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Should I tell the other woman's husband.

(237 Posts)
fudgelover Wed 21-Aug-13 15:14:07

My husband has been having an affair for at least the last four years. I found out last year. He left when I confronted him. Part of me feels that this man should know what is happening, but another part just wants to make this other woman suffer for what she has done. Would I just cause myself more problems by doing this.

Charbon Sat 24-Aug-13 12:08:19

I'm glad you're okay Wobbly and understand (though applaud) your compassion.

It is important to feel safe on here though and not vulnerable to attack.

As there haven't been many posts from the OP (little wonder) I'm not sure my views would assist, but I will repeat what I've often said on threads like this.

Women are socialised to suppress their anger and to appear benign and dignified almost regardless of the threats they face. There are no equivalent male epithets for the detestable 'bunny boiler' label and I've noticed when women get angry about infidelity, they are often told to guard against being perceived as hysterical, a loon, unhinged, bitter and spiteful

Men who get angry about infidelity on the other hand are supported in that anger and in some quarters, are derided for not enacting violence against the OM.

I'd judge that this is why in my experience, more men act as informants in this situation than women. They get more societal support for their anger and certainly less criticism for it.

My advice to anyone in this situation is to disregard the sexist hyperbole and focus on how to discharge that anger productively, making sure that it doesn't harm oneself or others not deserving of it. Knowing the truth isn't harmful; the act that is being spoken about truthfully is where the harm has been caused. If it's possible to share that truth in as compassionate a way as possible, without any expectation of the person's actions on hearing it, it can be a very healing thing to do.

Fairenuff Sat 24-Aug-13 12:22:28

Also, I think posters are getting caught up on the revenge aspect, rather than considering whether or not telling would be in the best interests of the husband.

I suspect that views would still be polarised but at least it would take away the blame that is being laid on the OP.

Chl0e Sat 24-Aug-13 12:43:21

omg charbon! totally agree!

That is what I was trying to say earlier about discharging the negative emotions. I had to deal with two small children for years, coping with the weight of emotions, if I could have thrown some of that emotion overboard quickly, as opposed to getting over it slowly slowly slowly I would have done it. My situation was different, I wasn't cheated on but there were so many painful emotions and anger too, and I think that if there is a way to discharge the overload of emotions and get on with your life then do it for god's sake. But I say that as somebody who has crawled their way back up from basket case to sane and balanced. It was a long old haul. And it's easy for somebody on an internet forum to type 'maintain your dignity at all cost'.

Wellwobbly Sat 24-Aug-13 13:38:30

Knowing the truth isn't harmful; the act that is being spoken about truthfully is where the harm has been caused.

Absolutely!

Wellwobbly Sat 24-Aug-13 13:51:51

Gosh, I missed Little Pea Pod's comments.

No, Gehj, I have not spoken to LPP at all.

I am happy to be intellectual and bookish. That is fine with me. I understand that it might get tedious for others though, but all of our minds work in different ways.

LittlePeaPod Sat 24-Aug-13 15:05:39

Wellwobby. You don't need to explain yourself to anyone. I saw the posts about the affaire on that thread. Plus it's on her history - everyone on MN can see it if they wnt. I am glad you are not affected by the nastiness.

I hope youbre alright Op and it's a shame your thread was high jacked and diverted for a short period of time.

notanyanymore Sat 24-Aug-13 15:09:21

I'd tell him, because in his situation I'd want to know, regardless of whether you were doing it out of the goodness of your heart or not.

skyeskyeskye Sat 24-Aug-13 15:17:37

When my XH found out that a previous partner was cheating on him, the first thing that he did, was to go and tell her parents and the OM's girlfriend. That was his first thought and action.

When I discovered last year that he was texting OW who is married to his best mate, I kept quiet initially as I was hoping to get XH to come back and stupidly didnt want to upset him by telling his friend..... then after I decided to divorce XH, I didnt tell the friend as I wanted to secure the financial settlement first.

By the time I did communicate with OW's H, they had already minimized the contact, and he did not believe me. He said that she had a lot of male friends, that XH was his oldest friend of 30 years and would not do that to him, that XH was not her type, blah blah blah. (XH and his mate could be twins, by the way...).

Her H completely excused away the thousands of texts and emails and flirting. he would not read anything into any of it. There is none so blind as those who will not see.......

OW turned on me completely and winds XH up over various things, contact, maintenance etc. I was accused of trying to ruin their marriage confused hmm, she is still with her H.

If you are going to tell, do it because you feel that her H needs to know, in order to make his own decisions, not for revenge. and do it sooner rather than later.

Fairenuff Sat 24-Aug-13 15:27:50

Even if he doesn't believe, the seed of doubt will be planted. He will start to put two and two together. Things which have previously been baffling might suddenly make sense. It takes time for all those little niggles to come together but once you start questioning, you start to find answers.

OP, as far as I can tell, has no expectations from the man. She is not expecting him to be completely surprised, or to acknowledge what's happening. She's not expecting him to end his marriage or take any action. She just thinks that he should know.

skyeskyeskye Sat 24-Aug-13 15:34:34

I do think I tend to agree that he should know. It is a horrible thing to discover, but I think if I had discovered the contact with OW prior to XH leaving, I would have handled things very differently. I would have probably told him to go, whereas finding it out after he left so suddenly, I was in a state and begging him to come back as I was in a state of shock.

I do think that you handle situations very differently depending on what you know.

If the point in question, the H, was told what is going on, he can make informed decisions. but at the same time, his life is being turned upside down. sad

delilah89 Sat 24-Aug-13 21:56:20

Definitiely tell him fgs!

kristinehelm42 Tue 22-Jul-14 12:37:16

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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