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Too soon for weekend visits?

(104 Posts)
Absolutelylost Fri 30-Aug-13 23:02:33

My DH moved out at the beginning of July, saying he needed to live alone. He moved in with new lady first week in August and has now announced he wants 5 yr old DD to spend alternate weekends there in 4 weeks time. I think this is way too soon but am I letting my personal views about our marriage cloud what's best for our child?

Bant Fri 30-Aug-13 23:11:18

So he had an affair with her then and is trying to act like he just met her?

Yanbu. He should be able to see his DD but not when the OW is there for months yet. Your DD will be incredibly confused about her father living in a different place - adding his girlfriend into the situation will just exacerbate the pain for her. Have you spoken to a lawyer yet?

Absolutelylost Fri 30-Aug-13 23:14:49

Don't think he has known her very long actually. He was mucking about with others and was very careless about me finding out. He was very ill suddenly, nearly died, and moved in to 'recuperate' - think he's too lazy to go back to his bedsit.

Shapechanger Fri 30-Aug-13 23:17:25

He was mucking about with others and was very careless about me finding out. He was very ill suddenly, nearly died

That's called karma, isn't it?

Sorry to be flippant.

Yanbu, it is too soon and dd is only little... not on.

Bant Fri 30-Aug-13 23:19:11

He's moving in with someone he met after a month? Sounds highly suspicious to me - looks like he's trying to minimise/deny things.

Sorry

Absolutelylost Fri 30-Aug-13 23:20:57

I don't really care how long he's known her -am more concerned that from my DD's point of view, he's only been gone 7 weeks!

AintNobodyGotTimeFurThat Fri 30-Aug-13 23:21:56

YANBU.

It should be at least 6 months in my opinion before he even thinks of introducing the new woman in his life to his DD which wont happen as he'll be on number 6 by then and I mean 6 months with one individual other woman so I don't think it's appropriate.

Your DD is 5 years old and would be terribly confused. She must be confused enough as it is that her Dad isn't with her Mum anymore and why her Dad is living somewhere else [not your fault of course, it's his - but she'll be confused as she wont understand affairs at this age, thank goodness].

I think if she was 15 then it might be a different kettle of fish if she wanted to meet the other woman but as it is, I think you are completely correct.

He should meet with his daughter without the other woman being there and she shouldn't be introduced for months yet.

Bant Fri 30-Aug-13 23:25:20

Completely agree with aintnobody - that's perfectly reasonable. You're protecting your DD

Letsadmitit Fri 30-Aug-13 23:25:33

No, it is not "very soon". If you let the things slip for longer he may loose interest in having contact with his DD altogether.

At 5 your DD won't make much of the situation, children are remarkably adaptable (if you as adults manage the things well), it would be incredibly painful for you, but your DD will be ok. Unless he is a danger to your DD, do not make her pay for your ExH's mustakes.

Absolutelylost Fri 30-Aug-13 23:26:32

I think it's so thoughtless of him. Actually, cruel. He fondly imagines she won't remember any of this in the future. She is as bright as a button.

Bant Fri 30-Aug-13 23:28:44

To clarify, DD should be able to see her father every fortnight, but he shouldn't introduce her to any new 'friends' until he's been with them for at least 6 months

Letsadmitit Fri 30-Aug-13 23:29:49

She will be fine, honest. It is more difficult the older they get, at 5 she will see the other person as a friend of her dad and won't be confused provided both you and her dad do not make an issue about it.

Absolutelylost Fri 30-Aug-13 23:30:44

That's my view Bant. Seems to be a generally recommended time frame. I would encourage him to see her as often as they want, been complicated recently by him not being able to drive for a while.

Letsadmitit Fri 30-Aug-13 23:32:16

Bant, that is what people expects, but that won't be a view shared by a court, actually, in reality, very few people wait six months to introduce the children, mostly because the children are part of your day to day life and most people can't afford so much babysitting.

Absolutelylost Fri 30-Aug-13 23:35:24

Friend of her dad he shares a bed with?! She is a very bright girl...

