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Even though we are separate why am I doing all the work?

(49 Posts)
2712 Sun 26-May-13 22:23:40

DH and I are living in same house due to me not being able to afford to move in somewhere else, but to all intents and purposes are separated.
however, he seems to think this gives him carte blanche to leave it all to me.
The DCs come to me for everything ( I even get interrupted when I'm in the shower) as he does nothing for them, ie, put them to bed or get them a drink if they are thirsty.
I get them up in the mornings, get them dressed, fed, ready for school. I drive them to school ( he never offers even though he is sometimes working nearby), pick them up from school, bathe them, put them to bed, help with homework, read bedtime stories, watch DVDs with them, play games with them, etc. He does none of this, in fact, he doesn't even know the names of their teachers.
Don't get me wrong, I love doing this stuff for them but it really galls me that he comes home from work then just spreads himself out in front of the TV for the rest of the evening and doesn't help out.
We may not have a "relationship" anymore but we are polite in front of the DCs. However, that is changing fast and I have had to bite my tongue lately as I find myself doing the housework and looking after the DCs whilst he relaxes.
Today he played golf all moening then came home at lunchtime and fell asleep on the sofa. He was there all day until 9.30pm whereby he made some comment about "being knackered" and went to bed. I have been with the DCs all day plus cooking, ironing, bathing and bedtime.
Am I being played for a fool and how do I change this situation?

Theselittlelightsofmine Sun 26-May-13 22:28:31

Don't do any of his things, leave his dirty washing, clean washing, washing up, don't cook for him and if you really want to put your point across, label him a separate shelf in the fridge for his own food.

Doha Sun 26-May-13 22:30:48

You need to sit down and work out a rota for the kids, he should be doing his share as if you lived in different houses.

Are you doing his cooking, washing ironing etc??

If it doesn't improve you resally need to get seperate housing asap as your relationship will deteriorate.

geologygirl Sun 26-May-13 22:33:15

Can he not move out? Are you doing his laundry, cooking as well? Depending on the circumstances of your break up I would be asking him to remove himself to be honest. You may not be together in that sense but he should still be pulling his weight! He seems to think he's a childless bachelor. What an arsehole!

Hatpin Sun 26-May-13 22:33:22

I assume he won't move out.

Definitely don't do anything for him.

How long is this likely to go on for? Do you work? Are you claiming tax credits as a single parent?

Noregrets78 Sun 26-May-13 22:40:14

We did the 'separated but living together' thing for 4 months and it was hard hard work. He moved out just a week and a half ago, and it feels like a huge weight has been lifted. I can clean the house from top to bottom without feeling resentful for his lack of input at last. I care for DD when she is with me, and he cares for her when she is with him.

Think long and hard about what the plan is, and work towards that. It's impossible setting decent boundares when you're still in the same place.

Oh and yes definitely don't do chores for him!

2712 Sun 26-May-13 22:52:55

I stopped doing his ironing ages ago ( which is why the laundry box is full of his unironed clothes=not my problem).
I tend to cook far too much so he can help himself but it's generally stuff the DCs like such as spag bol and he sees stuff like that as below him IYSWIM.
He will never move out as this is his pension plan (pay off mortgage, sell for something smaller and live on the proceeds).
Am not claiming as a single parent as it all seems really complicated "proving" that you are separate whilst in the same house.
I really wish I could find somewhere else to live, but am not working, and can't afford a deposit on anything.
TBH I could manage this situation as we can be civil to each other when bumping into each but are very rarely in the same room. But I feel that he is leaving all the DCs stuff to me (which is basicly why I decided to separate from him in the first place) and it's just not fair, to me or the DCs.

Sunnywithshowers Sun 26-May-13 22:59:25

If you're looking after the DC, can he not leave?

2712 Sun 26-May-13 23:01:51

He won't leave as this is his pension plan (self employed). He pretty much sees this house as his with me and the DCs as "lucky to have a roof over our heads that he provides."

