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DH is very angry and very miserable all the time

(28 Posts)
Chewyrad Thu 18-Jul-13 06:46:53

It really gets me down. It is too much.

I read about other partners on here, and people say it is a good sign if an angry partner is angry with everyone so I will say that mine is.

I am often having to apologise for him, in shops and restaurants, when he finds something isn't up to standard he gets cross with people, often ones who couldn't have done anything about the thing anyway. He argues with his boss and his parents, everyone. I am there placating.

the other half of the problem is that he is so negative. Everything is a fucking this, a cunting that. He is the kitchen already today angry at inanimate objects, or the fact that he can't find something, or that something is dirty when he wants to use it.

He always sees the worst possible reason for things, or the worst answer, saying i have unpleasant motives when I don't.

He uses worse language than necessary, food he doesn't like is always described as shit, even if I am eating it at the time!

We are having a baby. The name I come up with is stupid or ridiculous, or painfully pretentious or embarrassingly aspirational, or incredibly middle class or it sounds like an ironic joke. He makes me feel ashamed of suggesting the names, so, I feel I were being a nasty snob, when really all I am saying is do you think Alexandra sounds nice? Is that normal?

He talks to the baby as if it is a pain in the neck already, telling him/her off for me being tired or ill a few weeks ago and in a firm voice, not a kind jokey voice. He says dont be like this when you are born.

I am very drained in my own home by the temper and the negativity. I don't know how things became this way. Is there anything I can do?

Does it sound like I am being hormonal and sensitive or are these bad things?

TalkativeJim Thu 18-Jul-13 16:27:19

So you have not actually been with this guy very long. You haven't even known him for a year and a half.

That's not long enough to know what someone is really like. Sadly I think that 'funny man' or not, what you are seeing here is what this man is really like. Aggressive, angry, unreasonable, unkind.

So did he sweep you off your feet? Married within less than a year, pregnant a couple of months later? That's a red flag. Why? Because a man who knows no sane woman would stay with him when she gets the measure of him wants a ring on the finger and a baby on the way asap, to make it harder for her to leave.

You need to have a good think. Most of all because showing anger and impatience towards your unborn baby is a bad, bad, bad sign.

Relationships can sometimes be hard work. In the honeymoon period, they shouldn't be. That's where you should be. Instead you live with a cursing, steaming monster.

Babies ARE hard work. Having a baby IS stressful. You need love, reasonableness, a sense of humour and a supportive relationship on your side. It's VERY hard otherwise.

If he's like this now, I fear for what he would be like when the baby is here. Especially as he already sees it as yet another 'thing' sent to be a thorn in his side, rather than his precious child.

It only takes a flash of anger and a shake to permanently injure a baby.
I wouldn't want to share a home with a man like this.
Nothing you have done has caused this, so nothing you can do will fix it.

I would think hard about leaving.

greeneyed Thu 18-Jul-13 16:16:13

Ditto what frizz says my father was a dark and scary presence in our house and I never felt safe as a child. That changes you forever

This man is abusive and I can't imagine why you would want to stay with him or let him near your child. I'm sorry if that's harsh but seriously, do not waste your life on this man or subject your poor baby to him.

Frizzbonce Thu 18-Jul-13 15:22:24

I grew up with a very angry father OP and a placating mother. Dad would have a screaming fit if he couldn't find something or was frustrated in a very minor way - making everyone around him 'responsible' for making him feel better. I grew up flinching at a slightly raised voice and I never felt safe or relaxed as a child. I also grew up feeling responsible for everyone else's feelings and my boundaries were very weak, so if someone else was upset I would feel it was my 'job' to make them feel better. The damage goes very deep and only after a lot of therapy have I been able to come to terms with it.

I don't know you but I recognise the scenario and it's not going to get any better after you have this baby, and by placating him you are 'taking on' the responsibility for his behaviour. You and your baby deserve so much more than this.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Thu 18-Jul-13 15:19:37

You cannot raise a child in this home environment. Not without huge and permanent damage to the child.

I've read your OP again. I don't think there's any point wondering if he thinks this behaviour is acceptable or could be changed. He's an abusive arse. Cogito has it right.

He perhaps also knows very well what he is doing; taping him could put you at more serious risk of being harmed.

What about your family here, friends?. Enlist their help as well as that of Womens Aid. You are not safe with this man.

The funny man side was perhaps just an act designed to hook you further in. Things became this way because you are now seeing the real him.

You cannot remain with someone like this, he is already talking to your unborn child like he/she is a pain in the neck. What sort of like would this baby have with him?. And look at the sort of life you're having with him now.

Does he think he is reasonable and normal, or does he joke - being a funny guy - about being a grumpy arse? Could you say 'we need to calm this house and our language down before nipper arrives?' What would he say?

Supersesame Thu 18-Jul-13 14:12:26

Could you record him when he goes off on one of his rants?
Play it back to him when he's more reasonable to show him how ridiculous it sounds?

My DH can be very negative sometimes too but its very occasional. Last time, it was because he was hungry and I suggested we get a takeaway pizza from a new place in town. He was giving out about the price (which we didn't know yet as we were only on our way to the shop), the fact that pizzas are often smaller than the box they were in, that it would probably be digusting.

The whole monologue was completely ridulous and full of assumptions.
Anyway, halfway through eating the most delicious pizza we'd ever had (which was on offer at half price, by the way), I reminded him of his rant, word for word, in the car on the way there. And we laughed about its stupidity and how it was because he was hungry and moany.

