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Dating thread no 53

(1000 Posts)
Flipper924 Mon 06-May-13 21:48:03

The Rules

1 Develop a thick skin;
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon;
3. It's all BS until it actually happens;
4. Trust your gut instinct;
5. If it is not fun, stop

Off we go...

Loulybelle Tue 07-May-13 10:07:45

Nope Lubey, only been a week, dont wanna give too much away for reasons i cant go into.

But this has happened about 15 times in 4 years, no relationships in that time, all it does it is chip away at a very fragile self esteem, so now of course i believe once again its because im utterly repulsive and im just a source of entertainment and thats it. Kinda like a puppy at xmas, its cute at first, then you cant wait to get rid of it.

Winefiend Tue 07-May-13 10:09:07

Morning! I have a day off today as i was supposed to be combining a visit up north with seeing knobhead. Instead I am going to blitz my garden and then sit in it and do lots of uni work. Far preferable to a weekend of having my head mashed grin

Aah Louly, he could maybe justbhave stuff going on? I'd take the advice to just leave it, he could come back, could just be a bit of a dick or could have his own insecurities going on. The possibilities are endless. I hate that not knowing feeling so I have a tendency as I'm quite straightforward have a massive gob to just ask if there's anything amiss but that isn't always the best advice!

Loulybelle Tue 07-May-13 10:12:18

Wine, i tend to do that aswell now, since no fucker has the right to fuck me about on a whim, but i've tried, i shall try no more this time.

lubeybooby Tue 07-May-13 10:13:27

I promise you that isn't true Louly

Without wishing to sound big headed and despite my plus sized arse I am confident in my own attractiveness (being a model on the side helps) and I know I am a kind and intelligent person with a sense of humour and adventure so I honestly can't see anything wrong in my personality either and it still happens to me

It totally reflects on them being flaky and not you at all I promise.

Bant Tue 07-May-13 10:14:33

What I've found is that on first dates people are on their best behaviour. Second dates people come out of their shells a bit more and some of their more hidden weirdnesses may come out. You may choose to not see them again after this. I'd save exclusivity for after a third date, possibly having gone to bed with them and finding out if they screech like a gibbon.

I wouldn't sleep with two people at the same time, but I would consider still having first/second dates with more than one person as, quite frankly, so many just disappear due to issues with exes, deciding they don't want to get serious, or the fact they don't like me screeching like a gibbon.

People who want to get exclusive straight away, without even meeting you (in some cases) - that's usually a red flag indicating possessiveness and insecurity.

WFF - we always notice you smile

Also, what counts as 'disappearing'? I had a date on Friday with a woman who just wasn't my sort. At all. It was obvious. For the first time ever I actually thought about just saying 'no' and turning around and leaving when I got there - I didn't, cos I'm not an arse, but it was so obviously not right I did think about it for a second. So I didn't mail or call her afterwards with a 'thanks but no thanks' - does that make me a disappearer?

Winefiend Tue 07-May-13 10:17:53

Exactly what lubey said. I don't take it personally and definitely subscribe to the 'their loss' school of thought. Probably helps that I appear to attract men with seemingly apparent personality disorders so I can write it off quite easily as 'their ishooooos' grin

If you haven't met yet it could just be that he has met someone and doesn't want to be double dating. However, he could have the decency to tell you that. Remember, it's all BS until it happens.

Loulybelle Tue 07-May-13 10:18:35

Bant, im talking more about being so keen, like not leaving the other person alone then suddenly nothing, and its not the first time its happened either.

Loulybelle Tue 07-May-13 10:20:54

X Posted, Wine, if hes not interested, then i'd rather know, i respect honesty alot, and if he was honest then i could leave it and move on.

Winefiend Tue 07-May-13 10:21:49

Bant that is tricky, it depends really. If she was giving no signals whatsoever that she was interested she may be relieved to not have to deal with the awkwardness. If she was keen she's quite poss calling you all the bastards under the sun grin

I didn't hear much from mine (Sun date with the octopus hands) yesterday as he was hungover. I was quite relieved. This is probs not a good sign. I'll reply and let contact fizzle out a wee bit and if he (as I predict) texts me late on Fri/Sat a fuck off tablet will be administered.

mercury7 Tue 07-May-13 10:26:31

I dont think that makes you a disappearer Bant.
I have felt like leaving immediately on around 70% of first dates and had they not contacted me afterwards I'd not have bothered with the thanks but no thanks text.

When I've met someone who must have known from my photo's that I wouldnt have looked twice at them if I passed them in the street I just feel really irritated that I let them waste my time and I certainly dont feel as if I owe them any explanation.

VelvetSpoon Tue 07-May-13 10:34:51

Louly, this has happened to me a lot. I have had hundreds of texts and messages from blokes, with one I actually turned my phone off because I couldn't get anything done. Amd then (usually post first date) they go all quiet, text 2/3 times a day rather than 10 or more every hour, then disappear. Because they are complete dicks, each and every one. Either they are not looking for a relationship (and just bullshitting), or they are seeing loads of women doing the whole sweetshop thing. But whatever it is, it almost certainly won't be you.

I did all this stuff for 4 years, never got beyond a first date. Which made no sense to me at all because I know I am attractive, I have a good personality, great job, lovely home. In theory I should tick most boxes. My lack of success HAS to be them and not me - and it will be the same for you I'm sure. And after all that crap, I am now dating 4omeone who is a thousand times lovelier and far more attractive than all the idiots who binned me off after 1 date.