WafflyVersatile Sun 26-May-13 23:02:30

Sorry I still don't understand why it is not him leaving? Surely there will be some financial settlement and he will have to pay maintenance for the kids. I'd have thought he'd have to sell the house for that anyway, if you move out?

How do you plan to split custody of the kids?

Is it possible he's doing this to make you leave quicker?

geologygirl Sun 26-May-13 23:02:32

Have you got any family? Maybe you could move in with parents or something? This situation is not going to get better and if he is not adding anything to the lives of your DC, I see no point you staying there. It is having a detrimental effect om both you and your DC. Not sure how old they are, but they probably feel pretty rubbish that their father does nothing for them or with them. He doesn't even get them a drink when they ask?!!!? Jeez...

WafflyVersatile Sun 26-May-13 23:03:19

cross post.

He can see it whatever way he wants, that's not the same as how the law sees it.

geologygirl Sun 26-May-13 23:06:36

Sorry are you married? You should take legal advice and divorce him. He will need to sell up so proceeds can be shared. His pension plan is of no benefit to you and you need to do what's best for YOU and your children.

Hatpin Sun 26-May-13 23:13:56

I think you should see a solicitor. You are not as stuck as you think, and it must be a horrible atmosphere for your DC?

The tax credits thing is v. straightforward, you just ring them. They will ask a few obvious questions like do you have separate finances, rooms, etc.

Sunnywithshowers Sun 26-May-13 23:15:29

YY to legal advice. Fuck his pension plan, he has to help support his children.

PiratePanda Sun 26-May-13 23:15:38

Well he's an idiot then (as long as you're married). It's not 'his', it's yours jointly and will be legally split on divorce.

You should definitely make sure you're not doing anything for him though, as you will need to prove your separation if you're doing the 2-year no fault thing. Apparently things like doing his washing could mean 'not separated'.

2712 Sun 26-May-13 23:21:38

I have already seen a solicitor. his advice was to stay in the house but live separately as is the case. I do get some tax credits, but these are in his name so will stop if I or he leaves the house. I use these payments to buy food and clothes etc for the DCs but they are not enough for me to put aside to save for a deposit on another place.
I realise that I can force DH to put the house up for sale in order to split the money, but the idea of doing that and having to live in the same house until it's sold is just unthinkable. Civility would go out the window and my DCs would suffer as he would do even less around the house than he does now (if thats possible).

2712 Sun 26-May-13 23:23:29

Don't do his washing either.....it's just piling up in the laundry basket.

Hatpin Sun 26-May-13 23:33:30

You must get the tc in your name as a priority. If you do that, his will automatically stop, but I would think you will get more?

geologygirl Sun 26-May-13 23:38:57

Well you are still stuck living in the same house, so you should force him to sell up. At least then you have the chance to move on.

I think you need to proceed with divorce and a forced sale of the house, because otherwise this man will continue treating you like a servant he doesn't even have to pretend to like. If he reacts to this by becoming aggressive, you will probably be able to get him forcibly removed from the house and kept out via a court order. His opinions and wishes are not What's Going To Happen, he doesn't have more rights than you do.

2712 Mon 27-May-13 00:19:43

I suppose I was under the delusion that, due to his previous behaviour having cost him his wife, he might have pulled his finger out in order not to lose his DCs as well.
It seems that I have this misguided belief that he would make some sort of effort for their benefit but obviously not.

PurpleThing Mon 27-May-13 00:27:25

See another solicitor. You can`t carry on living like this. The best thing about splitting up is not having them lazying about on your sofa while you get on with everything.

IloveJudgeJudy Mon 27-May-13 00:32:23

Is there not any way that you could "divide" the house, with his and her parts? Then, on specific days, he could sort out the DCs? Maybe every other weekend (like a lot of separated people do). You could maybe go out every other weekend and leave him to deal with the DCs. Perhaps he could keep all his clothes in his room so that you don't have to see the state of his laundry all the time?

AdoraBell Mon 27-May-13 00:40:47

Is the house in joint names, or just his name? Get advice from another solicitor. He may well see 'the house' as being his retirement plan but things have changed and he has to accept that.

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