Bant Fri 30-Aug-13 23:36:57

A court will accept whatever has been agreed between the parents as best for the children.

It seems that the husband has been screwing around and found an excuse to move out and shack up with the other woman. Moving in with someone less than a month after meeting them is incredibly quick, so I'd be very suspicious about that.

6 months before meeting the girlfriend seems reasonable, it's what I agreed with my Ex (although both of us are still single after a year). No one needs babysitters, the OW can just go away for the weekends, presuming she's got no kids

Letsadmitit Fri 30-Aug-13 23:38:37

Believe me, at that age they cannot even imagine what sleeping together in a bed means. The only thing that may confuse her us you not taking the time to kindly explain that you and her dad are no longer together and that despite if you living apart you will continue to love her very much.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Fri 30-Aug-13 23:39:19

I would ask DD if she wants to go. Her Dad might be a bit of a fuck up on the relationship front, but he's still her Dad and she's entitled to spend weekends with him if she wants to. She has you and she has her Dad - I wouldn't worry too much about the 'other women'. He's living with this one now, so it's a bit unrealistic to say DD can't meet her.

Absolutelylost Fri 30-Aug-13 23:41:01

To be honest, he's behaved so appallingly this year, I've lost interest in who he's with and how long. I think I would have known if it had been going on long because he's a lazy liar. I am cautious about it being genuine because its all happened so fast, hastily moved on by his illness I think.

Letsadmitit Fri 30-Aug-13 23:42:29

The problem is that he doesn't seem likely to agree to that is he? If so, no problem but if he takes her to court on the grounds that she is blocking contact because she doesn't want him to introduce the child to the new person, the court won't see this as protective but as controlling and self centered.

Absolutelylost Fri 30-Aug-13 23:43:29

The only thing that may confuse her us you not taking the time to kindly explain that you and her dad are no longer together and that despite if you living apart you will continue to love her very much.

Well, obviously, I've done this, repeatedly.

Absolutelylost Fri 30-Aug-13 23:44:31

I'm not blocking contact at all, I think it's too early to play happy families, 7 weeks after moving out.

AintNobodyGotTimeFurThat Fri 30-Aug-13 23:45:05

I think if he has any regard for his daughters emotional wellbeing that he will agree that he should leave it a while before he introduces this new 'friend' to his daughter.

I agree with the OP though 5 year olds aren't as dim as everyone thinks they are. When my parents had arguments when I was 4/5 I knew exactly what it was they were arguing about. They got on a lot better now, but we had some real troubles with my sister.

I think if he is sensible enough and agrees to meeting up with his DD for a nice long day together every week or every other week for a few months, then maybe things could be discussed about at that stage introducing the new 'friend' in one of those meetings then a few months down the line, to stay with them.

But honestly, it would confuse her understanding of home life. She has known Mummy and Daddy together and that is it. I think discovering so soon he is with someone else and not her Mum might be quite shocking and upsetting to her, even if she is quite young.

I could be wrong, but then I could be right.

I think it shouldn't get to the stage of court. If the father has any emotional caring for his daughter he will agree to this. If not, I can't see the court disagreeing that it could confuse her and upset her more if she was put in this position. Besides if she is introduced too soon she might actually end up disliking this other woman, feeling she has taken her father away. If it's a gradual thing, it will seem more natural and comfortable for her and be less confusing.

Sorry about that novel, OP.

Absolutelylost Fri 30-Aug-13 23:46:11

He's living with this one now, so it's a bit unrealistic to say DD can't meet her..

I'm not saying that, I think it's far too soon, in my view. But obviously not everyone agrees.

Letsadmitit Fri 30-Aug-13 23:46:18

Yes but contact is not about his behaviour or yours, it is about your child being able to keep having and developing a relationship with the other parent, if he is not a danger to her, you can't say when he is allowed to introduce new partners. that's not your call anymore, as a separated couple he doesn't need your agreement for pretty much anything sad

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