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DP doesn't want to marry me, moved out we continued a relationship now he says he doesn't want to go on holiday either

(88 Posts)
Auntienokids Mon 17-Jun-13 22:31:26

I met my DP 9 yrs ago, we had an affair and he left his wife and went back shortly after, we didn't speak for 2 yrs, he got a job away from home and made contact after some soul searching I went to see him and we became a couple, he moved near me in his own house 4 yrs ago. When his tenancy was up we decided to move in together and he lived with me. He had asked me to marry him. After a year he moved out, he said he didn't want to marry me and didn't think we would go the distance! I was sad but also partly relieved having lived alone for 12 yrs being with someone full time who worked from home was stifle-ing. This wasn't a deal breaker and we decided to carry on seeing each other at weekends which was more suited to me and my lifestyle.I thought we could, as a mature couple I'm 48 DP 56 have a nice life as a couple together living apart. When he moved out I decided to go on holidays with friends as when he lived with me with his work schedule and lack of money because his wife is still in their home having all bills and mortgage being paid! he didn't have funds. Now trying to get him to go on a holiday together he has said he doesn't want to go on holiday with me! The thing is we have a great time when it's the 2 of us and we have a great sex life and same humour etc. My sister thinks he is "tight" with money and a control freak and that I pander to him and he sucks me in. Do I stay with him and redefine our relationship or move on, I love him and I know he loves me but I'm not sure if this is enough. Writing this out I'm uncomfortable with how this makes me look, I'm a professional manager but reading back I come across as a put upon woman! assistance appreciated

Auntienokids Wed 14-Aug-13 22:52:07

Thanks Hissy, yep , learning life lessons, you know, it was good at 1st, the last year living together I realised what I don't want...to live with someone, I'm happiest in my own space with a high level of freedom. Some of the OPs made me smart in the earlier discussion, but it's hardest to be honest with yourself and to read about you and your relationship through others' eyes forces you to confront your values and beliefs, best therepy ever!

Hissy Wed 14-Aug-13 20:02:01

Bloody well done! Enjoy the rest of your life! You've got a lot to make up for.

Remember you have been cheated from having a full and happy life, please don't allow that to happen to yourself again?

Auntienokids Wed 14-Aug-13 19:27:25

You're right Elsie, it's funny how some time, space and distance can allow you to see things more clearly. I realise now that I was a convenience and I feel liberated. I've had the best summer for a long time and made up for time. I suppose that's why I haven't been that upset because I'm not getting over a proper relationship. Spain on Tuesday for a week and already booked South Africa next Feb....whoop whoop! fist punch! have a good evening. smile

Elsiequadrille Tue 13-Aug-13 22:49:39

You are much better off without him. It wasn't a 'proper' relationship.

Auntienokids Tue 13-Aug-13 22:44:35

Hi Ops, if anyone's interested I have an update. Following your advice this is what happened. I carried on seeing him the weekend after the discussions with Ops. I reminded him I was going on holiday with a girlfriend at which he said he might go to Dubai! I ask you, the cheek! when he said he didn't want to go away with me due to work and financial constraints. I challenged him and said we hadn't been away and it was not fair on me blah blah blah! he stormed out back to his flat. I phoned my dsis I was so angry. Anyway I went to his flat and he said he wasn't going to discuss anything. I said how dare he storm out of my house. I then asked for my house key back and remained calm and just pointed out that he was being horrible to me and I deserved better. I left. A few days later I texted him with the intention of speaking to him to end it. He said he was vulnerable and couldn't speak he needed time to get back on his feet and work things through. I left it 2 weeks with no contact either way. Before I was going on holiday I wanted closure. I phoned him and thought I would test him and asked where do we go from here? he said he was hurt and angry etc at some of the things I said. I thought, no way are you gonna get the better of me so I said that I had texted him 2 weeks earlier to end it, that the 2 weeks had made me sure, that he didn't put me 1st and I wasn't gonna be his f***ing doormat anymore and that I thought he was a jeckel and hyde and had a personality disorder, he tried to speak but I just said "goodbye" and that was 5 weeks ago. I texted his friend and he said it was best we were both unhappy!. Anyway I went on holiday and again last week and going again next week and the weird thing is....I'm not upset, not cried. Yes there are times I think about him but haven't really missed him. I have thought about his behaviour and gone over things and now re-read the OP comments. I just wanted to say thanks you gave me the strength and clarity and I feel in control of my life and it feels good. Hope there's some hope for others.smile

I agree you should take the initiative and end things now.
A simple text will do.
I don't want to be with you anymore. Don't contact me.
End of conversation.

