with a relationship, let alone one which involves him being attacked by a third party. It's not his fault, but it does sound like perhaps another bad choice. It would be a really good idea to stay single and devote your energies to getting an independent home of some kind, because your abusive parents are blocking you from recovering. Best of luck.

Madlizzy Sat 31-Aug-13 13:08:32

I do wonder whether you would be better going into a refuge. You're still being abused and you need to get away. Hopefully your DV Advisor will help you with your options.

alltoomuchrightnow Sat 31-Aug-13 13:06:33

my father is not a drinker by the way and now in his 70s. But always been like this, as was his father and grandfather. Anger and hot temper and controlling/domineering

alltoomuchrightnow Sat 31-Aug-13 13:05:37

and thank you Hissy..i'm just reading all you wrote again to take it in. I've lost so much sleep i'm not concentrating too good right now

alltoomuchrightnow Sat 31-Aug-13 13:01:26

Walk, my ex brought the new guy down because he knew intensely private and personal info on him that months ago new guy had shared in confidence. They'd been on friendly terms and shown each other mutual support other each other's problems. So my ex had something to use.. and he did it in style, so to speak. :-(

alltoomuchrightnow Sat 31-Aug-13 12:58:57

my dad is an abusive bully, yes, always has been. He has that in common with my ex. He was very violent when i was a child (to me, and sometimes my brother, not my mother). My ex doesn't use his fists. But they are both very controlling and verbally aggressive , angry men. I was not a typical victim who chose men like my dad. I chose the absolute opposite for nearly 20 yrs. It's only my ex who is like my dad. I didn't see it at first, he didnt start drinking again till our fourth and last year together.
The pain I feel now is for losing this new man. And Walkacrossthesand, i do agree with all you say.
I just want to talk to my IDVA tomorrow as she's been so supportive in the past. And she can help with housing..i've been waiting 6 months now and no help from my council. So i need to push things again.
But i'm so upset i find it hard to deal with anything practical right now. I thought once i left things would fall into place. They were and now my ex has done this despicable thing. I miss the new guy. It hurts like crazy. Maybe it's for the best. but i'm in so much pain.
If its going to take months more to get re homed, i will have to look at alternatives. I didn't leave my ex to come to more abuse. I was in my room earlier here with the door shut as wanted to be left alone to think.. but they opened the door. They said i'm not allowed to close it except during the hours that THEY sleep as otherwise it's rude , antisocial and disrespectful, like i'm treating the place as a hotel. I explained my head is exploding and i need peace to think /be alone to process all that's happened this week, and they said it is their house so their rules.. and they would not allow me to do so as it would make things worse for me to be alone. They dont get it as they are so insular and together 24/7. I am fine being alone in my own company..I relish it and always have. They push me the whole time to be doing things 24/ 7 and see people . This is my old home town..old friends aren't always around. I dont want to push myself on others all the time. They dont need it and nor do i. i want to see people when i want to. but my parents want me to have every day booked and full. It's constant pressure, when my head's already exploding. Thankfully..in a few weeks they go away and i get four weeks to myself., and i can be as social or hermitty as i choose to be

Hissy Sat 31-Aug-13 09:56:53

I agree with what something2say says. She knows. please listen.

Now.

I'm going to rant, not at you OP, at your situation.

firstly, with respect, your parents are arseholes (Mine are too, as are MANY DV victims, it's not an accident)

Ultimately you need to get the hell away from your parents too, as they are only hurting you further. Your mother, by not doing anything to stop your dad is enabling him.

How dare your father say such shit to you.

Is your ex withholding his number when he calls? If not, then you can get Caller ID for next to nothing and never answer it, better you can get free voicemail and let him leave his poison there... then you can report him.

Tbh, you can have him blocked if you report him for harassment. Speak to your phone provider.

If he withholds his number, get the block that stops withheld numbers, it'll be cheaper than £13 pm I'm sure. Offer to pay it.

Next. YOU.

My love, you have been abused as a child by your father, and by your ex. these crimes leave huge marks on our esteem, and recovery is slow, painful but can not be left to get better on it's own. If you do nothing to heal yourself, you won't heal. You left your ex this summer? The ONLY relationship you need to have right now is with yourself.

