I think I want out of my marriage but am I overreacting?

[saggyandsad001]

This is the first time I have posted on MN and would like a little advice I think about what I should do as am twirling from one point of view to another..

I've been married for 7 years together for 12 (I have two DC from previous relationship) we have one DC (3yo) together. Twoish years ago OH had what was at least flirtation with junior at work for around 5 months (dinner, drinks, nights out, texts emails etc) ,possibly phyiscal although he denies this, but he was besotted with her. It took a while before he would even agree not to see her socially, wouldnt leave his job or look for another.

At the time I was working 12 hour days in the city and had a SEN baby. He was working away most of the week out all week hungover when he got back home etc. He was in short a pig. I got pregnant within months of finding out (drunk desperation sex!) and had an abortion as I was damn sure that if I kept it I would possible have two SEN babies to bring up alone. Worst mistake of my life so please do not judge.

Finally after another crisis (he took her out for a drink) last year he agreed that he would find a job by this May so he could be at home....He hasn't really looked at all...every time I asked I 'pressured him' apparently. All this time the junior has been working for him...I just found out he is about to promote her so that she will continue to report directly to him and that he turned down two jobs close to us in the last year that were offered to him (not interviewed just offered) and he didn't tell me let alone discuss

I have told him I want a divorce..I can't carry on. When friends who know what happened ask me I feel ashamed that nothing has changed in a year...but on the other hand he is promising a fresh start etc, loves me yah de yah. I think all this has made me quite depressed and am lacking confidence terribly...I don't think they see each other anymore but why is it he won't come home?

[Dahlen]

You are not overreacting at all. Ending this marriage is the only solution if you want a relationship in which fidelity counts and you come first. HE has had more than enough time and made it clear where you rank. I'm really sorry.

[JaneFonda]

Firstly, no one will judge you for having an abortion. You did what you felt was right at that time.

You can't change him. He has had more than enough chances to change things, and hasn't. He has been dishonest and left you doubting yourself, and with no self esteem.

Don't feel ashamed - any friends who make you feel that way are not worth having. It's hard to end a relationship, especially when DCs are involved.

I think you should go to the GP if you think you're depressed - they could really help you.

If you're struggling, think of your DCs. They deserve a mum who has enough self confidence to not be trodden down in an unhappy relationship, and I am sure they would rather see you happy by yourself than depressed with your DH.

[SenoritaViva]

I was all ready to come on and say give it your all etc. but I think you have. It is your husband that hasn't. You've been forgiving and given him reasonable time. I'm not surprised you want a divorce and have nothing to be ashamed of.

No wonder you've lost your confidence your DH has been treating you without respect nor valuing you or what you have. You don't deserve this. Rebuild your life and your confidence.

[loveliesbleeding1]

Just remember this is not your fault, he chose to do this can you be completely sure that nothing is still going on? He is showing you no respect whatsoever , I think you have been unbelieveably patient with him, maybe he never thought you would be serious about divorcing him?you are worth so much more than this x

[Mabelface]

I think you've under-reacted in the past. You deserve far better. Leave him to be with his little junior whilst you get on and have a fabulous life without him. He's been a pig.

[minniemagoo]

Talk is cheap and he has in no way given you any confidence that his promises are for real. You should never be ashamed or embarrassed for trying to save your marriage. He is the one who should hang his head in shame at failing his wife and child. Hold your head up for surviving and move on. X

[saggyandsad001]

Thank you for your replies...they made me cry as I guess I am afraid to make the next step. He can be the sweetest, kindest man,as long as we live life they way he wants ie just get on with it and brush it under the carpet.

He says 'you don't have a bad life' to me and that he provides everything financially. Materially I am fortunate and now am a SAHM although worked full time til 18 months ago. Emotionally I am as lonely as hell...I admitted to him that I had been making plans for the future with him moving to our dream home to fill in the time as we have nothing else to talk about..

I do very sadly love him and I always will. I am no angel at all and hate the way I talk and treat him sometimes but the ongoing destruction of me over the last few years has been gradual and insipid. I have threatened to go in the past but have not had the courage. I'm not worried about money or scared of him. It's the loss and finality of it all that terrifies me.

He has always been difficult to reach, closed and cold and at the same time alpha male and life and soul of the party. I don't think he has changed...I have in that self preservation is making me realise that it is my marriage that is making me physically and emotionally ill and affecting the way I parent and actually awlays has. My LO has some additional needs and I don't want LO brought up around the tension and arguments and selfishness that the much older siblings witnessed with my OH..

If you left this type of relationship how did you make the first step? I am a planner so I will need to do this with a plan in mind. xxxx

[AnyFucker]

Yes, divorce him

he wants you to keep the home fires burning while he has fun with Ms Office Junior

don't stand for it

[lotsofcheese]

OP, the situation you describe sounds intolerable.

Perhaps it's time to plan an exit strategy eg getting back to employment, legal advice, building up circle of friends.

[Phalenopsis]

"He says 'you don't have a bad life' to me and that he provides everything financially."

Translation: So shut up and put up with it woman.

Get all your documents together concerning the house and bank accounts and get down to the CAB/solicitor for further advice.

[saggyandsad001]

Yes that is exactly what he means! He always forgets I worked til quite recently and it was only after everything happened he finally 'allowed me' to give up so that I could attend LOs numerous appointments and educational needs

I will work it's in my longer term plan and I think I could go back to what I did if need be sooner. I will start looking at our paper work for everything ...he is completely obsessed with money...I think that maybe a reason he doesnt want a divorce

FFS when I read my posts back I realise how low I have got and how pathetic. xxxx

[JaneFonda]

You're not pathetic at all. It sounds like you've slowly been worn down by him controlling you.

