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Moving from being the OW to being his girlfriend...

(744 Posts)
beingmyself Wed 26-Jun-13 14:41:19

I've got my flameproof suit on and will start by saying I know being in an affair is a selfish and cruel thing to do. I did it. He did it. We decided we wanted to be together so after having an affair for several months we both left our spouses. He has moved out and so has my h.
We are not living together though and are not intending to for a while. We are also still secret and will remain so for some time.

Is anyone who has been there brave enough to come and talk to me about the highs and lows of finally getting to be together? I knew it would continue to be a rollercoaster and would really appreciate anyone who's willing to talk about it with me to do so here or to PM me!

Thanks

mirry2 Wed 26-Jun-13 14:43:23

At least you've parted from your partners so now you don't need to feel guilty

GetStuffezd Wed 26-Jun-13 14:43:25

CBA to moralise, but you do know you'll never be able to fully trust him, don't you? He can cheat without effort, lie to a partners's face. It's a matter of time before it happens again.

glamstretchmarks Wed 26-Jun-13 14:46:01

No advice but agree with mirry2 - at least it wasn't a long affair, and you have both eventually had the decency to leave your poor spouses.

You wont be able to trust him, nor he you, so it will probably end in disaster or stay distrustful. Time will tell.

ChipsNEggs Wed 26-Jun-13 14:46:26

Why did you make your husband move out? You were the one cheating so you should have left.

alphacourse Wed 26-Jun-13 14:47:54

Well done you for bagging a deceitfull liar. What a catch.

NotAnotherPackedLunch Wed 26-Jun-13 14:48:09

I guess you've now created a vacancy.
Will you ever be able to stop wondering which SituationsVacant column he's going to use this time?

AuntieStella Wed 26-Jun-13 14:48:11

There aren't any highs, except the relief that you're no longer a secret. A bit double-edged though, as secrecy tends to fuel an affair and although you hope a solid new relationship will emerge, it's by no means a given.

The lows are, I'm afraid, numerous. Especially if either of you has DC. Families tend to remain polite, but friends will divide. Expect to lose many - especially if you and OM had overlapping circles.

MexicanHat Wed 26-Jun-13 14:49:36

I really hope that there are no DC in this situation.....

Justfornowitwilldo Wed 26-Jun-13 14:50:00

'Moving from being the OW to being his girlfriend ...'

... creates a vacancy?

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Wed 26-Jun-13 14:50:52

so after having an affair for several months - in whose book is this not a long affair hmm - certainly not the person who has been cheated on, whose partner has 'checked out' of the relationship.

what goes around comes around - please look forward to that one.

it is still a secret - so neither of you had the decency to tell your partners why you were leaving them and have just left them wondering where it all went wrong. Brilliant. hmm

Why not post on another website - why pick one for parents, where a fair few are now single parents due to this selfish kind of behaviour? Surely there are websites for people who can't exert a bit of self control?

EldritchCleavage Wed 26-Jun-13 14:53:55

Well, I find it interesting that it is still a secret, even though you've both left your partners. Are you hooked on the secrecy? I'd say the biggest risk is not being able to adjust to the mundanity of an open, ordinary relationship.

glamstretchmarks Wed 26-Jun-13 14:54:02

Chipping - true, I guess I still have the ten and a half year example in my head...

Clargo55 Wed 26-Jun-13 14:55:29

Why on earth did your husband have to move out of his home?
You cheated, you wanted to be with another man, you should leave.

TSSDNCOP Wed 26-Jun-13 15:03:05

So in fact you are still deceiving your spouses, to whom you are both still presumably married.

Why is that?

It it because it will effect the settlement of potential divorces? I hope it doesn't screw any kids out of financial support.

Leavenheath Wed 26-Jun-13 15:03:09

Seeing as your relationship is still secret, it's still in that unreal phase where you can't act naturally and honestly. The only relevant advice therefore would be from people who also lied to their partners, children, friends and family about why their marriages broke up and how that impacted on all those relationships and not just the hidden one. Plus maybe some advice about how it's possible to continue to live with yourself as a liar. In other words how your relationship with yourself has been affected.

You might hear from people who say it's all gone swimmingly and they have no regrets, but bear in mind that people twist reality to fit the situation they are in and there is a tendency for denial to live on until they can face the truth.

