I've been seeing him for a little under a year and it's always been difficult. He has mental problems and in April went into a psychiatric hospital for 2 weeks.
The past two months have been good and I really thought we were moving forward.
Yesterday afternoon I went round as planned and he was having an ''off'' day. We were supposed to watch the tennis. We essentially spent 6 hours straight arguing, him saying he ''doesn't know how to be in a relationship'', he doesn't know what to do with me, how to feel. He has no job and hasn't for a good few years (we're in our late twenties). His family basically are too scared to isolate him and so they tiptoe around him trying to make life as comfortable as possible. We have the same GP - yesterday he went to see her, looking to be referred to some specialist doctor, and our GP told him he needed to get a grip on life and stop thinkjng he was unique, because people aren't. That shook him and I suppose it's what kicked him into havng a 'bad day'. He was really sullen and introspective when I arrived, I had to try and get him out of the house. We kissed and then he tried to drag me into the bedroom (it sounds scary, but what I mean is he really wanted to get 'it on', but I could sense an aggression to it that made me realize somewhere in the back of my mind that doing it then would have been about him releasing tension and not really about sex, and so I refused and continued trying to get him out the house).
I've never been anything other than loyal and supportive to him. Our argument started because although he was generally being difficult, there came a point where he made a ''joke''. Can't remember what the context was but he said: ''I haven't given a shit about your feelings for awhile now''.
He said he probably has some sort of Madonna/whore complex, he doesn't understand what I'm doing with someone who is so useless in life and in bed (premature ejaculation issues). He said he was only capable of seeing me in three different ways - sometimes as magical and wonderful, other times he doesn't even think of me at all, and then sometimes just as a sex object. He said he wanted to tell me things he'd never told anyone before...then he broke down and said he ''hadn't been honest'' with me. He said when we first met, he was supposed to be involved in something with another woman. A woman who lives in Norway, who is also ''crazy'', who three years ago he thought could have ''been'' something to him. When he met me, they had been exchanging letters, but then he fell under ''my spell'' and realized that she was just an illusion in a way, that none of it was real. He said they had continued writing to each other until this April.
That's when I started crying. Maybe I overreacted because he never promised me anything and I suppose I always knew that he could never fully be mine, and I too had been tying up loose ends with a guy (casual) when we first met...but coupled with everything else, it just seemed like a lot. I got up and walked to the door but he wouldn't let me leave, he wanted to finish the discussion. I told him he had so little going on in his life that he was trying to suck emotion out of creating drama like this, and I also told him that I'd noticed that yet again he was handing in his notice for his most recent job (lasted 2 days in it) and was also handing in notice for his flat (his plan is to sleep at various friends), so I told him he was probably trying to get rid of me as well to justify having some big massive breakdown.
This went on for hours. We went to bed, had sex and went to sleep, he didn't touch me all night, same in the morning. In the morning he disappeared to get food but I felt so drained I waited for him for 5 minutes and then just decided to leave. As I was leaving he came back in and told me ''not to leave like this'', he had stuff for breakfast, etc. I told him I just wanted to get home. Then he said: ''Let's go to the lake tomorrow'' (where we go swimming).
I'm so confused. I love him so much and it's been an unsure thing since the very beginning because of his issues - I've never been allowed to get closer than the point he decides on. But it really felt like things were getting better...I just don't understand why he's trying to hijack things now, and why he didn't just let me leave when I wanted to, or why he didn't just finish things. What the fuck does he want from me?
I'm sorry this is so epic, I needed to get it out. If anyone can offer me insight on this I'd be grateful (any direct conversation about it with him is completely impossible), or if anyone has been in a similar situation. Don't tell me to just forget about him, I can't.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Headf**k boyfriend who I sadly love....HELP
waddlecakes · 08/06/2013 12:03
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