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Does anyone else's partner.... never stay out later than 9pm??? Aaaagh!!

(76 Posts)
SweetSeraphim Tue 30-Jul-13 21:34:30

I know I am probably BU.

I love him dearly. But he's ALWAYS HERE. He goes out so very rarely, and rushes home as soon as possible to start making noise at me angry

I had the house to myself this evening. For 2 WHOLE HOURS. And I resent him coming home so quickly. I resent never having any length of time alone, I need it. I've tried to explain this to him, but he doesn't seem to understand. He says he does, but he clearly doesn't, or lese he would leave me alone sometimes!

I sound like a right bitch. But it is driving me up the fucking wall.

What do you do with these men? Give me some fucking space will you? Does it sound like too much to ask??

MrsPennyapple Wed 31-Jul-13 09:07:53

I understand how you feel, OP.

My DH does go out, most Saturday nights, but doesn't normally leave the house until 9.30pm. I'm sitting here thinking "haven't you gone yet?" I am pg at the moment, so getting tired earlier and earlier, and right now I can't stay awake much past 10.30, and I'm really missing my few hours alone. Just being in a different room in the house doesn't really fulfil the "alone time" need in me. However, DH does understand my need for solitude, and does what he can to give that to me, which I am very grateful for. It must be difficult when your DH doesn't really get it, it does sound suffocating.

A PP makes a valid point though, do you go out, have hobbies that take you out of the house of an evening? I know you want that "at home" time, but getting out of the house to do something you enjoy might help. In spending a little bit more time apart, you might appreciate your time together more.

oracleselfservice Wed 31-Jul-13 09:40:07

You sound a bit like my ex. He was quite an introvert and liked his own space (to the point of sitting on the other side of the room and ignoring me quite regularly). He didn't like to socialise himself but criticised me for not being out with female friends or at the gym several night a week so he could have his space. All I wanted was to snuggle up with him on the sofa and watch TV after a 13 hour day in a very demanding job.

That was just one way in which he had particular standards for me which somehow didn't apply to him because "men are different". Like me having to always look good / stay thin / be groomed while he never washed and looked like a walking scarecrow. Or like me having to visit his parents every weekend and him never visiting mine. Or like me making the effort with his friends and him not returning the favour.

Fortunately I now have a lovely DH who likes nothing more than to spend every waking minute with me snuggling up eating takeaway and has dealt with my baby weight / lack of toned arms etc. With complete indifference.

If you want time to yourself then do something on your own. But don't criticise him for never going out when you actually want to stay in yourself!

Trust me you could have far worse problems. If he was out every night until 12am leaving you on your own you'd be very unhappy. And a man like this is one who is at least likely to be around to help you with small children rather than buggering off to the pub.

CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 31-Jul-13 09:51:06

This is an interesting one - I've always thought it was a big issue that would make a relationship fundamentally broken.

I don't need alone time. In actual fact, I hate being on my own. I'll tolerate it, but I like having other people around. I especially like having DP around...I can be totally normal then, there's no need to try to impress or play perfect hostess, and I genuinely like him being around.

DP doesn't mind being alone, he's a lot happier in his own company than I am, but he doesn't need alone time. If he did, I'm not sure how well we'd work. We are together 99% of the time - apart from work, we do most things together.

I'd feel hurt and baffled if he suddenly decided I needed to go out on my own more, so that he could have time to himself. When I do go out, or go for a walk, it'd be odd to think that I needed to stay out longer so that he had more time. In the end, it'd breed resentment, I think. He'd resent me for not going out and giving him space, and I'd resent him for not wanting me around, and forcing me to be out doing things.

I don't know if there is a solution to this. It might just be one of those scenarios where you have to weigh up the relationship as a whole, and see if it's worth learning to live without alone time, or if that's just not possible/not worthwhile/will make you miserable.

BenedictCumberbitch Wed 31-Jul-13 10:01:18

Just explain to him that it's what you need & without it, you're starting to feel negatively towards the relationship. I'm sure he'd rather give you space, even if begrudgingly, than you leave for good!

I like coffee's suggestion but the other way around, so you do your own thing one evening a week.

BenedictCumberbitch Wed 31-Jul-13 10:04:23

^ I agree that maybe this is an issue that will end up being the make or break for the relationship.

You clearly need some alone time and feel suffocated without it, and it's not going to get better by itself.

Maybe see what his says to a suggestion of 'one night a week' you somehow work some space in (whilst emphasizing how critical it is for you) and take it from there...

If he can't manage it then maybe you need to reconsider your compatibility?

Have you posted about him before?

There was a previous thread where the OP couldn't even read in bed without her dp sitting watching her, such was his longing to be with her. It sounded dreadful.

