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Is this acceptable behaviour or am i just not cool enough:(

(111 Posts)
Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 07:47:16

My partner of four years and i have been happy for most of that time. He's the love of my life and ive worked at things with him more than i did in my previous relationship. We have had a difficult time this last twelve months unemployment financial difficulties few opportunities or funds for social life and very little family support from either side.
I am a person who likes to sort things out talk so as to make things better he is a person who needs space and distance in which to sort things out. Its hard to adapt to but i try. Not always easy though.
Trouble is over the last 9 months he has left the house a few times its always been his way but hes used to come back after visiting his brother or walking around for a while. Now he goes to his ex partners house to see his son. I have no problem with that he loves his son i would never stand in the way of his relationship with him.
However his ex partner who goes through phases of letting her son stay at our house or saying my partner must see his son at her house so i understand why he goes there.
Would anyone else be happy though if their partner stayed overnight (in their sons double bed) and occassionally had drinks with their ex partner while there?
I trust he hasnt cheated but its the intimacy of the drinking laughing the communication they will have. Its very obvious to me he respects her alot, he makes effort to be chatty and upbeat,I sound like im so insecure but they have a history a son, and not long after our first year together he text her and asked if there was a chance for them. He told me i told him he owes it to himself to try if he feels theres unfinished business. I want him to be happy im not so selfish that id want him to be with me if he wasnt happy. She didnt give him an answer just demanded he grew a pair and did right by her and her son No i love you, please come home nothing. This went on for months but he stayed with me. Then one day she asked him he said no he loved me. I truely believe he does love me. He doesnt really have many other places to go nor do i.
Ive asked that when he goes to her house that once his son is asleep he comes home to me as once hes asleep why would he want to be there ?
He agrees for a while then starts to stay over again.his ex has told me she doesnt love him but loves him as her sons dad and has admitted she likes the company now and again. He went friday after a row( it was me who was at fault ) but none the less i appologised it was sincere. Hes still there. Has been since friday afternoon. Hardly any communication. He's done it so many times this last few months even rings her and holds up the phone when we have disagreements. Its not that hes there so much as the no communication from him when he knows how upset it makes me. When he doesnt communicate i have to admit it infuriates me and although i dont show that in my communications to him i do text him quite a lot purely to evoke a response and only when hes there for nights at a time.
He says im paranoid but he does continuously go there and i am ignored when that happens. He says i need to cool about it. Im too controlling.?. I dont think that. i think she is the controlling one making him have to see his son at her house. Also i wouldnt sleep over or have drinks with my ex A because i wouldnt to but mainly out of respect for my partner and his feelings. Am i wrong in my opinion should i chill out? Please advise thanks. I havent posted anything like this before im Not even sure i should have feel a bit niave but want to respect his needs and those of his son, want to show trust in these actions but not be taken for a fool if you get my drift. Thanks everyone.

RollerCola Wed 08-May-13 21:43:13

Hi Purple, I've been thinking about you. Hope you're ok and have managed to make some difficult decisions.

Time to take out the trash Purple. Your Dad would be proud xxx

Morning purple! Hope you're feeling up to putting the rubbish out today grin Even if you're not, and you're sobbing on the kitchen floor, come and tell us,we'll hold your hand smile

CominThroughTheWry Tue 07-May-13 09:11:39

Good morning Purplepeach, I've been working but have followed your thread in my spare minutes. Good luck for today my lovely, you're going to be just fine.

Will be thinking of you, stay strong. You can do this.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 07-May-13 09:09:24

Ask him to post your key through your door when he comes to pick up his stuff.

Chigley1 Tue 07-May-13 08:57:53

I don't post very often either but had to join in and say that you sound like a nice person, purple. He does not. He sounds
Iike a complete arse.

Please gather every ounce of self respect you have and kick him out. For good.

sleeton Tue 07-May-13 08:57:32

Good morning Purplepeach are you about? I just thought I would drop in before I go to work and wish you luck for this grand, wonderful day! The day you change your life!!!

I haven't forgotten that yesterday you said, about your STBexP's stuff "Il be packing it all tomorrow either way have it dropped off.".

I do hope you are still going to do that, Purplepeach. Use today to remove every vestige of that man from your house, and begin your new life in which you will respect yourself!

Hope to hear later that you've moved all his stuff .... I got the impression from your posts yesterday that you would like to deliver his stuff to his Other Partner's house. Fine, if you can and that is what you'd prefer, but if you can't then please please don't use that as an excuse to yourself not to get rid of his stuff. Still do it ... just bag it up, and put the bags at the edge of your property (and, if you are feeling generous, you could send him a very brief text telling him that the bags are there and that he is not to enter your house again).

Good luck and have a great day!

RollerCola Tue 07-May-13 08:06:06

Just want to add, the longer you stay with this guy, the longer you're delaying meeting the TRUE love of your life who, lets face it, could be just round the next corner waiting for you.

