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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

4 people, a day out - your dp and 3 women - is that odd?

71 replies

Balancinglife · 20/08/2013 19:28

I don't quite know what to make of this.

My dp told me he had been invited to an outdoor activity.
Fine. Though he didn't say much about it and usually he wants to show me photos and tell me all about it which he didn't this time.. He left before 8am, I checked and it was an hour away. Text me 12noon to say he had finished his activity and got home at 4pm, saying he had lunch.

It was only after he posted photos online that I realised he was the only male along with 3 women (not work colleagues)

And I'm not altogether happy as we have boundaries in place, supposed to be open and all that after a past infidelity on his part.

OP posts:

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Doha · 20/08/2013 19:30

Hmm who are these women and how does he know them?
I find it a bit strange he didn't tell you who was going?

Balancinglife · 20/08/2013 19:35

They are all on his social network friends. They belong to a club he is part of which has a large number of male and female members.

OP posts:

Doha · 20/08/2013 19:41

Hmm he is certainly guilty of not full disclosure and by his lack of discussion and photographs l guess he knew you wouldn't be happy and hoped you wouldn't find out just who was there.
However he openly posted photographs online and did keep in touch.

You need to speak to him and find out why you were told. Reverse the situation and ask how he would feel if he had found out about an outing you were on with 3 men.?

TheUnsympathetic · 20/08/2013 20:32

Are they women you know too?

TheUnsympathetic · 20/08/2013 20:32

Are they women you know too?

xiaozhu · 20/08/2013 21:05

No, not odd at all - if my DH did the same thing I would genuinely have no problem. First, when exactly would there be time for any inappropriateness on a daytime outing with 3 other people doing an outdoor activity? Unless this is some sort of threesome swingers' hiking club? Second, he told you he was going beforehand and posted pics of it afterwards - if he was doing something dodgy why would he take photos?

On the other hand, I don't know about the back story here, but I would be careful. There is some history and you have set 'boundaries' so I think that if he was being cagey about it he was probably just testing these boundaries and building up ammunition for the future to show you just how unreasonable you are being - i.e. stopping him meeting up with platonic female friends etc.

Either way I don't think he is cheating on you and either way I don't think you should rise to the bait.

Balancinglife · 20/08/2013 21:16

I don't know these women at all.

One of the boundaries was no one to one lunches
with women, I guess he thinks that lunch with 3 women is ok.

OP posts:

Doha · 20/08/2013 21:19

Eh yes l think lunch with 3 women is okay, he has not crossed the boundary in that respect

Balancinglife · 20/08/2013 21:32

Thanks for the responses. I am probably wary from past experiences.

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AMumInScotland · 20/08/2013 21:33

Well, 3 women is different from one-to-one.

But... after a past infidelity he ought to be falling over himself to not do anything that could give you concerns, and his caginess about the facts of this outing is not the sort of "open and honest" behaviour he should be aiming for.

AnyFucker · 20/08/2013 21:34

With no history, this wouldn't raise an eyebrow from me

His skirting around the truth seems a bit off though

InternationalPower · 20/08/2013 21:52

In itself, I wouldn't have a problem with it at all, but with his history and the fact that he's keeping secrets/not being straight with you, I would be concerned, yes.

Are you sure all 3 of them were at the lunch?

SolidGoldBrass · 20/08/2013 21:57

Is the activity something you also like and enjoy? Or is it something you have no interest in at all?

As to his past 'infidelity', how long ago was it, and what happened to finish it? And when it came to setting 'boundaries', was this after a long discussion between the two of you? What sometimes happens after a breach of monogamy is that the faithful partner becomes unable to forgive/forget and proceeds to snoop and check up and moan at the other for so long that the other person thinks, might as well have the fun as well as the punishment.

ageofgrandillusion · 20/08/2013 22:11

He seems to like the ladies this bloke.

AnyFucker · 20/08/2013 22:20

3 at a time ? That is doubtful

Unless he has a cock studded with diamonds, of course. Which is unlikely

BadLad · 21/08/2013 04:15

Wouldn't that just make for extremely painful sex, rather then being a plus? Unless you are intending to kill him, chop it off, and then sell off the diamonds after washing them thoroughly (I hope).

#overthinking

sussexmum38 · 21/08/2013 06:54

Maybe a bit strange for not saying that he spent time with 3 women, but did post the pictures. So perhaps a little testing going on.

ExitPursuedByABear · 21/08/2013 06:57

I think we need to know what the activity was?

JustinBsMum · 21/08/2013 08:01

An 'outdoor activity' that the majority of men, apparently, have no interest in, 2-aside hockey? ladies village tandem group? a very select walking group?
Just interested to know what it is? A walking group probably but you usually go home after the walk, don't spend all afternoon in the pub. Or the OW bringing pals along so that the evil DW doesn't get suspicious?

newbiefrugalgal · 21/08/2013 08:25

It's the lack of openness about it all which is the problem. Based on your past

Balancinglife · 21/08/2013 08:29

It wasn't a walking group or mixed doubles or the like. It was an activity you book for an hour.

We don't have the money spare either at the moment.

OP posts:

InternationalPower · 21/08/2013 08:40

So, he left home at 8 for an hour's activity an hour away from home, so he should have been finished by 10am? Let's say they planned to arrive early and that they actually finished 11am, it wasn't even lunch time, wouldn't you come home for lunch?

Do the photos include the lunch, were they all still there, or was it a social morning and a 121 lunch/afternoon?

As I said, on the face of it I don't think there's anything wrong with him spending time with 3 friends sharing a common interest that you're not involved in, but when there are secrets/half truths and things don't add up/feel right something isn't right IME.

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Mosman · 21/08/2013 09:12

Why didn't you get invited along

AnyFucker · 21/08/2013 09:29

Doubles badminton/tennis ?

Why don't you just say what the activity was ?

TippiShagpile · 21/08/2013 09:33

I think the activity is relevant.

A game of golf if he knows these women from his golf club - fine.

An outdoor group massage - not so.

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