DP has done nothing all day

[SlumberingDormouse]

I just got home from a very tiring day at my new job to find DP has done absolutely nothing except sleep, shower, eat and play around on the Internet all day. He then wanted sex which I found exasperating. I know I'm exhausted and in a foul mood but I've been having bad thoughts that maybe we're fundamentally mismatched.

I'm the kind of person who is always busy; I currently work two part-time jobs (out of choice) and am studying for a degree-level qualification as well. DP has just left uni and has no clue what he wants to do in the future. He is claiming to still be tired from his finals but I'm losing patience as his finals finished 6 weeks ago now!

He is not looking for a job but the issue is more that he's done nothing. There have been times in my life where I wasn't job-hunting but was still constantly busy; that's just my personality. My DP is very bright but lazy. He also unfortunately has very expensive tastes - not a good combination. I'm the total opposite in terms of ambition. AIBU? Will I feel better after a nap and some food?

[Squitten]

Well, are you going to continue being his cash cow?

He isn't even LOOKING for work, let along doing anything useful with himself. Tell him to get a job or get out. He's using you for an easy life

[ImNotBloody14]

well was there anything that needed done? I don't always do chores everyday. there are days where I just shower, eat and leave the house or not if I don't feel like it. it's ok not to do anything.

I think if he is lazy and you know it I have to ask why you expected that to change when you moved in together. lazy people are lazy. I am one. but I know that and accept that and realize I couldn't live with someone who expected me to be constantly doing things.

you two need to talk and work out whether living together is right for you. I take it you are supporting him?

[clam]

What do you mean, "two part-time jobs, out of choice?" How would you be financing yourselves otherwise?

Hope you didn't agree to the sex!

[tribpot]

I've been having bad thoughts that maybe we're fundamentally mismatched.

Those aren't bad thoughts.

Leaving aside the impression of an entitled man-child, it sounds like you are fundamentally mismatched. It's not uncommon for a life change like leaving uni to highlight things which have been dormant.

You will find it much easier to do all that you are clearly capable of without this millstone around your neck.

[arsenaltilidie]

Knowing he's just finished and how hard it is for young graduates to find a job, maybe he is a bit depressed about his future prospects?
As the saying behind every great man is a great woman.

Maybe you just don't love him enough?

Instead of trying to fault find, maybe the relationship has run its course.

[ImNotBloody14]

love has nothing to do with it. OP doesn't have to accept supporting someone else for love. not if they aren't willing to try and support themselves and contribute to the house.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

He'll never hold down a job if doing a few exams floors him for six weeks. The word 'cocklodger' is hanging in the air, I'm afraid. Lazy with expensive tastes is a very childish combination. And yes, I'm sure he is bright... because he's clever enough to persuade you to bankroll his sorry arse.

[MushroomSoup]

My DH is out of work - through no fault of his own. Today he did nothing except get sunburned. I'm just plain envious!

[ImperialBlether]

Does he sound depressed, arsenal? It sounds as though he's still living as he did as a student, just without the work.

OP, tell him his summer holidays are over. Six weeks of messing around while every other graduate is searching for work? He's missed loads of opportunities already. When you say he has expensive tastes, now might be the time to knock that one on the head.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

SD

You've had a nap and some food by now but this problem still remains.

The word I thought of re your man when I read your post was "cocklodger". He fits that particular bill i.e lazy arse, has expensive tastes and wants sex all the time.

Why are you together at all, what do you get out of this relationship with this person?.

[BadSkiingMum]

In that post-uni period, there were times when I was working hard and one or more of my flatmates (including my long term boyfriend) were between jobs, holidaying or generally loafing around. There were also times when the opposite was true. Seventeen years on, we all hold or have held, senior and highly responsible jobs. A summer loafing around at age 22 did not stop my boyfriend from eventually becoming a partner in a large law firm.

At this stage of life I don't think either of you can question what the other one does with their day. If the rent is paid, he meets his own expenses and cleans up after himself, then the rest is up to him. If anyone should be asking that question, it might be his parents? Hell, he might even decide to have a 'gap year' and go travelling now - lots of people do.

The only thing that you can decide is if the relationship meets your needs or not.

