A bit of guidance please.
Background. Married 20 years but a lot of arguments and shouting. I think I suffered emotional abuse. He thinks I am too demanding etc etc blah, blah.
Anyhow after 20 years of this the straw that broke the camels back, as it were, was the death of my dear dad. It hardly registered on the bastard's radar and having members of my family at the house after the wake was considered too much for him and yet another huge row erupted because I was apparently not considering his feelings and respecting the fact that it was his home. He also accused me of being moody. I had just had the funeral that day FFS. Row escalated to him chasing me round the house to shout and eventually kicking me when I tried to shut a door to keep him out of the room. That was a regular scenario in the house. I get to thinking, our daughter is 15. She's had 15 years of this. On top of that he has taken to going against me if I ever tried to discipline her in any way to undermine me and hurt me by trying to alienate us from each other (daughter and I).
So a few weeks ago I took the drastic step of renting another house and moving out. Made sure the house was near to her school so she can decide where she wants to be on a daily basis. Told her that she was welcome to come and live me if she wanted but that she was old enough to make up her own mind.
It has been very hard for her. She has been very moody with me but OK with him. He is spoiling her rotten and pretty much letting her suit herself and being a taxi service and personal bank.
But more disturbingly whenever I have spoken to him about something I'm not happy about - be it about something to do with her or something to do with the house, he is repeating it to her. Tonight he did it and it has resulted in a huge row with her being very angry with me. I had deliberately telephoned him when she was not with him so she wouldn't be party to the resulting inevitable shouting match. He always insists that it is me that starts arguments but it is always his voice that gets louder and louder and I end up hanging up because he is shouting. A later conversation starts up when he brings her round to my house to "discuss thing". This is always a bad sign when he says that. It means, he's going to say what he wants to say and if I say I don't agree then he will shout and then I will be accused of starting an argument. i then ask him to leave and i am seen as the aggressor. This was the case this evening. But something he said sent a chill down my spine. It went something like this "Of course I'm not trying to take her away from you, I just want to be sure that she is having a good relationship with you, I keep asking her if everything is OK between you two and that you are getting along alright".
Now call me Mrs Paranoid. But knowing this bloke, I think that this is the power of suggestion at work here. I know how manipulative he can be. It is the reason I moved out. It is the reason the rows went on for so long and often, because I didn't believe most of what he said as it was more often than not a lie.
Surely if someone asks you often enough if everything is OK and if you are getting along with a person you might start to wonder if you aren't meant to be. Also at the weekend she said that she thought I had some kind of mental illness I have never heard of and didn't even know what it mean. She refused to explain where she got the name of the illness from and why?
I have to say that at the grand old age of 56 there has never been a hint of mental illness in me. No post natal depression. No problems with PMT. No issues going through the change etc etc. No mental health issues in my family either. I work full time and have run the house and done the lion's share of the work on houses we have done up. Gardening has always been my responsibility as has bills, bank accounts and daughter's education. I have run everything and looked after my daughter single handedly whilst he has worked overseas, so clealry mental health was not an issue then.
I cannot say the same for his lineage. He spent several weeks in hospital diagnosed with alcohol induced paranoia in his mid twenties. His mother is a child like attention seeker and flaky to say the least and his uncle spent his adulthood in some kind of institutions but I don't know the details. The pattern with him is one of rages if felt maligned or treated unfairly but can be charming when it suits. Most people see through this pretty soon and he has no friends to speak of, just people that he works with.
My question, at 15 is there anything I can do? Or do I just have to ride the rough ride and hope that she comes out the other side relatively unscathed? What are my powers? Or am I treading a dangerous game if I challenge this? Or should I threaten to move back into the marital home and hope he might move out?
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Relationships
Teen Daughter and divorce
19 replies
Neeliethere · 10/07/2013 23:44
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