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so I have finally had enough, please tell me I am not BU

(145 Posts)
clodhopper13 Sun 21-Jul-13 11:05:19

Last night I ended my relationship of almost 3 years. I had had a few glasses of wine, but that did not create the feelings that came bursting out.Those feeling have been there for a long long time

I met my now xp after the breakdown of a horrible marriage. I loved him (still do) like I have never loved anyone and felt so happy.

he moved in with me and my kids about 2 years ago, and I became fully responsible for him financially. He has never paid a penny to me for the house nor bills and as he has no income whatsoever, all personal expenditure has also become my responsibility. I just cant do it any more. I have a very well paid job but am in debt and I cant see this situation ever changing. He does some childcare for me , for 1/2 hour most mornings and a couple of hours 2-3 x a week in the afternoons. We have cleaner.

He is trying/ has tried various schemes to make money which involve plans that never work out. He has done some renovation in the house for me - but this has taken two years and is not finished yet. when it is finished ( unlikely now) it will add £20K to the value of the house.

I basically think he is too comfortable and he has said he does want to earn, but not if it means making himself unhappy. I just see me getting deeper into debt, or denying myself any pleasures to make my salary stretch to two.

I was kind of managing with this but I have realised that it will not change. He has been like this for years and found people to support him. I can see that I will have to work for many years and never be able to retire or work part time; I have built up a pension pot and would like to be able to slow down sometime. I am a lawyer and although I love my job its very stressful and I don't want to (have to) work for ever.

Also, our sex life, which was amazing - joyful and intimate has dwindled over the last year to once a month or less. I cant explain how rejected unhappy and unattractive this makes me feel.

so I lost my temper last night and told him to go. He has gone, although he has nowhere to go and no income. I feel desperately upset and have cried all night. But I just cant see a resolution, and I cannot go on like this.....

have I been unreasonable?

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sun 21-Jul-13 13:11:34

Money is not important to me. I don't really care if I have it or if I don't. However I do not live off someone else.

He was your knight in shining armour but unfortunately you are now seeing what he truly is. I am not altogether surprised you met when you were low and vulnerable; he saw all that and took full advantage.
Am sure also he was delighted as well when you decided to make yourself fully financially responsible for him. Hindsight is indeed a wonderful thing but why on earth did you do that for him?.

I'd stay mad at both him - and myself for being taken in by such a person. You need to get to the bottom of why you really adored and adore him; there are reasons why you think and thought as you do.

The word codependent re your good self sprung to mind. I would suggest you read Codependent no More written by Melodie Beattie and Women who love too much by Robin Norwood.

You seem nice clodhopper, truly you deserve better than to be treated as a non person as you were by this lazy man. He is the true definition of the word cocklodger. Better to be apart and happier than to be together and miserable as you were. This relationship was all in his favour.

This cocklodger also managed to run your low sense of self worth and esteem even further into the ground. Do not take him back, it has to be no contact with him as of now.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 21-Jul-13 13:21:22

"does anyone have a partner who has no income ? "

It's not income that's the issue here, it's attitude and contribution. There are plenty of families set up so that one earns the money whilst the other contributes in other ways. It's a difficult balance to get right as you can see from the number of 'does my DH do enough around the house' threads that festoon these boards. I'm a sole parent but, even in my house, DS (13yo) is expected to do his fair share. Only the fabulously wealthy can afford to be creative with no income... everyone else has to grow up and get real

If he's contributing nothing, expecting to be carried and... worst of all in my opinion... getting nasty if you even try to discuss it, then he has no respect for you. Only contempt.

To prevent yourself from being desperate to have him back, maybe print out this thread, keep it somewhere you can refer to it regularly, remind yourself why it had to end, and then put all your energies into being with people and doing things that actually make you feel better... not worse

orangeandemons Sun 21-Jul-13 13:22:34

Well how does he intend to live if he doesn't prioritise money? There's a difference between wanting a lot and needing to pay the bills. It sounds like he doesn't prioritise it, because he hasn't had to. How did he live before he met you? How old is he?

clodhopper13 Sun 21-Jul-13 13:22:53

I AM nice. Im really fucking nice and really stupid. And really upset and feel like a fool and an emotional mess. Ive neglected my friends, my job, my life, my family - because I love him and I believed it would work.

the books look good - at least its something to do. other than crying.

EllaFitzgerald Sun 21-Jul-13 13:23:45

I have had a partner with no income three times. The first time, I ended up in so much debt, it took me years to pay it all off, simply because he felt he was too good to be doing something that was "beneath" him. The second time, I fell for a hard luck story about how nobody would give him a chance (absolute bollocks, as it turned out - he just wanted to wait until Metallica begged him to join them)

The last time was with my DH when he moved from his area to mine. He did everything in the house while I was at work, meals were cooked and he applied for anything and everything until he got work. It's not what he dreamt of doing when he was a kid, but he works hard and whatever he earns is family money. He hated the fact that he wasn't contributing financially.

Giving someone a chance is one thing. Paying for someone to sit on his arse is something else entirely.

Twinklestein Sun 21-Jul-13 13:26:10

I think he does prioritise money, enough to get into a relationship in order to get it... he just doesn't fancy making it himself.

kalidanger Sun 21-Jul-13 13:27:15

Clod It's been, what, 12 hours? Of course you're upset. Be upset! Wail if you need to.

But you'll be relieved soon. I promise thanks

MissMarplesBloomers Sun 21-Jul-13 13:27:21

It's not the fact that he doesn't work at paid income,

IF he pulled his finger out/worked on the DIY a fair chunk of the day (thereby increasing the house value & saving you paying a builder)

IF he at least did some household chores, laundry etc to save you doing it in your spare time

IF he did load with the kids so you saved childcare fees

IF he was also wonderful in bed & made you feel loved and cherished out of bed

then it might be acceptable- it really doesn't matter who stays at home but a house husband does need to pull his weight. You even have a cleaner FFS what does he do all day?!!

