I feel like I've messed my life up

[morethanthis]

10 years ago I had a great career, great house in a cool part of London, brilliants social life.

Then we had 2 DD and I gave up work to move out of London. We moved at a bad time so did not benefit from London property prices (which shouldn't be important but I feel it is).

DH is now very happy where we are now but I'm not. He has everything he's always wanted. He earns OK money and covers the bills/mortgage but also spends a lot of money on his hobby.

I work part time but most of my money goes on things for the kids & house.

I feel very shallow but I just feel I don't like I have the life I wanted.

I don't feel DH has kept up his side of the bargain. I gave up my career but his has stalled and he doesn't mind. All my friend's DH's careers have rocketed over the past 5 years and DH's is going backwards. He works really hard but is capable of so much more. I think it is a genuine issue with him that he actively wants a job that is unsatisfying as a kind of badge of honour (I realise that sounds ridiculous but it does make sense).

I am more than happy to work harder and earn my own money, but it's twice as hard for me now as I've moved out of the area where I could have got lots of work. He claims he can't do any of the school runs or pick ups because 'he's too busy'. I also do all of the washing, organising etc etc. I get annoyed because he can't have it both ways. Either his career is the focus, so he gets on with it so we can have more money - or it's not his priority, in which case he can support me while I do.

He can be quite negative about things and it is getting me down. He often complains, makes excuses and puts other people down. He can be very sneering about successful people.

Sometimes I feel he acts like a teenager who pays his board but doesn't see the rest as his responsibility. He doesn't think we need to be saving for the children, or the future, he doesn't think we'll ever want to move again or actually do any improvements to the house we have now.

I do love him, and we are a happy family. I don't want to split up but feel very down at the moment. I hate being jealous of all of my friends but I don't know how to stop it.

I don't know how to make him see that I have made all of the sacrifices, or how to stop feeling like I have.

[waddlecakes]

How do you feel about the place you're living now? Is it a city, small town, what?

And how far away is it from London (aka, could you commute)?

[morethanthis]

I could commute, but not without DH's support. He would have to do school run in the mornings.

I just can't work out whether I should just go for it, make him do it despite the protestations and that currently I'm using him as an excuse.

I always wanted to be around for my children after school.

[waddlecakes]

Well personally in your situation, when it means so much to you, I would apply for jobs in London, go to interviews, and when you get a job, then tell him.

If his career doesn't matter to him, then this isn't fair.

If he even seems to take some weird pride in not caring about it, then why can't he let you work, give up his job, and be a stay at home dad? He can't have it both ways.

[morethanthis]

I think you're right.

Now both DDs are at school I feel it's my turn. I don't want to get to 50 and resent what my life could have been, just because I relied on DH to provide it.

[morethanthis]

I don't think DH would want to be a SAHD - but it might focus the mind a little.

[waddlecakes]

I really think you need to do it. Don't feel guilty about it, either. Tell him you are planning on looking for jobs, starting this evening. Stay calm and explain how you feel. I mean imagine when your kids grow up and leave home. You could already have been working at your career in London, and could then seamlessly move back to the city, rather than feel abandonned at home with nothing to do in a suburb/small town/whatever.

[Sparklysilversequins]

Look for jobs and tell him he WILL be doing the school run so you can work. This is NOT an unreasonable thing to ask for so don't let him make you think it is.

[morethanthis]

Thank you.

One of my regrets is that I contemplated keeping my zone 2 flat just in case we ever wanted to go back when we were old but DH said it would be too much hassle

No use crying over spilt milk etc.

[morethanthis]

Thanks sparkly, just what I needed to hear

[LEMisdisappointed]

You can make it work you could hire an au pair if he absolutely cant do school run school's have breakfast and after school club. As for wanting to be home after school only part timecwork really allows that. Thats a big issue for me too but you have to adjust ut should be a team effort. The school run can be worked around

[angel1976]

morethanthis I think you really need to do the career thing now. I was kinda like you, took redundancy at a job I had great promise at (also due to the job relocation to another city so can't blame it all on the family!) and took a lesser-paid less demanding PT job so I could be with the kids as my DH's career took off.