[Vivacia]

I don't think that these are bad thoughts and I absolutely disagree with the suggestion that you just need to love him more - talk about misplaced blame!

My partner and I both work hard, but if one has time off when the other doesn't we do a job around the house to surprise the other or at the very least make sure all of the chores are done. That is love in my book.

[arsenaltilidie]

When I finished my degree I didn't start looking for a job until late September because I wanted to do fuck all for my 'last summer' and also I was a bit scared about my future.
Some of my friends I went to uni with spent 6 months 'looking' for jobs.

He then wanted sex which I found exasperating.

Presuming you are in your early mid 20s, if you are finding the idea of sex with you partner exasperating it's a sign the relationship has run its course.
He may well turn out to be a bum or not, but that's not important now.

[Wheresmycaffeinedrip]

That would annoy me to. If he was depressed be wouldn't have finished his course there's no excuse he's being a lazy arse.

[Vivacia]

When we left Uni neither of us felt we were owed a summer off. We went straight in to work and couldn't have afforded to anything else.

Some people are just driven, hardworking, busy people and whilst I can see down sides of this I don't think I could live with someone the opposite.

[theorchardkeeper]

If you live alone...fair enough. You can be lazy etc but if your partner is working and you're not looking for work then surely you could at least clean up a bit or do something around the house.

I can see why the OP didn't exactly feel like getting down to it after a days work and finding her partner had done fuck all

[theorchardkeeper]

Also the way you describe him screams Cocklodger...

• Lazy
  
• Expensive tastes
  
• Not looking for work despite you working fairly hard to support you both - that's really not on if you're living with someone

[trialsoflife]

Agree with arsenal that just the sign that you see sex with your DP exasperating is bad enough. I don't think that being lazy or not wanting to seek work is a terrible thing in a partner (seeing as I've enjoyed spending these past summer days sleeping, showering, eating, pissing about on the internet and shagging - luckily DH doesn't care about housework and is happy for me to jump him when he comes home after work ), but if that's not acceptable to you, then it's clear that you are mismatched.

[allaflutter]

come on, it's only 6 weeks after the tough exams! People in work have summer holidays, why can't a student have a long holiday after exhaustingexams and before he launches into the work-world? Maybe he needs to do some seroius thinking about his options, not just jump into a wrong job.
Not all people are duracell bunnies! Some have phases of doing nothing but then doing a lot intensively, some are everyday hard workers - neither is good or bad. Of course if Op can't stand it, she should leave.

[Squitten]

I would agree with you allaflutter, if he was living back with his parents who were happy to let him float about and have his holiday.

Unfortunately, the OP is working two jobs to support his lazy behind and his "expensive tastes". Who does he expect to fund him exactly? Sounds like he has decided the OP is going to do it but just didn't bother to ask her first!

[allaflutter]

it's also about finding what you are really interested in - the same 'lazy' person could get fired up and work hard if they find the right job, running around aimlessly just to be busy is not productive at all.
.
It's also about decision making for such 'intelligent but lazy' people - if they struggle with decisions they may need advice/help, but if he's just processing things and doing a bit of soul searching, then it's absoloutely fine. Obviously if this carried on for many months and he's not paying his way, then he may be a cocklodger, but it's too early to label him.

[allaflutter]

Squitten, but does OP completely support him financially? I don't think she said that. He may be paying out of his savings or parents fund him to some extent?

[SlumberingDormouse]

I should have been clearer - DP lives with his parents. I am staying with him this month as my work location is closer to his house than mine. Last night he cooked a delicious meal and did some chores around the house, which made me see the situation a bit differently.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Good luck with the new job. You and DP sound very different types. Nothing wrong with that but being together I predict you will have many more AIBU? moments where you question why you are a couple.

See how the summer goes. Perhaps you will meet someone at work you fancy.

[Crinkle77]

Think you're being a bit harsh. You're not supporting him financially and I don't blame him for wanting a bit of down time after finishing uni. I don't blame him for doing nothing. If I was off work this week then I too would be making the most of the sunshine. A couple of months is fair enough but I think once the summer is over he really needs to get his act together. If he continues to do nothing after that then perhaps you will have to give him a nudge.