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Someone talk to me emotional affair

(84 Posts)
sweetness86 Tue 25-Jun-13 20:51:05

Hi
I found out last year my husband was having an EA whilst I was pregnant.
He kept going out with his friends I must admit I probably did go on at him but he was out all the time I rang him and had a huge row I have two other children who are now 4 & 6.
He threatened to leave me that went off for a week I didn't eat or sleep I worried for my unborn son. He said he couldn't live with me anymore as I was vile basically.
He did leave for a night and then came home the next day still saying he was going packing his stuff and taking off his wedding ring and throwing it at me.

I begged him not to go I couldn't imagine life alone pregnant with small children too. In the end he stayed and said he wanted to make our marriage work.
Everything was going ok until June (he didn't want me to go to his works party in that month)

Instinct told me to check his phone and numerous msgs were swapped with a Dan but I couldn't read the deleted msgs it just showed in message log so I could see what was sent and when.
The messages were swapped after he has already come back a few days after.

I asked who Dan was he said a work colleague (male) I only suspected something as a Danielle had messaged him on Facebook a few months previous around the time of the problems.
I rang the number and she was a total cow on the phone told me nothing really so didn't help.
He admitted they had an attraction but it went no further than that? And they both were having relationship probs and she was just a shoulder to cry on.
I made him leave his job at that point only because an incident had happened a year before.

The first incident was a couple he made friends with at work the girl was 19 and I thought as he was friends with them as a couple it was fine.
They talked on Facebook for months he commented on her photos just sarcastic comments really but maybe hidden flirting who knows?

Then in June 2011 he didn't come back on time from work and said he worked late when I asked him.
This girl messaged me the next day saying he had gone to her house after work saying he needed the toilet he knew her boyfriend wasn't there as he just left him at work.
She told me she thought he was attracted to her as why would he go around when he was alone for a few hours ?
After I foud out he swore he didn't like her but she was nuts and loved herself I believed him.

All this has been eating me up inside he no longer works there and has been nothing but nice to me but does keep accusing me of looking at other men which he never used to.
I asked him last night of he liked the first girl and to tell me the truth he said he did Said he liked her tattoos! But wouldn't of acted on it!

I feel like a total mug he did admit he thought something better may be out there but now he knows he did wrong and asks me to move on and stop bringing up the past.

I don't know why he did any of it I'm relatively attractive I think ,so hugely dented my self esteem.

I would love to know peoples opinions on this if he had the chance with the first girl would he have taken it? Also would he have left me for that girl last year? He swears that wasn't the plan he was leaving because of our problems.
Could u forgive ? I'm 26 I don't want to live this life in regret of staying with a liar who I can't trust. He's so nice and friendly no one would suspect him to be untrustworthy

I need honest opinions pls

sweetness86 Wed 26-Jun-13 10:23:36

You are right TFT. My friend who is a tarot reader did my cards yesterday for the first time in years all the bad cards came up it was the worst reading I've ever had telling me to be cautious something bad was coming.
Im not into spiritual things that much I did it as a one off for some guidance.
My friend said it was a negative reading and to be careful etc does not fill me with confidence but what will be will be.

Will post back later if I can thanks again.

tightfortime Wed 26-Jun-13 10:13:55

The eye opener is tough alright. I found MN after all mine happened, just wish I'd found it sooner...

Bide your time until next week but be careful, he already senses something is up and playing nice. This won't last.

sweetness86 Wed 26-Jun-13 10:12:13

Thank you DDRB and TFT

I will let you know what she says I cant act for another week as it is because of the money situation.
So glad I own the car so he can't have that I'm so worried I know the shit will hit the fan soon and I have to act normal.

Coming on here has been an eye opener to what I've put up with for a long time.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 26-Jun-13 10:06:16

Reading your posts following from your first was shocking. Please get out while you can still walk. With 3 little ones it doesn't seem to me you can risk your safety staying with this man. It is not being fake or shallow or treacherous to figure out an escape from a man who treats you like he has. Marital rape? Threats? Temper? Smiling Mr Nice Guy to the rest of the world. Don't worry about people being surprised by you leaving, bullies like him put on this phoney exterior for workmates and drinking buddies. What do they know about how he treats you. We believe you.

tightfortime Wed 26-Jun-13 10:00:18

Show her this post and go from there if it's tricky

tightfortime Wed 26-Jun-13 09:59:59

Tell her everything and remember, he's been deceitful here; not you

sweetness86 Wed 26-Jun-13 09:55:22

Thank you I am not saying anything to him I'm going to act normal as shallow as it sounds he gets paid next week I need to hold out for that as I will need to put some by till I sort out my finances.
I feel very deceitful for how I'm acting , my Mum is visiting in an hour I'm going to tell her I don't know what she will say.

tightfortime Wed 26-Jun-13 09:48:20

Not weird at all.

