Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Am I too strict with my husband

(70 Posts)
Rassiyaan Fri 21-Jun-13 12:54:46

Hi everyone,

I would really like your honest feedback on this, as if I'm wrong I definitely want to know so I can change the way of my acting.

First of all I have to say that I am generally very happy with my husband. He is great especially during my pregnancy right now and takes good care, helping with the household, cooking etc.
However even though we are extremely happy with each other most of the time, there is one topic we always start fighting about and it seems to be getting worse.
My husband has (in my opinion) a big problem with money. I knew that he wouldn't be the main provider for us financially from the beginning and honestly I don't mind because I do earn enough to take care for both of us. Not that I earn plenty of money but enough to pay all bills, groceries etc plus a few luxuries like dining out, activities and so on.
I think however that it is important to save some of my money as well and to not spend every single penny of it. Again, I'm not talking about large sums but maybe £200.
He however thinks that all the money I'm earning should be available to him and that whenever he asks for it I have to give it. In the beginning I would give him money when I had it but now that I'm pregnant my view has change a lot. One reason is that I want to make sure I have purchased all necessary items for the baby and the other thing is that I really want to start saving money for the child from the time he / she is born.
It seems that he also realised that I got pretty firm with this opinion and he now started to simply take money from my bank account without even asking me. Over the last 3 months he took £1,000 and every time he will only tell me he took after he has spent it already. I got some of it back but in fact only because he asked some friends to deposit some money, which he had planned to later take again but I refused to give it to him.
Anyhow, I don' want this post to be getting too long. Where I need your feedback is the following. After the above mentioned incidents I decided to not give him any large amounts of money anymore, as I am still waiting to receive half of the amount back, which I doubt to ever receive. Some days ago he ask me for another amount because he wanted to go to a match and I refused saying that now that he has a job and he is not paying any of our bills, he should have planned this into his expenses and saved the money to pay the tickets for the match.
I actually offered him to give him part of the amount he asked for but not the whole amount. His response was to throw the money back at me, saying he can't do anything with that small amount of money and I should give him more because I just received some money from my family to buy some more baby stuff.
from this day he doesn't talk to me anymore and sleeps in the living room (now today this would be 5 days).
Am I wrong in thinking that he should cover his own personal expenses with the money he earns since I am not asking for any contributon from his side for our mutual expenses?

Would really appreciate your thoughts on this.

TC

Rassiyaan Fri 21-Jun-13 14:08:34

Thank you all for the feedback.

I do know that it is largely my fault as well and don't get me wrong I would like to have a joint bank account but I just know that I would constantly end up having to get some extra money for necessary bills to be paid, because if he wants something he will simply take it without thinking whether we would actually need it for something more important.

To answer some of your questions.
1) yes we are earning different amounts of money. That is why I am absolutely fine covering all expenses. I don't hope for sharing household expenses because I know eventually I would anyway have to pay it on my own and might end up in trouble if I count on his money. The only thing I want him to understand is that he cannot always have every little thing he wants when he wants it but might have to wait or simply give up on it.
My family was teaching me from early times how to deal with money, so I can say that I can manage money very well and even though I do not ear £20K a month as mentioned by Thurlow (which I wish I would smile) I never have to ask others for money, as I learned how to live according to my budget. That's all I expect from him actually - living according to his budget.

2) Is it my bank account. Yes it is. Believe me I know it's my own fault and you can for sure blame me for it. I once gave him the card as we needed groceries and I had to work late so asked him in the morning whether he could do the grocery shopping. Up to that time he never took money without asking but when he returned he told me that he had to take some hundreds of GBP extra because he needed it.
I was of course furious and we had a long discussion about it.
So time went on and I believed that would have been the only incident that he would ever do so. Next time he told me that he is so sorry but he urgently needs to buy shoes for work since the ones he have broke and he doesn't have the money. So I said fine I give you the card one more time but mentioned several times to not take any additional money except for the shoes, as this was a month I need to pay some more stuff so really needed the money. I know I know shame on me and I'm the only one to blame but again £300 were gone additionally to the money for the shoes. From that day of course I never gave him the card again and I'm not planning on doing so.

3) Day care. I am going to be off for about 2 1/2 months and then return to work. We first said that he would then stay at home and take care of the baby. As he wouldn't earn I would have paid monthly a certain amount of money to his account to spend on himself.
Right now he is thinking of continuing work, as it looks like he gets a promotion. Then the plan is that he pays a larger amount and I pay the remaining amount. This way he would still have some money for himself. of course not as much as now but neither would I.

4) Why are we together. As mentioned he is generally a great guy and besides having these phases where he feels like he is not living the life he deserves to live he is such a great husband.
He simply can't understand that in order to live such a life you need to work hard to get there. I have to say he got better with taking jobs seriously now that the baby is on the way but of course he has lost 30 years of his life doing either nothing or so called quick "business" which always ended up in him having large debts.
I can totally see that the strategy he's using on me is the same he is using on his mother. First he will ask very nicely and be the sweetest person ever and then when he realises that this time she will not give him the money he completely freaks out shouting and yelling and stops talking to her. So I guess it's difficult for him to change and grow up now. However I just don't think I have to spend my ENTIRE salary for his high-maintenance lifestyle only because in marriage you are supposed to share everything.

