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End of Affair - update

(146 Posts)
HeyFeverrr Mon 01-Jul-13 11:04:44

I can’t believe I am posting this here. It is out of sheer desperation.

My original post is here. I really appreciate that most people did not flame me on that thread, and were in fact hugely helpful.

I found out that I am pregnant not long after posting that. It is definitely the OM’s, as I haven’t had sex with my husband for months. I went into a complete panic. Spoke to BPAS, saw someone the following day and got the ball rolling for a termination. I was in complete shock and did not handle this situation well, I know. I was changing my mind from minute to minute about what to do – tell the OM / don’t tell him, tell DH / don’t tell him. I asked to meet the OM (via text) to discuss ‘something important’ and he agreed, only to cancel the following morning. He called to say he needs to work on his marriage and doesn’t want to see me again etc. I was art work, about to go in to a meeting, and had to put the phone down on him, as felt I was going to cry and say something I would regret. I called him later to see if we could talk and he ignored my calls. I thentexted him to tell him my ‘news’, but had no reply. Stupid texts, I dont know why I did that. i was all over the place. Cue several hysterical texts from me over the next 24 hours asking him if he thought it was fair that I should handle this alone etc? I don’t know what I wanted or expected him to do. he has proved himself to be a complete bastard.

Over the weekend, I completely lost it. Texted him a few times begging him to at least discuss it with me. Eventually, I received a reply saying ‘you are obviously on the warpath and I don’t want to argue with you’. That was it. I just totally lost it, tried to call him, got no reply. Then texted his wife and told her. I don't know why. Out of spite , possibly. Desperation? I know it was stupid and immature and I do not know what came over me.

My emotions are a complete mess. I have heard nothing from either of them, anyway, so it was a pointless exercise. I have a gut feeling that he does not believe me. This is what hurts most. That, and the fact that I will now have to pay for and go through with a termination totally alone. I am also sick with guilt over keeping this from my husband, but cannot imagine how hurt he will be if I tell him. It is a complete mess, of my own making I know. I am just filled with rage at him, at myself, and terrible grief already, without even going through with the abortion.

I have a termination (by tablet) booked for Friday, and then have to go back for the second lot of pills on Monday. I have a counselling appointment with Relate (alone) tonight, that I booked before I found out I was pregnant. I have an incredibly heavy week at work this week. I feel like I am going to fall apart. But I can’t. I need to gather my strength and face this and do the right (or best) thing. I just need some kind of advice or some wise words from some stronger, better women right now, as I feel I am a complete fraud and no longer trust my own judgement.

I suppose if anyone is looking for a story that will put you off having an affair – this is it. It’s a complete joke. I regret everything. All of it.

AnAirOfHope Mon 01-Jul-13 12:22:06

Its your body if you want to keep the baby you can.

Tell your husband before Friday.

Leave om and his family out of it.

SoupDragon Mon 01-Jul-13 12:22:34

The OM is a cunt, they usually are.

It takes two.

I can't believe you told his wife and are now panicking about your H finding out. Very hypocritical. You need to tell him yourself. It is the only way to salvage anything from this because, I imagine, if he finds out from someone else (OM/his wife) then it's game over for your marriage.

Good luck for Friday.

AnyFucker Mon 01-Jul-13 12:22:37

What happened to your contraception ?

OnTheNingNangNong Mon 01-Jul-13 12:23:56

Soup- that didn't come out the way I had intended. I meant that he should now be taking responsibilities for his joint actions. He shouldn't be pretending it hasn't happened.

EldritchCleavage Mon 01-Jul-13 12:25:08

Then texted his wife and told her. I don't know why. Out of spite , possibly. Desperation? I know it was stupid and immature and I do not know what came over me

I am sorry that you are in such distress. It is awful to be so alone with something so huge and difficult. Can you ask a friend to go with you on Friday?

But once this is over, please be more honest with yourself than you were in the words above. You cannot excuse your own bad behaviour like this and expect to gain any clarity, or closure (or the forgiveness of your husband).

I see from the previous thread that your husband had previously admitted an affair. This must have been a massive shock and I'm sure goes some way to explaining why you did what you did and are doing what you're doing.

After next week, I think you need to tell him. Together, you can work out what you want for the future.

AnyFucker Mon 01-Jul-13 12:26:08

Correction: the contraception that was the joint responsibility of both of you

yamsareyammy Mon 01-Jul-13 12:26:14

Are you parents around, or a sibling?
Ideally, they would be able to support you through this awful and difficult time.

HeyFeverrr Mon 01-Jul-13 12:26:20

I'm not panicking@Soup. I don't think she will tell him, for various reasons. it isnt panic, its absolute guilt and self hatred. I am obviously feeling awful about the effect this will have on my DH when I tell him. That is why I ended the affair. I just didnt see this biting me in my the arse quite so viciously...

No idea@AF. I am mid thirties, know how to use a condom properly.

Branleuse Mon 01-Jul-13 12:27:55

you may know how to use a condom properly, but did you use one?

AnyFucker Mon 01-Jul-13 12:28:32

Can I just clarify something ? Did his wife know that her husband had been having an affair with you before you rang and told her your were pregnant ?

HeyFeverrr Mon 01-Jul-13 12:29:24

Eldritch - that is the honest truth as I see it currently. Perhaps I will gain more clarity? I acted out of spite against them both. Desperation and wanting some acknowledgement that I am PREGNANT. They were my motivating feelings, as fucked up as it is.

