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Really need some help

(110 Posts)
Brokemyself Tue 06-Aug-13 21:44:58

Hello, I'm pregnant with DC3 and after a long rough patch which seemed to be getting better we had a huge row and'D' P has just stormed out again. God knows where he has gone this time. Our relationship became a mess during my pregnancy with DC2 as he can't handle my pregnancy mood swings and shuts down when in fact I need support emotionally the most so any emotional withdrawal makes me feel even more alone than I already am. Apologies if this is rather incoherent as I'm crying my eyes out in frustration and hurt having been walked out on for the umpteenth time! I can't talk to anyone as we have become that nightmare couple that argue all the time in fact I've lost friends over our ups and downs but we are trying to stick it out as we I guess hope things will go back to some kind of normal relationship. We have both become by nasty and disrespectful in some instances and its hard to some back from that well it seems like its hard to come back from that in light of what is happening now. I can't forgive him for past indiscretions (no affairs, or so he says) but boundary breaking and line crossing. Walking out is his favourite hurtful trick and he has promised not to do but once again here we are.
I'm so upset and so uncertain about our family's future. Where the fuck has he gone this time damnit!

wordyBird Wed 07-Aug-13 00:56:27

Women's Aid is for all women, and domestic abuse extends way beyond just the physical. Please think about talking to them.

Your relationship sadly ticks a lot of emotional abuse boxes...
- starts, or is worse when you are pregnant (because you need support, but he wants you to focus on him)
- his lack of empathy and compassion ..unless I am being well behaved in a sense and not stressing him out all hell breaks loose. So everything's fine as long as you behave how he wants
- I am great at over analysing, where he has never questioned his behaviour in the slightest .... very typical in EA
- when you complain about his behaviour, he turns it round by saying you do it too
- name calling and swearing

Do think about calling them OP.

Firebomb Wed 07-Aug-13 01:10:53

I believe that if you want the relationship to get better, you both have to work on fixing it, not just one of you. Definitely get the kiddos away when you are arguing. If you feel like there is going to be a fight, send them to their room to play before it starts and try to keep things quiet. I HATE when my SO yells at me in front of my son, cause I just watch him, watching us and it breaks my heart because he shouldn't be exposed to anger yet. I hate my SO sometimes for causing that small loss of innocence.

Brokemyself Wed 07-Aug-13 09:12:44

We have another huge argument this am. It was completely my fault, I'm still upset about last night and he just ignores me and stonewalls when I'm upset which makes me feel awful.

I walked out this morning which I've never done before and left him with the children, I went sobbing around the block so was only gone for about 15 minutes. He looked like he wanted to kill me as he is now ten minutes last for work. It was horrible. He has thrown things at me before and token a few of my things thankfully he just stormed out.

Like I said it was probably my fault as I started it by looking for some sort of response from him or he would ignore me for days and sleep in separate rooms which is what normally happens.

You are probably going to ask why I stay, well this is my family so...
I'm at breaking point every day and never sleep for more than three hours at a time during the night because I'm so stressed out by all of this.

My neighbours think we are crazy and to all intents and purposes we probably are. I don't have great neighbours so not really too upset by their opinion. I am working with my HV as of yesterday but that I feel devastated on a daily basis and I know it's not normal to feel this shit!

He has told me during arguments he 'fucking hates me' and I make him more unhappy than he has ever been amongst per things but them we make up and he is nice and helpful to some extent.

I am usually very confident but have no self esteem after the last few months and its soul destroying.

HoopersGinger Wed 07-Aug-13 09:26:16

Morning OP. Stay here today. It sounds like you're tearing yourself to pieces trying to make him give you some reassurance that everything is ok. Back off. Don't react. Give yourself some space. Try to disengage and chat here instead of texting him etc.

Brokemyself Wed 07-Aug-13 10:02:57

Too late re the texts...I find it really hard to control my reactions at the moment. It's all power play with him and I'm not so good with keeping my mouth shut since I've been pregnant. I do blame myself in this, I'm not looking for sympathy but I could as you say not react in the way I do. He just can't deal with me. The minute I'm not behaving the way he thinks I should or responding how he thinks appropriate its back to square one.

wordyBird Wed 07-Aug-13 10:19:12

The minute I'm not behaving the way he thinks I should or responding how he thinks appropriate its back to square one.

