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How best to help my friend.

(15 Posts)
JakeBullet Sat 03-Aug-13 09:16:35

I know this board is great and I really need so e quick advice about supporting my friend who has just kicked out her partner. She has been with him for a year and I have always suspected that he is controlling. She has severe mental health problems and requires support from her friends on a regular basis. Her last massive breakdown was two days ago and I ended up phoning the Crisis Team and her psychotherapist. They were all fabulous and the Crisis Team came out to see her. Fuckwit boyfriend was conspicuous by his absence because he "can't fucking stand it".
My friend spent two days with her Mum and then came back with her Mum to home last night. Fuckwit boyfriend was tere and kicked off immediately, wanted the name of "a supplier" as he wanted "some Charlie". My friend said that if he wanted drugs he had to go to his Mums as she didn't want them in the house. He raged about how he had a hard week and wanted to relax. My friend said that was fine but not in her house and he grabbed his keys, said "I'm leaving" and called her an "arsehole" before storming off.

She came over to see me for a talk, it transpires that in the past six months he has hit her three times and there have been some other incidents of hair pulling etc. this is a violent man and I have begged my friend not to take him back this time.

Trouble is that my friend has real issues with being alone and she has already said that she knows if she feels very lonely that she will ring him.

I have advised her so far to

Ring Women's Aid (sadly my friend has been in a Refuge before) she knows WA is there to support her

Contact police to discuss the violence (she is reluctant to do this)

Arrange for someone else to collect her house keys from him

Change her mobile number

Warned her about escalation and got her to think about the when the incidents occurred....the last two physical incidents were a few weeks apart.

Have also offered to put her up here at weekends until she is feeling stronger about things. Weekends are hard for her because then her DD stays with her Dad. That is when she is most likely to weaken and ring him.

Se says her DD has not seen any of this physical violence as it has always been at weekends (and probably when he is drugged up)

Anything else?

HommeDeLaMer Sat 03-Aug-13 12:39:11

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Reality Sat 03-Aug-13 12:43:06

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

HommeDeLaMer Sat 03-Aug-13 13:20:03

Reality are you always so intolerant of other peoples' views? Do you think that is helpful?

KateSMumsnet (MNHQ) Sat 03-Aug-13 13:30:01
currentlyconfuseddotcom Sat 03-Aug-13 13:36:06

Eeeek!! (At previous responses) Jake, you're being a fantastic friend by trying to anticipate her needs. How did she have a massive breakdown, in what way?

Reality Sat 03-Aug-13 13:36:28

Sorry Kate.

I'll rephrase without the fuck off.

HommedeLamer, you will find that Mumsnet is not the place to air your horrible victim blaming agenda.

Jake, you are a lovely friend and doing everything right. I hope your friend manages to keep away from him. Just know that if she does go back to him, it won't be because of anything you have or haven't done.

JakeBullet Sat 03-Aug-13 13:51:29

Thanks you, didn't see the other response but just as well by the sounds of it.

Plan is that a friend is taking all his stuff to his mothers house today and will collect the key at the same time so he has no access to her home.

The mental health issues are long term and due to a very abusive childhood. My friend has survived so much and got through it but still suffers.

I am just so angry, I guessed he was controlling but didn't realise he was hitting her.

Have reiterated that it isn't good for her DD to be around that kind of environment and my friend loves her DD to distraction so wants to ensure she never sees her Mum in that situation.

I know that realistically I can't stop her ringing him but feel that if I can be around in the lonely times (when her DD is at her Dads places) then it is less likely to occur. She told me last night that not a single bit of her loves him anymore, it's about familiarity, comfort and companionship.

Ironically she had a great relationship after leaving the refuge with a lovely man.....who collapsed and died two years ago very suddenly. Things have been very hard for her, she has not sought out this violent relationship.

Beckamaw Sat 03-Aug-13 15:03:41

You sound like a really great friend.
I think the best thing you can practically do is to rally round her other friends. Ensure she has lots of low-key weekend plans: DVDs and dinner with small groups.
Try to avoid suggesting parks or places where you will be surrounded by children, reminding her that DD is not there.
These things were lovely for me when my friends were looking after me, following a necessary break up.

Keep her busy and smiling. I wish her all the best in healing.

currentlyconfuseddotcom Sat 03-Aug-13 15:10:18

It's really sad to hear that she's been through so much. Yes, it's best that you hadn't seen one of the responses because it wasn't kind. Not sure why Reality got deleted (the foxtrot bit, I guess smile)

Why did you call the crisis team for her, was she detached from reality? It's hard to see from your post why she needed them. I really hope she can make long term change though, and not contact that man. You are being a very good friend.

JakeBullet Sat 03-Aug-13 15:40:53

I called the Crisis team because I didn't know what else to do, she was just incoherent and had her DD in the house who is only 10. Honest to god this kid was a little star, made her Mum loads of cups of tea and was with her.

The psychotherapist my friend sees was brilliant and the Crisis team came to see her and are gong to give some support at home. Have discussed with my friend that it might be a good idea to ring the local Young Carers team for her DD as she definitely does a lot f support.

Am hoping she has her keys back now...going to phone her n a bit.

JakeBullet Sat 03-Aug-13 15:46:25

I just looked up the deleted poster.....an apologist for violent men it seems. Obviously has an agenda....still, a matter of time before he over steps the mark and is banned I hope.

currentlyconfuseddotcom Sat 03-Aug-13 15:52:41

Actually I saw a post by Homme on another thread and it wasn't pleasant. I think they may be being deliberately inflammatory.

It's brilliant about her DD. Really hope she sees the light and doesn't let this man back into her life. It's a lot for a young daughter to take in though. Really hope you have a nice chat with your friend and things are better for her, you can't do anything more as you are doing so much already.

JakeBullet Sat 03-Aug-13 16:39:51

Agh.....she is considering giving him "a second chance" (or should that be a third chance). He has been over and apologised, lots of talking etc.

Have told her that whatever she decides I will always be here for her.

Might suggest too that she talks to WA about a "Breaking the Cycle" course they do.

This man has real issues ...all tied up with his mother who controls him and had a pretty crappy childhood himself. I can appreciate that and feel sympathy for him....but he has to tackle that for himself just as my friend has to tackle her issues.

Her DD is fortunate enough to have a supportive Dad and sees him every weekend and in the week at times too. I am relieved that there is a stage influence there where she won't be exposed to the cycle of tension and violence etc.

So guessing we are back to the "honeymoon" stage <sigh>.

She hasn't totally agreed to take him back but from her txt to me just now I suspect it is just a matter of time.

Reality Sat 03-Aug-13 16:55:31

I'm sorry, Jake.

It takes, on average, seven tries to successfully leave an abusive partner, according to Womens Aid.

Hang on in there with her.

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