Anyhow what to say, I thank you so much for letting me know your thoughts because as Dahlen said he is really good in turning things around. And even though I do see it, I sometimes start thinking whether I am too harsh and unreasonable with him. But this time I think I have to definitely put my foot on the ground as I need to make sure I get the baby stuff together rather than making sure he wears the right denim from the right brand with matching shoes.

TC

LEMisdisappointed Fri 21-Jun-13 14:12:24

I am a SAHM, i bought myself a pair of shoes today - i paid £9 they are actually very nice. However the ones i really wanted with £29 - i didn't buy them because its not MY money, i didn't earn it. Yes, I can have whatever i want from DPs earnings, he would have bought me the £29 pair of flip flops but i didn't NEED a pair of £29 flip flops so the £9 pair will suffice. When i am earning my own money - i'll buy the shoes/stuff i want - otherwise i'll keep my spend to a minimum.

Rassiyaan Fri 21-Jun-13 14:18:18

And by the way, the money I have left for myself is not higher than his in fact it's less. In the last 6 months I have in fact not bought anything for myself but spent the money on furniture (since we just moved), stuff I needed for work or as mentioned baby stuff. Have to mention that I also got help from my family with furniture and baby stuff as otherwise we would still live in a half empty apartment...so on this way a big thank you to my great fam smile.
Just to prevent the answers saying I'm so selfish because I keep tons of money for myself and don't give him anything wink.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 21-Jun-13 14:20:48

"he feels like he is not living the life he deserves "

People who think they deserve special treatment and/or are entitled to better without actually putting in any extra effort are not IME very nice people. I'd go so far as to say it is a 'red flag' personality failing. Stealing because he thinks he 'deserves' to dip into your cash whenever he feels like is not the action of someone who respects you, let alone love you. The way he treats his mother, the 'spoilt brat' crap shouting and yelling when he doesn't get his own way ... is appalling. He's already turning the same treatment on you and you should be well and truly warned. This is the real him and he is not a great guy.

You're very wise to keep all your money separate because, based on what you've already said, should your disposable income ever get squeezed (and that's not something you can always control) this guy will turn even nastier or just hook up with some other rich gullible woman to finance the lifestyle he thinks he deserves.

Keep your eyes wide open, change your bank card and read him the riot act....

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 21-Jun-13 14:23:32

If you have a little time can I recommend you read this article. I'm genuinely worried about you.

LadyInDisguise Fri 21-Jun-13 14:26:04

Well he will have to grow up. FAST.
Have your tied to put a budget together of your outgoings, incl the childcare for the baby so he can see for himself what it actually means.

Then have a joint account, put some money in, he puts some too and has to do what ever is left. No more 'borrowing' money from you.
Include some money to be put aside for 'family activities' such as holidays, going out to the restaurant etc...

TBH, you really need to ask him for some financial contributions. He can't be earning something and keeping it all for himself.

Ther best situation would be to only have a joint account but it looks ike it's too early daus for that. He needs to learn to control a budget first (perhaps do a weekly review with him on spending etc... so he can see for himself how careful you need to be?)

PearlyWhites Fri 21-Jun-13 14:27:15

Normally I would say couples should pool their money. I find his and her money odd. However your dh thinks his money is his and so is yours. He is behaving appallingly and needs to grow up sharpish before he becomes a father.

YellowTulips Fri 21-Jun-13 14:27:35

OP your latest post certainly adds more colour to the situation.

He is being very selfish and it sounds like this behaviour is pretty well ingrained.

In my last post, I said you should sit down and talk it through - I am less sure now. I am not at all convinced he is capable of having a sensible conversation about money and less so that even if you did come to an agreement he would stick to it.

Do you know what he is spending his money on - for example the two lots of £300? Where did it go?

So...I have chenged my view. I don't think he can be trusted with money at all. He needs to live within the means of his on pay check (I think he should cover some family expenses as well, but that's up to you).

I really hope he is a really good partner in all other respects, because personally I am not sure I could put up with this - it just feels like hugely selfish behaviour, espcially in light of your pregnacy.

tigerlilygrr Fri 21-Jun-13 14:30:03

OP you seem like a thoughtful and very considerate woman. Please read these posts really carefully - we agree with you 100%, if anything we think you're being unfair to yourself. I say this because you still seem a bit worried that we'll think you're selfish, when we're saying quite the opposite.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 21-Jun-13 14:31:26

People.... he yells at his own mother when she won't give him another handout!!!! He's vile.

NonnoMum Fri 21-Jun-13 14:31:44

We have a rule in our house...

Don't spend over £50 without mentioning it to the other person first.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 21-Jun-13 14:37:28

He uses his mother for cash, he uses the OP for cash. He's a sort of nasty gigolo in matching denim.... hmm

K8Middleton Fri 21-Jun-13 14:40:11

Good grief where do you women find these man-boys? And why do you marry them? This is the umpteenth thread today.