...this isn't normal, is it? You're blaming yourself, but it's not your fault. Healthy relationships aren't like this.

MumnGran Wed 07-Aug-13 10:22:04

OP - sometimes we try and try to make something work, when maybe it really is time to call it a day.
While the two of you are involved in this constant battle, life at home must be very miserable.
Is it the right environment for your children to grow up in?
Are you ever going to feel that you have a stable life, when you partner departs in a flounce every time you disagree?
Aren't you entitled to more than that.

Alone is scary, but not as miserable as living in a war zone.

Brokemyself Wed 07-Aug-13 10:26:38

Not it isn't normal in theory I understand the principles of a healthy relationship (I think) but reality is so warped right now. I wind him up with my insecurities.

Insecurities stemming from past lying and dodgy behaviour he still downplays to this day! It's all in my head he says. I'm crazy and have issues. Maybe I do but for bloody good reason.

I tried individual counselling for a bit but the therapist didn't seem to think there was much wrong with me bar coping with a hundred different issues you shouldn't have to cope with in a lifetime Le alone a period of a few months.

He has said I make him lose his temper which even I know is bullshit. I'm not taking the moral high road but I do accept responsibility for my bad behaviour however he won't.

We aren't equals anymore and I feel like I'm 17 against struggling with all sorts of stupid teenage insecurities. I'm a grown woman FFS.

Brokemyself Wed 07-Aug-13 10:32:38

MumnGran

Hello. I agree wholeheartedly and have left relationships at the first sign of any red flag rubbish. There is no outright malicious intent to anyone's behaviour if that makes sense it's all borne out of frustration and stress. Not excusing it by any means! It's a situation out of our control.

Main problem is I am finding it hard to let go of the past and move forward and no issues are ever addressed and the same behaviour continues.

He is a 'move forward' person (so am I!) but for him that means ignoring anything difficult. Ie my feelings towards shitty, denigrating and disrespectful behaviour.

He is great with the children mostly but it's quite highly strung. Blames me for this of course. Maybe I do stress him out.

But yes this environment is not going to produce emotionally mature and stable children I agree. We want this family unit to work but with so little trust and respect its hard not to fall back on old patterns. Especially when no past issues have ever been addressed let alone resolved.

lemonstartree Wed 07-Aug-13 10:34:06

why on earth did you bring THREE children into this horrible, abusive (both ways I expect) hostile environment ? What do you think they are learning about how adults treat each other ?

if its stressful with two kids - what will it be like with three?

I suggest you ask him to stay away for a while an have a bloody good think - both of you - what you want form life and particularly family life, Then you need some serious marital therapy and a genuine commitment to be respectful & polite to each other, and behave to each other in the same way you would to any other adult. If you cannot do this then FFS call time and move on.

Brokemyself Wed 07-Aug-13 10:43:37

Thanks lemon, I was waiting for this question that I haven't asked myself time and time again smile

We planned a family with three children and are really happy about this one. As I said we were doing really well after my PND/his crappy support.

We have been on a waiting list for therapy for ages now.

Thanks for your other comments they make sense.

MumnGran Wed 07-Aug-13 11:04:27

I am going to try and say this in the gentlest way I can given the limits of an online forum ....... are you sure you know what red flags look like, in all the various shades?
You say you have left previous relationships which showed major signals, but minor signals can be hard to spot until stress brings them to full on fury.
You mention so many many things which are not right in your relationship. OP. They are not right in any relationship, and the fact that your partner feels very stressed because you are suffering from pregnancy related emotional issues is not an excuse. Of any kind.

Please stand back from this and look at what you are really saying:
He walks out when you have disagreements, and blames you
He doesn't speak to you for days, and blames you
He breaks your things, and blames you
If he thinks you are not being 'well behaved' then 'all hell breaks loose'
If you speak honestly and he doesn't like it, then he flies into a 'furious rage'
He has lied repeatedly in the past
He tells you to fuck off in front of your children.
Life is only OK when you 'behave yourself' on his terms
You have lost friends over this relationship
Your family are past the point of offering support
The people who live close to you are horrified by what they hear.

