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4 people, a day out - your dp and 3 women - is that odd?

(72 Posts)
Balancinglife Tue 20-Aug-13 19:28:34

I don't quite know what to make of this.

My dp told me he had been invited to an outdoor activity.
Fine. Though he didn't say much about it and usually he wants to show me photos and tell me all about it which he didn't this time.. He left before 8am, I checked and it was an hour away. Text me 12noon to say he had finished his activity and got home at 4pm, saying he had lunch.

It was only after he posted photos online that I realised he was the only male along with 3 women (not work colleagues)

And I'm not altogether happy as we have boundaries in place, supposed to be open and all that after a past infidelity on his part.

TippiShagpile Wed 21-Aug-13 09:33:03

I think the activity is relevant.

A game of golf if he knows these women from his golf club - fine.

An outdoor group massage - not so.

Balancinglife Wed 21-Aug-13 09:34:30

I cant remember what its called. You roll down a hill in a plastic ball

Looksgoodingravy Wed 21-Aug-13 09:46:11

He should have talked to you before the event especially with the past infidelity and the fact that you've talked about boundaries.

FWIW I'd feel exactly the same, dp and I also have boundaries due to past infidelities and if he did something like this without mentioning anything and then let me find out through photos I'd be mighty pissed off tbh.

Communication - it doesn't take much!

Looksgoodingravy Wed 21-Aug-13 09:51:02

It's like he's trivialising the pain he caused you in the past.

Infidelity changes relationships, it takes time to heal and build up the trust that has been shattered.

How long ago was the infidelity?

AnyFucker Wed 21-Aug-13 09:57:37

Roll down the hill in a plastic ball ?

Gosh, do grown ups do that ?

That probably wasn't very helpful, sorry

Were you invited ? Is it four to a ball (as it were) or is it individual balls ?

InternationalPower Wed 21-Aug-13 10:00:56

What's the club? - surely it's not a rolling down the hill in a plastic ball club?!

Balancinglife Wed 21-Aug-13 10:03:51

I found out the full extent 18 months ago. Saying that he has been on 3 weekends away this year where its been mixed male/ female and I have been fine but he has told me first and shown me all the photos. This time he was too quiet. I had to ask him about it.

AnyFucker Wed 21-Aug-13 10:06:59

I am guessing you are very upset, but with your stilted posting style and having to keep asking for relevant information you are difficult to help.

What is this "group" they are all members of and were you invited ?

Feelingworried67 Wed 21-Aug-13 10:07:07

Hmmm, I'd be suspicious... Have you confronted him, what is his response?

I feel your drip feeding a bit hmm

Looksgoodingravy Wed 21-Aug-13 10:09:53

It's called Zorbing when you roll inside a huge inflatable ball type thing.

I don't know if I'd be suspicious, I'd just feel pissed off that he hasn't mentioned anything, which tells me he probably knew what your response would be.

Think you need to talk about boundaries again with him.

Looksgoodingravy Wed 21-Aug-13 10:11:47

And yes, I'd want to know why I hadn't been invited along.

TwoStepsBeyond Wed 21-Aug-13 10:27:21

But surely the 'zorbing' is not something you do as part of a club on a regular basis, its something you do for a laugh with your friends as a one-off or the type of thing you do on a date .

Its a bit different from the OP, which made it sound like they went climbing or playing tennis etc where you are part of a club and you all go and do your chosen activity together on a weekly basis, its more like he was invited to the pub with 3 female friends and they went zorbing too.

If you trust him, then fair enough, but obviously - and with good reason - you don't, so in my book, he was out of order for not explaining who he was going with and for not being more transparent about it when he got back. The fact that you've had to do some digging to see photos doesn't sound like he's being up front about it. You need to ask why.

DottyDot Wed 21-Aug-13 10:27:47

obviously you've got reason to be apprehensive about this, given the previous infidelity, but just to say that I used to go out relatively regularly with 2 - 3 men as the only woman and it wasn't strange at all - we shared a love of pub crawling in Chorlton and dp wasn't at all interested/bothered about coming along. It's more or less stopped now due to most of them partnering up and having small babies, so more limited social lives but it used to be good fun and not at all 'dodgy'.