The 'guilt' comes from being a 'nice person' who hates keeping a secret or going behind someone's back. But he has been doing that to you for years. Difference is, he didn't feel guilty.

But this is the calm before the storm, before he knows. Until he has to know, stay quiet and be normal a spossible, while doing all your preparation work as getting away from an abusive partner is often the time they are most volitile/persuasive/scary.

sweetness86 Wed 26-Jun-13 09:42:24

I have not slept much. I have spoken to him on the phone this morning at work he sounds all chirpy and being nice.
I can't help feeling this guilt that im planning to leave him and he's doesn't know anything.
I won't discuss it with him till I've got a plan my middle son is at nursery this afternoon and the next two days. I'm planning to really sort this out when I have sometime to myself to think.
I feel guilty though I can't help it is that weird?

MrMeaner Wed 26-Jun-13 00:24:01

Sorry to hear everything you've been through.
Your initial post was bad enough, but I was willing to give him some benefit of the doubt if he'd cleaned up his act (although I do think he slept with her).
Sadly it's clear that he's actually a complete twat and potentially a scary one at that. How on earth a father could say 'I hate you' to his baby I don't know - imagine what they will feel like when they start understanding what he is saying.
And yes, I'm afraid he raped you.
Good luck - I hope you can make it out and find a better life.

sweetness86 Tue 25-Jun-13 23:33:47

I don't work in family law I work for a business unfortunately so would have no joy there in regards to advice but their may be someone I can contact and ask.
I need to plan how I'm going to do this. Thanks again will be back soon.

AnyFucker Tue 25-Jun-13 23:30:00

we will be here x

tightfortime Tue 25-Jun-13 23:26:18

We'll be here tomorrow. Best of luck

tightfortime Tue 25-Jun-13 23:25:19

He should be the one to go, not you. It's the family residence. Can you get a barring order? I'm not in uk so not sure if you have the same system there but surely a colleague would know? You might have to buy some time here, but hurry

sweetness86 Tue 25-Jun-13 23:24:51

He knows something's wrong he's asked me today.
I need to go as I'm sure he will be up soon.
I will be back tomorrow , thank you I don't know you but you have helped me see sense I needed to hear this .

AnyFucker Tue 25-Jun-13 23:23:47

You need more support yet. Don't do anything until it is in place. Start talking to your friends and family. Perhaps see a solicitor for a free half hour.

If he gets physical/throwing things around, call the police. You could also consider reporting his historical rape of you

but tell him nothing

this is imperative

tightfortime Tue 25-Jun-13 23:23:29

Legal secretary? Anyone at work who can advise you?

Xales Tue 25-Jun-13 23:21:38

Women's Aid and a refuge as soon as you safely can tomorrow with the kids. Keep the off school unless that will arouse his suspicion and get away from this abuser.

sweetness86 Tue 25-Jun-13 23:21:02

I'm the only one to deal with the landlord I know him well enough he would rent it to me on my own.
I'm a legal secretary I don't earn a lot but I would get by. I'm only part time at the moment I would have to see if I could get any help.
How do I do this ? I don't think he will just go I don't want the boys here it would scare them.

tightfortime Tue 25-Jun-13 23:19:36

He senses there is a change, guard your phone

AnyFucker Tue 25-Jun-13 23:19:25

Clear your phone right now and make sure you log out of MN. Remove all history. If you have had any pm's make sure you don't get a corresponding email.

tightfortime Tue 25-Jun-13 23:18:42

And to revert to your original post, he is playing away. One more reason to let this energy and life sapper go. You came on here to vent, to question, to confirm you're not going mad.

You're not.

One step at a time but reclaim yourself sweetness

sweetness86 Tue 25-Jun-13 23:18:01

He's downstairs he has not long come home from work. He's at work all week I have money saved in my account of I need it not a lot but enough to keep me going.
I don't know what to do?
I'm on my phone he doesn't use it but I will clear it as yesterday he did check phone as soon as he got home from work which he's never done before.

AnyFucker Tue 25-Jun-13 23:17:10

So you can afford the rent on your own ?

Ring CAB and/or Women's Aid and see what their advice is re, taking his name off the rentbook. Broach it with your landlord in confidence (unless those two are mates or summat)

tightfortime Tue 25-Jun-13 23:16:48

Yes, tomorrow, start gathering your life back and get help.

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