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Read his divorce papers - not looking good for me :-(

(63 Posts)
PepperPotter Sun 16-Jun-13 18:43:04

He's told me bits and pieces about why they divorced but the jist of it has always been that she was moody, aggressive, violent, lazy etc etc and although he never said the words - he made out that he had divorced her - saying he got sick of her in the end and couldn't put up with her any longer.

Well we've been living together just a week and I found and read his divorce papers.

SHE divorced him on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour stating that he was jealous and controlling throughout their relationship, not letting her have friends and driving away the friends she did have. He was controlling with finances not involving her in any financial matters (insurance, mortgages etc) and all such info was kept on a computer which was passworded. She said he was verbally abusive, often telling her that he didn't love her, didn't care about her and only cared about their children and that she should be happy she had someone willing to feed and clothe her. She said he was even more verbally aggressive after a drink. She also said he never showed her any love, affection, intimacy or compassion and was cold and emotionless towards her. She went on to say she had to ask him for money if ever she wanted to buy anything for herself or the kids and it would depend on his mood whether he agreed or not. She topped it off by saying he turned physically abusive and went on to describe an incident in which he kicked her and prevented her from getting into bed.

This has shit me up - more so because I've seen signs of all of this shit and just not acted on it telling myself I was being paranoid and over-reacting. On 3 different occasions he has become verbally abusive towards me after a drink. He's never tried to prevent me from going out but lately has made it awkward for me to do so and makes it obvious that he's not happy about it. He's insisted on sorted out all of my insurance and if ever I need to phone anyone (utilities/insurance etc) he insists on doing it for me. I thought he was just being helpful. His computer is indeed password protected (I just never bothered as I have my own laptop anyway). He does tend to withhold intimacy and despite it being a relatively new relationship, we can go a couple of weeks with no sex and it only resumes if I instigate it. During arguments he has made me cry with some of the things he's said and watched emotionless as I break down in front of him.

Anyway - as I said the incidents in our relationship are so far and few between that I have let it go telling myself it's all in my head but what has really pushed the button upon reading the divorce papers is the money situation. As I say, we've only been living together a week and we did our first grocery shop today. He controlled the whole trip saying we couldn't buy this, that and the other as we were saving money. I wanted to buy a plant for £2.50 - he said no as we couldn't afford it and then 10 minutes later went and bought a fryer for £20 that we didn't need.

I can't tell him I've read the divorce papers but I'm shitting myself over it - would I be naive to think that was their relationship and she could have pushed him to behave like that whilst our relationship is totally different? I have burnt bridges to live with him. Shitting bricks.

NeverBeenToMe Sun 16-Jun-13 18:46:11

Get rid. You know you have to.

Who moved in with who?

AnnoyedAtWork Sun 16-Jun-13 18:47:10

Sorry it doesn't sound good.if you were not seeing red flags then perhaps you could argue she might have made it up but you ARE seeing these red flags! Do not ignore ... Run a mile I say. Sorry. I was in a relationship with a controlling guy for 2 yrs and had to get counselling to be brave enough to leave. He wasnt physically violent but these things rot your self esteem. Get out.

ImperialBlether Sun 16-Jun-13 18:48:15

What are the bridges you've burned? I would do anything I could to get out of this situation.

Steben Sun 16-Jun-13 18:50:18

You say you have burnt bridges to live with him - can you expand? And also can it really be any worse than entering any further into a situation which is clearly going the same way as his first marriage. Good luck with whatever you decide to do OP thanks

LondonBus Sun 16-Jun-13 18:50:37

During arguments he has made me cry with some of the things he's said and watched emotionless as I break down in front of him.

I'm not sure why you are still with him tbh....

wellthatsdoneit Sun 16-Jun-13 18:52:25

Get out now before you burn any further bridges.

ThedementedPenguin Sun 16-Jun-13 18:52:36

How long have you been together? You say it's a new relationship.

If it were me I'd leave.

AnyFucker Sun 16-Jun-13 18:53:09

So, what are you going to do?

SoupDragon Sun 16-Jun-13 18:53:23

would I be naive to think that was their relationship and she could have pushed him to behave like that whilst our relationship is totally different?

Er... Yes you would! Unless you have also pushed him to behave like that, given you have already seen signs of this behaviour from him.

Get out now.

delilahbelle Sun 16-Jun-13 18:53:40

Exit strategy. You know NOW what he can be like before it get's worse. Start thinking about what you need to go to move, get your friends to help.

Tortington Sun 16-Jun-13 18:55:21

LTB

AuntieStella Sun 16-Jun-13 18:55:27

Burnt bridges can be replaced by new crossings.

