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Am I being too hard on DP

(96 Posts)
HappyandSad Sun 21-Jul-13 18:26:48

Hi ,
Just looking for some advice. I have one DC aged 4 months. I am on Mat leave and my DP works full time 9-5. I dont live near any family (moved to be with DP)and am not the best at making friends in my old(ish) age. I have a few things that are annoying me and I dont know if IABU or not so please tell me how you see it.
1. DP used to put DC to sleep on week nights and I would get to bed early so I would get a few hours in before night feed ( DC still does atleast 1 night feed sometimes 2) but recently he only does it maybe once a week because he says I am better at getting DC to sleep.
2. He wont give DC a bath as again he is not as good as me, I have tried to show him how but he just acts stupid and doesn't hold DC right and for some reason DC freaks out when he does it.
3. He goes out twice a week and has done since DC was born , I asked him this weekend not to go as I was feeling a bit down and missing human contact but he just started a fight with me and went out.
4. Any time I have been upset or crying because I am finding lack of sleep and demands hard on me he doesn't comfort me.
5.When he gets home from work he just throws his clothes on the floor and expects me to pick them up. I have tried leaving them there and tidying around them but he will leave them there forever. I do all his washing and ironing so I guess it is for me to pick up?
6. I do all of the housework except maybe he will wash the dishes one of the days on a weekend.
7. Friday nights are supposed to be for me to get a full nights sleep and he looks after DC but last two weeks he has been too tired.

Should he help out a little around the house? When I complain he points out he works full time.
I just want some time for myself once every month just 2-3 hours and when I ask for this he gets pissy. Am I wrong? Again he points out he works full time and needs time for himself.
I feel isolated, lonely and a little like what I am doing at home looking after DC counts for nothing. (Just like to point out I have a very beautiful, happy , loving baby who does suffer from some reflux)
So am I being too hard if I tell him he needs to support me more?
I have spoken to mum about this and she says he needs to help more and has asked me if maybe I am a bit depressed.
Sorry its so long and a bit all over the place.

motherinferior Sun 21-Jul-13 18:28:34

He sounds horrible.

Hawkmoth Sun 21-Jul-13 18:33:30

1-7 He's being selfish and bordering on cruel.

What you do 9-5 is equally importantly to his job. The rest you should share.

He should WANT to be involved, he should UNDERSTAND that you need a break.

Doha Sun 21-Jul-13 18:36:38

Could you point out that you "work" full time too..infact more than full time looking after the house and DC without a break.
He needs to man up and be a partner to you and a dad to your DC.

I would be downing tools and looking after yourself and your DC if he wont help. No cooking laundry etc until he pulls his weight nad shares some responsibility.

How is he coping with fatherhood in general? IS he finding it tough? Does he spend time with the DC at all? Or is he just a self centered twat?

HappyandSad Sun 21-Jul-13 18:36:44

I should have said he does play with baby and loves him very much .

AuntyPippaAndUncleHarry Sun 21-Jul-13 18:37:13

IMHO he should be doing more with DC and more to support you on a practical level (washing up, bathing baby etc) as well as emotionally. Having a new baby is really hard work and does put a different dynamic on a relationship. The baby's needs impact on both of you. Try and talk to him, and see if you could split things more evenly. On a separate note, if you are feeling isolated and not yourself maybe speak to your HV or GP about post-natal depression. Good luck to you. Babies do get easier (or so everyone tells me!)

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sun 21-Jul-13 18:39:37

He is an arse.

My DH works long hours, he is out of the house for 12+ hours a day. He does 50% of the childcare when he isn't at work, and he takes a share in the housework, cooking and general running of the home.

I do more than him, but I am here all the time, and we try to keep weekends clear for family time, days out and general relaxation.

HappyandSad Sun 21-Jul-13 18:39:44

I have pointed out that I work full time all day and all night but he doesn't seem to think that's as hard as his job. He really is great with DC but not good at the practical things like helping me.

misskatamari Sun 21-Jul-13 18:40:45

He definitely needs to support you more. It's awful that he has agreed to doing things to help you (bed and bath, Friday nights etc) and then doesn't do it. Dropping his clothes is disrespectful - he is a grown man and you are his wife not his skivvy!

You need to have a sit down with him and calmly explain what you need him to help with. He needs to understand that just because you don't do out to work you aren't busy. The household is a joint responsibility and he should be working with you to build a happy family unit. In terms of bath time and bed time he needs to get over the excuse of "you do it better" - practice make perfect. I would be mindful when going over routines etc with him to avoid criticising that he is doing things "wrong" just because it might be different to how you do it as that could be very disheartening as it feels crap to be criticised (I'm not saying you do this but I know some people get annoyed that their partner doesn't do things "right" or up to their standards and obviously that can lead to bad feelings and resentment etc).

It is perfectly reasonable for you to need some time to yourself and it is plain selfish of him to try and deny you that. He needs to realise he is a father now and that his responsibility is to his family - that means taking equal responsibility for his child and supporting his wife!

Good luck with him, he needs a kick up the arse!

HappyandSad Sun 21-Jul-13 18:41:24

I am worried that if I admit I am feeling a bit low I will be viewed as a bad mother.

motherinferior Sun 21-Jul-13 18:43:58

Well actually you're low because he's a crap father.

