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Does anyone have a partner who is utterly tight with money?

(35 Posts)
alltoomuchrightnow Thu 13-Jun-13 17:59:32

As in, spending money on you or you both as a couple. ie birthday, anniversary, just for the hell of it, night out etc.. Do they spend little - or nothing at all. If so..is it just the 'way he/she is'? (ie not just down to being skint, as is in my DP's case).As in, If they had the money, they'd be the same. We rarely go out as I can't afford to pay for two. We've been together four years and only once has he bought me flowers, and that was only because I cleaned his house from top to bottom (and i mean really deep clean) before I lived with him. It's not like i expect him to pay his way if we were to go out. I've never been like that with any man. I would always go 50/50. But he can't afford his share (and when he does, doesn't want to) and i can't pay for two.
If your partner is like this, why are they? Do you just accept it? Am i being old fashioned? I actually don't expect flowers etc but just to be treated now and then would be nice, I mean he wouldn't even extend to a coffee if we were out, he thinks its a waste of money. Just to go out fairly regularly and be able to share the costs would be great...but if we go out (which is rare) i do end up paying for all or most otherwise we never would. And i end up feeling resentful (even if we had a great day out ) as i can rarely afford it (i really wouldn't care, if i could afford...i really do not believe the man should pay for everything)
And is your partner generous in other ways , if they are tight with the cash? Mine is but i still feel hard done by at times. Then again I have friends that have shite partners that lavish expensive gifts, hols etc and treat them like dirt..yes i envy the few that have the lovely and generous partners!
Please don't think i'm shallow /mercenary in any way. It would be just nice to go out more often and split the costs. We don't even have kids together (he has child who lives with his ex..i have none) so we do have the freedom to go out..no worrying about finding babysitter etc. As i can't have kids, i wish i could enjoy that freedom... maybe i'm unreasonable and i'm with the wrong person :-(
I don't want a rich man! I just want some normality with the one i've got! (ie going out, doing stuff...)
Maybe we're just incompatible..he's 15 yrs older and a 'homebody' I still like going out and get cabin fever, doesn't help we're in a tiny flat...
Sorry this has turned out long

alltoomuchrightnow Thu 13-Jun-13 18:02:03

i feel i'm too young (even though I'm not that young) to be just staying in forever..yes there is free stuff to do...but even then, a lot of it involves petrol etc..parking...which he won't contribute towards (my car, he doesn't drive) he just says he prefers staying in most the time, and then he doesnt have to worry about 'expenses of going out'

Ragwort Thu 13-Jun-13 18:14:31

It doesn't sound as though you are at all compatible, I personally couldn't live with someone like that. My DH does have his faults (as do I) but he is always, always 'generous'; we've always had a joint account, everything is pooled, even though I have been a SAHM for over 12 years I have equal access to the account. DH would never, ever begrudge me spending money on myself or both us having a nice night out/holiday or whatever.

He doesn't sound particularly generous in any aspect of his life, what are his interests and hobbies (apart from being a homebody hmm), does he spend time/money with his child?

Betrayedbutsurvived Thu 13-Jun-13 20:34:39

My XH, was tight as a gnats chuff. We once sold a sofa, and he cut the lining before he delivered it to check for loose change (outs self to anyone who knows me irl)

Oddly enough he was 15 years older than me too. You'll really start to resent him if you waste your youth sat staring at the telly every night. I'd strongly advise you to. Take a long hard look at his relationship before its too late.

Betrayedbutsurvived Thu 13-Jun-13 20:35:39

This relationship.

Stupid ipad.

Bogeyface Thu 13-Jun-13 20:39:22

I couldnt live like that.

Its not like you want to go out every night, I could see his point if you did! But the odd night out, say once a week, is perfectly reasonable even if you had kids, but as you havent it is ridiculous to be in all the time.

I have to say that I would be cutting this one loose and getting out and having some fun!

RandomMess Thu 13-Jun-13 20:39:24

I know of a few people like that in the end it killed their relationships. They are miserly and joyless!

Lavenderhoney Thu 13-Jun-13 20:40:42

From your post it sounds as though you are ready to move on. You don't sound compatible and perhaps its run its course.

