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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Please help, I just need to talk to someone, I can't cope

30 replies

LollyPop87 · 06/08/2013 21:26

I don't know where to start. I am pathetic and rubbish and completely abnormal.

I posted about my ex being emotionally and sexually abusive to me. This relationship ended two years ago and I'm now in a very loving relationship.

I took the good advice on here and sought counselling. Im glad I did, I saw a lady yesterday, she was lovely.

But it's bought it to the forefront of my mind in a way I could never have imagined.

I have been in tears for two hours, my heart is pounding, I feel so distraught and panicky about it all, as if it only happened yesterday.

My dp knows about it but no details. I desperately need him to hold me and tell me its ok, like usual, but he's had a very long day and has fallen asleep. I don't want to wake him.

He came downstairs to see what I was doing, as he thought I was getting a shower. I jumped out of my skin because I was already panicking and he made me jump because I thought he was upstairs. I started shaking uncontrollably and cried even more, he must have thought I had gone crazy.

I'm a normal person, I promise. But I am not acting like one. My dp must think I am crazy. I don't know what to do. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I feel so alone.

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LollyPop87 · 06/08/2013 21:29

People who know me think I am so happy and carefree. I don't know how to cope with these feelings.

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Bogeyface · 06/08/2013 21:31

I am pathetic and rubbish and completely abnormal.

Well that is bollocks for a start! And I mean that in a nice way :)

You are completely normal and your reaction has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder written all over it.

Now you are in a safe place, in a loving relationship your brain has decided you are now able to process all those feelings. But its like opening a flood gate, it all comes tumbling out and you struggle to get a grip on things.

I think you need to explain to your DP exactly what the problem is. You dont have to tell him details just that your counselling has brought it all up for you and that you are struggling. Ask him to help you by holding you, listening or just being there with a smile when you are down.

Please please do tell your counsellor about this reaction as it will help him/her to structure you counselling in a such a way as to help you without causing further upset. When is your next appointment?

Offred · 06/08/2013 21:36

I just wanted to reassure you that this is absolutely a normal reaction and I'm surprised your counsellor didnt warn you tbh.

Working through things in counselling is really tough and the reaction is often saved until you get home and are safe. You just need to internalise the belief that this is a normal reaction and expect that it may happen periodically during your counselling.

Also be reassured that it will get better with time. I found the more I had had these emotional reactions the easier they were to deal with. I still occasionally have them more than a decade on from the first incident but I only began to deal with it in counselling etc about 7 years ago and then again about 2 years ago.

Could you phone the women's aid helpline for some support emotionally? Or the Samaritans? Just to get it out and have some reassurance?

In a lot of ways what you are going through now is not only normal but very healthy. You need to have the feelings to work through them. X

LollyPop87 · 06/08/2013 21:37

Thank you so much. I can't explain how much it helps to know I'm not sitting here dealing with it alone.

I'm just sitting here thinking about when I first got with my dp, and I kept what happened to myself, and everything was so lovely and perfect, I am hating myself for letting this out and allowing it to possibly have an effect on my relationship. Although my dp has assured that it won't, he said he just wants to support me.

Technically I'm still on the waiting list for counselling, it should be a month or so, but I am getting support appointments that allow me to just talk in the meantime. My next one is on Monday. Thank you for your understanding reply, knowing that at least one person doesn't think I'm crazy helps a lot.

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LollyPop87 · 06/08/2013 21:39

Thank you. The lady I spoke to didn't mention that I might feel like this, but I'd read abit about it and expected it to an extent. But I didn't think it would be this bad. Its like it literally happened yesterday. I haven't felt this bad in so long.

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YvyB · 06/08/2013 21:40

Panic attack? I had a phase of them about 5 yrs ago after a stressful event. My gp gave me a small number of beta blockers to take if necessary. I didnt even need to finish the packet. You're not crazy. All that adrenaline your body produced at the time has to be released at some point and it can take years. Try googling "frozen trauma" - I read a very interesting article on this last week. Made a lot of sense to me.

You are definitely not crazy. The fact that you've recognised something's happening that's not right and immediately sought advice is absolute proof of your sanity :)

Offred · 06/08/2013 21:41

My counsellor also encouraged me to be a bit selfish. To only tell people what I wanted them to know if I wanted them to know for reasons that would help me and I felt they would respond helpfully. Also to not worry about just asking for what I needed in terms of support and to be comfortable and not feel guilty about having it.

Bogeyface · 06/08/2013 21:46

As offred said, counselling can be very hard. Its brutal really because in order to deal with what happened you have to face it head on, all the nastiness, all the pain and the hurt that you have buried needs to be dug up and examined. That is so hard, I didnt realise just how hard it would be until I did it. But as she said, each time you take it out of the box it hurts a little less. Each time you look what you went through full in the face you see it in a less painful and threatening way.

You are in shock at the moment, and that will pass but do tell your counsellor.

Thinking of you

PS Trust your DP, let him help you as he clearly wants to.

LollyPop87 · 06/08/2013 22:12

Thank you so much for your replies. I felt like I was just losing control, knowing that there's a reason for how I'm feeling and that its actually normal is so reassuring.

My confidence and self-esteem is just a rock botton atm. I feel pretty useless. My dp has had such a long day, so I just wanted him to be avle to relax when he got home. I cooked tea, but afterwards was when my panicking kicked in, I don't know why. He washed up and sorted all the washing out. I stood up to waah up but my legs were like jelly and I couldn't stand.

