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She's just not that into me..........

(95 Posts)
LEMisdisappointed Sat 03-Aug-13 17:14:36

So why do i bother with her? A new mum came onto the scene at DDs school last year and I really liked her. She is pretty and really great company - being with her makes me feel good about myself which is weird because i suffer from self esteem issues and she is probably the picture of everything id like to be, but the opposite of me in reality.

She has recently split with her DH and I have tried to offer her kindness, invited her out, gone out of my way to talk to her at the school gates. She does come out with our small group of mums during school times but has now dropped off the radar for the summer, refused invites to events ith the kids etc. Although been to a few that i have been on.

She has always been friendly and shared quite alot about her situation etc, i really thought she would make a good friend and we could have a laugh etc.

Our DDs don't get on particularly well but they play together if we all meet up after school.

I do get the distinct - "im not interested in being your friend" vibes from her. This is her perogative of course and i do think she is the sort of person who can pick and choose friends etc, popular, a bit of a people magnet etc, has a group of friends who are very chic and a bit of the "in crowd" I am certainly not that and don't really want to be (i dont think)

So why don't i get the fecking message and stop asking her to things? not bother to wait to walk back with her from school etc??? I am probably coming across as a bit of a loon hmm. There was someone else before this, who i felt the same about although i did all the running she blatantly was only interested if no one else avail or wanted my DP to do work in their house etc. She actually turned out to be not a very nice person in the end, other people saw this long before me - although i sort of knew. I am starting to feel this new woman is similar - not a cunt or anything but the sort of person who would drop someoen at the drop of a hat if a better offer came along. Saying that, she doesn't encourage a friendship.

Makes me sad really, i often feel not good enough.

LEMisdisappointed Sun 04-Aug-13 09:51:09

swallowed, I have a good relationship with DP, we went through a rough patch but things have been good for a long time now. He certainly doesn't treat me hideously hmm

if it's true that your relationship with your partner is that bad then that may be the bit of her that 'you wish you were like' and want to draw strength from seeing as she's split up with hers and i think you said he's a bit of a shit.

TalkingintheDark Sun 04-Aug-13 09:14:54

LEM, have you looked into where these feelings of not being good enough come from? Specifically, what was/is your relationship with your mother like?

You're asking "why don't I get the message and stop asking her to things" (asking for her friendship, essentially) and, given that you clearly know on a logical level that this isn't going anywhere, there must be a deeper emotional-logic reason for it, IMO.

Maybe you're playing out a much more important relationship issue (eg the one with your mother, perhaps) in this situation, without realising it, and that's why you can't make yourself behave in the rational way you want to. I do think you might be projecting something onto her and that unconsciously you are trying to gain her approval/liking because there's a need in you that was never met somehow, and you've set her up as someone who can (or more likely can't, but you wish she would) meet that need.

Just something you might like to explore if you're interested in looking at how relationship dynamics work, the reasons why we do things that on the surface don't make any sense.

The book club is a great idea too!

TeddyPickleStick Sun 04-Aug-13 09:07:10

I've read many of your threads over the years OP and the reason for your low self esteem is due to the hideous way your DP treats you. You've been on the receiving end of some awful stuff from him yet you now say its just usual ups and downs. Didn't you split with him recently ?

Until you finally get rid of him I think you'll always feel slightly below par.

ALittleStranger Sun 04-Aug-13 08:58:28

This whole thread reads like a thread about romantic relationships, right down to people telling the OP she's had a lucky escape.

I think the fact that the woman felt the need to say the OP "wasn't her type" when they discussed same sex attraction suggests she did interpret it as a partial come on.

tbh in the 'what to do now' bit, rather than the analyse the hell out of the poor OP business grin (you've taken it so well OP and i hope i haven't offended you in any way), i'd say one last attempt that puts the ball in her court. just say hello next time you see her, that it would be lovely to catch up sometime and you appreciate she's got a lot on her plate at the minute but 'you know where i am if you ever need anything or want to catch up'.

you lay yourself open one last time and you leave it up to her knowing you've said all you can.

aside from the girl crush bit i do think you're probably picking up on some need in her for a friend and to talk things through or something that you are reaching out to but she's not taking. so you put it out there one last time and it's up to her.

theMovedStone Sun 04-Aug-13 08:46:01

OP
You said she has split up recently with her DH
So maybe this's a reason she acts the way she does

Can you just try to talk to her more openly
I realy think that very often lack of the straightforward comunication can cause a lot of misunderstanding and confusion

twofalls Sun 04-Aug-13 07:59:43

There could be various reasons why she is behaving as she is. She may not have the emotional energy for a new friendship. She may sense your admiration and be worried about being on a pedestal. She may already have "enough" friends or she might be like my sil and deliberately keeps her distance because she hates to be organised or pinned down in anyway. Or she just might not be very nice whatever the reason it doesn't really matter. The relationship is not doing you any favours as it is making you feel bad. It's like you are the girl in the uncool gang at school who had a bit of attention from one of the in crowd and is feeling grateful and craving more. Even if you did become friends, it doesn't sound like this would be an equal relationship so you do need to back off for your own good. You do sound lovely and it is hard when you are looking for friendship.

glad it wasn't you mumat. well if you reckon your self esteem is that low and you still manage to ask people if they want to meet up or reach out for friendships then you are a very brave woman who should give herself a pat on the back for having the guts to still put yourself out there rather than bash yourself for finding it difficult itms.

OP, you've been so pleasant and calm in the face of some pretty brutal honesty on here.