Just tell him you would like time alone, it won't get any better unless you speak up, sod his puppy dog eyes.

WhisperingShadow Wed 31-Jul-13 10:32:19

Perhaps he wants time alone in the house, and is annoying you so that you go out!

WhisperingShadow Wed 31-Jul-13 10:50:55

I am a big introvert and love alone time, however I love my husband and being with him is different to being with other people. Perhaps he isn't the 'one'?

I do have stepteens living here and a DD so I just had to get on with it really. I do feel frazzled at times so just gostairs and read.

SweetSeraphim Wed 31-Jul-13 11:33:20

Right, let me address some of these points....

Unexpected - I can't ask him to go out and walk the streets!

Imperial - yes, we have young ish children and also teens. I've just started a fitness plan and do sometimes go out for a walk/run, but he always asks to come with me. I do say no to that though.

Tortoise - exactly. It's time at home in my own space that I crave - I don't particularly want to go out, I want to stay in and just chill in my own house.

Numberlock - I mean, he never shuts up! He just talks at me constantly.

ofmiceandmen - no, we both work full time. And I do go out regularly. I don't think there's any need for the hmm face - I have already said that I feel horrible saying this about him, as I love him very much. He is ideal for me except in this one way. I just don't want to hurt his feelings. So hmm back atcha.

liquidstate <I think very few people understand how introverts work. My heart sinks when DH returns home earlier than expected and I haven't had enough time to recharge. I do love him though.> This sums up how I feel. It doesn't mean I don't love him.

oracle I am aware that there are worse problems! It's just a gripe that I have, nothing more.

Thanks so much everyone else, I honestly really do appreciate all this advice. I'm not a horrible person, honestly, I just resent not being able to recharge by being alone. As we have dc between us (none together), there is little time to do so, and when he goes out for a couple of hours and comes back ridiculously early, it annoys me. He says he misses me, which is lovely - but I don't get the chance to miss him!

Caster8 Wed 31-Jul-13 11:44:35

I dont know why some people do this. My DD broke with a boyfriend because of this. If she was at a party and went to another room, he would go too!

is he scared when you are not there?
And you didnt answer a couple of my questions upthread. Not that you have to.

SweetSeraphim Wed 31-Jul-13 12:13:08

So sorry caster I'm at work and trying to sneakily read blush

Let me read properly and catch up with your questions!

SweetSeraphim Wed 31-Jul-13 12:31:41

Right.

No, he's not my husband, we're living over the brush wink

We have children - I have 2 and he has 2 that we have half the week.

His dad has sadly passed away, and his Mum is very independent and always off on a jaunt somewhere with her friends. I don't know what they were like together, as his dad had passed away before we met. But I do know that he spent a lot of time in his shed!

He was married for 12 years before we got together. He has always said to me that exw wanted to spend every waking moment together and he never got any time by himself as she accused him of neglecting her - which makes it even odder that he can't seem to see things from my pov!

Caster8 Wed 31-Jul-13 12:53:05

Got to go out myself shortly.
Will try and unravel your DP later.

peggyundercrackers Wed 31-Jul-13 13:30:23

instead of trying to force him to go out why dont you go out? when you want him to go out where do you expect him to go? where ever it is you expect him to go why dont you go and leave him in the house?

SweetSeraphim Wed 31-Jul-13 13:54:53

I don't try and force him to go out confused

I just don't understand why he never wants to! And on the very rare occasion that he does go out, he never stays out later than 9pm.... I just find it odd and a bit stifling.

Numberlock Wed 31-Jul-13 13:57:03

I resent never having any length of time alone, I need it

OP you need to work out what the issue is:

- is it that you don't get time on your own, in which case this is easily solved as you can go out any time without him to re-charge

OR

- is it that you don't get any time at home alone, in which case this is more difficult for all the reasons given above about asking him to leave for a set amount of time once/twice a week.

To me it sounds like you're not fundamentally compatible...

eurochick Wed 31-Jul-13 14:09:38

I completely understand this, OP. I love my husband dearly, but I wish he was less of a homebody so I could have some time indoors by myself. He gets loads of time in by himself - when I am out seeing friends (a couple of nights a week), when I'm at the gym, when I travel for work or work late. I can probably count on one hand the evenings I had had the house to myself since we moved in together 5 years ago. We even converted the spare room into a den for him so he could shuffle off there and leave me in the living room occasionally as a sort of substitute for having the house to myself occasionally, but he rarely uses it. Stifling is exactly the right word.

