Update on my stingy MIL post if anyone remembers

[tabbycat15]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1803878-Stingey-MIL-makes-me-feel-like-an-outsider

I might be repeating some things in this msg but my previous post is a long thread.

Well we broached the subject but were told that they hadn't factored in paying us anything & made it such a big deal that it costs so much for them to come & see us that they can't afford to give us anything. They are coming business class & they are not that hard up for money. They said that they had to have their roof fixed & BIL is living there rent free/unemployed & what with his baby coming along they have to buy things for him.

We have worked out that we will be about $1000 out of pocket when they stay. The fleeced us with rent, never helped us out when we had no money & had to buy food/nappies on our credit card. They never bought DS anything like a cot or pram when he was born.

When we lived there she wouldn't let us do our washing in her machine even though we bought it. She said I don't think my machine will cope with all your washing so we had to take it to the launderette. This was 21 years ago & we were charged 170 pounds each rent for staying there.

I am so angry that I have the inlaws from hell. I've only ever been nice to them. Mil never helped out with DS or helped me at home. I was really ill with PND & have no parents. They lived 5 mins away but just didn't want to know. They only ever had DS twice when he was sick & couldn't go to the childminder. I had to pay the childminder & MIL charged me by the hour as well to have him for a few hours. I had to go into work as I had no other choice.

The only time MIL ever rang was when she wanted her beauty treatment done for free. When ever they came to our house we would be in waiting for them. They never rang the door bell, just walked straight in with our key. We had a key for their house but always rang the bell as wouldn't have just walked in.

If we went up for dinner I was told what I had to provide. I usually had to cook the dinner & bring it up with me. I can understand bringing so wine or something but not the main course. Xmas we had to buy everything except the turkey & take it up with us. She would make a point of telling us how big the turkey was & how much it costs.
She wouldn't feed DS at all when he was there. We had to bring all his food & drink with us.

I really have the stingist inlaws. I'm glad we are in Australia now as now I realise how bad they treated us.

[AKissIsNotAContract]

I hope you're telling them not to bother coming to see you. Tight bastards.

[tabbycat15]

Also I forgot to say we ate the last bit of our wedding cake. She got really mad with us for eating it saying she was saving it for Xmas instead of making a Xmas cake. The cake was the only decent thing we had from our wedding as I had no dress, honeymoon, reception or photos. We basically went to the registry office, got married & came home. We had no money for a wedding & they gave us nothing. I can't believe she begrudged us eating our own wedding cake.

I still can't believe when I told her I was pregnant that she said, well there's always the possibility that I could lose it. When we told her I was pregnant when we emigrated she said, well I wont have anything to do with it, not congratulations or anything. They made out to other people that it was such a big deal that we had taken away their grandchildren but when we lived there they never wanted anything to do with us.

[Mixxy]

I remember your thread tabby. God she really is the living end. I'm glad you guys had the courage to at least raise the issue with her. So she stone walled you.

Don't go out of your way for them when they are over. Don't do her beauty treatments for her. Just be polite and accept the visit. It will be over soon.

Then you never, ever have to endure that woman again.

You poor thing, tabby. She is so mean to you and not just financially. What a git she is.

[giantpenguinmonster]

I don't think your IL's are stingy. I think they are victimising you and are just nasty people. You deserve better.

Do they add to your happiness in anyway? Personally I would just cut them off. Don't have them to stay.

[tabbycat15]

It's too late, they've already booked their tickets. They keep on saying how they've had such a bad year. FIL had melonoma & BIL lost his job & got this random girl pregnant. They keep saying the only thing keeping them going is coming out for a wonderful holiday. MIl wont cook as she doesn't like cooking on a gas hob. She wont iron as doesn't like my steam iron & is scared of it. They basically expect me to wait on them hand & foot. I change all the beds & do the house work when they are here. They just like sitting outside & having everything done for them.

When we were there I had to do all the housework & cooking, they never offer to do anything when they are here.

One Xmas I was so sick with flu that I stayed at home on my own & didn't go up there. I was self employed & lost so much money. We couldn't afford to buy them xmas presents so they didn't buy us anything. I had never been so ill in all my life. I was sick for 3 weeks. I cried on xmas day as I felt so poorly, inlaws never rang to see how I was or if I needed any help. I was so sick I just wanted my own bed. I just didn't have the strength to get up. MIl would have moaned the whole time as she suffers with her sinuses & would have kept on saying that she hoped she didn't catch. I was made to feel that I had spoilt Xmas.

