Problems with DP, relationship seems on sided - sorry, long.

[bettycocker]

Hi there,

Could anyone else give me some advice on the following problem and tell me if I'm just being an immature drama queen.

Basically, DP and I have talked about marriage a few times over the past 3 years. It hasn't been a proposal, just talking about how we'd like to do it. Each time, he says he would like to marry me, then nothing. No ring, no proper proposal.

I'm not bothered about the shiny ring, the big day or dress. I'm upset about the fact that my feelings don't seem to be reciprocated. I feel it's the biggest commitment you can make to someone and I'm ready to take that step. Last time we talked about getting married was about 3 months ago? Gues what...No ring and he hasn't brought it up since.

We have been together for 6 years and living together for nearly 5 years of that. I think I know him well enough to suspect that if he meant what he said, he would actually be more proactive about it. I think that to keep telling someone you want to marry them and then not making any effort to follow through is really unkind.

I just think he's not that into me. I noticed ages ago that he had stopped complimenting me. So, I started complimenting him, doiong more for him, making a real effort with my appearance and I got 3 compliments in all that time. So, I felt pretty rejected by that too.

Then there's the bedroom problem. Sex is a damp squib. We have a quickie once of twice a week. He says that he just can't go like he used to be able to, because he's 40. He's a very fit and healthy 40 yr old though. I suspect that the novelty of someone new would soon get his pecker up.

So, all in all I just feel rejected and don't know what to do. I have arranged to visit my BFF and stay over tonight. Should I talk to him before I go, so he has time to think about what I have said and we can talk when I get back? I'm sitting here in tears at the moment and so confused as I don't know if I'm just being a massive twat over this.

If you made it this far you deserve and .

[Relaxedandhappyperson]

So what are the good things? If any?

What is the issue? Is it marriage or is it that he appears to be bored?

[bettycocker]

He's a really nice bloke Relaxed and we generally get on well. Both are issues I suppose.

I want to talk to him about how I feel, but I can't work out whether it's silly of me to feel this way. What if bringing it up causes an argument and makes things worse?

[tribpot]

Why don't you ask him to marry you?

[Mixxy]

Propose to him. Force the question. If the answer is no, then its up to you to decide if you want to stand around
flogging a dead horse or move on and find something else.

[bettycocker]

Actually, I think we get on well because we don't talk about our relationship. I don't bring any of this up and I think he avoids talking about his issues.

[Roshbegosh]

But you have to take the risk of it making things worse, otherwise you are feeling miserable sitting on your feelings and nothing moves forwards.
Hug x

[bettycocker]

tribpot, if I were to ask him, should I get a ring, or should I wait until we go away, when we'll have some alone time next month?

I don't know if I can keep this bottled up for that long.

[CMOTDibbler]

Just ask him - don't get a ring or wait till you go away. Do it today - 'I love you, I want to marry you, and I'd like to set a date'. Then take it from there.

[bettycocker]

CMOTDibbler I'll do that this morning before I leave to visit my friend. I'll know where I stand. Would it be fair to assume that if he is shifty about setting the dats, he doesn't want to do it?

In which case, I'll be with my mate and can cheer myself up with good company and .

[Mixxy]

Get a month and a year, not a specidic date. You'll know by his reaponse anyway.

I asked my husband to marry me when we both opened our health insurance bills and said "ugh it would be so much easier if we could be on the one plan".

You don't need romance and fireworks, just an honest answer.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think you're flogging a dead horse. Crap sex, no attention, being taken for granted,..... it's not just 'no commitment', he's just along for the ride. Why ask him to marry you just to prove a point? What happens if he says 'yes' and you end up saddled with Mr Not Interested permanently? Brr....

[Roshbegosh]

I don't this OP wants this to prove a point. She wants to be married to this man so good luck to her.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

But why would anyone want to be married to a man that offers 'damp squib' sex and all the other drawbacks mentioned?

[Roshbegosh]

Well I don't know cognito, but she does. There must be enough good things to balance the less good. She loves him.

[Mixxy]

If your goal is simply marriage by any means, go ahead. But you'll be back on this forum in 2 years complaining about a shit marriage. Sorry hon, it sounds like you are trying to polish a turd with this relationship.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What do you get out of this relationship now exactly?.

Damp squib sex, a complete lack of communication on both sides and taking each other for granted are not good indicators at all for a happy marriage. He sounds like the OP will do for now till someone else comes along, they are just plodding along together.

[Lizzabadger]

I'm afraid it sounds as though he's not that into you. He's just with you because it's convenient/easy.

I don't think you should propose.

Personally I'd gather my strength and end the relationship. If he really wants you he will know where to come begging. If not, you've freed yourself up yo be happily single or to meet someone else.

I gather you're a lot younger than him?

[bettycocker]

I don't want to marry him if he's not really interested, but I do want to know why he has mentioned getting married when he has no intention of following through with it. I also want to know what I have done wrong and why I'm not good enough for him to marry.

I've tried to introduce new things in the bedroom, but he's not interested. Maybe they aren't his cup of tea, but I've asked him what I can do for him and he can't really come up with an answer.

I don't take him for granted and there are plenty of positive qualities to him. I have been in a couple of abusive relationships and DP is not an abuser. I'm wondering if this is as good as it gets.

[Lizzabadger]

Link to your last thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1726247-DP-losing-interest-in-sex-a-little-bit-on-the-long-side

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

He takes it for granted that despite the crap sex, frequent disappointments and lack of commitment & enthusiasm on his part, you'll still stick around asking 'what can I do for you', introducing new things in the bedroom and running around trying to please him. Doesn't make it an abusive relationship but it's certainly unequal and that makes it a pretty poor basis for a successful marriage.

[bettycocker]

You've got a point there Lizza. Nothing has changed. Thanks for pointing that out (not sarcasm btw).

Fuck.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

So what do you get from this relationship now?. You did not answer that.

I think OP that he sees you as, "she will do for now".

Throwing out the word marriage now and again does keep you interested; its his hook of keeping you around whilst you do everything possible to make him happy. He is not reciprocating too because he is happy with the way things are and already gets what he wants out of this. Its a very selfish way to behave.