Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Can I forgive this much deceit?

(708 Posts)
alphacourse Tue 25-Jun-13 06:45:07

I am trying to figure out whether I can stay,have couples counselling, and try and work things out. Or....whether it is just too much betrayal and deceit. My mind swings between the 2 on a twice daily basis.

Background: DP has cheated on me with 2 women. He met with each one 4/5 times during my recent pregnancies. He has also met up for drinks with a few more. He met then through married affair websites.

I found out about the websites 10 weeks ago, and about the women 3 weeks ago. He followed the usual script of denial, deleting, minimising etc. Then I was contacted by a woman and he had to come clean.

He has started psychotherapy to deal with his issues. He says it was about the buzz of getting girls to be impressed by him.

How do I work out what to do for the best? Obviously he is desperate to work things out. I am prepared to listen at the minute. We have 3 DC. 2 are very small. Help me to make sense of this please!

Jux Sat 05-Oct-13 11:08:58

I didn't want to suggest it, but I agree with you.

alphacourse Sat 05-Oct-13 10:38:32

My guess is that he hid the mail to make things tricky for me to leave him. Can't prove it though. It was for something that is in my name but he always paid for. I have filled in a form for court asking for the judgement to be set aside as I didn't receive the original summons. I can but hope. Makes things really hard for me now though!

Jux Fri 04-Oct-13 17:32:44

I don't know anything about the scans, I'm afraid. The CCJ - you don't know what it's for? I had one for something I had paid but which their records were wrong. I could prove I'd paid it so (eventually) it was scrubbed from the face of the Universe; took a while though.

I have also had post nicked by a mad old bat who wanted the flat I was in for her granddaughter, so went through the communal mailbox every morning. I caught her at it once, but didn't trust that to make any difference to her, so rang all utilities, credit card cos, bank, etc, explained and had mail addressed to work.

How is your mail going missing? It is illegal for someone to take post which is addressed to someone else, I believe?

alphacourse Fri 04-Oct-13 14:02:17

Bugger......

2 things......

Firstly - I can't get the house at the moment as I have a CCJ against me apparently. First I knew about it! It would appear that my mail has been going missing hmm

Secondly - just got a letter through from neurology. Apparently my EEG showed sharp waves and transients over the left temporal region which are suspicious and provide some support for the liability to focal epilepsy.

Anybody any idea what that means?

This is shit. How much more shit can I have heaped on me?!

alphacourse Tue 01-Oct-13 08:56:36

Luckily I am better off NOT being married as I own a 2 bed flat which I rent out. He doesn't own anything. One bonus!

He is going to therapy - but, as our joint counsellor said, an hour a week isn't enough. He needs group therapy and anger management as well. But life is calmer without him here. No walking on egg shells. I can't see, at the minute, why I would want that back. That doesn't mean I am ready to move on totally and let him go emotionally...but it is baby steps.

Wellwobbly Tue 01-Oct-13 08:16:51

Yes, change does happen.

And one thing al anon talks consistently about, is letting go and patience.

You will only let him back in your life when 1. he demonstrates he is looking at himself in therapy (my H claims this all the time but no evidence of change, his behaviour is still all my fault) and 2. he puts his ££ where his mouth is, preferably in a binding contract called marriage.

Seriously Alpha, I am SO GRATEFUL that a judge will be telling a man who doesn't want me or that contract to exist because I am now highly inconvenient to him, how he is going to behave and what he is going to pay. The only thing that bullies fear is bigger bullies. And the legal system (because marriage is a legal contract) is backed by men with jails.

alphacourse Mon 30-Sep-13 21:36:59

I hadn't thought I had - but now I am thinking about it there are changes. DC2 started nursery 2 mornings a week last week. I started my counselling sessions today for myself. I start my masters in a week and a half. I danced until 2am Fri night. Got hair extensions. Lots of trips/nights out planned. Deposit on house. Managed to get DC3 to take the odd bottle. It is a start. I still melt a bit when he sends the emails, and the "God, you are so beautiful" texts. The emails are full of our plans for retirement and how he misses our sunday routines and fun etc. But I try and put my MN hat on and remember "actions not words". I keep trying to list in my head the things I love about him, then discount them as bollocks one by one: loyalty, protective, family man. That helps, as I end up thinking "well - what CAN he offer me?". Fake it til you make it. He is def starting to panick!