Are you still doing all the cleaning? I'm sorry, but why on earth did you clean his house when you didn't even live there?

You need to be taken out and about a bit. I think you want to be. He might be saving money for his child from a previous marriage, but that doesn't mean you pay for everything.

Do you have any friends you go out with without him? Does he mind?

cece Thu 13-Jun-13 20:41:14

I don't think it's about the money as such. It's more that you have different expectations of what you want from the relationship.

You are not in any way wrong for wanting to go out occasionally (or more) and have a coffee if you want to. He clearly doesn't want to. I don't think you sound compatible at all.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 13-Jun-13 20:41:23

Bloody hell I couldn't live like that.

He sounds like an utter misery guts.

runningonwillpower Thu 13-Jun-13 20:43:18

It's one thing being skint. It's another being a drag.

frogwatcher42 Thu 13-Jun-13 20:45:43

I am a little confused. You say if you go out he can't afford his share so you end up paying? Does he work?

I think the problem is you have to decide if he is genuinely broke (presumably he is paying support for his child) in which case his tightness wouldn't bother me as I can't stand debt. Or is he just tight and had stacks of money hidden away (in which case you sound incompatible and he is being mean).

Maybe he just cant afford the cups of coffee etc and doesn't want to go into debt?

80sMum Thu 13-Jun-13 20:56:58

Oh dear OP, not exactly a bundle of fun is he?! He must have had some redeeming qualities that attracted you to him in the first place. Does he still? Are they enough?

Sadly I think you may need to consider that this man is not the one for you. If he is like this now, imagine how things might be in 5, 10, 20 years time. I

alltoomuchrightnow Thu 13-Jun-13 23:29:04

he is on benefits. he is genuinely skint.He has no savings, massively in debt. Either we don't go out, or I have to pay for it all. He doesn't save a penny and he does buy ciggies so i do feel resentful. He is generous in other ways but in many, a grumpy old man. Yes i guess it does come down to incompatibility..big decision time for me... What attracted me in first place? He made me laugh loads. I did know the score from the start..but i really didn't feel four years on, it would be worse... I guess a lot of its about different priorities.

alltoomuchrightnow Thu 13-Jun-13 23:30:07

He doesn't care about debt, Frogwatcher. Hence being in the position he is in. Lack of personal responsibility.

alltoomuchrightnow Thu 13-Jun-13 23:31:25

i already left once, but came back. I know i'm going to have to do it all over again and stick to it.

Darkesteyes Thu 13-Jun-13 23:49:54

alltoo my ex OM was a bit like that. Not enough money to not shout at me for taking too long in the shower but enough to buy cigs and a new mobile phone every 2 months

Selba Thu 13-Jun-13 23:51:37

Why does he not work?

Darkesteyes Thu 13-Jun-13 23:55:14

OP heres my experience which i wrote about on another site.

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# 91

dark lady
31-08-2010, 5:39 PM

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Is this miserly or moneysaving

