Happily married but considering abortion

[confused75]

I found out i was pregnant last week. I think I am probably about the five week mark.

I was initially in shock but as the week has gone on, I feel increasing negative about the pregnancy.

I am in my late thirties and have never been especially maternal and my hubby is around the same age. We both work a lot, we aren't rich but we do enjoy traveling and our current freedom.

I am really surprised at how negative my reaction has been. If I had known how strong my reaction was I would have taken more precautions.

I also feel incredibly selfish that I would be considering abortion when I really have a wonderful husband who will support me through anything. We both agree that if we went through with the abortion it would also be an agreement to remain child free. This thought doesn't scare me too much but maybe it is my nerves and fears taking over,

I feel like a freak of nature! Has anyone else had any similar experiences or advice?

[Warbride]

If that's how you feel now then when that child comes along it wouldn't be fair. However, it has been known to change a person completely the other way. I have known at least 2 examples of this. If you are going to do it however go and see your GP asap.

[ChippingInHopHopHop]

I don't know how any of us can help you with this decision :(

I would be hesitant to make any agreement with DH about remaining child free if you have a termination though, as you don't know how you will feel afterwards.

You say the thought of remaining child free 'doesn't scare you too much' which indicates to me that you are not entirely sure it's what you want...

Unfortunately when you are already pregnant your hormones are zapping around like mad things and even people who have been actively trying to get pregnant can get scared and feel like they're making a huge mistake, so I wouldn't actually put too much store in how you feel 'right now' and think back to how you felt before this - what did you think your future held? How did you feel about having children?

[confused75]

Thanks for the replies. I m trying to keep a clear mind but I keep gravitating to the negative things, how my life will change.

I've never been very maternal but I did think I would be happy if I got pregnant. In the last year I felt increasing comfortable being childfree, as my friends and family have had children I have always been happy for them. I changed from wondering if it would ever happen to us, to appreciating our freedom.

I think because this pregnancy was a quite "passive" decision rather than an active "I want a baby" maybe it has been more a shock to the system.

so confused, but very glad to be trying to figure things out

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I sympathise. When I discovered I was pg mid-thirties I was single, had a career, travelled, was happy with childless, partnerless status and - to put the tin lid on it - the father was someone very unsuitable. The shock and dread you're describing lasted a long time and all I could think about were the downsides... the expense, the loss of freedom, the difficulty doing my job, the family disapproval, no support etc. Gravitating to the negative, as you say. It was the first hospital appointment and hearing a heart-beat that gave me a bit of hope and, whatever you decide, I'm just glad you're taking a bit of time to think.

[chocolatecakeystuff]

Be very very careful, you've got a few weeks to think it through.

I never thought I wanted any more children, so when I fell pregnant late last year I made the choice to terminate the pregnancy.
Termination caused damage & as a result I'm now sterile. What I thought I wanted right? No, not only do I wake up every morning grieving for the baby that I chose to abort, which feels wrong because I have no right to grieve. But it kills that I've lost the chance to have any more children.

Obviously this can't be the case for everyone, but just don't make a choice on your shock reaction tbat you might regret. Sometimes you only get one chance.

[yummymumtobe]

It is a struggle for you and I totally understand. I found out I was pregnant with no 2 and was devastated. I am 8 months gone now and still feeling weird about the new baby coming! I went through with it in the end as i convinced myself that i would want a sibling for dd eventually as was worried that if i got rid of the baby I could end up never being able to get pregnant again as some sort of punishment.

You feel you don't want children and there is nothing wrong with that. Some people genuinely don't. Lots of people will say you should go ahead as you'll change your mind when the baby arrives etc. But that might not be the case. I know a few people who genuinely don't want children or are older and never had children and who never wanted them because of work, travel etc. I work at a charity where there are several older women without children as they spend a lot of time travelling to develop

[yummymumtobe]

Posted too soon!

Travelling to developing countries and working in projects and having a family would mean they couldn't fulfill their vocation easily and they feel more strongly about the projects they help.

You have time to think. Make sure you discuss it with partner properly - you don't want him to suddenly think that he should have had a family on a few years. You need to e really honest.

Good luck with your decision.

[confused75]

Thank you so much for sharing such personal experiences to help me. I really appreciate it so much.

I am lucky my hubbie is very open and understanding so we are planning on talking over the weekend and see where our thoughts settle.

[pointythings]

The only thing I can add is that when I was pg with my very much wanted DD1, I had negative thoughts too, all focusing on the things I wouldn't be able to do any more.

Many of those things turned out to be still possible, others were replaced with new things I found I wanted to do.

I'm just really glad you and your DH are talking about this honestly and openly, it will help you come to a decision that truly belongs to both of you.

[Twinklestein]

This happened to a friend of mine who thought she couldn't get pregnant (had been told by doctors she was infertile).

Career woman, set up her own company, got married, then shit, she got pregnant by some fluke of nature. Felt like her life was over, how was she going to deal with her company etc.

She nearly terminated, and had major ante-natal therapy. Wasn't sure she'd done the right thing keeping it.

But she is a very, very happy proud mum to a beautiful girl.

Works 3 days a week, has childcare etc.

Sometimes life turns up cards you don't expect to deal with, it doesn't have to be a negative.

Everyone's different, but I thought I'd share...