I do not want him back, if that is perhaps what you mean.

From the previous thread, I see that she did. (sorry to speak for op)

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 01-Jul-13 12:30:00

I was set to comment but have read the link you gave, that puts this in a slightly different light. It's a mess but you know that already.

OM I won't waste time over, his wife I pity.

Tell your H either before or after this weekend, ahead of any calls from OM's wife.

Call in sick at work, it may be a haven but you won't be able to think straight.

Have you any close family or friends you can entrust the children's care to when you tell H?

HeyFeverrr Mon 01-Jul-13 12:31:09

Yes@AF. See original thread if you can be arsed. She discovered it a few weeks ago. He wanted to CARRY ON SEEING ME and I ended it. It was the wake up call I needed - that may sound trite, it fucking isn't. I heard her voice on my voicemails. She was devestated and acting as crazy and spiteful as I have done. It woke me up.I saw the reality of what I had done.

shameshame Mon 01-Jul-13 12:32:51

I don't think OP needs anymore stresses and strains about what she did in a moment of extreme panic, that cannot now be undone.

I would stay ONE STEP AT A TIME. Your hormones are propbably going crazy right now. Save any life changing decisions until the week is out.

Is there at least one person you can confide in RL?

LittlePeaPod Mon 01-Jul-13 12:33:36

I read your note when you posted and I am struggling to show the support you need at this time because my view is people that have affairs end up getting what they deserve. It's called Karma! In your case it's pretty sad and very tragic.

All I can really offer is practicle advise. Don't contact him. Don't contact his wife. Tell your husband before someone else does and prepare yourself in case your husband decides to leave you. And most importantly speak to one of your close friends in RL. You need their support particularly with dealing with the termination.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 01-Jul-13 12:34:04

HeyFeverrr... I'm usually of the mind that if an affair had ended, it's possible for the cheater to keep the pain to themselves and not pass it on. Sometimes I think that's preferable. In your case I don't think it is just because OM's wife knows now. Your husband must hear it from you rather than somebody else. If he's had an affair before then this may not jolt him as much as you fear it will.

If you have a friend in RL they may not agree with what you've done but presumably, they love you and will support you through this. I think you need somebody who can do that, I really do.

If you really think that you can't tell anybody - your husband neither - then you'll have to terminate as planned and keep the secret to yourself forever, hoping that it never comes to light via OM's wife. That's a big ask of yourself. Are you up to it?

You have options; I think you need somebody to talk those through with. What about going back to BPAS or some other organisation and talking them through with somebody qualified to help you?

AvonCallingBarksdale Mon 01-Jul-13 12:34:32

What a mess. OP, you have to tell your DH - just be completely honest. You cannot hope to keep this all in - affair, pregnancy, termination. Even if you manage to "box it up" for a while, it will come back at some point. Tell him now (and it'll be slightly less worse coming from you than from OM's wife) and see what happens. This will hang over you forever otherwise.

AnyFucker Mon 01-Jul-13 12:35:06

I can be arsed.

The reason I ask the question though is originally I had the impression you called her up out of the blue to drop the "I am shagging your H, he has got me pg" combined bombshell. The fact it wasn't like that mitigates you somewhat.

TheWysticManker Mon 01-Jul-13 12:35:24

I will hold your hand too
few of us have NOT done things we regret later.
You are suffering greatly now and have found out in the cruellest way the the OM is no knight in shining armour but a low life, weak and pathetic man who does not even have the courage to deal with the consequences of his actions
I do think you will have to tell your husband. Secrets and lies of this magnitude cannot be hidden if you are to have any hope of rebuilding your marriage. I would tell him before someone else does.
If you were mt RL friend I would give you a big hug and a cup of tea and talk you through all the options.
One small step at a time
You will be ok. In the end, you will be ok.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 01-Jul-13 12:35:45

LittlePeaPod... Nasty post. On the other thread too. Do you search out for these to lash out on? Perhaps be careful that a little 'karma' doesn't visit you. hmm

AnyFucker Mon 01-Jul-13 12:37:45

What is there are complications from the termination ? Is it fair to expect your husband to help you if that were the case, if you don't empower him with the knowledge ?

AnyFucker Mon 01-Jul-13 12:37:50

*if

Doha Mon 01-Jul-13 12:38:08

Actually l feel quite sorry for you OP. I certainly cannot condone your affair or texting the wife but l think l can understand your desperation behind the texting of his wie.
Your ex will have painted you as a bunny boiling stalker threatening him with a phantom pregnancy in an attempt to win you back. He is a prize cunt trying to save his marriage at all costs.
You could if you really really wanted to sent both her and him the receipt from the clinic post termination to prove you were telling the truth and also to point out to the wife that he did not cut contact when oroginally he was asked to do so.
Or
You can forget the pair of them and concentrate on sorting your own pile of shit out. Is your relationship with your DH worth salvaging? Do you want to try? One way or another the truth always comes out and it would be best to be honest with your DH and be upfront-the secret affair will always be there between any relationship you have with him. Will he stay? could you blame him if he didn't? Could you risk rebuilding this relationship with the potential of it all come crumbling down at some point in the future.
As regards the pregnancy-cutting aside everything else what do you want to do? Is the booked termination a knee jerk reaction to the discovery? Have you given yourself time to really think about it, you could,if needed, go it alone and your ex affair partner would have to pay towards it's upkeep.
I don't envy you your decisions that have to be made. Is there anyone in RL that you feel you could talk to? You are really needing a lot of support t this time.

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