FWIW - I've been in very similar situation, so I am not judging you. And 2.5 years on and a lot of too-ing and fro-ing, have come the conclusion that they don't change. They will always cheat and they will always be fuckwits.
Time to find ourselves a good guy. Good luck.

springytat Wed 19-Jun-13 13:08:34

'She' sounds like a huge part of your relationship. Bit crowded.

Despite your insistence that posters like me 'desist' from posting, except with 'constructive' advice, I am here and I am posting again.

I was surprised at your lofty outburst in response to my post. I am also surprised at how seriously you take your own life, and your grubby affair. Leukaemia or not, it has been a grubby affair. You have been taken for a long ride.

It also occurs to me that the sorrow you are experiencing is indeed you reaping what you have sown. You either do it consciously or it is visited on you. It has been visited on you.

You made no mention in your OP of your 'sorrow and guilt'. I still see no evidence of 'sorrow and guilt'. You say that two years of penury were your penance. erm no, that was a natural consequence.

BIWI Wed 19-Jun-13 09:05:53

I'm not unhappy with our arrangement, or unhappy on the whole with us I just want more investment from him

But you are unhappy! Because you want more than he is prepared to give you.

I'm sorry that you feel so sad. But the only way forward is to make is clear to him that this 'relationship' really is over. Don't wait until he tries to contact you. Take the initiative for once, and tell him you have had enough.

(And next time, choose someone who is available ...)

LIZS Wed 19-Jun-13 08:55:10

she would have happily divorced him 9yrs ago before me but couldn't bear he had found someone else
she won't divorce him because of pensions etc
He told you that ? If she had taken the least bit of legal advice she'd know that wasn't true. And the rest, he's been playing you along, feeding you lines . Sorry he has no intention of divorcing her or marrying you, probably never had. Why would he change the status quo when he doesn't need to ? When you want to change the rules it leads to anger and argument. Do you know his friends or are you kept away ? Do you know his family , as his partner in the same way as he has met yours ? Clearly you have invested more in this relationship emotionally than he has.

Whocansay Wed 19-Jun-13 08:40:04

OP, you seem to think you know what he has said to his wife, and what she has said to him. In truth, you have absolutely no idea. You are letting this man spin you a line and it will not end well for you. You sound terribly naïve.

Find someone who loves you and let this one go.

Auntienokids Wed 19-Jun-13 08:10:35

Thanks Cats, and he did say to me (and her) that he would do this...divorce. I've reflected a lot over the past few hours and spoken to my dsis, I said he wasn't always a total dickhead, as far as our relationship is concerned he's definitely got lazy, he brings me flowers each week, compliments me but everything about us is his agenda, I'm a "go with the flow" type person as Dp said, I'm never gonna die of a heart attack, but the result is we have just drifted along and I haven't taken the time or space to take stock of what I want and what's making me happy...well over the last 2 days I have and I have 2 choices , I can carry on as before which tbh, is probably easiest for both of us, it may sound strange but I'm not unhappy with our arrangement, or unhappy on the whole with us I just want more investment from him e.g. holidays etc. but when I look in the mirror I know that he really doesn't want to so I can't allow myself to spend time with someone who won't put me first. Other things that have happened have made me realise that he's keeping me to himself, he's not interested in going out with other couple friends etc, he is subtley controlling......siob...gotta get on with my life now and move forward, My dsis says I have lots to look forward to, I just think of my little nephews 3 & 2 and that makes me smile. Boyfriends come and go but my family are my world.

catsmother Wed 19-Jun-13 07:52:02

There's a big difference between " won't " divorce him, and doesn't want to divorce him. It's not simply up to her - and perhaps him claiming that "she won't" is an all too convenient get out clause for him to stop things with you developing any further.

IIRC, you can divorce after 2 years separation if you both agree to it, and after 5 years separation, even if one party doesn't agree (plus of course on the basis of other grounds like adultery or unreasonable behaviour). Either way - once they've been separated for 5 years he can divorce her if he wants to regardless of her feelings. If he really wanted to cut the ties with her I'm sure he'd have researched all this, have conveyed it to you and would be talking I'm sure about that 5 year point with an eye to his future with you - and he isn't is he.

Yes -you do deserve better.