I can get that you are devestated but really you deserve better and if you start believeing that of yourslef it WILL happen!

clodhopper13 Sun 21-Jul-13 13:27:58

he's 55; im 50. before me he lived with his mum; in a friends flat (rent free while she sold it) in another friends house. with another girlfriend. Its been several years since he earned anything and longer since he maintained his own establishment

he gave me his keys back yesterday but the house is FULL of his stuff and he has nowhere to put it....

Dry your tears, he is really now not worth crying over.

You are nice indeed, you deserve a nice man to be with rather than a user cocklodger. But you need to work on your own self esteem first and rebuild that too together with reconnecting with the neglected other aspects of your life.

You loved him far more than he has ever loved you. He saw you as someone to be used and taken for granted, I doubt he knows the meaning of the word love.

Do read the publications suggested.

MadameBlavatsky Sun 21-Jul-13 13:30:07

Be glad that you are realising this now, not 10 years down the line.

It's ok to be a nice person and still have boundaries. He may have been Mr Right Then, but he's not Mr Right Now. Grieve and cry, it's ok to be upset, but don't doubt yourself, you KNOW that he's not the one now.

You and your kids deserve much better than this. My ex was similar, creative etc, but was bone lazy. He could have been a success if he had put his mind to it but couldn't be bothered. HIS problem, nobody else's.

Now focus on you and your kids. You WILL get over him, I promise. Probably sooner than you think.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 21-Jul-13 13:32:37

"the house is FULL of his stuff "

Give him a deadline for removing it and, if he misses that, you dump it. Of course he has somewhere to put it. A man like that will have other people nicely lined up to mop his fevered brow....

This man has always sponged off his mother (who enabled him) and his ex girlfriends who all did the same. Such men do not change, I am not at all surprised that he is in his mid 50s. (My BIL is very similar and also enabled and excused by his mother).

What sort of items are we talking about her?. Clothes, cds etc?.
Set a very short time limit for him to collect his stuff i.e 5 days or inform him it will all be going to the charity shop.

EllaFitzgerald Sun 21-Jul-13 13:35:29

Well I'd start by putting his stuff on the front lawn and telling him it's ready to be collected. Where he puts it is not your problem and the longer you're surrounded by it, the harder it will be to start getting over him.

He's gone through life taking from people and giving nothing in return. He's not giving you what you need emotionally or physically, the diy has stopped and the child care is minimal. I know he was probably the distraction that helped you cope with your marriage break up, but he's not so much a knight in shining armour, as a cock lodger in tinfoil. It's like having a teenage boy for a houseguest.

kalidanger Sun 21-Jul-13 13:36:25

A man like that will have other people nicely lined up to mop his fevered brow....

I almost wish I could get away with this sort of crap. How do these people manage it? hmm I'm just not charming enough biscuit

nenevomito Sun 21-Jul-13 13:37:37

This must be so hard for you, but you're really making the right decision. He's behaving like a child who will never leave home.

He doesn't prioritise his own money, but he's quite happy to live off someone else. He's never going to get a job and contribute financially while he has you to live off. It almost feels like you're buying a relationship with this man as you love him.

You deserve better than this. Be strong.

NettleTea Sun 21-Jul-13 13:38:51

"people are in your life for a reason, but that reason is seldom permanent" is what a wise friend told me. He said alot of hurt and unhappiness stems from people trying to keep hold of something which has run its course. Looks like thats whats happened here. He is not doing what was agreed. He helped you through a rough time, but that does not give him the right to live off that good deed for the rest of his life.

KatyTheCleaningLady Sun 21-Jul-13 13:43:06

If you are feeling bad, perhaps it would help to remember that you are not really being kind to him if you continue to enable him.

clodhopper13 Sun 21-Jul-13 13:43:45

deep down inside I kind of know its right that its over. I am not impulsive and I do believe in trying at relationships. but it hurts so much and I have no idea how I will manage at home on my own.

the stuff is a lot. one whole room full plus the usual paraphernalia.

i have no faith in myself as being able to stick to this, although right now he has defriended and blocked me on FB and is clearly very very angry, so i might not have a choice....

EllaFitzgerald Sun 21-Jul-13 13:48:44

Of course he's angry, you've removed his financial support. It speaks volumes that he's not on bended knees promising you he'll apply for work and start contributing. This just reinforces that you've made the right decision.

orangeandemons Sun 21-Jul-13 13:51:19

Despite having no money of his own he is still able to access fb?

I understand you were at a low point when you met him, but didn't any of this ring any bells for you? A 50 odd year old man with no job who lives with his mum? hmm

kalidanger Sun 21-Jul-13 13:52:47

the stuff is a lot. one whole room full plus the usual paraphernalia.

He can take it to his mum's. This is all her fault, probably hmm

Ella is bang on. He's angry, not sorry. HE'S NOT SORRY.,

clodhopper13 Sun 21-Jul-13 13:56:44

yes it did ring bells. but I didn't care, That's hard to write and hard to realise but its the truth. there are many more bells I've been hearing and ignoring over the last 2 1/2 years. Its hard to explain how much he saved me - my ExH was a drug addict and alcoholic who verbally & emotionally abused me and physically abused our children. I still found it almost unbearably hard to leave although I was desperately unhappy. seeing any resemblance ? My Partner gave me self esteem and courage.

and he was gorgeous. And fun and interesting. And of course he still is...

clodhopper13 Sun 21-Jul-13 13:58:49

He's angry, not sorry.

that's a bloody good point. But I am finding it hard to emotionally accept that him being angry is not entirely my fault. That he has a right to be angry with me

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