I don't know if a similar tactic would work on your DH but it definitely helped us to diffuse these rants and we haven't had a similar one since maybe because he's able to recognise it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 18-Jul-13 14:03:42

And do you stand up to this funny man? Challenge the anger? Tell him it's unacceptable?

Chewyrad Thu 18-Jul-13 14:02:47

I used to brush it off.

We have been together for 16 months. We got married in November, I got pregnant in February. He is so funny. The funniest man you could see. But underneath I believe he hates everyone and hates everything. sad

JaceyBee Thu 18-Jul-13 08:09:49

He sounds incredibly stressful and unpleasant to be around. Do you feel able to talk to him about your concerns? I he acknowledges it and seems keen to make changes then some therapy could be beneficial, but if you feel too intimidated to say anything, or he wouldn't listen then you have a serious problem and tbh I'd cut my losses and just go.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 18-Jul-13 08:01:05

"He talks to the baby as if it is a pain in the neck already, telling him/her off for me being tired or ill a few weeks ago and in a firm voice, not a kind jokey voice. He says dont be like this when you are born."

It's a well-documented pattern that abuse often ramps up with the arrival of the first child. New mothers and small babies are vulnerable and this is meat and drink the wannabe bully. If he's already this unpleasant about you suffering a bit of morning sickness, I can't imagine how horrible your life is going to be when you're coping with the many challenges that come with a new-born. I'm horrified that he thinks it's OK to 'tell off' an unborn baby.

Do you ever stand up to him or are you frightened of him?

MrsHavisham Thu 18-Jul-13 07:52:16

I think you and your child are at high risk of violence from your husband. please contact womens aid. good luck.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 18-Jul-13 07:48:13

"I read about other partners on here, and people say it is a good sign if an angry partner is angry with everyone so I will say that mine is. "

If someone reserves their anger for their partner but is well-behaved with others then they are deliberately choosing to abuse their partner. This is not acceptable behaviour.

If someone is angry and abusive all the time and to everyone they meet, this is not acceptable behaviour either.

The only difference (rather than a 'good sign') is that the person in the second category may benefit from anger management training. However, that relies on them agreeing that there's a problem. If they don't think there's a problem and can't be bothered to seek help then, rather than making excuses for their behaviour, you should get yourself away from them before they hurt you.

newbiefrugalgal Thu 18-Jul-13 07:37:33

Get out while its easier.
So you want to live with someone like this for the rest of your life? It only becomes harder when babies arrive.

kalidanger Thu 18-Jul-13 07:35:11

You wouldn't stay friends with someone like this, would you? He's supposed to be your number one fan sad

WinningBread Thu 18-Jul-13 07:31:38

Would you seriously consider allowing a baby to be around such anger all the time?

I grew up with it - it's frightening.

Mumoftwoyoungkids Thu 18-Jul-13 07:28:51

Just for the record I have a 7 week old ds. If he had been a girl (we found out he wasn't at the 20 week scan) I wanted the name Alexandra. (Ally for short.) Dh said "mmmm - not sure I like Alexandra. What about Amy?"

arsenaltilidie Thu 18-Jul-13 07:18:36

Judge a man by how treats other people around him.

kalidanger Thu 18-Jul-13 07:12:20

How long have you been together? Has he always been like this?

Chewyrad Thu 18-Jul-13 07:05:23

I am sorry I have to get up and go to work. I will read the replies later. X

tribpot Thu 18-Jul-13 07:03:29

I think what the OP meant was that a lot of spouses of abusers claim it's 'just an anger management problem' and then it's pointed out to them that the abuser is mysteriously able not to hit his boss for turning up late to a meeting, but does the same to his victim. Thus not an anger management problem but an abusive fuckwit.

On the other hand, this guy is angry with the whole world, not the OP. I still wouldn't be contemplating staying because having a baby is a major stressor even for a sound relationship. In addition to being constantly angry - that the baby's crying, or won't sleep, or won't eat, or eats all the time, or won't go into a routine, or is in a routine which means your day is less flexible, or any one of a bajillion things, all of which will be your fault - I think he will sulk because attention will be taken from him. And then as the baby gets old enough to understand what it is being said - no child should be exposed to that level of negativity. His or her self-esteem will be completely destroyed from day 1.

Lweji Thu 18-Jul-13 06:56:17

it is a good sign if an angry partner is angry with everyone so I will say that mine is.

It's not a good sign. It's just that he has an anger problem and it's not just calculatingly violent towards you.

I used to placate exH in relation to other people, until he turned on me.

You are having a baby and you are already seeing how awful he is.
Abusers often get worse when their partners become somewhat dependent.
It can only get worse after the birth.

Plan and execute your exit plan now.
Be careful as he seems to have the potential to harm you. sad

Where did you see that piece of misinformation re people saying that if your partner is angry all the time its a good sign?. Its actually a domestic violence indicator.

This man you're with has enough red flags on him to cover a village fete in bunting.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Why have you stayed to date covering for him?. You think that given your love and time he will change, you hope against hope that he will change?. His abuse of you and others continues and will continue regardless. Your child will also be affected, this poor mite is already being abused verbally. You sound completely cowered by him unsurprisingly

And now you are bringing a child into this dysfunction as well.

This man is showing all the signs of being classed as The Loser in relationship terms. He is a dangerous individual. You cannot change him but you can certainly help your own self here by getting away from him and to a place of safety.

I would cut your losses as of now and plan a new life for your and your unborn child without him in it. He is an abusive and very damaged individual. Its not down to you to rescue and or save someone like this and besides which such men hate women anyway.

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