But if you want a break, take one for a while. Or carry on, maybe on a different site. You will meet someone nice evenually, however unlikely it may seem now.

VelvetSpoon Tue 07-May-13 10:39:39

Apologies for typos, am on my phone smile

Bant, I think as has been said, if she didn't seem too keen either, then leave it. If however she clearly was interested in seeing you again I'd send a polite thanks but no spark reply.

Loulybelle Tue 07-May-13 10:41:05

Velvet I had a break for a 18 months, it was an accidental meeting online, so i decided to take the chance.

Toni2710 Tue 07-May-13 11:22:57

Well glad im not some kind of OD whore! I did think it was really excessive to think that we shouldn't date other people just to go on a second date. Its kind of put me off him a bit to be honest. I fear I may be very fussy!

Louly - I think there are lots of men out there who just love the feeling of power they get over making a woman interested in them, then completely ignoring them. Bah. I's sure its not you.

Bant - I think thats fine. Im not sure I would contact someone I wasnt interested in after a bad date if they didnt contact me. That says it all really, and stops the predicament of wording 'im just not into you'.

Ex is dating a new woman - i hate it. I wish i could find someone i actually really like. That would help a lot I think. It doesnt help that hes purposely trying to make me jealous. Just need to remember that I left him because hes a lying cheating arse, and I can do better than that (easier said than done though :0( )

Just had a message from a guy i spoke to a while ago on POF, but turned down as I didnt feel ready to date (and he was lovely). He then disappeared from the site, just as I wad ready. great to have a message though, so potentially another date lined up.

Winefiend Tue 07-May-13 11:26:53

Toni that sounds really hopeful! Ignore the ex, if he's doing it deliberately then that confirms what a first class cock he is.

Secretservice Tue 07-May-13 11:30:17

A new thread! How did that happen?

OWW just caught up on yesterday's stuff. So sorry about knobhead, hope your feeling ok today. Please, don't let it derail Indie, you need - and deserve - all the good in your life you can get

Lubey still nothing but awe for you grin

WFF was that a dig, eh? grin

Nora hope you're feeling a little less inflamed this morning! Same goes for Wine's nose

louly welcome and believe what everyone says about the disappearers - and I think Bant's skating a little close to the edge! - it's not us. Or at least it's not you, it might still be me grin but I'm working on it!

Huge, double arm wave to everyone else particularly those suffering winedoom and carpiness. You know who you are!!

Winefiend Tue 07-May-13 11:32:49

Secret my nose is fine and dandy thank you. Sudocrem is a miracle worker grin

Secretservice Tue 07-May-13 11:49:09

Glad to hear it Wine! Maybe a glib if Vaseline as a preventative measure next time? grin

Secretservice Tue 07-May-13 11:50:05

Glob of, obviously

Winefiend Tue 07-May-13 11:53:53

Haha well there is unlikely to be a next time with this particular one but I shall bear that in mind for future ref grin

KirstyWirsty Tue 07-May-13 12:28:26

Waiting for therockclimber to arrive .. I feel quite nervous!!

EternalRose Tue 07-May-13 12:32:21

Hello daters!

So basically, I have been doing some thinking... and I hope you all don't think I am a prude.

But, I would not be comfortable with sleeping with someone after a few dates at all. May I ask if the reason for sleeping with someone so soon is to test out sexual compatibility? And if there is none, you would just bin the other person? Is it silly of me to think that sexual compatibility can be worked on if there is a connection in every other area of the relationship or is this me just being way too optimistic?

I haven't yet decided if someone being not that great in the sack is a deal breaker because I have been with someone who was fine, but he was crap in every other area of our relationship so I found him a big turn off, its all very confusing! confused

Bant Tue 07-May-13 13:05:15

Rose. No one is going to think you're a prude. Everyone has different comfort zones. I think you can get an idea what someone is line in bed from a kiss, to some extent, but for me if someone us going to just lie back and think of England, I don't want to sleep with them. Also if they turn up with handcuffs and a ball gag, that's just too much. Either one would put me off but I don't need to sleep with everyone just to get that idea.

I'm comfortable with the three date thing myself, but would go sooner if the spark was there. I've dropped people who obviously wanted to before though, on the first or second (or later) date if it didn't feel right for other reasons

Secretservice Tue 07-May-13 13:10:55

Good luck Kirsty

Rose I think we're all different as to what works. For me, it's almost like I feel I'm running out of time, and so am willing to risk the fallout of it being too soon in the search, so far elusive, for the 'movie sex' as experienced by Snape envy
And for the same reason sexual incompatibility would be a deal breaker for me. Twenty years is long enough, I refuse to waste any more of my life trying to train someone up!
But then I'm an old gimmer, you, if I remember rightly, have decades ahead of you to take all the time you need!

Winefiend Tue 07-May-13 13:11:41

Rose everyone is different. For me personally, sexual compatibility is really important as I've had two long term relationships (one being a marriage) in which we weren't matched at all and it inevitably (despite attempts to save this) led to us drifting into living as friends. This has probably led to me in recent times being too focused on the sexual side of things and tolerating more crap than I usually would.

I'm going with the three (at least) date thing in future now as I want to avoid the above and not let the fact someone is good in bed (and filth) cloud my judgement which it did in a very big way this time last week

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