[sandiy]

I did nt want my last pregnancy.It was the last thing in the world I wanted I just could nt cope with another baby I used to lay in bed at night praying for a miscarriage My husband was thrilled that I was pregnant I felt really trapped.I spent the whole pregnancy going through the motions pretending to be happy about it.I did nt want this baby at all if I had never have seen him I would nt have missed it.BUT I was induced at 42 weeks and pushed out a long skinny man child He hit my tummy hot and wet and that second literally I fell in love with him even now I can't describe it.It was primal He is the best mistake I've ever made I adore him so what I'm saying is pregnancy is a strange business.Give it some serious thought feelings change.

[Notsoyummymummy1]

Can I ask one question - imagine you are very old and lying in hospital and facing the end of your life - who do you want or envisage standing at your bedside?

[eurozammo]

Being childfree is great, if that is what you want. Spend some time thinking over the decision though. A pregnancy is always a shock and it is easy to focus on the stuff you will be giving up (travel). I've seen people on the conception boards who have ttc'd for years and even had IVF have an "argh what have I done?" moment when they get to the BFP.

[Eglute]

What I'd say... Everything happens for a reason...

[Eglute]

But you can travel and do things with kids. I've been everywhere, seen so many things, experienced so many beautiful moments in my life.. I got accidentally pregnant quite young. I wasn't ready to become a mum but yet I had the most beautiful baby boy in the world. My seconded baby was planned. I'm not very maternal myself. And it can be had at times ( I'm single mum now) but it is so rewarding.. I saw by daughters's note in her book 'thank god for mum' that has made me cry.. That is the most beautiful thing that has ever been said about me.. And you can travel, you can go to music festivals etc with kids. And you might learn so many new things about yourself as well..

I do not want to sound pushy or anything. I'm just sharing my experience. And my life thought me that friends, husbands, lovers.. They come and go.. Kids always stay.. Best of luck with whatever you decide to do :)

[Eglute]

Taught me not thought me :) and also hard not had.. Sorry for my mistyping and maybe not perfect English. It's not my first language..

[confused75]

I just can't imagine going through with a pregnancy with this level of doubt, Im hoping my thoughts will settle somewhere.

It is reassuring to know I am not alone in having these thoughts. Although time is of the essence in this situation, thanks for the advice to give myself some time.

In answer to notsoyummymummy1, i guess I don't really ever think about that. I am quite shy/introvert by nature and I hate having to depend on people and I think this would be the same at the end of my life. I don't know, having a child is not a guarantee to having someone with you at the end.

So much to think about

[chezchaos]

As others have said, hormones during pregnancy can be massively unsettling. I planned my very much wanted DC but still had serious doubts in the early weeks of pregnancy. Hope this weekend gives you and your DH the chance to consider whether this is something you really want.

[Viviennemary]

Nobody can really advise you what the best decision is for you. Only you know that. All I can say is that in many years time do you think there will be regret that you chose this. A lot of people have doubts they will be able to cope with a baby and all the changes it brings. But muddle through somehow.

[threefeethighandrising]

When making your decision, I think you need to recognise that you can't go back to not having got pregnant. Termination is not the same as "undoing" your pregnancy.

I have terminated a pregnancy (in very different circumstances to yours) and also have two DCs.

I had no doubt that terminating was the least bad option for me, but even so it fundamentally changed how I felt about myself as a person. Not everyone feels such guilt, and you may not. I'm not saying you shouldn't do it, that is only your choice to make, but that you need to factor in that terminating is a head fuck for many. You can't go back to never having been pregnant.

Having said that I wouldn't change the choice I made. Is it the right thing for you? I can't say.

I expect if you have a child it's unlikely you'll regret it. People almost never do, once they meet their DCs. Is the child-free life you'd have, having never met your child a "better" one, so much so that it's worth terminating? I have no idea, only you can answer that, and even then there's no way of knowing for sure, either way.

I hope that's helpful.

[BabiesAreLikeBuses]

I'd really recommend you get some counselling - you could call bpas for a starter. Either way this is going to be tough to deal with, you need to resolve how you feel pre decision. Up to 9 weeks it's a simple procedure so you do have time. I really think it's worth working out why you feel negative about it before you make any decisions as you'll have to cope with the decision forever and i know that that's not easy.

[DistanceCall]

I don't think a child who is not actively wanted should be brought into the world. It doesn't sound like having a child was a strong desire for you.

If you don't want to have children, there is nothing wrong with that. And there is no shame in having an abortion.

[DistanceCall]

And having a child because you don't want to be alone when you die is not a good enough reason. Childless people don't all die alone, you know - we do get to love and be loved by other people (other than our partners).

[scarlettsmummy2]

I would keep it if I was in your situation again, I have been there in the sense my first baby wasn't planned, I am not naturally maternal and I had a great job with the benefits of lots of disposable income, and it was the best decision I ever made. Yes, you do lose your freedom, however you just do different things. They may not be as glamorous or whatever, but equally rewarding in other ways.

[MorrisZapp]

For many women, having a termination isn't a huge deal. I had one, because it was best for me at the time. I've forgotten it now.

These threads always lean towards encouraging women to see all the positives of motherhood and all the negatives of termination. That's fine, obviously that reflects the fact this is a forum largely for mothers.

But you know what you want. Personally, I think following through with an unwanted or very ambivalent pregnancy because things always work out in the end is a huge gamble.

I have a child now, my life has changed utterly, and if I knew then what I know now I would very likely have made different choices. You don't have to be a mother. You are allowed to just keep your nice life as it is, if you are a loving person then you will always get love back, hopefully on your death bed too.