This is not a judgement, not by any stretch, it is fact. You are NOT ready to have a relationship with anyone. Not this soon. It's OK, you weren't to know. The minimisation you and all those around you have done to convince you to keep on allowing them to hurt you is hard at work during the early days of your recovery too.

What you need to do now is STOP. Breathe. LOOK at the fact that you don't have this vile Ex in your day to day, and how your life has really improved as a result. LISTEN to your instincts, to your gut feelings about how life is now and how much better it is to be in your skin now that you are free from this abuser.

Your boyfriend isn't important, he's of no use to you. OK so you weren't ready for a relationship, and kept relying on him for reassurance, that's normal, any guy with half a braincell would realise that. The guy you were with is not 'the one'

for now the only ONE there is, is you.

Get yourself some counselling through your DV contacts, don't give up until you get it. It's vital to your recovery. Sametime you need to do the Freedom Programme. OK it's not the magic bullet we hope it is, but taken in conjunction with DV counselling, reading Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, and Power and Control - why charming men make dangerous lovers - Sandra Horley create a complete, intensive surround-sound healing experience.

I'm 2.5 years out of a DV relationship. It left me panicked, agoraphobic and isolated. I did all of the above and attended a DV recovery group. It was hell on wheels running from one appointment to the other, but the progress I made was considerable. I also posted extensively on MN, and the support I got here was invaluable.

I've had a year relationship with a non-abuser, ultimately it wasn't right, so I ended it, but even in my mid-40s, i wasn't written off!

Single now and happy to be so, I'm enjoying my life and freedom, working hard, spending time with my son. Life is good.

Funnily enough, all the work I have done, all the realisations I have made wrt my awful family, and pathetic ex, who I know now all abused me from a position of inferiority and weakness, not strength and power, have made me a stronger person, and emotionally/psychological more robust and powerful than I have ever been in my life.

I am chair of a DV charity, I have given speeches on DV to the Armed Forces and GPs and in many ways I am BETTER off now as a result of my experiences than I was before.

I know that you have a long way to go until you can reach this place, but I want you to know that you have done the right thing and when you allow yourself to start to heal and release the pain, there is a happiness waiting for you that you can't even begin to ever imagine.

No compromises. If anyone isn't 100% supportive of you, AVOID them, cut them out of your life if you need to. Put yourself first and foremost.

It gets OHHHHH so much better. Keep strong, keep posting, we'll get you there!

something2say Sat 31-Aug-13 08:49:12

I am a DV advisor and you CAN get rid of the old guy. Seriously. Meh needed e to have been reported to the police for his harassment and following that, one further communication from him and they could have charged him, if they could not have done so in the first instance.

I promise you you can move past abusive men, but you do have to take action. They don't change. Me have to be the one who do things differently, so that things change.

Re the fallout from the ex and the emotional insecurity, again this will fade away if you address it. I think daily self esteem exercises and a good period of time getting back on your emotional feet.

There will be another man I promise, there always is. Don't cry. Maybe in time when perpetrator has been dealt with formally, the man who left will come back. The rumour mill will stop, you can set people strait.

Abusers don't win. Good always triumphs in the end xxxx

Walkacrossthesand Sat 31-Aug-13 08:28:54

Sounds like 'new guy' was himself quite fragile/had vulnerabilities, if your ex was able (having not known him that well) to bring him down so easily. Your relationship with him was very new (from the timescale you give - you say you'd only split with ex 'this summer' and it's still summer now...) and it sounds like you'd invested an awful lot in this new relationship, whether or not that's what you 'usually' do. It really was very early days, your new boyfriend didn't have the emotional strength to deal with the situation, and it's perfectly possible that other cracks would have appeared before too long. As others have said, focus on moving into the future while learning from the past, rather than sinking into an 'everything's always going to be awful' state.

alltoomuchrightnow Sat 31-Aug-13 01:01:35

do you mean a new guy being scared off, Molly? or leaving an abusive relationship in general

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