So it could be completely innocent and just your dp having fun with friends.

TwoStepsBeyond Wed 21-Aug-13 10:31:05

and wasting family money on rolling down a hill in a ball would piss me off too.

2rebecca Wed 21-Aug-13 10:41:35

If there were 3 women it sounds innocent, I've been out in groups of blokes in activities and my husband does music related things where it's often him and a group of women.
The lack of discussion about who was going would bother me though, plus were you invited to go along to watch/ take photos/ for the kids to watch their dad rolling down a hill in a ball?

So is there a zorbing club?

I was trying to imagine if I did my hobby and went out horse riding with three men whether DH would think it odd. Or if he went out bike riding with three women. Hang on, wasn't there a thread a while ago about a man and a woman cycling together?

Sorry, but I would find it suspicious that it took all day. And I also find it odd that this is done as a hobby rather than a one off bit of fun.

BalloonSlayer Wed 21-Aug-13 10:49:33

Hamster club?

worldcitizen Wed 21-Aug-13 10:53:03

OP, I only know men who do this activity as part of a fun afternoon/evening including pub crawl etc.
Either all men OR mixed group, but everyone is sort of involved in the planning activity.

I only know men planning something like this in a group with females only, if there is ONE woman he is interested in.
Why being secretive, why being cagey about it, they're not even co-workers or friends you know as well????
And posting photos afterwards doesn't mean that there is not ONE particular woman some flirting and some getting-to-know-better was going on with.

And spending money and (precious) time like this would be a dealbreaker for me, especially since there is a back story to this.

I used to have a male co-worker, late 50's, who fancied another co-worker (female late 20's). We all didn't know.
All I have noticed is how often he was the initiator of group outings, let's go have lunch sort of thing, organising free theatre tickets for ALL of us, wanting to organise a long weekend trip to another country etc.

Turned out he was so madly in love with her. He is 31 years married with 3 children ( between 23 and 27) and after almost one year he started making passes as in sending texts, trying to call her etc.
That's when the penny dropped and it all went ugly. She reported him and she invloved all of us and asked for support etc. and he had to leave to a different department and all that.

I don't know, if this story highlights anything. But all I wanted to say is, that in my experience men can have a long breath and disguise their doings, so it seems to look all so innocent.

Balancinglife Wed 21-Aug-13 11:02:56

Sorry, not meaning to drip feed. Was working 11 hours yesterday, 12 today prob as its busy. And my replies are just quickly on my phone as Im working.

JustinBsMum Wed 21-Aug-13 11:33:43

Well, it sounds a great idea, what fun, you would like to join them next time, wouldn't you.

AnyFucker Wed 21-Aug-13 11:40:13

Ugh it sounds utterly grim to me. But yes, why weren't you invited. ?

SarahBumBarer Wed 21-Aug-13 11:54:53

I'm a grown up and I would LOVE to do zorbing!!!

OP was the caginess just about not wanting to cause a ruckus because he was spending money on this activity rather than hiding anything about it being with 3 women? I'm not saying that is OK just that it seems to me that is more likely to be what the caginess is about - the situation is not screaming infidelity to me.

Were the photos posted somewhere that he would know that you were likely to see them?

Floggingmolly Wed 21-Aug-13 11:56:17

Social network friends hmm. So he met them on Facebook? Do they even know about you? Because if they do, it's extremely odd that the invitation wasn't extended to you as well.

Looksgoodingravy Wed 21-Aug-13 12:09:14

Ds (aged 6) has had a go at Zorbing many times.

The child in me would like to try it!

Dp wouldn't dream of doing this. If he wanted to go out with mutual friends fine, he now knows however that to do as your dh did with friends outside of the relationship (in particular those on social networking sites (fb)) is a big no no! Not unless I was included.

I think he's been completely disrespectful to your feelings!

Fairenuff Wed 21-Aug-13 13:22:59

He left before 8 and was home by 4 (8 hours)
The activity was an hour away so 2 hours travelling (leaves 6 hours)
The activity itself lasted an hour (leaving 5 hours)
Lunch could take two hours.

That still leaves 3 hours unaccounted for.

Why don't you ask him:

What time did the activity start
What time did it end
What did he do for the other three hours

And why is he spending money you can't afford?

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