feel like he's opting out of parenting - time to end it?

[LittleLisa78]

DP and I split briefly when I was pregnant with our DD who is now 1. I also have two older children from previous marriage. We split because he had done nothing to get divorced from his ex who he'd been separated from for years and was continually letting her rack up debts and paying towards them while not contributing to our home. Kids and I moved to a new house and he lodged with a work friend. We got back together just before DD was born but he can't afford to contribute still and isn't divorced, though he is making progress with that now - but we aren't living together.
I work part time and am studying for a degree too. I mentioned doing my Masters, meaning at a later date, and he said he was happy not to live together til after then - DD would be 3 by then! I do everything for the kids and am really starting to resent him. Older doc's asked if he could have baby so they could have some time with just me and he sulked and said 'why can't DD and I come?' Eldest answered 'because then mum will have baby all day as usual because you never do.'
A couple of weeks ago DP had a sickness bug, he stayed at his friends house in bed for 3 days. Kids and I then got it on a day DP was meant to be staying over. He made an excuse that he'd stay at his friends that night and come back on a night when he could have 'quality time' with me - aka sex! I was then up all night while he went to the gym, had a couple of pints with his friend etc.
He has looked after DD a few times when I've had work to do but he just does whatever keeps her quiet - I.e walking/driving so she will sleep, giving her things she shouldn't have - keys which she's cut her mouth on, a can which she dropped on her leg, even a pack of paracetamol once because 'she liked the shiny fool's - he hadn't noticed she'd managed to bite two out. Obviously I went absolutely batshit.
Final straw was last night, we had tickets to walking with dinosaurs which I'd booked and paid for to go to after dcs finished swimming lessons. DP finished work at school time but rather than come help with swim lessons he went to the gym, which we then picked him. Up from. We went out for dinner and to the show. DS started complaining of feeling ill on way home and surprise surprise DP miraculously had to go back to friends house so I dropped him off on way. In other words, he came out for the fun bit then opted out of the responsible bit.
When he isn't around the dcs and I are happier. I feel snappy when he's here because I resent that he's not helping, when he isn't the kids and I just get on with it. I have to pointedly ask him to take DD so I can do homework with elder dcs if he's here but he still just keeps her quiet with keys etc and hovers near us. The second dcs are finished they ask if we can have a cuddle but before we can DP is always there with DD who cries for me. Dcs resent him for this rather than DD but if he's planning on living separate for 2 more years then our DD will never learn to settle with him and it'll always be me doing everything for the kids and struggling to divide my time between them while he sits on his arse.
obviously I love him but think he's taking the piss. What do you think?

[Mumsyblouse]

I think you have analysed your own relationship very successfully- he's around for the fun (sex) bits and not the rest. My slight concern would be, when you split up (which I think you will as soon as you ask him to do anything, I would make the decision yourself), he's not a great carer- letting a toddler play with paracetemol isn't just a bit silly, it's highly dangerous and I think the time to get tough with him is around the corner.

[meditrina]

"When he isn't around the dcs and I are happier."

Says it all, really, doesn't it?

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

Yes, it's time to end it.

Why do you love such a self-centred waste of space? Do you value yourself so little?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I don't think he's a family man and he sounds particularly lazy and irresponsible. Not seeing anything dynamic in him if his divorce is anything to go by... all very casual. He seems to treat your family like some distant bachelor uncle rather than being an active partner or father. If you all function better without him maybe that's the way to go. I think he'd probably heave a big sigh of relief if you ended it.

[lifeisgoodwithsleep]

To be very honest from your post, it sounds like he has never really opted into parenting. You say "When he isn't around the dcs and I are happier"- Just think, you could make the decision to be permanently happy!

[Coffeeformeplease]

I think you got it right:

he is taking the piss!
you are happier without him.

[LittleLisa78]

The older dcs do love him though, they just resent his lack of help. Our baby doesn't settle with him but if I end it he may well not see her - he's said before that he wouldn't be able to cope with seeing me if we split

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

He wouldn't be able to cope?... And the waiting list for a spine transplant just gets longer and longer.....

[LittleLisa78]

I know, tell me about it. Just feel so sorry for DD that my decision could potentially leave her fatherless

[SirBoobAlot]

He's never going to want to live together. He's been happy staying away for the first year of his daughter's life. Things are not going to change.