[janji]

Provide them with the basics and nothing else. Explain that you simply do not have the funds to support an additional 2 adults ( I'd then be tempted to add how they must know how hard it can be as they insisted on asking you and your dh for money at the time you stayed with them)!

[tabbycat15]

I just put up with their ways as that's the way they've always been & I can't change them. They are very old school & like routine.
They just have this way of making us feel awkward & even if we do stand up to them it makes no difference.

I'll still be billed for the few things I've asked her to bring over.
As I don't have any parents they are the only grandparents my kids have.
I suppose it's easier to bear them now as we only see them every 2 years for 6 weeks. After this time I think they will only come out once more. FIL will be 78 the next time they come & I don't think they will come after that. We certainly can't afford to go there & would have no where to stay.

[conantg]

Don't wait on them hand and foot this time. They can change their own bed linen. She can iron her own sheets. If she doesn't like your iron she can sleep in wrinkled sheets. Try to be less obliging. It will be hard, but you have the right to set the rules in your own home.

[gamerchick]

It's tempting just to tell them not to come but in reality it's not that simple I know.

Don't go out of your way for them though. Keep things as basic as possible...from toiletries to food. No fancy meals.

Can you make sure you're out of the house as much as possible? Or have friends come over often.

I wouldn't need bothered about appearing rude.. you don't want them to come back.

[StupidFlanders]

Holy shit! I just read your old thread and your update.

She sounds like the most revolting person - like a character in a movie.

I wouldn't be able to stop myself from having an awkward conversation after she arrived. My theory is people like that survive on other people being too polite to call them on their behaviour.

Maybe around the table while the father is there too casually question why she has always behaved so socially aggressive towards you? Then list a few examples.

Or if she mentions again that she can't afford to pay you I'd say that you assumed by the fact that she had taken every opportunity in the past to fleece you she would have expected to pay for the stay.

You could even do it assume aggressively and ring the father and say that you hoped you hadn't upset dmil by mentioning money, again, you had just assumed by her charging you for every night you had ever stayed and every meal you'd ever eaten at theirs was the way she did things.

Does the fil even know?

Don't cut them out- just never see them and write regularly and send photos- for the first time in my life I'm hoping you inherit from them one day!

[StupidFlanders]

That was passive aggressive not assume.

[tabbycat15]

It's hard though as where we live you have to be taken out in a car to go anywhere. They like to know each day where we are going/doing & hate it if we change it.

I'll be working some of the time but we only have one car so it limits what we can do with them.

FIL really annoys me. If the girls are making a noise when they are here he will tut if he's watching the news or something. It really irritates me.
When DS was born & cried FIL tutted so I spent hours just sitting up in our bedroom. I ended up making a rod for my own back as every time he cried I picked him up. He just cried all the time if I put him down.

When they came to the hospital to see DS they stayed for 5 mins & made me feel really awkward. They just looked at DS, never asked how I was & then just left. They never held him. The only thing I can think is that they think I ruined DH's career as he was just starting to join the police. We had planned our pregnancy but maybe they thought we were too young, we were 21 at the time & hadn't bought a house. I just don't really know why the seem to take advantage of me

From the moment DS was born I had PND & felt so bad. I wasn't diagnosed until DS was 17 mths as the Drs just did iron & thyroid tests & said there was nothing wrong with me. I really don't know how I coped on my own with a baby that cried all the time. I would have done anything for a few hours on my own to get some sleep.

I vow to make sure that I'm there for my kids no matter what.

[fuzzywuzzy]

Suggest they pay you in instalments then, starting from now, so they'll be paid up by the time they arrive.
Or you're sorry you can't afford to have them stay.

And no I would not be waiting on the hand and foot either. MIL doesn't coo on gas I presume Australia has takeaways and restaurants?

[fuzzywuzzy]

And they can use taxis.

I'd buy kids a drum kit and put them in the living room whenever FIL wants to watch the news.