ProphetOfDoom Mon 30-Sep-13 20:03:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ProphetOfDoom Mon 30-Sep-13 20:01:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

alphacourse Mon 30-Sep-13 19:46:26

I know what you mean. I started with small things - like arranging night out for the next 6 months. Then I applied for my uni course. Made plans moving forward that didn't involve making a decision about him/us? That felt easier. I think things feel more positive when you have something to look forward to. And you are busy!

dhisawanker Mon 30-Sep-13 19:07:03

I want to be moving forward and im still in a sort of limbo xxx

alphacourse Mon 30-Sep-13 18:50:13

wanker - which part? It all feels like a cluster fuck still I'm afraid!

Thank you for your reassurances that I haven't turned into some sort of psycho!

Nothing back on the medical front yet. Did have scans and biopsy for the bleeding malarky though. Still awaiting neurology results.

Start my course a week on Sat!

Also <drum roll>.....I put a deposit down on a house on Saturday. I also went out on Fri night with a friend and ensured I looked a bit damned fine. Twatface's jaw dropped as I sashayed past in my backless dress with my heels and hair extensions and smokey eyes grin

Funnily enough he has been all sweet nothing emails since. I keep repeating...ACTIONS not words. Then ignore.

Wellwobbly Mon 30-Sep-13 18:45:45

I am so glad this has been brought up, I am also being told I am insane, made his life miserable, he tolerated abuse...

mixing up my traumatic reaction to the affair with my unhappiness before.

But there is a part of me that thinks: was I really abusive? (before. I know I attacked him when my world blew up).

Wow, Mos. You go, girl! Can you tell us more about the switch? What made you realise you were DONE?

dhisawanker Mon 30-Sep-13 18:36:28

I want to get to this stage!! xx

ProphetOfDoom Mon 30-Sep-13 18:20:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ageofgrandillusion Wed 25-Sep-13 15:10:52

All i would say about the hitting alpha is that when you are in a horrible relationship, you do things that are out of character. I have seen this happen so many times with people. That, for me, is the best reason to get out of such relationships - because they make you do things that you wouldnt normally do and you start to dislike yourself as a result. It is a horrible, shitty feeling. Put simply, this guy bullied and ground you down to his level. You are so well away from the wanker.

alphacourse Wed 25-Sep-13 14:54:52

Thank you Mosman - that really helps. I generally have good self esteem, which is why I am so surprised that I seem so paralysed. He had his individual session today with our couples counsellor, and our joint session is in 2 weeks time. I will e interested to see what he says about how it went - he sent me a text to say she was "straight talking and direct" and that he liked that.

Mosman Tue 24-Sep-13 16:59:59

I am having the most marvellous life without him alpha, I laugh in his face when he brings it up and pretend to berate myself about having such a shit aim that I missed knocking him out on each occasion.
Honestly I spent months and months where you are and then one day the switch flicked and I thought fuck it and fuck him. I'm dating, having a laugh, new job, new friends who only know the single happy me and its great.
When you get to Uni you can reinvent yourself completely and start directing your life on your terms.
It'll be fucking great grin

alphacourse Tue 24-Sep-13 14:44:42

yes, it is all they have. That and the snooping he has caused. It doesn't make it ok though does it. He brings the snooping up too - I hacked his hotmail account a while back. Funnily, he is able to communicate about these two "wrongs" but not his!

alphacourse Tue 24-Sep-13 14:19:56

Yes Jux - just him.

alphacourse Tue 24-Sep-13 14:18:10

Are you still with him Mosman? How do you react when he brings it up?

Mosman Tue 24-Sep-13 13:15:45

I've never hit anyone in my life but punched DH - dickhead- five seperate occasions as he drip fed the full extent of his bullshit to me - he still brings that up regularly too - let's face it its all they have isn't it? They behaved appallingly and we reacted badly.

Jux Mon 23-Sep-13 17:03:55

How many people have you slapped? Just him? Thought so.

Repeat what Twinkle said. Tell him he's lucky to still have both bollocks.

alphacourse Sun 22-Sep-13 16:49:02

I agree that he is deflecting the blame. However, the slapping him is still an issue isn't it? It is inexcusable and I am ashamed. How do I ensure that I don't do it again - his wrong doesn't excuse mine does it.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now