GiveMumABreak Wed 26-Jun-13 15:04:13

My uncle left my aunt for his OW (and OW left her spouse too) yes, there were small children involved - 32 years ago (it was a HUGE scandal in our family some family members never did talk to him again!) they have been happily married for over 30 years - they are soul mates....

Take it from me - they never change!
Karma has come to bite me on the arse 2 1/2 years later.
It was all over the place at first.
The guilt he felt and the to-ing and fro-ing.
Really not worth it.
He's still a lying cheating scumbag to this very day.
I seriously wouldn't bother.
You won't ever trust him. You will always be on edge wondering if anything happening else where.
I'm sure there will be some happy stories along soon?????

glamourousgranny42 Wed 26-Jun-13 15:18:19

OP I personally hope that you and your man are able to find happiness together. Speaking as someone whose husband left me after he had an affair, it was difficult, but life goes on. He wasnt happy, i thought we were together for life, seems not.
All these people shouting about lying and deceit and never trusting anyone again, ignore them. You have to make a decision that is right for you. We only get one life and there is no extra time for being responsible for someone else happiness at the expense of your own.
It will be difficult for the children, but if their parents are happy, they will be too.
FWIW I think that not being open about the relationship is good as it means you are not rubbing your spouses nose in it.
We have a right to happiness and we cant responsible for the happiness of other people (adults). Look after yourself and your children and enjoy your new love

beingmyself Wed 26-Jun-13 15:19:00

My h moved out cause he'd never really liked our house and didn't want to stay in it! I gave him the choice of who moved out.

Our marriages were both close to separation before we met. I'm not saying that justifies an affair but more that our spouses aren't left wondering what went wrong as there were already problems which were being discussed in the context of separation. Of course we should have left earlier and not had an affair. But we didn't.

I trust him completely. I really trust my own judgement on him. All the threads on MN say "he won't leave his wife" and of course often men do, equally threads say "once a cheat.... Always a cheat" which I don't believe is always the case. People are individuals and don't behave the same way in every relationship. Of course I am not naive enough to think we don't have to work on ourselves and our relationship but fundamentally I trust him and he trusts me.

chipping - I posted on this forum as I am a parent and this is a forum about relationships. The title makes it clear what it's about so if it is going to offend people I would hope they would ignore it and rise above me if they are so much better than me!

The risk of not being able to adjust to a normal mundane relationship is something we talk about a lot and will work on.

The friends dividing is also something we have talked about a lot. I know we will both lose friends and that is something I am prepared for.

beingmyself Wed 26-Jun-13 15:21:53

glamourous granny - what a lovely kind post. Lump in throat now! Thank you

Vivacia Wed 26-Jun-13 15:22:35

I've just seen this happen in an extended circle of friends only the OW didn't have a partner. It's been difficult for all involved. The wife is heart broken, confused and knows less than any local in the pub. She's lost her home, her future, her children's father and her husband (although he's still acting like a friend in some ways - daily phone calls, daft texts, chores etc). The children are devestated. They are late to mid teens and other kids at school knew before them due to patents gossiping. There have been problems at school.
The husband seems to be doing fine, people aren't really judging him.

The woman he's had an affair with also seems to be fine, she's got her man and they seem happy. She isn't aware of what people are saying about her and has enough family and friends that she needn't care. She doesn't realise that her new boyfriend is still confiding in his wife.

Wellwobbly Wed 26-Jun-13 15:28:04

Hi,

why can't you be by yourself for a bit? Jumping from one relationship to the other smacks of dependency, and also HOW are you going to grieve your losses and your mistakes?

The end of ANY relationship is a loss, where is the mourning or are you just covering that up with a new high?

How do you know Mr Soul Mate won't come to mourn his lost relationship and dreams? What would you do if he became sad and depressed, would you understand?

Life has pain in it, and when we do things to run away from the pain (like affairs/instant new luurve etc), that pain doesn't go away, it starts collecting interest. Just saying.

Lweji Wed 26-Jun-13 15:42:04

TBH, I think you may have a chance that it will go well, eventually.

Yours sound more like get away affairs (assuming his was too), and you have left before you were caught.

I do think you should be truthful to your exs at some point, earlier rather than later.

Leavenheath Wed 26-Jun-13 15:42:42

Why are you still lying to everyone then?

BTW you sound like the poster who had a thread a few weeks ago who was trashing and criticising her OM's devastated wife when he said he was leaving her. He hadn't mentioned an affair to his wife either - and the OP had omitted that little detail when having relationship discussions with her own husband. Is this you again?

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