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"when good people have affairs"

(112 Posts)
confusionoftheillusion Mon 06-May-13 08:13:32

I'd like to read this book To try and understand my recent behaviour but as DH and I are living together I can't just go and buy the book. I've tried to download via iBooks (it says they don't have it) and kindle (again the search won't find it).

Does anyone know how I can download it?

Thanks

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen Tue 07-May-13 07:31:55

AuntieStella I certainly don't disagree, I didn't mean to come across that I did.

I can't remember if OP has children or not, but violence always worries me. IMHO, once is enough and many, many women are 'satisfied' with the excuse of why they were abused to keep themselves in denial.

OP, (other than the DV) you need to stop putting yourself first. There's a wife and children who are suffering because of your 'love.'

You seem very obsessed with justifying the affair. It's not justifiable. Either accept that or keep obsessing, either way it doesn't deal with the real issues and fallout.

Only one thing. OP, are you choosing not to tell you 'D'H because you don't truly want to deal with what you and O have done, or because you're afraid he'll turn violent?

eccentrica Tue 07-May-13 07:50:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HoneyStAngelo Tue 07-May-13 07:53:33

What defines a good person?

Someone who embarks on an emotional and/or sexual relationship with another partner whilst all the while pretending they love the one they are with.

This extra curricular activity is born of selfishness, deceitfulness, arrogance and shows the adulterer as being a deeply flawed person who's own self interests are more important than anyone else's.

People who have affairs try to justify it by saying they are a nice person, a good person and in many aspects of their life they probably are but ultimately it reveals them as being very weak and incapable of true compassion.

If you have been on the receiving end of your partner having an affair you will understand the damage that has been inflicted upon you. To feel sick day in, day out, the awful knowledge of being lied to and behind each smile they made at you was a longing to be with another. The pain of being cheated on is worse than any physical ailment or disease I have suffered with.

As far as I'm concerned, 'good' people don't cheat.

eccentrica Tue 07-May-13 08:04:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HoneyStAngelo Tue 07-May-13 09:43:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kotinka Tue 07-May-13 18:29:41

I've not had experience of infidelity but I'm struggling to see what good will come of confessing all if you''ve stopped the affair. isn't it just assuaging your own guilt and causing the partner pain?
I'd also be wary of people urging me to confess as it looks like their motives stem from a wish to see someone pay for what they have done.


not intending to be insulting, genuine questions.

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen Tue 07-May-13 22:28:31

Kotinka

Because then the husband has the choice about whether he wants to be in the relationship with the OP. That choice was taken away when OM entered the picture. It will cause pain, but if (God forbid) my DH had an affair and I never knew I think I'd feel even worse if/when I somehow found out, that he was capable of lying to me for life.

justarandomguy Tue 07-May-13 22:34:20

Confusion, this is the wrong place to ask that question. Many of the people here are on the other end of what you have done, so you are going to receive a kicking. Its a great place to get that point of view.

Anyway good/bad/indifferent its irrelevant. Many people, including myself find themselves in your situation. Do not tell your husband unless you are looking to him to make a decision for you. If you are looking to rescue your marriage it will not help the situation one iota.

As someone else has already said you need to take responsibilty for your actions and your relationship. Which is really hard when you are in the midst of an affair, much easier said than done.

I would not torture yourself by posting here anymore if I were you. You will not receive any empathy, understandably and you are unlikely to receive much more in the way ofadvice from people looking at the situation from your perspective.

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen Tue 07-May-13 22:59:54

Just

Taking responsibility is telling your spouse. He wouldn't be making the decision for her it would be for himself.

I find your advice a bit contradictory. confused

Mosman Wed 08-May-13 00:31:25

In the five years my H was having an affair he let me have another child with him and emigrate knowing that he wasn't a proper husband and neither of those things would have happened had I known about the shagging around. That really really grated that he knew and I didn't to the point of fury.

Snowme Wed 08-May-13 01:39:03

killerRobot has succinctly summarised all you need to know.

Mumsnet is not the place to come for any kind of advice really, better off seeing a shrink.

Selba Thu 09-May-13 00:06:37

Agree with justarandomguy.

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