I think you need to look at your admin, and make sure you do things like keep your own bank account. If the issue is joint property, that is more complicated, but it's never insoluble. Quietly coming to understand what your practical options to leave would involve will give you the knowledge that you do still have choices.

And it looks as if one choice you may want to make now is not to put up with shit from him. If he has just flopped lazily into an old pattern without really thinking about what he's doing, then it could all be remedied. But do be careful - if he is set in unpleasant ways, then it can only lead to a very unhealthy relationship.

AThingInYourLife Sun 16-Jun-13 18:55:52

You would be worse than naive if you tried to blame his last victim for her abuse and continued to ignore the obvious warning signals of where your relationship with him is heading.

You didn't just read his divorce papers. You read your own future.

Or at least the version of it where you don't get away from him now that you know for certain what he is.

Sparklysilversequins Sun 16-Jun-13 18:55:53

Christ on a bike! No kids, not married, do one NOW!

akaWisey Sun 16-Jun-13 18:58:52

Thankfully you've had irrefutable evidence of this man's lying to cover his nasty history. It should all make sense to you now.

Get out. Or you'll be in his ex's position sooner than you think.

annabel1234 Sun 16-Jun-13 19:00:14

He lied to you about the divorce papers and the reason the marriage broke up. He is an emotional, financial, and physical abuser and he has NOT changed. Of course he's not too bad (in your eyes) yet - you're not totally under his control yet. If he really had changed would he have done those things to you over the last few months? Can you read back a few of those things to yourself? If your friend said her partner made her cry and then watched her with no emotion whatsoever, what would you say? You'd tell her to get out as soon as she can. There examples you've provided do not happen in loving, trusting, respectful relationships. They just don't.

You've now discovered what he is, and I hope you find the strength to get out now before it gets worse. You don't need to tell him you read the divorce papers etc, you can just tell him it's not working for you and the relationship is going to end. That's all you need to say. Don't give him an excuse to minimise and blame you. His wife was not at fault and neither are you.

WeAreEternal Sun 16-Jun-13 19:03:19

Ignoring the divorce papers, everything you have said throws up huge red flags, what you have read in the papers, although it may be exaggerated, just confirms his behaviour is controlling and worrying.

You've only lived together for a week, it can only get worse.

Honestly IIWM I would be getting out as fast as I could.

ajandjjmum Sun 16-Jun-13 19:04:35

This must have been a dreadful shock to you, but I truly believe that in time you'll look back and thank God (or whoever) that you found this document.

Good luck in sorting yourself out asap.

ChasedByBees Sun 16-Jun-13 19:10:33

Can you rebuild any of those bridges? I think you need to leave regardless.

Did you challenge him on the fryer? I'm just wondering why you'd put up with being told what you can and can't buy when the same doesn't apply to him. I think even without having read those papers I'd have been thinking of cutting my losses TBH.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 16-Jun-13 19:13:41

Does burnt bridges mean you've moved location? dumped someone else? quit a job? made yourself unpopular? ... Regardless, you know what you've read is not some wild exaggeration and you have to act. May take some short-term pain to get rid of him but it'll be worth it. Best of luck

NatashaBee Sun 16-Jun-13 19:13:42

Get out, now. The longer you stay, the tougher it will be.

As another respondent wrote, burnt bridges can lead to new crossings.

You have already made mistakes here re him and have minimised his behaviour, do not further compound this error of judgment by remaining with this controlling man. He has lied to you repeatedly and likely from the very beginning. He probably was "your knight in shining armour" originally. Perhaps you were in a bad place yourself when you met. That often happens.

He certainly did control the whole grocery shop today. That is just one part of your own miserable future with this guy if you were to remain together.

Plan your escape from him with care, such men do not let go of their victim easily.

I would also suggest that you enrol on Womens Aid Freedom Programme in the longer term as such men can and do take some considerable time to recover from.

whitesugar Sun 16-Jun-13 19:32:32

Try to turn your feelings of fear & shock into feelings of relief and gratitude that you did not go down the road his EX travelled. When I read your post I just though thank goodness you found out after one week and not ten years. Say nothing and make plans to leave. It doesn't seem like it know but you are very lucky to have found this information. I wish you well for the very different future ahead of you, take care of yourself.

whitesugar Sun 16-Jun-13 19:33:15

Try to turn your feelings of fear & shock into feelings of relief and gratitude that you did not go down the road his EX travelled. When I read your post I just though thank goodness you found out after one week and not ten years. Say nothing and make plans to leave. It doesn't seem like it know but you are very lucky to have found this information. I wish you well for the very different future ahead of you, take care of yourself.

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