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Hi I felt i had to join this site to conribute to this thread.One poster suggested to the OP to get a job.Well how can she attend a job interview in her only pair of holey shoes.The interviewer would think she didnt care.I once dated a man like the OPs husband.
1 My ex would time me in the shower only allowing me THREE MINUTES maximum (worried about his water meter)
2 i was round his late one night and when it came for time to take me home we found his sisters car which he had borrowed had been broken into,drivers window smashed glass everywhere both big shards and very small ones.I couldnt believe what he then said.
"well it will be a bit cold but i will brush the glass of the seats and drive you home" He actually expected me to risk sitting on broken glass rather than fork out for a taxihe insisted he had no money i only had 10 pounds to my name until payday. It wasnt until we went to the cashpoint i found out he had 700 pounds and it was only 4 days till his next payday.He begrudgingly lent me 30 pounds for a taxi after i phoned the cab company and got an exact quote from them and yes i paid him back.No way could we drive around in car with a smashed window.Police might have thinked my ex was the one who pinched it and it would have caused complications getting the crime number which you need for the insurance payout.Oh and it was November so it was cold
He refused to by a present for his brothers 40th not even a cheap bottle of plonk even though i offered to go halves yet he insisted on going to the party
He saw a duvet set in my catologue that he fancied so he asked me to order it and he would pay me back when it was delivered.
On the day it came i met him for dinner and took the duvet set with me and instinct told me to take the invoice as well.I gave him the set we went and sat down and i asked him for the money so i could pay off the invoice.Every time i asked he kept changing the subject and this went on for a good hour and a half.In the end i had to put the invoice in his lap.
The straw that broke the camels back in the end?He invited (insisted) that i pop round three days before Christmas and didnt tell me he had a really bad tummy bug and then he CRAP**D the bed I KID YOU NOT.He said he thought it was safe enough to try and fart HIS WORDS I went down with said bug on the Boxing Day.I was absolutely furious.I ended the relationship on New Years Eve.
Incidentally he would NEVER buy groceries at all unless he knew i was coming over 1 packet of pasta 1packet of pasta sauce 1 bottle of diet coke and garlic bread.One time i was too ill to go over and he had a right go at me cos he had already bought this stuff. He did deliveries for an Indian takeaway five nights a week and they gave him a free meal to take home every night.When i pointed out this was bad for his health he just said "Its free.
In the summertime i used to buy ice cream and leave it in his freezer.I gave up on this after a while as he would just let the electric run out and the ice cream would melt. One time i was getting out of the shower at his one NIGHT and the electric just went off and i nearly slipped.He would only get a tenner out of the cashpoint at a time but then would get the car out to take the five minute drive to the cashpoint every time he needed more
By the way this was a man in his early fifties.
There was also a time that he refused to go out and buy more toilet roll when he once ran out when i was over there and told me to take my Imodium so i woudnt need to go.(i suffer from IBS) I sincerly hope that no woman ever has children with my ex.It would be a pass port to poverty. I will NEVER tolerate a tightwad again!

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 14-Jun-13 06:31:41

It's not shallow or mercenary to want a partner that is solvent. Life is grim enough. This man sounds like he has a mean spirit as well as an empty wallet.... not an attractive quality.

hesterton Fri 14-Jun-13 06:44:05

It must be so boring being with someone who never wants to go out, but if he is genuinely broke, that must be hard for him.

Having said that, he does sound mean spirited. I think I'd be off.

BalloonSlayer Fri 14-Jun-13 06:47:22

hmmm . . . well doesn't sound like your classic tightarsedness as obviously he has spent money before and ended up in debt, so presumably is trying not to do so again.

However, it doesn't sound like a goer, sorry.

Can I ask? Was he particularly keen for you to move in? Because then he wouldn't have to "go out" with you, would he?

Ragwort Fri 14-Jun-13 08:43:58

I know someone exactly like this (hope it isn't the same man shock), can be utterly charming, friendly and kind but has serious debt problems <stupidly we 'lent' him a decent sum of money, I know we will never see it again>. He has children that he doesn't provide for, smokes heavily 'because he is stressed', has expensive dogs and still manages to attract a continual women to sponge off .............. I just don't know how.

Run for the hills.

alltoomuchrightnow Fri 14-Jun-13 13:53:22

he doesn't work because of back pain and that he doesn't want to work for anyone except himself hmm He does borrow off me and pays it back but it's a rolling debt as he's straight back to borrowing again. It's his flat we're in so he thinks I should be grateful and that that should make it 'quits' on everything. I moved here so we wouldn't split up because my home town is 50 miles away and he doesn't drive, and needs to be able to visit his son (by public transport). It's a lovely town here but I didn't know a soul except him and still feel v isolated.
Darkest... i was aghast and shocked at what you posted...and felt he's an angel in comparison to that man..but then i remembered..the other week he said i should be buying loo roll more often than he does, because 'women use more than men' shock I can't afford to move out. I tried before. When i can, he won't see me for dust.

alltoomuchrightnow Fri 14-Jun-13 13:54:51

he doesn't care about getting into debt..he couldn't be in any more debt if he tried (but those debts are from his marriage..years before i met him) he simply does not have the money. He's been cut to about £53 a week. He does not have it. But it makes for a miserable life. I would rather do any shitty job than try to live on £53 a week..but i'm not him a stubborn old bastard

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