You are clearly a nice person and I hope you find a way to forget about this woman, who doesn't really sound all that terrific a prospect for friendship, and love yourself a bit more.

mumat39 Sun 04-Aug-13 00:24:31

Swallowedafly, don't worry it wasn't me! grin

I have issues with low self esteem, and also over analyse things too much sometimes. So a simple 'no I can't I'm actually busy' for one person would probably have me what that means confused. So i reckon your loon theory definitely applies to me! grin

ninah Sun 04-Aug-13 00:13:05

If she's just split up with her dh she may not have a lot of emotional energy going spare at the moment. Which would make neediness even less appealing.

welshharpy Sat 03-Aug-13 20:27:00

Sorry Op, been reading this and it struck a cord. I gradually became friends with one of the mums at school, started with a quick chat in the morning etc but then quickly escalated to her waiting for me every day at the school gates at drop off & pick up times, inviting out dc over for tea etc (even though our kids do not get on particularly well).
She would then be texting me random stuff throughout the day and expecting to be included when I went out with other friends and when doing family stuff on weekends.
She came across as desperately needy and it got to the stage where my husband would roll his eyes everytime she texted as it would involve running an errand for her.
Needless to say I eventually stopped going out of my way at all for her and it was a huge relief to do so, needy people are draining without realising.
I still see her now and again and say hi but I am not her mother or husband and that is really what I think she was looking for, her mother was very distant and her marriage was love/sexless (that was what she told me anyway).
Sorry Op, dont want to be harsh but neediness is a huge turn off, true friendships are ones that do not have to be forced.

Chubfuddler Sat 03-Aug-13 20:20:03

Sounds like a massive difference in expectations of friendship.

Some adult women have friendships like the pair in beaches - longer lasting and more significant than a marriage. I'm just not like that - I'm far from socially awkward but I just don't have the time or energy to invest in friendships which need loads and loads of fuel. Basically if someone is going to get upset if we don't have coffee at least once a week, a shopping trip once a month and a girls weekend away once or twice a year it is best for us not to try to be friends.

I have some lovely friends and when they need me I am there with the wine, tissues and draft divorce petition or whatever. But I'm never going to be "besties" in that Monica and Rachel kind of way.

Perhaps she's like me. Back off and there could yet be a friendship in this.

scottishmummy Sat 03-Aug-13 20:19:07

I think this is actually a v interesting thread
Pleasant change from the usual dp losy the remote control shall I divorce him tat

filee777 Sat 03-Aug-13 20:16:56

This is a strange thread

Why is everyone being so harsh to the op, why is saying someone is beautiful a sexual thing?

Op some people like space, maybe her dd doesn't like to play with yours, maybe its something else entirely. I wouldn't worry about it judt focus your attentions on something else.

perfectstorm Sat 03-Aug-13 20:14:09

Crap, I'm sorry missbopeep - there was a second page I didn't see for some reason. confused. I didn't mean to bring it up when you'd already apologised.

IDontBowlOnShabbos Sat 03-Aug-13 20:13:45

* LEM Sorry!

oh and mumcat i did have that feeling with that preschool lady that she wasn't the kind of person i usually hung out with (swanky mercedes, always seemed super organised and grown up etc) which didn't make me think i don't want to hang out with you but maybe made me self conscious about why me or being able to be myself around her.

we're all bloody loons basically is my overall opinion on most things.

perfectstorm Sat 03-Aug-13 20:12:48

Think scottishmummy has it bang on actually. (Don't always think that, must confess. :P)

I still think arranging things such as a book club, maybe a yoga/Pilates class would be good. Something just for you, that will also build up your own self-esteem. Sorry if wrong but I get the sense you're a SAHM? That can also play merry hell with confidence, valuable though it undoubtedly is as a job.

missbopeep, it's a tad ironic that you keep endlessly banging on about how the OP "needs" harsh commentary, because she's "refusing to take on board what people say to her". As far as I can see, she's not been personally unpleasant or aggressive to anyone - unlike you. Perhaps you should take your own advice, and reflect on your behaviour here? It is not attractive, as an outsider.

IDontBowlOnShabbos Sat 03-Aug-13 20:12:18

Hi LME I think you could be right. I have a 'friend' who is very pretty and she told me she would never be friends with someone who wasn't. it was a throw away comment but still really shocked me.
If it's any consolation she's a bit of a crap friend. I think most vain people are, so you've probably had a lucky escape!

in fact, aside from the girl crush, that's a pretty viable explanation - that aside from all the cool, remote, popular vibes you're picking up a 'need to be saved' vibe that others don't see and trying to respond to it instinctively. but she's maybe not ready or doesn't know she's even giving it off yet.

or i could be codpsychologising my way into my own colon by this point wink

maybe you saw something in her that seemed to you the 'real' her aside from all that image, trendy, whatever stuff and sort of saw yourself as offering her a way out to a 'real' friendship that wasn't based on all that.

mumat39 - i totally blew it with a lovely lady once because i was in a rush and she stopped and asked me if i wanted to arrange a playdate and having never heard the term before (so wasn't used to the whole 'mummyworld' thing and this was early pre-school) so just looked confusedly and probably slightly suspiciously at her and said sorry i was in a rush and dashed off blush it turns out she is absolutely lovely and i wish i'd said yes that would be lovely but a friend was parked on double yellows and i genuinely had no clue what this woman was asking me grin

hope you're not her!

LEMisdisappointed Sat 03-Aug-13 20:06:29

thanks missbo - that makes sense

Missbopeep Sat 03-Aug-13 19:56:41

It kind of makes sense. Maybe it's her sense of aloofness and style which you envy and her ability to be choosy over her friends! Or maybe it's because she has a aura of confidence which you would like? Sometimes we are attracted to opposites even if we can see their faults.

I wouldn't get het up over it. She may dislike you or see you as not her type simply because of your hair style, choice of shoes, or something equally shallow- especially if she is trendy.

I know it can be frustrating not to have friendships returned when you reach out, but you've just got to turn it round as if it was a guy, and think ' their loss'.

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