That's it really. Am lonely. We don't sleep together, can't remember the last time we had sex, very little affection usually only when I initiate. Don't really do anything together, don't even usually eat a meal together. Am lonely, tired and sad. I have a 10 year old living with us. I work full time in an emotionally demanding job could just do with some support which is freely given. 
Please or to access all these features
Please
or
to access all these features
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Plain lonely
42 replies
onemoredayplease · 22/05/2013 22:52
OP posts:
maypoledancer ·
22/05/2013 23:38
Sad title to a thread. But I could write that myself sometimes.
I'm out the other side, separated about a year ago. We actually agreed to separate before we physically did (took a while to sell the house). What was very telling was that having agreed to separate materially our relationship stayed the same, albeit more tension and resentment from dh who didn't want to part. But really not much changed.
OP and triathlon your marriages sound like mine was. I'm not flying the flag for separation, it's been horrible, really horrible. But a year on I am happier. My own boss. The guilt is diminishing. I had two dc a little older than yours. They adapt - they have to. I'm glad we are no longer modelling a bad relationship.
The worst bit is where you are: stuck in an impasse, a deeply unfulfilling relationship that you cannot bear to leave. You can only leave when you are ready.
I'm not saying this is necessarily inevitable for you, but if someone won't meet you halfway then things can't change. If this is the case eventually you will decide that you have to make the most of the years you have left and get out.
It's an old cliche but being lonely in relationship is worse than being lonely alone.
I wonder how old you are... I'm around 40. I missed a Uni reunion recently, partly because I couldn't face telling people I'd separated. The last one was seven years ago and only one person was divorced and it was 
I got reports from a friend about the recent one. I asked if anyone was separated/divorced and he said about a third of people.
Heard over the last couple of days from two male friends who have just left their wives, not for other women. Both... around 40. Marriages toppling like dominoes.
Once you get to mid-30s/early 40s you have made a life for yourself. You either like it and want it to stay the same or you don't and you have to make changes.
Dealing with separation is a whole other thread. But I don't think the marriages here can endure unless the other party is prepared to change. Even then it may be too little, too late.
I'm sorry for anyone enduring this pain, but eventually you will have to bite the bullet rather than condemn yourself to more years of misery.
I only wish I had got out sooner. I am lonely, very lonely, sometimes.
But no longer all the time :)
onemoredayplease ·
23/05/2013 08:16
Obligated to stay- that does feel part of it. It was me who suggested we buy together and I guess I feel that if I now say this isn't for me I will feel in some way responsible that he has to start again. As I write this I know how ridiculous this sounds.
I don't have to be here. Financially I'm independent. I do enjoy my own space, I have friends but I am self reliant and I have a fab employer who are hugely supportive of me.
I think my issue is that I wonder if I'm being unreasonable and maybe looking for something that doesn't exist. I want someone who loves me and daughter, who will support me and be proud of my achievements. My in laws are more proud of me at present 
5 words exchanged this morning before he left.
OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes ·
23/05/2013 08:34
"I think his head is either firmly in the sand or he just doesn't realise how bad it is"
'You've got me for life' sounds like something between complacency and arrogance to me quite honestly. He knows you're reluctant to show him the door so he's all right Jack and has no incentive to please anyone but himself.
springymater ·
23/05/2013 11:40
Get some counselling yourself. Perhaps later down the line you may be able to make it a condition of your continuing relationship that he comes too ie you start separate couples counselling.
I should imagine two husbands cheating on you has had an awful impact on you (you poor thing 
). Perhaps you don't find it easy to trust? It won't be healthy for her if your 10yo daughter is 'like a partner' to you (I'm sure she isn't entirely but you seem unsure whether she is like a partner or not..) - please be aware that this is a very damaging dynamic for her if so. She is also living in the soup that is a miserable marriage - don't be fooled that she isn't imbibing it on some level.
he obviously has his own gripes and you both appear to be very unhappy and you've both said you are lonely. He can't be saying to you that you're 'stuck with him for life' - I'm sorry, he doesn't have the right to dictate that to you. I'm not sure what he means by that - does he mean that he isn't going anywhere and won't give up on the marriage, that it is a lifelong commitment for him? But his actions say otherwise ie his body is there but he is leading a pointedly separate life. Perhaps he is doing that in protest that your daughter takes his place? It's not a healthy way to go about things, if so. He may be punishing you... or he may be desperate... it's impossible to tell what's really going on with him unless - and until - he comes clean.
YOu both sound desperate. Get to counselling - just you. And see where it leads. I hope you can make a way through this for all your sakes.
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
Please create an account
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.