[tabbycat15]

Fil is just as bad but MIL wears the trousers when it comes to housekeeping money & controls it. They've always had separate accounts & I think she saw it as a way to make money from us. At the time our friends paid about $25-$50 a month for their keep. We paid $170 each & she couldn't even let us do our washing there.

When we lived there FIL didn't have a car. He used our car during the week when we were at work. We went to the shops at the weekend & when we got back a bit later than expected FIL tutted as he wanted to go out. He begrudged us using our own car & tutted & made us feel bad.
When we sold our car the 6 weeks before we emigrated FIL never offered us his car. We had to lug all our washing down the launderette & he wouldn't even give me a lift home late at night as I was staying at my brothers.

I just don't understand how they can treat people like they do.

[gamerchick]

Because people let them.

[Mixxy]

And if she tries to make plans for the next visit tell her to start saving now as your rates will have gone up by then.

All this harm to you and your DC. Frankly, fuck her and the horse she rode in on.

Practice your deep sighs for when they do anything that annoys you. I hope your DH has a nive treat\ evening out for you guus for when they leave.

[Timpetill]

Tabbycat, there are hotels in Australia, and serviced apartments. Send them a link to wotif, and let them at it. And let them know that, unfortunately, it won't be possible to have them stay at yours on this occasion. Get your DH to do so, if you feel you can't. They are foul and are only getting away with this garbage because others allow it. So don't.

[CakesAreNotTheAnswer]

She acts this way because you let her. Remember what Mumsnet always says: no is a complete sentence. She is a cow of the highest order but she can't actually compel you to do anything unless you are complicit and children don't need just any old grandparents, they need good, kind, involved grandparents (and so do you) otherwise they're just a duty for your kids and not a blessing.
Get tough x

[impatienttobemummy]

You have got to put your foot down as other posters suggest start getting money up front. I do not wash people's clothes and iron them when they go on holiday to my home!

I've visited family in Oz they wouldn't accept money so we took them out for either dinner or a lunch nearly every other day to try and make up for it! I washed my own clothes!!

Please try to change how you deal with them this time as you sound like although your complaining about them you are going to do it all again their way anyway as you can't fight it. Yes you can!! It's your home and your DCs home you make the rules!!!

[giantpenguinmonster]

Sorry you can't get out of this visit OP. It's quite obvious that they can afford to help you out etc as business class flights are really expensive. They are using money to bully you and keep you in your place. You REALLY deserve so much better.

What does your DH say about it? I don't think it is good for your kids to see you treated this way.

[cleopatrasasp]

Just say no to them. Tell them you don't give a flying fuck about their bad year since they've never cared about you when you've had problems. Tell them they can get on a plane all they like but once they get to Australia they can find their own accommodation.

Seriously, don't entertain these tightfisted, nasty pieces of work any more. You really don't have to and I actually think it's bad for your mental health and a bad example to set your children to do so.

You've had a shit time but you've built a happy life, don't let these arseholes steal even a little bit of it.o

[Walkacrossthesand]

It sounds awful, but a theme that runs through is that you seethe, try to tackle them and cave. The bottom line is, you don't have to be nice to them, you don't have to please them, it doesn't matter if they think you're awful. So they've booked their tickets - so what. You don't believe for a arcing that they can't afford a hotel (business class to Australia?!) and they're letting BIL stay with them rent free while billing you for a few bits & pieces? You have simply got to say no, and mean it! A telephone call and/or email in which you say you've tried dropping hints, suggesting things, but they've chosen to ignore them so you have to be blunt and say - they can't come to stay. End of conversation. Incidentally, did they ask you before booking their tickets? If not, you do not need to feel a moment's angst. If get did, you agreed, and now regret it, the stance is that you didn't realise they'd be expecting hotel service for 6 weeks, you can't provide or afford this so they have to make other arrangements. But you have to shift your mindset to 'they are NOT staying with us, no how, no way', not wringing your hands saying how awful it will be.

[Walkacrossthesand]

Excuse typos - you know where they are!

[AKissIsNotAContract]

I really agree that as hard as it is for you, now is the time to stand up to them. If you really have to let them stay just don't go out of your way for them. Let them get a cab to the airport, cook only enough food for you DH and the children. Don't change their sheets, tell them they can use your washing machine if they stick a fiver in the money box.

They sound absolutely awful. If they were my inlaws I wouldn't have them in the house