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Too good to leave, too bad to stay, support group. Anyone?

(181 Posts)
Salbertina Mon 26-Aug-13 19:00:59

Not necessarily looking for advice, just a little handholding from any others in a similar situation.
Not even read said book but the gist of it sums up where i am right now! Anyone??

IntheCorner Sat 28-Sep-13 16:06:01

Hello, just wondering how everyone is? We had our good weekend last week, but evenings since have been more bad than good...

I'm trying to stand up for myself when he's being an arse, but the result is just that we row. Having to take life one day at a time at the moment. Have the house to myself for a short time so taking the opportunity to have a quick look at MN.

Notmyidea Thu 19-Sep-13 12:44:06

Ah! The muttering under one's breath. I do it and so does dh, and it really, really hurts. I just have to say his name and it's "WHADDA YOU WANT? miserable bitch" under his breath. And I know I'm as bad. I can be feeling neutral, or even quite fond of him and then bam, I feel hurt and unfairly treated, insecure....
I think the difference is that if I challenge him about it he denies it and insists I'm hearing things. If he challenges me while I'm pissed off it starts a row.

Salbertina Thu 19-Sep-13 08:16:40

Corner and Paris- thanks for making me feel less of an evil witch! I mutter dark, sweary thoughts about dh too! In the moment this makes me feel better, but somehow once those toxic thoughts are out there, it often feels OTT and awful.

IntheCorner Thu 19-Sep-13 08:01:17

Paristoberlin - interesting what you say about trying to stop hating him. I hiss "bastard" when I see a reminder of his damaging behaviour, think "f* off" at some of the things he says. But then I get a reminder of something good we have done, and feel upset that I am thinking of ending it...

Someone else asked whether things were really good in the beginning. I've been thinking about this, too; things were good, but with hindsight, and observing other people's relationships, probably not as good as they should have been. But I made my bed...

And although this thread is helpful, reading it also somehow reinforces the fact that I am not happy. Sorry if that upsets anyone.

For the next couple of days I have to try to like him as we have something important to do at the weekend.

Good luck to everyone.

Salbertina Wed 18-Sep-13 08:56:56

Indeed!

Misguided- thank you for your wise words of experience. There's hope then!

fromparistoberlin Wed 18-Sep-13 08:20:41

I think for everyone, at some stage there is a tipping point

where we say fuck this, I cant go on

kingrollo has reached it!

many of us have not yet. I was chatting with a friend about our last mega row last night, and it was not comfortable to hear what I was saying

aiaiaiaiaia!!!! noone said it was easy this life business

KingRollo Wed 18-Sep-13 02:39:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thiswasntsupposedhappen Tue 17-Sep-13 22:35:57

Hard up and struggling.....

Sorry to post again my laptop was playing up x

Thiswasntsupposedhappen Tue 17-Sep-13 22:34:26

Hello ladies please may I pull up a chair?

Found out 18 months ago my husband had been visiting massage parlours for 12 months. He went about every 2-3 months for a massage and a happy ending. I can't even believe I am writing it. Even still.

Two beautiful children. We are in out 30'a . He has said it was his way of coping with stress and work. And he wanted to be pampered. Something he didnt get from me ( with two young children at the time.)

He says he regrets it terribly, but it doesn't erase what he has done. I gave up a successful career for our children. I am now retraining in a new area to get a job asap.
He still says he regrets it all, he was selfish. But I can't forget what he's done. It repulses when I think about what he's done.

Iam making a money pot for the children and I. What worries me is being

Thiswasntsupposedhappen Tue 17-Sep-13 22:33:14

Hello ladies please may I pull up a chair?

Found out 18 months ago my husband had been visiting massage parlours for 12 months. He went about every 2-3 months for a massage and a happy ending. I can't even believe I am writing it. Even still.

Two beautiful children. We are in out 30'a . He has said it was his way of coping with stress and work. And he wanted to be pampered. Something he didnt get from me ( with two young children at the time.)

He says he regrets it terribly, but it doesn't erase what he has done. I gave up a successful career for our children. I am now retraining in a new area to get a job asap.
He still says he regrets it all, he was selfish. But I can't f

Ivedunnit Tue 17-Sep-13 22:05:15

kingrollo I was ready to go last July and I stayed to put some money behind me and to put the utility bills in joint names. Previously they were all in mine.
You are doing the right thing step by step!

MisguidedAngel Tue 17-Sep-13 20:34:19

I've just read this whole thread and feel very sad for you all, and I can relate to a lot of it. I was married for 27 years and it was never very good from the start - but he was a good man. We were both young and my self-esteem was so low I thought I was lucky that anyone wanted me. These days, we would have lived together and found out it wasn't working - back then in the 60's it wasn't like that.

I wasn't happy (crap sex life and no emotional connection) but I escaped by putting all my energies into the children, and later on into my work. He left me - he'd been having an affair and she pressured him into leaving. At first I was so shocked, angry and scared. I'd never lived on my own and didn't think I could cope. But within weeks I felt a huge weight lifting from my shoulders. Both DD said they weren't surprised. Then he wanted to come back and I said no. I've never regretted it, he has.

But I was lucky - both DD had left home, there was enough money for me to have a small but lovely house of my own and I was earning enough to support myself. Many of you are not in that position. I should have had the courage to leave - I respect those of you who do. So many of us (women) seem to feel that our needs are less important than any one else's. Now my mantra is 'me first, you a close second'.

