Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

End of Affair - update

(146 Posts)
HeyFeverrr Mon 01-Jul-13 11:04:44

I can’t believe I am posting this here. It is out of sheer desperation.

My original post is here. I really appreciate that most people did not flame me on that thread, and were in fact hugely helpful.

I found out that I am pregnant not long after posting that. It is definitely the OM’s, as I haven’t had sex with my husband for months. I went into a complete panic. Spoke to BPAS, saw someone the following day and got the ball rolling for a termination. I was in complete shock and did not handle this situation well, I know. I was changing my mind from minute to minute about what to do – tell the OM / don’t tell him, tell DH / don’t tell him. I asked to meet the OM (via text) to discuss ‘something important’ and he agreed, only to cancel the following morning. He called to say he needs to work on his marriage and doesn’t want to see me again etc. I was art work, about to go in to a meeting, and had to put the phone down on him, as felt I was going to cry and say something I would regret. I called him later to see if we could talk and he ignored my calls. I thentexted him to tell him my ‘news’, but had no reply. Stupid texts, I dont know why I did that. i was all over the place. Cue several hysterical texts from me over the next 24 hours asking him if he thought it was fair that I should handle this alone etc? I don’t know what I wanted or expected him to do. he has proved himself to be a complete bastard.

Over the weekend, I completely lost it. Texted him a few times begging him to at least discuss it with me. Eventually, I received a reply saying ‘you are obviously on the warpath and I don’t want to argue with you’. That was it. I just totally lost it, tried to call him, got no reply. Then texted his wife and told her. I don't know why. Out of spite , possibly. Desperation? I know it was stupid and immature and I do not know what came over me.

My emotions are a complete mess. I have heard nothing from either of them, anyway, so it was a pointless exercise. I have a gut feeling that he does not believe me. This is what hurts most. That, and the fact that I will now have to pay for and go through with a termination totally alone. I am also sick with guilt over keeping this from my husband, but cannot imagine how hurt he will be if I tell him. It is a complete mess, of my own making I know. I am just filled with rage at him, at myself, and terrible grief already, without even going through with the abortion.

I have a termination (by tablet) booked for Friday, and then have to go back for the second lot of pills on Monday. I have a counselling appointment with Relate (alone) tonight, that I booked before I found out I was pregnant. I have an incredibly heavy week at work this week. I feel like I am going to fall apart. But I can’t. I need to gather my strength and face this and do the right (or best) thing. I just need some kind of advice or some wise words from some stronger, better women right now, as I feel I am a complete fraud and no longer trust my own judgement.

I suppose if anyone is looking for a story that will put you off having an affair – this is it. It’s a complete joke. I regret everything. All of it.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Mon 01-Jul-13 20:19:26

Imperial - then perhaphs it would be wiser to say 'some people' not everyone... I don't appreciate being lumped in with people who are feeling sorry for a stupid bastard who has brought this (and worse) on himself.

ImperialBlether Mon 01-Jul-13 20:24:57

I apologise. I was seeing a red mist after reading both threads and wasn't thinking straight!

Pinkdaisy4 Mon 01-Jul-13 21:01:29

OP, I had a medical termination two months ago.....alone. After the tablets, nothing except a racing pulse and a headache .

Where are you in the country? I'm off on Monday so I can come and hold your hand or you can pm me.

quietlysuggests Mon 01-Jul-13 21:28:28

Buy yourself some time OP and let the panic subside a little.

Get GP to give you sick cert (not a lie as I doubt you are able to work)

Tell your DH that things have not been right since you found out about his affair, that you need time away from him, that you want to go stay with your mother/sister/friend/local hotel for a few weeks.

Go and sleep, walk around the park and look at trees, lie in bed by yourself and write down your thoughts, talk to a highly trained person - a counselling psychologist would be ideal - a couple of times a week - and see how you think and feel then.

You have to stop the panic in order to figure out whats best to do.

Missbopeep Mon 01-Jul-13 21:37:29

OP
You have found yourself in a very difficult situation- I am sorry.

Have you thought about how you will cope with the actual termination? My very closest friend went through this ( tablets - though not in the same situation as you) and I know she found the actual process over a few days quite difficult and uncomfortable. She was 9 weeks at the time. I am just wondering how you will ( if you choose to) keep this a secret from your DH?

I am sure this has crossed your mind. How do you feel about this part of it all?

NicknameIncomplete Mon 01-Jul-13 21:51:46

Imperial what you advised the OP to say to her husband sounds like a good way to go about it.

OP i think if u are going to tell ur husband that would be a good way. You dont have to tell ur husband though.

Mixxy Mon 01-Jul-13 22:05:12

OP: I can understand why you texted the wife. Frustration at being ignored by OM etc. But, in doing so, I think you might have saved their marriage. Both will paint you as a crazy who is making up a pregnancy in order to "keep" the OM. It allows OM to achieve a sort of cognitive dissonance and lets his wife think her DH had a bit of a lucky escape, and that he's just THAT desirable. You're best off not thinking of, nor contacting him ever again. Ever.

It's up to you if you want to tell your husband but I think it will be uncovered either way. I had a medical abortion a few years back as I thought it would be the easier option. I could not have been more wrong. I had an awful time, a lot of pain. And without TMI, it's messy. It is hard to do alone and harder to hide what is going on than you would think. If it is possible, could you contact BPAS and see if you can reschedule for an alternative method?

I don't see your husband as blameless. I don't see you as blameless. I don't see the OM as blameless. The only poor sod here who is caught in the shitstorm is his wife.