You're better off without him.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It would not be your decision that would leave your DD fatherless, it would be entirely his. Plenty of people - mature, responsible, 'normal' people that is - can co-parent with an ex very successfully. It's just this delicate doily that struggles with anything that might be 'grown up'

[LittleLisa78]

I know, but it still doesn't change it being rubbish for her. I'd love to sit and write him a letter about everything I'm fucked off about so he has a chance to change but don't even have time for that

[LordSugar]

I agree with Cogito; you wouldn't be leaving her fatherless, it would be him that would be doing that.

You owe it to yourself and your children to be happy. I wouldn't waste a second more in this 'relationship'

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Your DD is only 1. If kids have a major asset it's that they very much take the world as they find it. Because you are their one term of reference, if you present your family as the four of you, that's what she will regard as 'normal'. It won't be 'rubbish' for her because a) you're obviously a very together parent , b) she won't know any different and c) she'll end up knowing quite a lot of children in the same situation. There's no stigma these days to just having the one parent.

[AnAirOfHope]

That is not a relationshit its a frirnd with benefits and he is stopping you finding a nice partner that help with everything. If he cant handle the daytoday stuff he is not going to help you in a crisis or in bad times.

With our first child my husband sleeped on the floor of the room next to the cot when ds had his jabs just in case his son was unwell and needed him He would be the first to clean sick up and to kiss ds better and give a hug, changed his job so he could spend more time with his children and had the first day of school off work so we could all take him and has not missed a play or parents evening. He wants to be a Dad your boyfriend does not want to be a Dad or he would be already.

Sorry

[ladyjadie]

Leaving your DD with her father could leave you DDless! He didn't notice she'd bitten two paracetamol out ffs!

I swear, I promise, I would bet any money I had that if you got rid of this lazy, cowardly, opportunistic weasel for good (no letting him worm back in, that's what weasels do), in a year (or less) you would be either:

A) Doing what you wanted without having to worry about being let down, looking back on this 'relationship' and probably laughing with your not-having-to-feel-resentful DC's

and/or

B) With someone else who will make you think "bloody hell, so this is what a real relationship is like, I'd forgotten!

[AThingInYourLife]

She's already fatherless.

There's just some useless twat who hangs around when it suits him and puts her in danger because he is neglectful.

This loser wouldn't even make the grade as a fun uncle.

Do everyone a favour and stop this.

It can't be doing your older children any good to see their mother debasing herself to stay with such a lazy, irresponsible, feckless asshole.

[LittleLisa78]

Thanks for your honest answers. I was off today and cleaned whole house, 2 lots of washing, Food shop, walked the dog, played with baby, picked older kids up from school, went to park for icecream, took them both to respective activities, cooked tea, collected kids. He arrived, had tea and played with kids for half hour while I washed up, emptied lunch and book bags, ironed uniform and bathed baby. He then played with baby for 15 mins while I read with dcs and now he's gone for a run then a bath and to sleep at his friends house while I'm probably going to be up the majority of the night with teething DD. He kept trying to cuddle me and tell me he loves me and I felt like telling him to fuck off. He seems to have absolutely no idea that I'm pissed off or why and actually thinks he's helping me out

[LordSugar]

I would be telling him to fuck off!

[whitesugar]

He knows the score, he just doesn't care about you enough to help you. It's really easy to say say the words I love you you but another thing to behave like you love someone. He is a dreadful partner & feckless father. IMO absent fathers do less damage than EA fathers. Read through your posts, pretend it's your DD writing this in 20 years time. What advice would you give her about staying with a partner like yours? You are doing a great job on your own in tough circumstances. You honestly deserve better. You sound like a lovely person & you & DCs will be a stronger team without him. Don't let someone treat you so badly. Good luck, if he is going to walk away from DD cos you don't appease him he is not worth keeping. PUT YOURSELF FIRST. You don't need that lead weight dragging you down. Good luck!

[LittleLisa78]

Thanks. I was pissed off again last night - he came for tea after work, we went for a walk then baby was unsettled so he went to stay at his friends 'so he didn't disturb us.' How good of him....! He may as well have just said 'no point staying over if I'm not getting laid.' Heaven forbid he share responsibility and try and settle dd.