Not much help to those of you who are going through it - but I have been sincerely touched by your stories and I want to send you all my good wishes for the future.

KingRollo Tue 17-Sep-13 19:13:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gottachangethename1 Tue 17-Sep-13 19:01:00

I could have written a lot of these posts myself. My husband is verbally and emotionally abusive. I left him a few years ago but my self worth was so low that I took him back.
I'm going to see a counsellor and hope this gives me the strength to leave him once and for all. I live my life walking I egg shells and like metoo22 I am made to feel responsible for his entire life because he moved here two decades ago to be here with me.
Think this thread is the right place for me- sadly.

butterballs9 Tue 17-Sep-13 16:57:38

Divorce is not necessarily a great option. One of my friend's divorced her emotionally abusive husband and he continues to make her life a misery. She actually thinks she would have been better off staying married to him as he is now so bitter about the divorce and is determined to 'punish' her. It's a horrible situation.

BranchingOut Tue 17-Sep-13 16:40:32

I often wonder at the perspectives of people who are quick to say LTB very quickly. Have they done so themselves, or are they in the first 5 years of a relationship where everything seems good? I might one day start a thread and ask for the perspectives of people who have been in a relationship for 15 - 20 years: just what is realistic for life within a long relationship?

butterballs9 Tue 17-Sep-13 16:40:14

I started a separate thread before seeing this one. I am in the 'too good to leave' camp. There is nothing wrong with my husband. But I realize that I no longer want the constraints of marriage. But I can't bear the thought of divorce - financially it would be crippling and there would be massive disapproval from family. Our children are nearly grown up so that is not so much of an issue (although it would still be an issue, obviously!) When I look around at my friends, my marriage is in better shape than many so there must be an awful lot of people out there who do feel 'stuck' in their marriages.

fromparistoberlin Tue 17-Sep-13 16:14:36

my solutuon so far (with the help of my therapist) has been to try and stop hating him. Its been suprisingly helpful! hissing "you fucking arsehole" cunt under my breath at every interaction has not been great, not suprisingly.

NOW, I am not saying I will put up with shitty behaviour

but me being contrantly fuming, angry, resentful, , when deep down I love him, was a mess

I dont know, but this thread is helpful. as for a long time I have found that the knee jerk LTB reactions whilst well meant, are not always practical

Salbertina Tue 17-Sep-13 16:08:18

Branching- just been reflecting on your post. Wonder what Gransnet feedback would be? Lessons to learn from our elders and all that.

Salbertina Tue 17-Sep-13 15:12:45

Wry smile at thought of all of us reading the book blatantly in front of our better other halves. Or under the covers at night?! Not even read the whole thing - read a kindle sample which was useful (and nice and covert) , just lurk a lot on these types of threads hmm and seen it often recommended.

Ivedunnit Tue 17-Sep-13 14:46:35

For me it is I made it right from the start rightly or wrongly! I look back and see how many situations which I should have reacted differently.
I am unsure if I really didn't know DH or didn't accept that I knew full well and was trying to kid myself.
Took the papers to the bank today for the equity release. I should know next week if I can afford it or not.

BranchingOut Tue 17-Sep-13 13:05:26

I sometimes really wonder whether divorce is the answer in the longer term, especially when you take the problems of old-age into consideration.

We recently saw a friend who separated from her first husband a few years back, who is now splitting up with her second partner. Her situation is not good from a financial or a practical point of view (3 children) and it does give me pause for thought....

Notmyidea Tue 17-Sep-13 12:42:10

Ivedunnit, for me it's parenthood that has changed me beyond all recognition. I now need a level of affirmation, support and forgiveness from him that he's not willing or able to give and that I could never have imagined as a bright young thing. I've read a fair few self help books over the years, (counselling feels like an unaffordable extravagance that would add to our burdens) but he's just not willing to put in any effort or talk with me. I was very close to leaving him before ds was conceived. I had been had been back at work after my older two for a few years, building some financial independence from him and rediscovering my self esteem. I even wonder if he did some condom-tampering which resulted in ds to put us/me back to where we were. I love ds very dearly and wouldn't change him for the world but another baby wasn't what I'd been planning for this stage of my life.

Ivedunnit Tue 17-Sep-13 10:37:26

To Fellow posters can you tell me was it ever good or did you make it right ? As mosarela said and I agree it was never right but I made it right!
I am angry with myself for getting myself in to this situation worse so now DS is involved also. But I have to make a choice for him and for me. I don't want him to grow believing that what he sees at home with regards to relationships is correct.
DH put an offer infor a house today but it was refused. 3 weeks I ago I was 'happily' married. I am sad that he will not go for counselling, but I guess that is a big flag for me.

IntheCorner Tue 17-Sep-13 10:17:32

Littlecrystal, I'm interested in your approach as I have considered doing the same. Things have been pretty bad for a few weeks now (but with some nice times here and there). But I think I would have to stifle/change so much of myself if I followed your approach that I would be unhappy.

I've been coping with feeling this way to a greater or lesser extent for 9 years or so, found various coping strategies, and been ok on the whole. Now youngest is almost at school leaving age, I have to seriously consider whether a split would be easier, in a couple of years' time.

Right now, we can't afford to run two households, we like where we live, we are happy with the school.

And yes, I'd like to know how people manage to read the book? Or are your Hs so uninterested in you that you can read it while he sits staring at the TV?

Sorry, I'm rambling. This thread is both helpful and very sad indeed. I can't share with anyone in real life - they appear to either be really happy in their relationships, or have their own problems.

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