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DP got handjob off his male BF

(114 Posts)
ohfuckkk Mon 15-Jul-13 20:38:49

Namechanged (hopefully). Here goes..

My DP of ten years (no DC, no problems - i think) has confessed to me this weekend that when extremely drunk staying at his mates house a couple of weeks ago he 'came too' and his openly gay (our mutual) friend was wanking him off.

He says he can't remember much else as they were both drunk, his friend stopped mid-flow because he (DP) wasn't aroused.

WHAT THE F am i meant to think?

tittytittyhanghang Tue 16-Jul-13 20:41:46

OP, can you ask your dp if he consented and would he be able to give a yes/no answer? This is surely the crux of what happened and would help you/him understand better?

scottishmummy Tue 16-Jul-13 20:34:14

Op said he's been vague,it's unclear he gave consent,if no consent it's assault

XiCi Tue 16-Jul-13 20:31:36

Why is everyone going on and on about assualt when the OP has very clearly said 3 times that her DH has insisted it was not assault.
Also, can't belive the poster that said hand jobs to some men don't count! WTF is that supposed to mean. Straight men do not get hand jobs from their mates IME
OP he is trying to tell you something about his sexuality here, listen to him.

Wowserz129 Tue 16-Jul-13 18:36:32

It is a possibility he consented and feels bad about it so told you but made it sound like he wasn't fully with it because that would mean he had cheated. I don't think anyone here can judge fully whether it is assault or not because no-one knows if he is being 100% truthful with OP. If he is saying that 100% is isn't assault which means it was consensual then it sounds like a drunken experiment. It seems off to me that a man who is his best friend would pull down his trousers and give him a hand job whilst he is not with it. Either way OP you are going to decide how much you are okay with why happened.

BloomingRose Tue 16-Jul-13 18:23:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Southeastdweller Tue 16-Jul-13 17:33:48

I think that if he's bi or gay then you would have had an inkling before now and that both of them weren't quite as drunk as some posters on here are suggesting. He was probably what's known as 'bi-curious' and wanted the contact with another man combined with sexual relief but didn't want to do anyting too 'gay' if you see what I mean. A handjob to some men doesn't count.

If it were me I'd have to press on to find out more, from the friend.

ohfuckkk Tue 16-Jul-13 17:32:04

He told me about the one night but I found out about the next day and he looked shady when confronted but admitted it all in the end.

Jan45 Tue 16-Jul-13 17:16:19

Understandably, can see why it's in your mind again, he appears to get into some dodgy situations when under the influence, he also seems pretty inconsistent with the truth.

I wouldn't bring it up again if I was you, it sounds like you'll never really know the truth.

I'm curious, did he tell you about the one night stand or did you find out?

ohfuckkk Tue 16-Jul-13 17:10:48

Thanks so much for all the replies. I am glad that this has opened up a debate about victims of abuse and what constitutes abuse.

In this case though, I have asked DP straight and he says he wasn't abused. He was also out with lads and friend last week (before I knew about this) and says the friend apologised and then moved on but things are strained.

I can keep asking him if he was abused but I'm sure he will keep saying no - not sure where that leaves me.

DP has had a one night stand about four years ago which we worked through. At the time he told me she came onto him forcefully while drunk (yeah right) then it transpired that they had also had sex the following day twice sober. We are over it but this is in my mind again now.

ITCouldBeWorse Tue 16-Jul-13 16:30:17

I agree with a lot of maryz comments. Assaults on men are very much more common than is realised. Social conditioning means these men have confusion about their own sexuality, their own ability to consent, their macho-ness. They can often feel very guilty - as men are always up for it, they must have instigated it in some way - in their own mind. Many confess to some kind of wrong doing. Some ejaculate and assume this means they were consenting and having a good time.

I have no idea if this is the case for your dp, but it is certainly possible. Sexual assault is one of the primary triggers for self harming of adult males.

Survivors in London are able to take calls and could help your dp clarify some things if he feels that might be helpful.

If it was a drunken experiment, I have no advice I'm afraid, not my area.

I hope you find some peace and answers.

Jan45 Tue 16-Jul-13 15:24:59

milbracat - good points.

Bluegrass - nobody is disputing rape as a terrible crime, we are basing our comments on the assumption that this was not rape.

Bluegrass Tue 16-Jul-13 15:03:56

"Also, this was a "friend" not some random stranger in a dark alley and therefore he might consider a drunken "event" is not worth spoiling the relationship over."

Sounds like exactly the sort of thing someone would use to minimise the experience of so called "date rape" (otherwise known as "rape" to you and me), it being allegedly 'not as bad' if it is done by someone you know and trust and so not worth making a fuss about confused

milbracat Tue 16-Jul-13 14:31:48

Jan45 I think what would be more likely in the scenario as described by the OP is that the OP's partner's zip being undone.

I think whether it is assault or not is entirely the perogative of the man in question, not on MNers who weren't there to speculate on. Also, this was a "friend" not some random stranger in a dark alley and therefore he might consider a drunken "event" is not worth spoiling the relationship over. It seems to me the OP might have been happier if her partner had beaten the friend to a pulp once he had "come to" and knew what was happening.