Op, sit down and have an honest conversation with him about household finances: bills, groceries, savings and spends. You should both agree what spending money you each have per month and once it's fine it is gone. Have a joint account just for bills with no card. Monitor this account daily and if he cannot control himself (and if he can't I seriously I don't know how you can stand to let such a baby near you) then close the account. No second chances.

Change your online banking login and the PIN for your card. Do not give him you card any more.

Does he have a gambling problem or something? Where is the money going?

Hullygully Fri 21-Jun-13 14:47:37

oh just tell him to fuck off

Viviennemary Fri 21-Jun-13 14:53:48

I don't think separate accounts work when one person earns a lot more than the other and finances are kept separate with contributions from each. I know a couple of people who have this separate accounts arrangement but they both earn around the same amount.

There is another thread where the gender role is reversed and people were talking financial abuse because the wife didn't have completely open access to the DH's acoount.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 21-Jun-13 14:55:53

And did the wife on that thread go sponging off her father and then shouting and screaming when they failed to pony up the dough....?

YellowTulips Fri 21-Jun-13 15:08:14

Viv - its become clear this isn't about money - he has money, he just doesnt want to live within his means.

It's about a man who is deeply selfish and self entitled and treats those he loves in a way I personally find quite distateful.

He also sounds like he has shit dress sense - double denim indeed hmm

JustinBsMum Fri 21-Jun-13 15:08:19

Stop apologising OP. You have nothing to apologise for. He is just being a twat.
What the heck is he spending hundreds of pounds on?
There would be no issue here if he was behaving like a normal person but someone who regularly blows hundreds or even thousands of pounds with nothing to show for it and no justification for spending it is a complete twat and needs to grow up. He should pay half the house running costs and then anything he has left he can spend on himself - sorry, that's nonsense, it should read - then anything left is saved for the future or some of it used on a 'treat' eg meal out or day out for all the family.

Rassiyaan Fri 21-Jun-13 15:09:25

CogitoErgoSometimes you really made me laugh today, some of your posts are just written in such a funny way - thank you for that.

And to tigerlillygrr I would like to say thank you so much as well. I did see that a lot of posts confirm what I was thinking. But the reason why I feel like I have to make things very clear is that I get to hear comments like in e.g. Viviennemary's post more than enough. Of course DH will mention it and there seem to be many people who don't seem to understand that a shared account is not at all an option for me simply because I would have to be always scared that tomorrow the money is gone and nothing is left for the things we have to pay. Because as mentioned I earn enough but I am by far not rich or wealthy but worked myself up to a level where I can live a comfortable life without having to worry paying for all my bills and some extras but I could definitely not cover paying the amount of money for bills twice because it just vanished from the shared account, which would be the way to go in marriage in many people's opinion. And don' get me wrong, every couple who can manage a joint account truly is envied by me.

Honestly I do not know where the money was going last time. I know he owes some friends money and also his sister, so he might have used it for that. The other time he used it to buy cigarettes and trying to sell some of them as he gets them cheaper from friends...smile writing this it is sad but I have to laugh because it's just so ridiculous...

Rassiyaan Fri 21-Jun-13 15:12:38

forgot to mention that of course no profit has bee seen so far from selling the cigarettes smile...

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 21-Jun-13 15:14:46

You're quite right to keep the finances separate. If you gave this man access to all the family's money he's go through it like a slug through petunias..... You'd have nothing.

I wish I could share your sense of the ridiculous but I'm not getting it. I'm just sad and angry that you're wasting your life with this offensive, immature, lying, tit.

I'm also worried about what happens when your baby arrives. Even if you leave the thieving and disrespect out of the picture, a man that selfish and shallow is probably not going to take kindly to a baby hogging the limelight and cramping his style

Rassiyaan Fri 21-Jun-13 15:15:00

and when I said matching shoes I actually just meant shoes who look good with his denim not denim shoes. I might not have been clear as English is not my mother tongue blush
...I have to give him at least credit for his fashion sense smile

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 21-Jun-13 15:16:20

If English isn't your first language you might not understand the word 'ponce' .... but that's what you've got, in every sense of the word.

Rassiyaan Fri 21-Jun-13 15:18:55

I hear what you're saying CogitoErgoSometimes, believe me I do. But I guess it's my way to cope with it without getting completely depressed.
Anyhow I definitely need to think things through and make things very clear with him. I don't want to leave him right away, as I believe we should at least really try hard before we give up. But believe me when I say that I might be naïve but not that naïve to not realise that things are going wrong and have to change.
The main reason for he post was just to see if my way of thinking was truly right or if the blame is really with me...

amothersplaceisinthewrong Fri 21-Jun-13 15:20:36

You seem far too grateful that he helps with the cooking etc. So he should - he is not being "great", - he is just doing exactly what he should=, his bit.

I think he is treating you like some sort of doormat. No way would I put up with this sort of behaviour. Right, I am now off to google cocklodger.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now