He's not generally clingy - if we go out together he doesn't stick to me like glue. He's just not very sociable and so doesn't see friends often. I get plenty of time without him (we both work full time and have the other times I have mentioned apart) but I really miss being indoors by myself. If I'm completely honest I was happiest living alone. I'm very jealous of the arrangement HBC and Tim Burton have - they each live in a house that ajoins the other's. I reckon that's pretty much perfect.

WeGotTheKrunk Wed 31-Jul-13 14:19:37

I just don't understand why he never wants to!

OP I could have written your post myself, my P never goes out either! While most of the time I think it's a good thing, it does sometimes mean that he's a bit needy (i.e. having very little social contact with anybody other than me - means he's reliant on me for everything). On the whole his antisocial introvert tendencies make us a good fit, although I am quite a bit more sociable than he is.

But there are times when I wish he'd take the initiative, make friends, or join a club, or something. If nothing else it would give him more to talk about!!

I was over the moon when he got a job that took him out of the house during the days, and into an environment when he was working with other people all day. It got him out of his own thoughts a bit, and I thought it was a good thing for him. Before that he used to work from home and literally days would go by where I was the only person he ever spoke to. This is a lot of responsibility for one person and there were days when it used to drive me up the wall.

He wouldn't go out and see anybody ever when he used to work at home. I'd always try to encourage him to get out of the house, and he'd say "No, I'm fine as I am." Of course he was fine!! He wasn't the one taking the undammed battering of verboseness ten minutes after getting in from work!!! (literally - he used to follow me from room to room telling me things when all I wanted was a quiet five minutes to myself...)

So I understand your feelings OP. I've been there, but haven't really got any good suggestions...

Southeastdweller Wed 31-Jul-13 14:28:41

Gosh, this is very familiar. I know it's not quite the same but my live-in-landlord does nothing apart from work and the occasional gym session which pretty much means he's always there in the evenings and weekends. I've even been using up some of my annual leave just to get the place to myself and have some decompressing time. It's utterly essential for some introverts to have time to themselves (and for some of this time to be indoors with that door shut!) and I fully understand the frustration and resentment - I'm moving out in September. It's a more complicated situation in your case but I agree with Youstay about talking it through and soon otherwise the resentment will fester. Tbh, I agree with those who've said that you and him may be incompatible.

I don't recall you saying he's a lack of friends but I'm wondering if this is the case?

SweetSeraphim Wed 31-Jul-13 14:34:10

He has a core group of really good friends, and a sport that takes him out once a week for 4 hours at the weekend. But he never stays out a minute later than he needs to, never goes for a drink after the game, never goes to social events, or stays if there's food provided..... He just always wants to get straight home.

I do enjoy his company, you know. It's not like I hate spending time with him, as much as some posters on this thread might like to imply that. I just crave time by myself, in silence, with the tv off and no talking!

SweetSeraphim Wed 31-Jul-13 14:36:46

And I'm the same Krunk - when I've been working all day, or in the 10 minutes after the kids have gone up, I just want to 'be'. But then I feel like he's demanding my company.

After work, and kids and housework etc, I just sometimes feel like it's just yet another demand on my time. Does that make sense?

SweetSeraphim Wed 31-Jul-13 14:38:02

eurochick - I have great envy for Tim Burton and Helen B-C - I think that's partly why their marriage has lasted so well.

woozlebear Wed 31-Jul-13 14:47:38

I am a big introvert and love alone time, however I love my husband and being with him is different to being with other people.

Totally second this. I am extreeeeeemely introverted, but my DH doesn't somehow 'count' as social interaction that I find draining and need a break from. And besides, we spend a fair amount of time pottering about in different rooms, or sitting together but not talking.

People do have very different instinctive ideas about these sorts of dynamics in a relationship. I had an ex who would announce very formally every week or so that he needed an evening by himself and we'd have to schedule that in. And then sometimes when we were together he'd complain that I was sitting reading and ignoring him. It was very all or nothing, whereas my default setting is to have lots of low-key interaction with my partner , rather than 'together time' and 'apart time'.

Potteresque97 Wed 31-Jul-13 14:49:34

Ooooh I so get this, especially about it being another demand. DH has no friends apart from me but luckily his job takes him away on trips and to dinners that run late. Why don't you frame it as saying how you are not like his ex, and he can do spontaneous things now like stay out a few hours more etc and that you have hobbies you like to do at home that are solitary? He may get the message better that way. DH gets very hurt if I try and indicate I want to be on my own.

Angelico Wed 31-Jul-13 14:52:53

I understand your pain OP as an ex-BF was like that. It got to the stage I would feel panicky when he was coming for the weekend because I felt completely suffocated when he was there. We broke up needless to say.

When I met DH the first time I stayed for a weekend I blurted out that I needed some 'me' time to just read a book. He got it straight away as he needs some 'him' time too. It might just be that you are different types of people?

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