You'll get through this. You will.

ageofgrandillusion Mon 01-Jul-13 22:47:08

Tell your DH. Tell him you are going to leave things for a month or so to decide whether you want to keep the baby. Obviously, spend that time apart. You need to buy yourself some time to make a proper, considered decision on this, this all sounds very frentic.

scaevola Tue 02-Jul-13 08:22:05

Having told OM's wife, the genie is out of the bottle and she could tell your H at any time. That's one hell of a thing to have hanging over you. I think your only sensible choice now is to draw the sting and tell him yourself.

I know contraception can fail at any time, but the timing of this has left me wondering. OM didn't want the affair to end at the probable time you conceived. Could he have been reckless on purpose?

I think Imperial has given a great way of approaching it.

And to add to what Mixxy said re methods -- yes, my two friends I mentioned had similar physical reactions, quite messy and difficult to hide. I myself have had a surgical termination under just a local -- I would not particularly recommend it, as it was very painful and a bit traumatic, but I was physically okay very quickly afterward and it would have been a lot easier to hide it if I needed to. So perhaps it is worth talking to a counseling service and getting some advice, if you do want to go through with it.

I hope you are okay today. Be easy on yourself.

Upnotdown Tue 02-Jul-13 10:55:37

I really feel for you.

You have to tell your husband - if he finds out from anyone but you, it will cut him deeper. If OM's wife doesn't know who you are, I suppose he could be pressured into giving up your details. Then it just depends on how much self control she has. (I wanted to hang OW out to dry - I didn't speak to her ex or current partner but it took immense will power not to.)

You shouldn't go through the termination alone. Even though you did a shitty thing, I don't think you deserved this.

Snazzywaitingforsummer Tue 02-Jul-13 11:15:06

I also think ImperialBlether's suggested speech to the husband would be a good one.

OP, hope you can get someone to come with you on Friday.

OrmirianResurgam Tue 02-Jul-13 11:52:37

Sorry to read this hayfeverrr.

OK, if I were you I think I would do:

1. Take time off work. Plead stomach bug. You can't 'carry on as normal'.
2. Proceed with termination assuming that is what you want and that you hope to reconcile with H.
3. Take some time to recover emotionally and physically.
4. Tell your H. Sorry but it has to be done. He can't in all honesty be too mad - he is just as bad let's face it.
5. Continue NC with MM and his wife. You owe him nothing and he's bad for you. You have told her the truth - you owe her nothing more.
6. Marriage counselling with your H. DO NOT LET him bully you - he started the rot with his affair and whilst 2 wrong do not make a right he won't have a leg to stand on IMO.

Good luck.

badinage Tue 02-Jul-13 12:34:57

Oh love, I do feel for you. I was on your other thread and I had a lot of respect for you owning your shit and not trashing your marriage in order to invent reasons for why you did this. Late to this thread, but I'm a bit non-plussed by some of the assumptions posters seem to be making about all this. On your last thread you were saying that when your husband confessed his own indiscretion from 8 years previously, your marriage was in a better place than it had been when he'd had his own affair.

I know some posters wisely queried whether you thought there was a link between his confession and the fact you started an affair a short while afterwards, but you weren't saying that and you hadn't made the link.

Maybe there is a link, maybe there isn't. I don't think anyone should assume it, because let's face it, it could have been just as much to do with what you yourself said on that thread; that you were feeling a bit bored and restless when you got back in touch with the old flame.

I'm so sorry that you're having to face this termination alone. It's heart-breaking. I'm also really sorry that the OM has been such a cruel, cold bastard. Personally, I wouldn't feel that bad about telling his wife about the pregnancy. I wish you hadn't done it by text and had spoken to her directly, because it sounds on this thread as though she's been appealing to you woman-to-woman and let's face it, she's hurting too and didn't have your choices sad. But it's no bad thing that she knows now her husband was lying to her about ending the affair.

I agree that you need to face the decisions you make about the termination, give yourself a bit of healing time and then talk to your husband. There's a risk that the OM's wife will get in first and tell him, but she might still be in such a state of shock from your text that she'll be trying to sort her own life out first.

Good luck love. I'm really thinking of you and in a cyber way, holding your hand.

beingmyself Tue 02-Jul-13 13:55:08

Op - I'm thinking of you and really feel for you. Lots of good advice here but virtually holding your hand too. Take care of yourself

OctopusPete8 Tue 02-Jul-13 17:38:59

I've noticed the OP has disappeared confused

yamsareyammy Tue 02-Jul-13 17:59:17

The op went for counselling last night, and is busy at work all week.
She has lots to think about and lots to do.

HeyFeverrr Wed 03-Jul-13 11:37:14

Thanks for all the replies, advice and food for thought. It has been really helpful.

I cannot tell you how touched I am by offers to come with me on Friday and by the PMs I have received. It is so lovely of you - dont feel I deserve it.

I have postponed the termination, as many of you suggested. I do feel I need a bit more time to contemplate whether it is the right decision.

Counselling at Relate was so helpful. Lovely, non-judgemental woman who helped me start to separate out the many issues. However, although she is happy to continue seeing me she also think I need additional counselling regardong the termination, and longer term, to look at issues wider than my relationship/s. I'm going to look in to that.

At work now, but will pop back later. x

I am glad things look a bit brighter for you Hey. You sound much calmer. More counselling sounds like a great idea, so that you can really get straight in your mind what it is you want.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Wed 03-Jul-13 12:01:41

I think that's a really good start. I hope you can now take the time to think about what is best for you.

DHtotalnob Wed 03-Jul-13 14:51:39

Hi OP.

I'm so glad you found the Relate session helpful (and what good timing).

You do sound much calmer, and in both threads you've come across as emotionally resourceful and level-headed. Good luck to you (although I don't think you'll need it).

PS: I was one of the people who offered a RL hand-hold, and that offer stands.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now