Auntienokids Wed 19-Jun-13 07:31:20

Therealfellatio, thanks for early morning response, just going to work, it's strange how the ordinaryness of the day and mundane tasks bring things home to you, I'll never put my make-up on when he's lying in bed, share our in-jokes etc. she won't divorce him because of pensions etc and definitely does not want him to marry me, if he pre- deceased me obviously I would get a widows pension which I'm not interested in as an aside. His house is up for sale and this time he is taking the reigns,,I've seen it on Rightmove etc. He has been tip toeing around her and I've colluded in that and well...here I am! You know when you're heart feels heavy? that's where I am...I just keep picturing him and listening to him saying the hurtful things and think,,,NO! I deserve better.

TheRealFellatio Wed 19-Jun-13 06:59:12

I think the fact that 3 months ago you thought marriage was on the cards is very telling. I think your discussing marriage as if it were inevitable, and possibly trying to pin him down to a time/commitment to it have made him panic and run. He is not even divorced is he? Sounds to me like he doesn't really want to be.

I think his wife has accepted that they have a civilised 'modern arrangement' and so long as no-one puts any pressure on him either way he's quite happy, and she's if not happy, then at least pragmatic. So it was working nicely for everyone but you. You made the mistake of not knowing your place in this 'arrangement'. And now you are paying the price.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Wed 19-Jun-13 06:58:24

What good did you think would come of sleeping with a man who would cheat on his wife? Did you think you were so fantastic he would never mess you about?

Yes - you have been deluded. The other woman often is.

Next time you get involved with someone, have the sense to do it with someone who at least has the potential not to be a cheating, lying fuckwit.

Auntienokids Wed 19-Jun-13 06:42:11

Hi all, yep he had hairy cell leukemia, saw the doctor and nursed him through the treatment...no doubt.
I spoke with my dbrother last night, he said "fuck him off" and text him it's over...nothing like a 40 year old man to cut through the shit! I've been thinking it over and DP has actually made it easy for me on reflection because he's been such a shit. We had a bust up on Sunday so he may not contact me again but my dsis said if he does tell him it's over and if he doesn't then I don't have to do/say anything. I can't believe how quickly my relationship has unravelled! 3 months ago we were living together and marriage was on the cards, now bit by bit it's being dismantled. All of the posters that have answered constructively, THANKYOU, you have made me see it for what it is and I've been deluded, you've all given me a chance to regain my dignity and empower me.

mynewpassion Wed 19-Jun-13 06:25:09

I know its not the a good thing to say but...Good for the maybe-not-so-ex-wife for taking the 50K. She probably deserves it for all his cheating. I am sure the OP wasn't the first woman he cheated with.

bigTillyMint Wed 19-Jun-13 06:12:31

Fellatio, that's exactly what I thought too.

Get out and move on - life's too short.

TheRealFellatio Wed 19-Jun-13 06:01:27

I thought exactly the same as Anyfucker. I don't think the ties are severd from his wife to quite the extent that you think they are. You sound like a long term mistress - still.

duchesse Wed 19-Jun-13 05:49:00

Can you actually be deemed to be in remission after only 3 years? I thought it was 5.

Do you have objective proof that he was actually ill? I only ask because faking illness is also in the EA palette.

Auntienokids Wed 19-Jun-13 01:14:14

There are statutory reasons and evidence of facts I am unwilling/unable to discuss. Suffice to say they are not spurious allegations. I hope you understand, whether convinced or not. I'm thinking that I'm gonna have a shit weekend and will have a cry. Almost wanna be there now and get into wallow mode, not self-pity just grief and loss. DP was diagnosed with Leukemia 3 yrs ago now in remission but it puts thing in perspective and we went through it together for what? to end up apart...

Auntienokids Wed 19-Jun-13 00:49:57

Thanks Duchesse, I think you're onto something we met at work he was hi-flyer . me mid- management, lots of sex appeal associated with work, now I'm still at work and promoted , DP retired but running his own companies, he's not the alpha male in the workplace and I'm not the tactical operator when we met. Now I'm involved in cutting edge business whilst he is in the weeds about developing his business, dynamics are different

badinage Wed 19-Jun-13 00:49:24

How very fortuitous for him that you've got no way of corroborating his lies.

Next steps?

You just say that you're not getting what you want or need from the relationship and want to end it. I wouldn't bother getting into long explanations about why - just stick to the unassailable facts that you don't want to be in this relationship any longer.

Then start seeing the whole relationship through a vastly different lens to the one you've had - and have still got to an extent now.

You've been royally conned and unfortunately, there's been quite a bit of believing what you've wanted to believe, despite the evidence that's been jumping out from the bushes and screaming at you to notice it.

duchesse Wed 19-Jun-13 00:44:24

* all the facts

duchesse Wed 19-Jun-13 00:44:11

If you don't have any communication with them, how then can you be sure that you know the facts?

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