Go out for the day and leave him with the baby. You'll return to chaos but it might make him more appreciative. He loves the baby so much I'm sure he'll be delighted to prove that he's more than just a fair-weather father... smile

motherinferior Sun 21-Jul-13 18:45:47

And do stop picking up and washing his stuff. Really not your problem.

Moxiegirl Sun 21-Jul-13 18:46:02

I work f/t and dp is a sahd. He does more than me because he is here, but we both get to go out regularly and when I'm at home we share the childcare.
Your dp sounds very selfish sad

HappyandSad Sun 21-Jul-13 18:48:08

Tallwivglasses I was half thinking of doing that today I was so fed up bur think I'd miss my DC of I went out for a whole day.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Sun 21-Jul-13 18:52:10

A bloke writes: 9-5? NINE TO FUCKING FIVE? He's a part-timer. When DD was born I worked 11 days out of 14, 10-15 hours a day (or night) and I lived for the chance to do bathtime. And winding, and nappies, and taking her in the pram so DW could sleep. Because I had wanted to be a Dad, and being Dad meant being an adult. Oh, and babies love whoever plays with them.

Now she's nearly grown DW & I are getting childish again. Motorbikes! Heavy drinking! DTD in the afternoon!

He wants that stuff back, he'll have to wait like everybody else.

HappyandSad Sun 21-Jul-13 19:04:24

Good to get a males pov, thanks . I have tried to explain all this to him but he always manages to twist the conversation around and making me feel sorry for him .

ImperialBlether Sun 21-Jul-13 19:06:21

Maybe now's the time to remind him that if he doesn't step up to the plate then he'll be a weekend father. He behaves disgustingly to you, just throwing his things around and expecting you to pick them up. That is so disrespectful.

Earthworms Sun 21-Jul-13 19:15:59

He's a nob.

I work ft. Dh is at home. When i get in from work ( at 7pm 12 hrs inc commute) i pitch in and we both sort the backlog of jobs till they are done. Then we both sit down.
There are some jobs he hates and wont do. Hoovering, for instance or cleaning the bath, I will touch neither the dishwasher or washing machine smile fairs fair. Tho I might cook if I'm feeling generous hungry

Only when it's all done and small children settled do I piss off out for some me time. Exercise in my case. And only if he is happy to hold the fort. Not if anyone's ill or anything.

Point being, running the house is everyone's job. Regardless of whal you also happen to contribute financially.

OxfordBags Sun 21-Jul-13 19:17:18

OP, ask him this: if what you do 24-7 is so easy, especially compared to his paid job, then how come he finds it so fucking difficult? How come it's too much for him? He can't have it both ways; it can't be too hard when he does it, but a piece of piss that's not real work when you do it. It's either easy for both of you, which means he should be doing a lot more OR it's hard for both of you, which means that if he loves and respects you and his child, then he should want to shoulder the burden.

He is absolutely taking the fucking piss. He should be doing 50-50 once he comes home from work.

Incidentally, I am not of the 'leave him alone with the Dc for a day whilst you go out, that'll teach him' school. As you say, you'd just miss him too much, but also, a young baby who is with you virtually all the time is going to be freaked out and upset by being away from you for ages. And it doesn't really solve anything; he should WANT to help you, not have stunts pulled to try to shock him into reaching adulthood.

CottonWoolCandy Sun 21-Jul-13 19:31:47

he should WANT to help you
this

You are not being too hard on him. He is being an arse. Nip it in the bud right now because it will only get worse. Don't listen to any excuses about his tiredness, about the baby being more settled with you, about him being better when baby is older, etc, etc. They are all excuses.
I don't know if you're depressed or not, but you will be exhausted and you don't need the stress of trying to cajole your dp into playing his part. Think about how you would be treating him if the roles were reversed.
It's so hard when the dcs are tiny - take all the support your dm can offer but don't view her as a substitute for your dp pulling his weight.

Ifcatshadthumbs Sun 21-Jul-13 19:38:30

DH worked 6 days this week I am a SAHM both my children are now at school. so far today I had a lie in, dh got up with the dc's. DH went to bed for a nap this afternoon I entertained the boys and did a bit of cleaning. DH made the dc's dinner and is now putting ds2 to bed whilst I do our dinner.

HappyandSad Sun 21-Jul-13 19:52:32

Unfortunately my mom can only offer me support over the phone since we are in different countries , I wish she lives down the roadsad

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Sun 21-Jul-13 19:59:18

Please do keep your work after your mat leave. He is not behaving well now, I would dread your lot if you were financially dependent on him.

Get out and make friends. You need a contact network and support, if nay someone to e for tea. It does take time, but it is worth trying. Any chance of meeting parents from your country? Sometimes being of the same nationality, hobby, etc speeds up the friendship.

AnotherStitchInTime Sun 21-Jul-13 20:03:13

No you are not being hard enough. He is a selfish arse.

DH had a rare weekend off this weekend after weeks of 6 day working plus overtime so 10 hour days in a very physical outdoor job. Yesterday he cooked dinner and washed up and played with the kids while I napped. Today he took the kids out for 3 hours so I could have some 'me' time. Even on the 6 day weeks he cooked on his day off and gave me a lie in if dd2 had a bad night.

Put all the dirty clothes he leaves on the floor in a black bag, do not wash them. If they don't make it to the wash basket they don't get washed. If he runs out of boxers then tough. You are not his skivvy.

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