Sulky angry DH WWYD?

[Queenofknickers]

DH is going through one of his regular bouts of fury/sulking. Refuses to tell me what it's about (usually something to do with house being "shithole") He is generally being vile to me and DCs. I've asked him if he wants to talk about it and he says no. I'm on eggshells and generally horrible atmosphere. He is SAHD and gets fed up with constant tidying up etc - I know how that feels as I was SAHM until we agreed he would leave the job he hated and i had to go and get a full time job. However I get fed up of my v stressful long hours job but don't strop about shouting. I cant currently do any more to help around house as Im recovering from major spinal surgery and am in constant pain - but back to work next week . Don't know how to react - asking to talk doesn't work and I usually just have to wait until he gets over it. WWYD?

[cestlavielife]

So he was like this before and blamed his hateful job ?
Gave up the job and blames you/the dc/anything ?

Go to gp and ask to be signed off for another two weeks.

Tell him to go elsewhere anywhere and either sort himself out or not.

You and dc don't deserve to live like this.

Maybe he needs a life coach or gp or he needs help, maybe not. Up to him.

Up to you to evaluate and decide whether you happy to put up with his behaviour or not. I would say not.

Hire a nanny, au pair whatever and pack his bags to go to his family or somewhere for a few weeks and let him realise things can't go on like this. He isn't happy in the shitithole ? Which presumably is his job as a sahp to sort out When he is in charge orto discuss with you how to divide responsibilities.... Well he is welcome to leave.
You can mange without this .


Then with distance decide what you want to happen...

[Queenofknickers]

I've been told I wouldn't get custody of DCs as he is the main career. Don't want to lose my sons...

Back to work has to happen as sick pay runs out and I'm only earner...

However I have told him his behaviour is not OK to which he has shrugged and repeated that he doesn't want to talk as "we don't talk" WTF???? I asked what he meant - he refused to answer. I have horrible feeling this is all to do with him being "sex starved" due to my illness plus he's hurt his hand doing sport so is in pain. Still shit though.

[Queenofknickers]

Meant to say he is main carer not career

[BOF]

Why do people cause each other such grief when they are meant to be partners who act as a team and support each other? It is so sad.

If you are out working long hours, you are unlikely to be responsible for the house being a shithole.

Is it worth trying some couples counselling?

[chattychattyboomba]

Ignore ignore ignore ignore! Seriously. DH does the same and i think he enjoys me pandering to it asking what's wrong just so he can reply 'nothing' and continue his sulking. Do not stress about it. Just look after yourself. It sounds like he is depressed but he can't expect other people to bare the brunt unless he opens up to you.

[cestlavielife]

You won't lose your sons. Unless you neglectful etc.

I have sole residence and work full time. but ex had more severe issues....

You could have starting point of fifty fifty .

How is he with dc when not shouty ?
How old are dc? Would they want to live full time with him and see you on alternate weekends and once mid week ? Would he Even want them full time ? If he cant bear mess etc.... Can you arrange hours to take pick up from school and after school club?

If he left how would you manage ? How would he manage without your income ?

[deleted203]

I can't bear sulking - it's completely childish and no way for an adult to behave. Ex used to do this. Would be utterly foul, ignoring me - if asked, 'What's the matter?' he would say, 'Nothing!' in tones of loathing.

I eventually got so pissed off with it that I would say cheerily, 'Oh good! I thought something had upset you' and then would briskly get on with life whilst taking no notice of his sulks. It annoyed him no end that no one cared about what his problem was.

However, it does get to the point where you just think, 'Actually - I can't be bothered to put up with this shit any longer' I found...

[Queenofknickers]

When he's not shouts he is good with the boys and they adore him - suspec they would want to live with him . He has no income so I guess I'd have to pay him maintenance . I don't think I'd come out of this very well .....

[BabylonReturns]

Bloody hell op I feel your pain

I could have written much of your post myself. I'm now firmly in the "let him stew" camp.

I'm done with pandering to him and trying to fix everything. I can't. So as long as DCs and me are good, I'm happy, and he is welcome to join in with our happiness whenever he feels like it.

Why are men such bloody children at times?

[OhLori]

Sorry to hear you have had surgery and hope you are on the road to recovery. If you are not well enough to return to work yet, I hope you can get your GP/consultant support on this.

You sound quite powerless. And I am wondering if your DH has manipulated you into this position? Or is it just a fuzzy way-things-have-turned out kind of thing? Either way, I think you need to think of some ways to get your power back (especially if he is doing this because he is sitting pretty). p.s. Would you feel happy if your sons stayed mainly with him and you were the breadwinner. Or is that a stupid question? (I'm sorry, I have never been in this situation.)

Regardless it sounds very strange that he is being so vile, you are so ill, and its all so terrible, but he won't talk about it.

[Dahlen]

Who's told you that you wouldn't get residency? How would you feel about a 50/50 residency split?

When you say he's being vile, can you be specific please? Is he calling you names? What exactly.

Could it work out better if you both worked part-time and took less demanding jobs so you can each pull your weight at home while still both earning?

If he won't go to couples counselling together and things don't improve, do you think you might be happier (once the initial fuss has died down) living in separate homes which don't have a bad atmosphere, each seeing the children equally. Even if you have to pay maintenance (and if you have a 50/50 split you may well not have to), I would consider that a price worth paying for my own serenity and for a happy environment for the DC to grow up in.

Does he realise how immature and damaging his behaviour is?

[Anniegetyourgun]

XH was the main carer (in theory - well, he was the non-earner and he did the school runs) and said I would have to move out and pay maintenance. What happened was that we got 50-50 of everything including residence, except after a year or so XH was patently unable to look after DC on his own so I got them back full time. So don't be sure you would lose 'em. Get a really, really good solicitor and don't let the party of the second part guilt you about using the money you earn on it either

[Queenofknickers]

Thanks for all your posts - it's really helpful to hear other people's perspectives.
I suppose I don't want to break up, when he is not like this which is most of the time, we are happily married. He is being totally different today and when I asked him he said he was having a bad day and he didn't want to talk about it as I'd take it personally. I Pointed out that it is personal because it is how he behaves towards me and DCs.

He said he was feeling ground down, like everyone's skivvy and irrationally cross with me for being ill. Deep sigh. I don't know what the answer is! When he worked he hated it and now he's at home he feels like a skivvy.

[Lavenderhoney]

Has he thought about working again or training for something new?

And he shouldn't take it out on you and the dc if he feels ground down. That has to stop as its unfair and will impact so badly on your relationship and the dc. Plus I doubt it will make you whip all your clothes off and get into bed ready for action.

Good he's talking though.