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DP touching me intimately whilst he's awake and I'm asleep- not sure how I feel about it

(118 Posts)
afterahurricanecomesarainbow Fri 02-Aug-13 00:08:00

Have NCed. This is something that's started in the last couple of weeks, DP and I have been together 3 years but separated for a couple of months recently- unrelated to this. He is doing it consciously. He has stopped on the occasions I've asked him to but there have been times I've been half asleep and not really with it. I'm conscious we both want to make this work this time and I don't want to create a huge fuss over nothing if I'm just being very uptight. Not sure if I'm being funny about this or not.

Anniegetyourgun Fri 02-Aug-13 13:13:39

But why should you have to "create a big fuss over nothing"? Surely you just say "I do not like it when you do X, please do not do it again". And he doesn't do it again. No fuss required.

If it doesn't work like that, then you do have a problem, and it isn't that you are uptight.

yabyum Fri 02-Aug-13 15:29:57

He has stopped on the occasions I've asked him to but there have been times I've been half asleep and not really with it.

What happens on the times when you don't ask him to stop OP?

This is really, really serious. Touching someone sexually without their explicit consent is a crime. And all the women on here with partners who do this and who don't mind - ask yourselves what it says about your partners' attitudes to consent that they would risk touching an unconscious person sexually.

GoodTouchBadTouch Fri 02-Aug-13 15:42:11

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

maja00 Fri 02-Aug-13 15:45:31

I you have made it clear that you don't want him to do it ever, and he still does - then yes that is abusive and completely disrespectful of you.

I'd have a proper conversation with him about it when you are both awake and make clear it is not to happen again.

Twinklestein Fri 02-Aug-13 15:49:46

gootouchbadtouch My husband does this, its annoying sometimes, but since you are both trying to make it work, maybe let him at you once or twice?

What?! shock

GoodTouchBadTouch Fri 02-Aug-13 15:51:33

"And all the women on here with partners who do this and who don't mind - ask yourselves what it says about your partners' attitudes to consent that they would risk touching an unconscious person sexually"

Are you implying my husband is some sort of rapist in waiting because he likes surprise sex with his own WIFE? Of course he doesn't worry about risking it! We are married!

Does your husband get you to sign your consent before?

RippingYarns Fri 02-Aug-13 15:55:46

GoodTouch you are a disgrace to your username

Twinklestein Fri 02-Aug-13 15:56:13

GoodTouch with the greatest respect you sound like you're broadcasting from 1890.

5madthings Fri 02-Aug-13 15:56:36

I don't mind this and some people are fine with it.

The op is not and has told him she is not OK with it but he continues to do it, so yes that is sexual assault.

HotCrossPun Fri 02-Aug-13 16:06:49

I hope Badtouch's goady comments aren't going to derail this thread.

OP has had lots of sensible, considered responses. I hope she reads them before deciding what to do.

<hands badtouch a razor for her hairy hands>

GoodTouchBadTouch Fri 02-Aug-13 16:07:38

I think its strange that putting out for the man you are supposed to love is such a dated concept. Perhaps why divorce rates are what they are.

I understand "no means no" but, to say he is supposed to wake her up and ask first is at the very least unromantic.

OP says they are both trying to make an effort, and you lot start telling her she is a victim of abuse. My advice is that she could consider not rejecting him every time.

GoodTouchBadTouch Fri 02-Aug-13 16:09:42

Boring troll references? Yawn

HotCrossPun Fri 02-Aug-13 16:11:26

BadTouch In all seriousness I think you need to examine your own relationship. You have a very skewed concept of what is acceptable/normal in a loving partnership.

Your views about women who have been threatened with rape on twitter are also very worrying.

Does it not tell you something that your views are entirely in the minority here?

coppertop Fri 02-Aug-13 16:12:23

"I understand "no means no" but"

The word "but" should never follow the words "no means no".

5madthings Fri 02-Aug-13 16:12:48

'Putting out' fgs I think most people in a relationship have sex when they both want to. My partner like most men wouldn't want to have sex if I didn't want to/wasn't in the mood. Its hardly going to be enjoyable if one person is just 'putting out' as you put it.

The op isn't saying no to all sex, just no to being touched sexually when she is asleep as she isn't comfortable with that. Any decent man would respect her boundaries, not keep trying it on!

RippingYarns Fri 02-Aug-13 16:13:44

OP, you are asleep when he does this, in a state of unconsciousness.

you are in no way able to give consent

that, i'm sad to say, is assault

already having asked him NOT to do it, and he carries on? he very little respect for you or your opinion and much less for your body.

MrsHoarder Fri 02-Aug-13 16:13:48

Goodtouch you seem to like it. That's fine, and I presume your DH knows you like it. Now imagine there's something sexual you don't like. would you want your DH to do that when you are not in a position to stop him?

The OP needs to trust the man she sleeps besides if the relationship is to work. That requires him to not touch her when she has asked him not to. Its not like there is no other way to rekindle romance.

GoodTouchBadTouch Fri 02-Aug-13 16:14:48

"Your views about women who have been threatened with rape on twitter are also very worrying."

Which views are those? Care to copy and paste?

Hinting that I think rape threats are OK is not very fair without the proof is it? Can I ask you to get your last post removed?

yabyum Fri 02-Aug-13 16:15:27

Are you implying my husband is some sort of rapist in waiting because he likes surprise sex with his own WIFE? Of course he doesn't worry about risking it! We are married!

Actually, yes that is exactly what I'm saying.

Why not try saying 'No' once or twice? See what sort of response you get?

Your husband doesn't own your body. I can't believe that I am even having to say that.

yabyum Fri 02-Aug-13 16:17:39

He is your husband, not a stranger!

A husband has no more rights over your body than a stranger does.

Quite a few women would do well to remember that.

GoodTouchBadTouch Fri 02-Aug-13 16:20:01

Yabyum, we have been married for 10 years, of course I say "no" sometimes. How odd that you think he would hold me down and rape me if I told him to stop.. no wonder femenists get called man haters!

You have a depressing view of the world and Im sorry about that, but as you can see from this thread, being woken this way is pretty standard within plenty of marriages.

HotCrossPun Fri 02-Aug-13 16:21:58

Feel free to ask for my post to be deleted if you think it was inaccurate.

You spouted some nonsense about 'freedom of speech' as if people have a right to threaten to rape women and not be faced with any consequences.

I can't copy and paste on my phone, but if that wasn't you then I apologise.

RippingYarns Fri 02-Aug-13 16:22:42

and what yabyum said

HotCrossPun Fri 02-Aug-13 16:22:49

Your name is quite memorable, especially given your views.

GoodTouchBadTouch Fri 02-Aug-13 16:22:57

MrsHoarder: I suppose OPs husband thought that she meant "no, not tonight" so he was free to try again another day.

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