Guess what? My (D)H just left us. I now have had to go back to work FT earlier than expected. Also, I have had to seriously think about my career options and I thank fucking god that I am 'only' 36 and I can 'restart' my career still. In terms of childcare, can you ask around? I found a complete lifesaver in my nanny. She is about to start university and has been so flexible in her time to suit my needs. She comes to me once a week to take the kids to and from school. I will need her more when I start work FT and she is willing to try her best to fit us in. I know she walks two girls to school before she comes to me for the girls' mum and she charges her just for that hour or so. So you might be able to find someone who is willing to do that for you (as opposed to engaging a CM?) rather than relying on your DH.

Do not let your husband's needs overtake his. You need to step up on the mark if he isn't, otherwise you will resent it. There are ways to work around childcare, I have had a few parents offer to take on my kids when the need arises but I try not to impose on them until there are emergencies! In a way, the whole husband leaving has made me really take stock of my career and I'm glad it has before it's too late. Best of luck!

[juneau]

spends a lot of money on his hobby.

I work part time but most of my money goes on things for the kids & house

I agree with what the others have said about applying for jobs in London and good for you saying that's what you'll do.

As for the above bits of what you wrote, your DH is an arse. Sorry, but he is. You're working PT so you can pick up the slack at home, a job that needs to be done, that he is refusing to do, and for which there is no salary. In a marriage all money is legally shared and should be treated as a family income, not his money or your money. It should all go into the family bank account and each of you should have an agreed amount for your own stuff/hobbies/whatever.

As for not saving, do you not have ISAs, pensions, etc? If not, and he's blowing a load of money on his hobby each month instead of saving I'd ask him how he feels about living on about £140 a week, because that's the sort of state pension he can look forward to.

[morethanthis]

You're right Juneau. I don't know whether I'll ever make him see that.

I've tried saying that we should both get an equal 'allowance' but he always comes up with convoluted reasons why it's not practical.

[Biscuitsareme]

Sounds like financial inequality to me, OP, bordering on financial abuse.
I'd like to see you work FT again, with your OH working part-time, and you keeping your earnings to yourself. What would his response be?

[Lweji]

You do have to look out for yourself.

If you do get a job and start commuting he will have to do the school run, or you can find a child minder to do it for him you.

Lots of things can happen. He may lose his job, he might leave you, he might become ill (I hope you have good insurance, btw), and so on.
If you earn your own good money you'll be in a better footing.

And you should have a say on extra expenditure - and that means his hobby. He doesn't get to have an expensive hobby because you work pt to allow him the hobby and ft work.

[Leavenheath]

Get back on that career ladder as quickly as possible. He has a responsibility to parent and do the domestic work just as much as you and you'll need to divide up tasks so that you're not left with another full-time job when you get home tired each evening. If your children are old enough, start encouraging them to care for themselves more independently and at least with them, treat it as a family challenge. Make sure you get your fair share of nights out and leisure time too.

[morethanthis]

That's all food for thought.

He's a good man really, and does do his share of cooking, bedtime etc.

It's just the school run that we need to get sorted. I'm not sure if I can do anything about the money issue but, if I'm earning my own money, it will stop being a problem (buries head in sand)

[startlife]

Do restart your career, the childcare can be sorted. An au pair is an very good option but there will be other options to.

Essentially you have given control for your life over to DH and as you don't share the same dreams you're bound to be unhappy.

If you want to save for the future then the reality is that YOU will have to do it.

I'm in a very similar situation although H has a good career and I'm not sure that's the solution as his career has to come first and he's often away.

A counsellor helped me to see that if I want to work fulltime in a career role then I will have to find childcare solutions..ideally we would have a partnerships but it's sadly the reality of my relationship.

I would certainly get this off the ground - if you start to feel resentful it's difficult to get out of that spiral. I have perhaps left it too late and my relationship is in a very bad place as H is used to the status quo.

[JuliaScurr]

Restart career - there will be lots of options to get kids to/from school
Dh must understand it is important for you