Any which way you look at this, OP, this is a damning list and I can't think of many people who would not see red flags waving up and down like a parade!

There are two ways of looking at it.
Either he is responsible for his own behaviour and is subjecting you to serious emotional abuse
Or - if one accepts that you contribute a 50% share to the abuses in the relationship and I don't accept that from a pregnant woman with PND, I'm afraid then you need to realise that this is actually a toxic relationship for both of you and should be ended before the problems escalate any further.

See some sense, OP.

Brokemyself Wed 07-Aug-13 11:13:59

Oh I fully accept its red flag central here however as I said in an ideal world we would both like to resolve this however don't know where to start which is hopefully why counselling will help.

Maybe I'm being naive though. He claims he has never behaved this way in his previous relationship which was almost a decade long. I guess I'm hoping we will get though this.

He says he isn't coping with all the stress. My response is to man up which pisses him off.

I'm trying not to bet on potential here but I want this family to be happy but I am also not willing to sacrifice myself for anyone. Yes you may say I've already done that.

From your experience do you think this is completely unsalavagble?

MumnGran Wed 07-Aug-13 11:19:52

See my previous post

Womens aid - NOW!!!!
This is abuse and you need to realise it quickly.
Your poor kids are suffering all the time.
You need some space away from this man. Tell him not to come home until you give him the go ahead.
It sounds like absolute hell and how you are living with it every day while you are looking after 2 children and pregnant, it totally beyond me.
Give yourself a break from it all - today!!!!

Brokemyself Wed 07-Aug-13 11:34:16

I want to make this work though. That's not wrong.

Brokemyself Wed 07-Aug-13 11:34:51

Hellsbells this sounds pathetic but it's not all him...

lemonstartree Wed 07-Aug-13 11:35:26

We planned a family with three children but what about those three children ? what kind of a life will they have with parents who cannot be civil to one another ??

Children are not objects for you to acquire come hell or high water.

Brokemyself Wed 07-Aug-13 11:43:48

A terrible one. We don't have a hostile environment just currently a very volatile one. There is a difference not that it makes it any better for the children being subjected to any of it - which is why we both want to 'fix' what is happening.

I don't for one second think that, what a strange thing to say.

MumnGran Wed 07-Aug-13 12:57:21

but it's not all him...
as I said, if you believe that the issue is as much your fault as your partner, then you still need to get some distance because the relationship between you is toxic.
Some people just shouldn't be together. They can have decent relationships with other people (in theory) but should never be together.
Unless they enjoy living in hell.
And raising children in that environment.

I have the feeling you are not wanting to hear this, OP.

Brokemyself Wed 07-Aug-13 15:05:06

No, came on here for honesty. I have been pregnant in some capacity for the past two and a half years as DC2 is just under a year we also lost another baby before all this so it's been hard on everyone really. I haven't coped, he hasn't coped, I blame him for falling apart, he blames me and so on. Yes I guess you're right it is toxic.

Lweji Wed 07-Aug-13 17:28:00

Everything you have said makes me want to give you a big hug. You seem so lost and desperate.

Sometimes the only way to win is to walk away.
All of you win, including the children.

As much as we have been through during divorce, DS is now in a much more stable environment, with us separated.

Staying in a doomed relationship is also about control. We don't give up, but sometimes giving up IS the best thing to do.

Give up the fight, give up expecting anything from him.

It's not the stress. It's you not keeping things buried deep down, it's him not feeling in control of you, it's him not being allowed to be selfish.

Do talk to WA. Do talk to people in RL.
And keep it here for perspective too. smile

Brokemyself Thu 08-Aug-13 20:53:37

You're right, giving up seems to be the only sensible option here. Thanks for your kind advice.

Brokemyself Fri 09-Aug-13 12:56:32

I have literally had enough today. I want him to leave I really do, he is spiteful and cruel and I'm at the point where I just can't continue. I can't eat I can't sleep, I can't relate to DCs. I am totally isolated at home as he withholds funds and I'm completely dependent on him while I'm on maternity. I've really really fucked up. I can't cope on my own though and have no family to help. I don't know what to do.

mummytime Fri 09-Aug-13 13:14:00

Phone Women's Aid. If you can't get through try: police 101 and ask for DV or your HV or Samaritans. There is help.

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