I recently posted about exH's behaviour around DD both in terms of his general appearance (smelling, hungover, ragged clothes) and manipulation ("Daddy is hungry / broke / has nowhere to sleep...").
The SIL who is closest to my age knows many of my friends. I told a mutual friend about exH being stopped by the police recently after they thought he was a suspicious man hanging around the kids' playground rather than DD's dad. We got talking and I told her a great deal of further background which has then apparently been passed on to SIL. It wasn't a secret and I made a conscious decision last year that I'm not going to hide exH's behaviour from any family or friends any more. So, I don't mind it being passed on but SIL's reaction has surprised me.
She sent me an email suggesting that we set "standards of behaviour" which have to be kept for exH to visit DD and that each of us enforce them. These include being completely sober and not hungover, being clean, and being reasonably dressed.
After living with an alcoholic I know that her suggestions are utterly futile and a waste of time and energy. One way or another I need to stop or move to highly controlled contact with DD. I'm asking for advice on how to do this on my other thread.
I have no interest in engaging with exH and frankly need to move to less contact rather than more. However, I am touched that SIL is even bothered about me and DD and the effect this is having on us. I want to send a civil reply. She also wants to talk to me about it by phone and I really can't be arsed. I'm happy to see her with mutual friends or chat by phone occasionally if one of us has family news. I don't want to spend hours dissecting exH's actions and motivation. It goes nowhere and I resent time spent even thinking about him.
None of their family said or did anything whatsoever either during our dysfunctional marriage, or during the two years exH stayed in my house during our divorce (drinking, playing playstation, and spending money on my overdraft, while claiming to be trying to move). Their father was an alcoholic and emotionally abusive towards their mother. She is very religious and "stayed for the children" who are now very messed up (think suicide attempts, alcoholism, substance abuse, serial abusive relationships).
This particular SIL has been trying to get her act together in the last couple of years and from the evolution of her attitudes and conversation, I would guess that she has had quite a bit of counselling.
How should I reply to her?
(Thank you if you got this far - this was a bit longer than I intended.)
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How to reply to email from SIL?
10 replies
ChangingWoman · 11/07/2013 22:19
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