You know, a real nice, sensitive, sweet, caring, funny guy. One who loves your very bones. Who worships you. Who would do anything for you. There are plenty of guys like that out there, there's one for you if you have a look. Stop wasting your life with this idiot.

sunnywindysunday Tue 07-May-13 01:13:50

I would hate to be this nice. You might as well write on your forehead 'kick me'.

OP you better dump him

PLEASE!

WhiteBirdBlueSky Tue 07-May-13 01:09:42

He's right. No caring parent would want to see their child being treated as your partner has treated you.

He has effectively ended the relationship with his behaviour. I agree with you, it's time to close the door on him and walk away.

Purplepeach Tue 07-May-13 00:59:02

Thanks everyone for your help and advice ive really needed the support dont feel quite so on my own with it all. I cant stand the thought of this continuing indefinately it hurts far too much. he lacks empathy and care and i would never knowingly put another person through this pain he knows how much im hurting and why.mI realise now reading others perspectives i cant possibly carry on giving myself to him I cant hang on to "the snippets he throws me" My dad told me in the summer to toughen up im his daughter he was a proud man able to handle himself, well respected, with a generous nature and warm heart, im his only daughter time to step back up to that mark the best i can.I just havent felt that tough since he died i told him i would and i will. smile thanks again everyone. :-) xxx

Gingersstuff Tue 07-May-13 00:20:19

I don't post often but this guy is a Grade A Arsehole, he really is. He's been acting like a complete shit to you for a long while now and keeps doing it because you've let him away with it so many times. Time to pack him up and ship him back to the Not-So-Ex, sweetie. You can do sooo much better.

AmberLeaf Mon 06-May-13 23:58:26

I think you are giving him far more credit than he deserves.

From an outside perspective it is obvious he is carrying on with the mother of his child, I doubt he was actually at his brothers, he doesnt deserve your trust.

He really isn't the person you think he is 'deep down' he is just a liar.

It isn't you or anything you do or dont do. It is him, all him. he is just a chancer.

Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 23:35:28

Well anyfucker put it this way the person i keep thinking he is deep down is getting harder to see. He can be so different tobthis a pleasure to havebin your life but is far too selfish to be in a relationship atleast one i want or deserve to be in he gave up on love when joman lol sorry f***ed him over. I think ive been fighting a losing battle ever since in retrospect.

Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 23:31:12

Lol amber leaf! I didnt and ive known since the summer when he went for a couple of hours to his brothers which lead to a couple of nights at his brothers then didnt come back for over a month no real explanation except he needed space. I knew where he was and trusted him but i couldnt believe how cold he was then it seemed to come out of nowhere. I felt like id been gutted! This has happened quite a few times since then, im not saying at times i havent been difficult to live with but its the having to deal with all this plus losing my father that made my head pop if he'd stick to what he agreed in the first place which was that once his son was asleep he would come home and not repeatedly go against that by staying over there nights at a time id be cool. But of course it couldnt be his fault.

Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 23:18:52

No i didnt answer it ;)

Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 23:18:17

Well if it means shut the f*ck up or i will smear your name as a bunny boiler hes being very random and a twat dont think im a bunny boiler i only text occassionally im not sitting outside her house stalking or banging the front door down and making a scene. I mean ffs! I dont know anyone who would tolerate this sh*t.
Based on the general concensus on here i think he's just playing more head games. Although i saw it as him saying dont be too needy and he'l respond better. All i know is im nearing the end of this self centred shite i will admit im softer than your average bear at the mo but he seems to either not know or not care that he's persecuting me ommiting telling me what ive asked him. I wouldnt have kept asking if he had told me in the first place. Game player and cruel at that. I dont see him changing and having much in the way of empathy for my distress anytime soon. Atleast his keeper will be at work tomorrow so she might give him his phone back we'l see lol.

AnyFucker Mon 06-May-13 23:14:02

Have you woken up to this dickhead yet, op ?

AmberLeaf Mon 06-May-13 23:12:08

That means 'shut up with the 'moaning' and I'll grace you with my presence' 'dont...and I wont'

Dont even dignify it with a responce.

Lweji Mon 06-May-13 23:07:15

Nothing.
Don't answer it.

sleeton Mon 06-May-13 22:46:43

Please, please tell me you are not going to answer it.

AnyFucker Mon 06-May-13 22:46:38

translation : STFU or I will smear your name as a Bunny Boiler all over town

what do you think ?

Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 22:43:41

Hes just text " be cool and so will i x" what do we make of that? Xx

Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 22:43:12

Hes just text " be cool and so will i x" what do we make of that? Xx

Confuseddd Mon 06-May-13 21:56:22

You know you shouldn't text him. I know how hard it is not to!!! Write him a letter then burn it. Begin to detach - you can do it. You will find all the support you will need here. And if you share with friends and people you trust in real life, they will help you. You are being really brave here.

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