I really should be getting a shower right now, but have climbed into bed next to dp so that I feel less alone. Ive also bought a can of diet coke with me, which I shouldn't have. I should be showered, with a glass of water, ready to go asleep and wake up fresh tomorrow. But I haven't and I do feel so pathetic because of it. Its like I just can't cope with normal things.

Thanks again for all your replies, I feel so much calmer knowing I'm not alone.

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twentyten · 06/08/2013 22:16

Hang on in there. It's hard but you will get through. Good luck.

BreeWannabe · 06/08/2013 22:19

Breathe-you're safe and you're ok. You're just releasing feelings your brain has subconsciously held onto. It's like opening floodgates to let it all out and let it go into the past. You're safe and have survived and you're strong! It won't affect your relationship. Post as much as you need to; there are lots of people who will listen.

Well done for taking the step to counselling :) You're fine, safe and strong. Keep repeating that! :)

Offred · 06/08/2013 22:21

If the roles were reversed would you want DP to wake you and ask for a hug?

Mumtochops12 · 06/08/2013 22:22

Hi, just been reading through your posts and wanted to let you know you're not alone, as other people have said. Is there really a waiting list to see a counsellor? No way you can go back to your GP and try and speed things up? Sorry if this sounds naive but I don't know how these things work. Anyway, sending positive thoughts your way, I hope you're feeling better in the morning x

Offred · 06/08/2013 22:25

I suggest that if you have a good DP he will not mind being tired and would feel sad thinking of you being sad and alone in the bed next to him.

Firebomb · 06/08/2013 22:27

I can tell you from personal experience that seeking counseling has a way of making you feel worse before it make you feel better. I went because I have suffered through severe long term depression and Borderline Personality Disorder for most of my life (thought I didn't know the terms for them until I sought help). I was also sexually abused in a previous relationship (though he denies it and genuinely doesn't think he did anything bad). My SO was also in love with my sister for the better part of our beginning of the relationship and that really fucked with me on a completely different level.

After I went to therapy, a couple weeks or so later, I 'unlocked' so previously repressed childhood memories of inappropriate behavior that just sent me reeling. It caused a week long hospital stay in a behavioral clinic. I was locked in and they wouldn't let me out until they were convinced the medicine they were giving me would keep me calm. I was even on suicide watch for 72 hours even though I didn't attempt it.

It was awful and my SO was hardly very supportive of it all (he even almost left me while I was in there...) so please, believe me when I say, if you have a supportive SO please PLEASE take advantage of that and seek comfort with him. You don't have to tell him what is going through your mind if you don't want to, but if you feel alone, just tell him you need him to be there for you.

LollyPop87 · 06/08/2013 22:33

Thank you all so much. I can't tell you how reassuring it is to be told there is a reason for how I'm feeling. I honestly thought I was just being really pathetic and useless. I still feel bad, but less overwhelmingly.

I would want him to wake me up if it was the other way round, and I know he'd want me to wake him up if he knew I was upset. But I feel guilty. I already hate that I've put this burden on him. Apart from the lady I spoke to on Monday, he is the only person I have told. He's glad I told him, but definitely finds it very upsetting.

I held his hand before and although he was asleep he held my hand back, which was nice and comforting.

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alicetrefusis · 06/08/2013 22:38

What fire said. A million times. Xxx

LollyPop87 · 06/08/2013 22:41

Thank you so much for sharing your experience firebomb. It sounds like you have been through alot, you are very strong. I hope things are getting better for you. I know I am lucky to have a supportive dp. I should probably let him support me more but I worry so much about burdening him.

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LollyPop87 · 06/08/2013 22:45

I'm not sure if I could get counselling any sooner. I didn't actually go through my gp, but through a charity called RASA. Although there's a waiting list, I will still have weekly support appointments, which are helpful, as I've never talked about it before in any detail, so getting it all of my chest is a relief.

Thank you again for all your replies, I can't convey how much I appreciate the support and advice that I have received.

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Buswanker · 06/08/2013 22:46

I think you are are incredibly brave x

LollyPop87 · 06/08/2013 22:50

Thank you so much Bus. You're name has actually just made me smile too, so thank you for that also :)

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Offred · 06/08/2013 23:10

Lolly, I had mine through RASA too. They were brilliant. I think you are in good hands.

Try not to worry about burdening your DP. If you need to/want to get something out or need/want something from him in terms of support just try and go with it. Talk to to counsellor about your guilty feelings.

LollyPop87 · 07/08/2013 09:49

That's good to know, thanks Offred. They did seem lovely on Monday. I surprised myself with how comfortable I was telling someone what had happened, I was worried I wouldn't be able to say much.

I think you're right I need to tell my dp what I need him to do when I feel anxious. Just holding me and being there helps so much, but I think he thinks he can't help properly because he finds it difficult to hear any details. But really I just want him to hold me till it passes.

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Offred · 07/08/2013 10:00

He can't help properly. You and him need to acknowledge that together for his benefit I think. RASA will give you proper help and support. He is there to give you love and support but he can't help you. He needs to take the pressure off himself in that regard. If there are things you can explain to him that you need from him that will help him feel better I'm sure.

LollyPop87 · 07/08/2013 11:13

Thanks. That's exactly what I've tried to explain to him, that he really isn't supposed to be doing anymore than he is already, and that just being there for me means the world to me. But I don't think he believes me. I think he thinks I'm just being kind but I really do mean it.

I think I might show him some of the replies on this thread to reassure him that it's not just me that thinks that.

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