You don't need to think about what he wants - what do you want? If you do get a divorce, your children will be looked after financially so that is one less thing to worry about.

It worries me that he 'allowed you' to do something - he shouldn't 'allow' you to do anything, you are a grown woman with children, no one should tell you what you can and can't do, and you certainly don't need his permission for things.

[LineRunner]

God almighty.

You sound amazing and he doesn't. Please find your best financial way out of his life asap. Don't give an inch, especially not in name of an 'amicable' settlement. He will shaft you.

And never regret an abortion. You did the right thing for the right reasons at the right time.

I wish you a lot of luck.

[wendybird77]

Oh god yes, leave! He sounds incredibly selfish!

Do ensure that you get copies of all financial paperwork before he realises that you are serious about splitting. Get a good, fierce solicitor and then let them hash it out.

So sorry you are going through this, but it does sound untenable.

[fengirl1]

Saggy, would I be right in thinking you deal with all of LO's stuff on your own? I had one of those - and while I loved him, stood by him and put up with all of his shit, looking back he clearly didn't love me (and finally admitted it). You say you love him, but do you love how he behaves towards you? Therein lies your answer.

[saggyandsad001]

Sleepless night...I agree I do love him but am sure that he doesn't love me and have said so to him which he denies..Ironically I was in a similar situation with my older DC's father (10 year relationship and I didn't love him) so I remember how easy it was to be cruel and selfish but we were very young at the time. Karma coming to bite me !

You are right I can not continue and I will start gathering paperwork and find a soliciter....I think he will make it very difficult especially as at the moment he won't entertain the idea. I think he sees it as a reflection on himself and he doesnt want to losethe big house blah blah the egotistical idiot

[saggyandsad001]

I have to confess the final straw for me was him watching some twenty something wasted blonde leggy girl (who was the spit of his junior I saw that and he couldnt take his eyes off her) at a party on saturday.

I went to talk to friends and she was throwing herself at him (was wasted and clearly needs glasses) and pawing at him...he did not try and stop her!!! And he hates being touched. When I asked him about it he said she was telling him he was very attractive....he then said that he lied and instead she was talking gibberish. FFS it's like being in the playground with him and his ego.

I will not miss the disgusting rows.

[evelynj]

A the risk of sounding controversial, maybe it's worth another try from a different angle.

Have you thought about counselling? If there is love still there it may help, if not at least you will be able to communicate better which is a bonus if splitting up as lo is main concern.

It sounds like you have accepted behaviour that you normally wouldn't as it's been a vulnerable period in your life. He hasn't behaved well. Perhaps if it's spelt out to him what a Pratt he has been he may be willing to chAnge. I'm in no way excusing him but I think if there's a chance that a marriage can be saved then that's the way to go. Still have your exit plan whatever happens as you know you are leaving with your head held high.

Best of luck

[onefewernow]

Definitely leave. He thinks he has got the measure of you and that he can do what he wants without consequences.

[ageofgrandillusion]

You're only here once OP. Life us waaaaay too short to spend it with somebody who makes you feel so shitty all the time. LTB.

[MadBusLady]

He has always been difficult to reach, closed and cold and at the same time alpha male and life and soul of the party.

A bit narcissistic maybe? It's all show, once you get closer to some people you find there's nothing there behind the "life and soul". Seeing divorce in terms of losing the house is a similar thing. Who thinks like that??

Good luck taking the first steps, OP. IF (and it's a big one) he is going to do a genuine turnaround and realise what a knob he's been, it will only be as a result of the serious prospect of losing you. He needs to see some consequences, what he does about them will tell you all you need to know.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

The Resolution site is full of useful info about divorce, and can help you find a good solicitor. It's where I found mine. I tried to get my Ex to do it the Collaborative way, but he wouldn't. So we had to do it the hard way - had to begin court proceedings to get him to address financial settlement. Sol was excellent! I looked for an experienced woman sol, pick one who qualified a decade or more ago to ensure this.

[saggyandsad001]

Hi.I have tried talking to him, shouting, pleading, writing letters, being overly nice, letting him have control and not resisting....everything and anything and we tried relate once. It was me who didn't want to go back as he seemed to spend his time trying to charm the counsellor (didn't work). I think you are right I have long suspected that he is a narcissist

I have booked to see a soliciter tomorrow morning early...it's the first time I have got this far...thank you ...I have decided I don't want to be unfair and want to work on a fair settlement all round finances and custody tho I know he ironically wouldnt fight me for custody anyway...would probably interfere with his new social life as there would be all those young leggy blondes to chase after!

[TheSilveryPussycat]

Make sure it is fair to you, think what you want out of this to move forward with your life.

You might want to check out the Emotional Abuse thread - twas my lifesaver.

[WhiteBirdBlueSky]

This is the plan I had. I was mulling it over for ages, but steps 1-7 took just over a week for me. I felt very, very lucky that I could afford step 3, and that part will make all the difference. It sounds like you're comfortably off for money, so that will be a big help.

This plan might not be right for you, but you mentioned plans so I thought it might help.

1. Find a house suitable to rent. Doesn't have to be perfect.
   

1. Photocopy all financial info, mortgage, pensions, savings, payslips etc.
   

1. Transfer enough money into your own account to cover 6 months rent and whatever you'll need to set up a new home/living expenses for 6 months.
   

1. Book removal men.
   

1. Tell him.
   

1. Tell the kids.
   

1. Move out.
   

1. Enjoy your life.