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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I make him miserable

29 replies

Dylanlovesbaez · 20/07/2013 14:53

Dp hates me. He tells me often enough and how he can't stand living with me. We have a 15 month old sd a d when i say this is no life her he tells me im selfish. He 'works' from home and is just always around. He has no friends, doesn't talk about anything and does not handle stress well at all. I have no money, where do I go and what do I do? There's so much more than this, I need to be loved and cared for. Fed up with feeling worthless.

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Dylanlovesbaez · 20/07/2013 14:54

Dd not sd.

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Anniegetyourgun · 20/07/2013 15:11

So er, why is he still living with you? You may not feel you have options but he certainly does. And yet he hangs around. I think he just likes living with someone he can take his stress out on, like some kind of sentient punching ball. You're right, it's no life for a child - or, for that matter, for you.

Is getting a job beyond the realms of possibility? Any family you could stay with, at least for a while?

Dylanlovesbaez · 20/07/2013 15:22

Thank you for replying. I desperately want him to get a job and get out of the house, to help him more than anything. I'm so exhausted by all of this. He speaks to me so badly and I'm just always feeling rubbish. I don't feel like I want my mum to know all of this because deep down I want it all to work out and I know she will think badly of him. I work 3 days a week but I cannot afford to live alone with dd and continue sending her to nursery.

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Dylanlovesbaez · 20/07/2013 15:23

He says he doesn't have options, he says he can't afford to run two households and he thinks I'm putting myself first when I say I can't carry on like this. He tells me to move out all the time but we never sit and talk anything through.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/07/2013 15:24

Don't stay with someone who hates you. It's not selfish to want to be loved and cared for. It's very selfish for someone to keep you close simply in order to hate you, ignore you and generally bring you down... it's called 'emotional abuse' and it's miserable.

You can call Womens Aid and they will give you some great advice on how to get yourself and your DD safely away or (if applicable) how to get him out of your home.

WitchOfEndor · 20/07/2013 15:25

Sounds like he makes you miserable, not the other way round. What are you and your child getting out of this relationship?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/07/2013 15:26

" I know she will think badly of him"

This is not the time to protect him. You have to protect yourself and your DD and for that you'll need lots of RL support. Chances are your Mum already knows something's wrong. It's worth a few 'I told you so's if it means you end up with a happier life.

Dylanlovesbaez · 20/07/2013 15:29

Thank you all. I don't know why he hates me though. It's like he just can't bear being around me, he doesn't even pretend. He picks on every little thing I say. He told me the other night that I'm not his intellectual equal and that we has nothing in common. Been together 11 years and only with each other. Dd down for a nap and he's working on te computer. Feel alone and embarrassed and don't know how to hide it from dd.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/07/2013 15:29

"he says he can't afford to run two households"

His responsibility is to maintain your DD and he will have to do that, no matter where you live. If you go to www.Turn2Us.org.uk and have a look at their benefits checker, put in your current income and you may be surprised at just what you'd be entitled to in the form of Tax Credits and other help. Do you have your own bank account for your wages or does he take them off you?

Dylanlovesbaez · 20/07/2013 15:32

We each have our own bank accounts and we have certain things we pay for and then what's left we use for dd and ourselves. Think he's feeling the pressure of having to pay for things.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/07/2013 15:32

"I don't know why he hates me though"

He hates you because he's emotionally abusive and it's how he controls you. He wants you to think you have no options so that you stay with him through fear of the alternatives. Like all emotionally abusive men by making you feel bad and crushing your spirit, he keeps you trapped.

You have alternatives. There are other options.

Dylanlovesbaez · 20/07/2013 15:35

Thank you. I've read about emotional abuse before and thought that could be happening. How did he become such a shit?! Would he be like it with just me or would it be likely to be with other people too? He has absolutely no social skills.

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Anniegetyourgun · 20/07/2013 15:35

Hmm... you don't want your mum to think badly of the man who despises and upsets her daughter? What kind of a mum would she be if she didn't think badly of him? What would you think of a man who treated your precious DD in such a way?

Anniegetyourgun · 20/07/2013 15:36

Don't worry, it's definitely him.

Twinklestein · 20/07/2013 15:38

He doesn't hate you, he hates himself & is taking it out on you.

I'm sure your mum would be much happier if you left him if she knew what was really going on... I'm sure she knows...

Dylanlovesbaez · 20/07/2013 15:39

I've told him before to imagine dd coming to us and telling us she was with someone who behaves that way. He can't see what he's doing wrong, it's all me. Of course I have my faults but I try so bloody hard. My mum is busy with my sister this weekend, seeing friends tomorrow and don't know how to pretend its all okay.

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Dylanlovesbaez · 20/07/2013 15:39

It's so sad because I do think my mum knows. It would break her heart.

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Dylanlovesbaez · 20/07/2013 15:41

Twinklestein I know that he hates himself even though he puts on this ridiculous act in front of people. He bull shits his way through everything. I can see where so much of this stems from but he won't let me help him.

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chillybits · 20/07/2013 15:44

Sweetheart you said deep down you want it to work, but deep down it sounds like you know it won't. Decent people do not want to hurt the people who are close to them, they may do it unwittingly and unintentionally but this is not the case here. All you are doing by staying is prolonging the pain.

Now is the time to summon every bit of strength you have, accept its going to be hard to get on your feet but start the rest of your life now.

Dylanlovesbaez · 20/07/2013 15:46

I'm so scared. It's not going to work out. How has this even happened? Feel like a total failure.

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Twinklestein · 20/07/2013 15:48

You can't help him, that's the truth, even if you wanted to.

I'm sure your mum will just be relieved you've admitted the problem. It won't break her heart - she's had what - at least two kids?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/07/2013 15:51

See when you said 'I try so bloody hard'? That's the reason he's such a shit to you. He knows that, if he tells you you're crap, you'll try a bit harder and a bit harder to win his affection, and he will have manipulated and controlled you utterly. Even now you're thinking he hates himself and he needs help. Not at all .... like all bullies he gets a perverse satisfaction out of making you feel small. He'd try the same thing with any woman he was with because he is so inadequate, he can only feel good if others feel bad.

You can't change him. You can only reject him.

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Twinklestein · 20/07/2013 15:53

It's really scary I understand, but it will work out, and you're no failure: you're doing amazingly well in a tough situation.

You've got a kid, you're working 3 days a week, & you're dealing with this emotional abuse - that's so hard.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/07/2013 15:53

"How has this even happened? Feel like a total failure."

Why have you failed? Do you think it's your responsibility to be the victim of bullying? If your DD comes home from school one day and says 'Mum I'm being bullied' will you tell her that she's a failure?

Dylanlovesbaez · 20/07/2013 15:59

All of you are totally right in what you are saying but I can't help but think it must be down to me in some way. I guess it will take a bit of time to get out of that mindset. Might be stupid but I'd worry about him if we went, he has nobody.

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