It might even be the case that the friend has in this instance made an error of judgement in his drunken state and made the mistake that the OP's partner might be up for some "fun".

A while ago, a gay couple moved in next door to us. They seem nice enough, but as I don't feel I have anything in common with them and conversation between us soon dries up. DH on the other hand is really friendly and chatty with them and took them out for a meal. DH wanted me and DCs to come as well, I but felt it would be awkward for the rest of us. Some time after the couple invited DH to a bar and something they called a "bring a bear night". DH went and later said that although they knew he was straight, he did find himself being touched and was propositioned to a few time and it took some getting used to.

The incident the OP's partner had was probably be a one-off.

Jan45 Tue 16-Jul-13 13:05:56

Mortal = extremely drunk.

Of course you can pull off trousers and pants of another when drunk, why wouldn't you be able to???

Again, nobody knows if this is assault or not, my judgement of it being two drunk friends is based on what I've read.

TheCrackFox Tue 16-Jul-13 13:00:22

It does sound like he was assaulted in that he was too drunk to initially say no.

Bonsoir Tue 16-Jul-13 12:44:01

Sounds like sexual assault of someone in a state of inebriation.

tittytittyhanghang Tue 16-Jul-13 12:42:12

Grunt, she means that she assumes that both men were v.v. v. drunk at the time.

But i dont buy it, not for the friend. If your v. v.v. drunk then no way would you be able to pull the trousers and pants down of another adult. Friend was possible drunk but still doesn't excuse his actions.

Gruntfuttock Tue 16-Jul-13 12:31:56

Jan45 "I'm assuming both men were mortal at the time."

Huh? I don't understand. confused

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen Tue 16-Jul-13 12:27:38

I used the word 'confess' because when I was assaulted that's the feeling I had, that I was 'confessing^ wrongdoing on my part. Shrink said it was totally normal. confused

All I meant was that feeling of 'confessing' is usually accompanied by minimising, denial, relief you got it out, denial, more minimising.... I'm not a man which is why I wondered if that feeling was stronger given it was a male on male assault?

Certainly didn't mean he did anything wrong. Sorry if it came across that way! sad

Bluegrass Tue 16-Jul-13 11:51:01

Even people talking about him "confessing" gives the impression that he was revealing some sort of wrongdoing on his part, hardly a great way to frame someone who is a victim (their "friend" certainly sounds as if they proceeded without consent or were at the least reckless as to whether consent had been given).

I expect he "confessed" because he is turning to someone he loves and trusts for help in trying to make sense of it all. It is also a very male response to mention something worrying them and them immediately try to minimise it or talk down how much it affected them. The whole thing will seem easier to deal with if he can convince himself it was a silly mistake or a joke. The alternative is that he spends the rest of his life as someone who was sexually assaulted, a "role that I doubt he feels able to accept as it will challenge his entire self image and sense of masculinity.

tittytittyhanghang Tue 16-Jul-13 11:28:43

Some of the attitudes on this thread are very depressing. OP if your dp didn't give clear consent then its assault. Nothing can change that, not the fact that your dp was drunk, the 'friend' was drunk, or if he got an erection or not, or if he was passive to begin with or the fact that it was a 'friend', or that your dp doesn't want to class it as assault. And tbh from what you have written that is what it sounds like.

From someone who went through similar I can tell you now what not to do and that includes pressing your dp for more information, your dp has confided in you, which is a big thing to do in itself. Constant questioning will come across badly. Dont threaten to go to the police neither, thats the most fucking stupid suggestion i have every heard, thats for your dp to consider if and when he feels ready, or not if he so decides. TBH i think not making it about you iyswim, it happened to your partner and i guess he is dealing with it as he sees fit and best he can.

Jan45 Tue 16-Jul-13 11:25:21

Well said again Arcticspill.

I'm assuming both men were mortal at the time.

The OPs partner hasn't once said assault so I'm going on the premis it wasn't, I could be wrong yes but until we know how can anyone be sure.

Acknowledging the fact that adults do get into drunken states and do do silly things like this is in no way trying to lighten the seriousness of any assault be it sexual or not.

Arcticspill Tue 16-Jul-13 11:18:19

Acknowledging that most illegal activity of all kinds is occasioned by drink or drugs is not shrugging it off. However his decisions now are his to make and I do not think the ops feelings should be shaken or her support affected by accusations of latent homosexuality or cheating.

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen Tue 16-Jul-13 11:12:17

X post Mary Totally agree, you worded it much better than I did.

Humiliation but the need to 'confess' is extremely, extremely common among assault victims.

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen Tue 16-Jul-13 11:11:17

I'm disturbed how many shrugs of 'eh, drunk shit happens.' No one would be saying that if it had been: I was drunk with a male friend. He pulled down my pants and started touching me.

This was a guy who was pissed off his arse, had a 'friend' pull down his pants and stroke his penis.

OP do you think maybe his adamant insistence it wasn't assault is because perhaps he did get an erection? I notice you've said more than once he was soft. It's still sexual assault if his body responded, and he shouldn't be ashamed.

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