Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Co parenting fail. I'm stuck

(29 Posts)
FightingFires Sat 18-May-13 15:18:37

Name changed for this, but pom bears etc, I'm an oldie...

Been separated nearly 2 years. The divorce is horrible, finances a nightmare, basically he's trying to beat the system (control freak, narc, etc) but living in the marital home with new GF and her 3 DC's. He has our 2 DC's (5 & 11) one weeknight and every other weekend.

Problems as follow:

Dcs come home exhausted as it is basically a massive sleepover party every time. Little DC has said she's fallen asleep in class at least once the following day.

Facebook and other social media accounts set up for them, with no supervision. Oldest told me about these and I closed them. She saw some horrible stuff before I did.

Today oldest tells me the 13 yo DC is allowed to drink, and shared her WKD with her. I'm not averse the the French style wine with dinner, though she never has, but vodka? Really?

I could email him. Did over the Facebook thing, just got a sarcastic/stupid response.

I'm actually very very worried that there is no parenting at all going on there. I dint know what to do. Stopping contact seems extreme. I'm stuck as to what to do.

lemonstartree Sat 18-May-13 18:15:20

You cant "go to SS". It wont help. Effectively you need to deny him contact and then HE will have to go to Court /Mediation to demand contact with his children. At that point you will be asked why you stopped it and can have your say. If it can be agreed in mediation what the 'rules' will be than all well and good, if not it goes to Court who may well order a Cafcass report. These are the people who look at parenting capacity. They are a very mixed bunch

only you can decide if his parenting is bad enough to do this. Even if you do, and all goes along quickly , your children are likely not to see their father to 6-9 months... (because you are denying contact).

It will be stressful +++, expensive, and there is no guarantee that you will get the answers you want. Much better - if at all possible to settle for 'good enough' parenting and try to negotiate. And I speak as a veteran of this 'system'

FightingFires Sat 18-May-13 18:47:55

Right lemonstartree, this scenario is more like what I envisioned. Doesn't help me much but does stop me looking like a lunatic to SS. Which would suit him down to the ground. Also can't imagine cafcass seeing him as a poor parent, he's wealthy, great job, all looking good on paper etc.

Also can't imagine telling kids they would not see him at all for a bit - think they would hate me forever.

I think I will still talk to the school, just so they know how chaotic the kids lives are there, maybe they will have helpful suggestions...

I would like to reduce weekday contact, but not sure how successful I will be at that. Lots to think about. Thank you.

lemonstartree Sun 19-May-13 07:04:39

I agree, talk to school, document your concerns (in an email to your XH) so that you have evidence that you have raised these things with him. Each time something happens that you are worried about document and send to XH. Then you have a record of a) whats happened and b) that you have tried to be reasonable and discuss. You may never need it - but you have it if needed.

Then try to provide re best possible care for your DC when the are with you. This too shall pass.

flowers

FightingFires Sun 19-May-13 15:47:27

Thank you lemon star tree only 13 more years... X

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now