Ex-boyfriend from years ago keeps trying to get in touch

[MrsBertMacklin]

I'd like to see what people think to do for the best about this.

Over the past ten years or so, one of my very first boyfriends has regularly tried to reestablish contact.

I finished things with him for a few reasons, the big one being that he had low moods quite frequently and turned into a brick wall with me when these occurred. He also used to seek solace with a female friend, rather than confiding in me. I was only 18 at the time we started dating, he is ten years older. We dated for 2 years, until I had enough of trying to tear the walls down and decided to get out of it.

When he realised things were coming to an end, he walked out of the room/pub etc. whenever I tried to discuss things, so I ended up breaking up with him quite bluntly, but sent him a letter shortly afterwards explaining why I was finishing with him.

For the first five years or so after this, he regularly sent me letters or turned up at my home, asking to talk, he missed me, etc. I responded to the first request to meet and at said meeting, he seemed to think that I'd taken him back. So I put paid to that idea and broke all contact with him thereafter. The letters, presents and visits kept occurring. Post was returned to sender, flatmates dispatched to the front door to tell him I wouldn't be seeing him. I moved after a time, so he then started posting things to my parents' house instead.

In the last five years, contact has got less frequent, but he still writes to me via my parents twice a year, still wanting to get back together.

I am still ignoring his contact attempts, as I read somewhere that if you ignore 99 attempts to get in touch but respond to the 100th, you just teach the person that they have to make 100 attempts before they get a response?

What has changed, is that he has somehow now found out my home address; a letter was in this morning's post.

I am thinking of sending a typed, recorded delivery back to him to the effect of:
---
I have received your correspondence, enclosed herein.

I have no wish to see you or to discuss any issues with you.

You have made several attempts to contact me in the last ten years which have been ignored for this reason.

Any further attempt to contact me will be construed as harrassment and reported to the police.

Do not contact me again.
---
DP thinks I'm being too hard and should write to tell him to go away, but to also say something to make him understand he's chasing a ghost, i.e. I'm not remotely the same person I was in my late teens.

Personally, I think the blunt response is my best course of action. I could perhaps understand the contact attempts if I'd just walked out with no explanation, but FFS it's been over ten years and he knows exactly why I ended things.

What do you think?

[Ezio]

Just ignore it, you have no reason to contact him.

[ricecakesrule]

I watched a thing on stalkers the other night so may be overreacting.... but I do think you should send a recorded delivery letter requesting no further contact and possibly flag this with the police? Concerns me the amount of time this has been going on and also that somehow he's got your home address. Does he live nearby?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think you should alert the police first. Not 999 but certainly their non-emergency number. Report everything that's happened and then take their advice on your letter.

[BreasticlesNTesticles]

Return as "Not Known at this Address"?

[ricecakesrule]

Do you have any friends who are lawyers and would lend you a bit of their letter headed paper to send the letter on? I don't know if the police do things like send letters before action to people, but a warning letter from them could work too. Knowing he's got your home address I would be worried about just not responding in case he turns up 'to check you got the letter'.

[WeGotTheKrunk]

I wouldn't even send a typed response. I'd go and see the police / a solicitor now - a solicitors' letter / visit from the police might well do the trick in getting him to leave you alone.

This guy basically sounds like a low-grade stalker. Hanging on to expectations that you can have a relationship again after all this time - when you've given him no encouragement at all? It's weird. And with all due respect to your DP, you can't expect somebody with twisted ideas about respect / relationships (even if you did hold a candle for somebody for a long time, a normal person would have the respect to leave them alone after being asked, ffs) to genuinely understand a polite letter asking them to leave you alone. In his mind he'd take that as encouragement - like the time when you met up with him 10 years ago and he thought you'd taken him back.

The idea of going to the police might sound a bit dramatic, and maybe it is - all I'm thinking is that this kind of behaviour can easily escalate, and you don't want him to start turning up at your house, etc, which he could easily do now he knows where you live. Do you think it's likely that he'd do this?

[MrsBertMacklin]

I have no idea how he's got my home address. I opted out of the electoral register thing that makes your address public, my dad hasn't given it to him and I'm ex-directory.

In the same way that he doesn't know me now, I don't know what kind of person he is now, so I don't know for sure how likely it it that he'll turn up at my home. At one point (sorry forgot to mention this in my OP) five years ago, he moved two streets away from my parents, well away from where he was living previously. He never exhibited any red-flag behaviour when we were dating, he was in fact, the opposite of needy or controlling; but who knows what's happened in his life or how he's evolved? As Krunk's mentioned the fact that he's fixated on me after more than ten years, is worrying in itself. I'm still more irritated than worried, though!

Yes, the reason I don't want to ignore, is because he now has my home address, as ricecakes has said. I think the advice to talk to the police is wise, I'm going to pop into my local station tomorrow.

[ImTooHecsyForYourParty]

I would respond with a solicitors letter saying that this constituted harrassment and stalking and any further contact would be reported to the police with a view to pressing charges.

Honestly. Ten years?
The bloke is a freak.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

" he had low moods quite frequently and turned into a brick wall with me when these occurred. He also used to seek solace with a female friend, rather than confiding in me."

In other words he sulked and preferred to make you jealous. If you're looking for red flags, that kind of emotionally bullying behaviour is right up there.

[JsOtherHalf]

Worth checking something like the network for surviving stalking? www.nss.org.uk/

[Hashtagwhatever]

I favour your recorded delivery idea.

He sounds a bit unhinged. There is persistence but thats a step to far

[EhricLovesTeamQhuay]

Police. Stalking is illegal.

[mittensthekitten]

He sounds like a psychopath.

[LemonPeculiarJones]

Police. It's gone on for years. It must add a shade of unease to your life. Why tolerate it?

To hang on and stalk you like this shows he is delusional and only interested in his own warped thinking.

Don't be 'kind', you need official channels now.

[thistlelicker]

How did u get on op?

[BOF]

Get advice from the police. It may be best to continue to ignore him, but you need help from people who know how best to deal with obsessive stalkers.

[Bogeyface]

Do not respond yourself. Anything that says "I" or "me" creates a connection (in his mind) between you.

A letter from a solicitor telling him that you will seek a Harassment Act Injuction "on behalf of my client Ms.MAcklin" doesnt create that connection. The same with a visit from the police, its one part removed.

This may help www.stalkinghelpline.org/faq/about-the-law/

[BOF]

And yes, DO NOT GET INTO CORRESPONDENCE at this point- you need expert advice.

[Mimishimi]

I'd inform the police actually with exactly what you have told us. It might not even be lowgrade stalking for all you know. I'm not sure how they could help though. One of my housemates (who seemed sane when we interviewed possible candidates after having to throw out another housemate for his messiness) stalked one of my friends and even though we got an AVO against him, he continued until he was expelled from the university for jumping out from behind a pillar and raising a knife to her.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Definitely go to the police. You owe this man nothing and he has no right to pester you. He's been stalking you for 10 years, with no response or reciprocation for you.

After 10 years of him being a low-level pest rather than frightening, it's probably safe to say that he is not actually planning to burn your house down or abduct and dismember you. However, you still shouldn't have to put up with low-level pestering. He should get an official police warning and if that doesn't work, he should be locked up.

[ComradeJing]

Read The Gift of Fear before you do ANYTHING. Honestly it's a brilliant book and gives great, professional advice about this exact situation.