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I've hired a private detective - stressed out - need a rant

(164 Posts)
ivmessedup Wed 01-May-13 06:34:18

On and off since August I've suspected my DP has been having an affair with a girl at work. We all work in the same building and have dealings with each other from time to time. In August I saw a text on his phone from her. Are u about?

Now, I've been cheated on before and as far as I'm concerned, this only means one thing. Why does she even have his mobile number??

Anyway, I challenged him on the text and he denied it in the strongest terms. I came upon them a couple of times in the staff cafe in the building after that, and sat with them, DP and I telling her about our DD etc. This threw me off the scent.

Fast fwd to 18th April. DP was out Fri before and lost phone. At work spot DP and suspected OW chatting. She walked off when she saw me coming and he was all smiles as if nothing amiss. However, I could see her through a door hovering as if she would come back when I was gone.

I pretended to walk away and, sure enough, back she came. Unfortunately, I turned back to catch them out but she had 't reached the room he was in yet, saw me, said hello in an awkward fashion and walked off in the opposite direction.

So, radar back on, I insist on taking his iPad when I take DD to soft play, so I can spy on txts (mobile data on). Of course he's not that daft. But I do check the contact page. It's open at her name. Not a list with her on it- her only.

Next I check the new phone which in the first week has only 12 contacts cos numbers are lost. Guess who's one of them, and under a false name too!

Happily DP has bought himself a crap phone he can't work and can't navigate to delete everything. Lots of txts to her, all deleted but unbeknownst to him, still showing on the log as sent.

Now, without concrete proof, he'll just deny it and say I'm a nutter so, I've instructed a detective to track him for 2 weeks. The only opportunity he has to be with OW is during work or immediately after (I always leave first to collect DD from nursery).

The tracking starts on 7th May and meantime, tonight I've found another part of the phone which shows the first line or so of deleted texts. "Work hard princess", "stay strong princess" are the two worst ones, the rest are just "coffee, cafe?"

Anyone reading this would be in no doubt, but I can honestly see DP still denying it. So, I need to wait for the PI report . Hoping they can get some photographic evidence.

Only thing is that's almost three whole weeks till I can challenge him! Need some support that's why I'm posting. Very stressful sad

TheVerySecondWife Wed 01-May-13 08:48:01

Hi,

I have been through something kind of similar and totally understand your need for solid confirmation despite all the obvious pointers. I really do understand the need.

I was a bit unsure reading your thread about if it was an "affair" or a bit of office flirtation until I saw he had her name under a false one. That to me was the most conclusive thing. The Princess being a second.

Having also stalked/searched/spied by stealth on my ex I understand the stress and pain. I totally get how despite being faced with lots of evidence that you still need someone else to say "yep you are right this is definately what you think it is, they met on X day and went to Y and did Z."

All I can suggest is that you keep yourself busy and and help bring this to the quickest conclusion you can. Perhaps you can create a situation and some time (whilst under PI) for them to get together more easily than your normal routine allows and pre planning this with your DH knowledge. Can you arrange to go somewhere with the DC, meet a friend or relations have a day out somewhere just you and the kids (something DH may not fancy) and just go you and the kids. Pre plan it so if there is something going on then your DH may decide to meet the other woman (if they are upto no good) and shoot themselves in the foot pretty damn quickly. Your PI will not need to watch them for 2 whole weeks if they gather enough evidence.

You have to be careful of not setting a "honeytrap" so to speak but you can create an ease of circumstances to bring this to a quicker result - assuming ofcourse this is an affair.

There is a slim chance that this is still a long term flirtation with nothing physical having happend. However, that does not make it right and I would be pissed off about the amount of time and energy he is and has been investing in that alone, as well as the lies.

Good luck and hang on in there.

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 01-May-13 09:31:35

You do not need evidence to divorce him...assuming that this is what you want to do, otherwise why go to such lengths to catch him in the act?

He is not reassuring you that he is to be trusted otherwise he would not be deleting texts and trying to hide things.

Tell him its over.

tribpot Wed 01-May-13 09:37:03

I don't think he is having an affair. I think he's having an office flirtation which is completely out of bounds and disrespectful to you, but I think your detective isn't going to find the evidence you seek.

And then what? Do you want to resume the relationship if he actually isn't having an affair? Your actions suggest you are going for broke.

SundaysGirl Wed 01-May-13 09:40:19

I feel for you OP. I've not been in your exact situation but I do remember feeling I was being lied to and becoming rather obsessed with what was going on. It really consumed me, I was at the stage where I wanted to hack emails and Facebook, although I never did any of those things, I certainly thought about it a lot.

It made me miserable. Yes he was cheating and lying about a whole host of other stuff as it happened but tbh what was worse was the months of feeling insecure and lied to and that something wasn't right and the obsession with what was actually going on, both before I found out and afterwards. The constant scenarios I thought of, all the questions with no straight answer, the times I'd allow myself to be pacified by his reassurances only to know in the back of my mind things were not right. Added to that the being accused of being jealous and paranoid causing me to doubt myself and who I was. It was a horrible, horrible time and I wish very much I had just walked away rather than going through all of that stress and anxiety.

I know that it feels as though you need to know the truth but the thing is even of you get part of it you will probably never get the full truth. I was obsessed with finding out the truth about my ex for ages and it took me a long time to accept I will never know what was truth and what was lies, who he really was and what he was really getting up to. That was hard to accept, but it was worse feeling so obsessed about it and stressed out all the time. I had firstly the constant wondering and worrying and then when little bits of information came out which I knew were lies or he confessed to something I would get the whole betrayal and feeling foolish thing going on. Then back to the worrying and stressing about a whole host of other issues.

It was exhausting, mentally and emotionally. I hated the woman I became around him. Worried, stressed, paranoid, needy and fragile.

I guess what I am trying to say is even if the PI finds sometihng out, it wont be the whole truth and it wont lead to closure in of itself. I do understand the need to try to know though.

Good luck.

ivmessedup Wed 01-May-13 09:53:10

Thanks for replies. I accept that I am jealous and have self worth issues. I was previously married and my husband cheated on me. He even had the woman in my house, in my bed.

When the first text arrived in August, DP and I were both working from home. The text said are u about? I didn't know the girl at all at this time, and was shocked that she would be texting him at all. He had never mentioned her at that stage. He was flumoxed and gave inconsistent explanations as to why she would be contacting him. She is in her 20s, he is 50!!!!! The phone was sitting under my nose which is the only reason I saw it.

Until then, I had NEVER checked his phone. His wife cheated on him too and as far as I was concerned, we both understood that we would never do that to each other. And that it would always be a deal breaker.

There are two cafes in the building we work in. One is used by the public and staff tend to stick to the other one. I popped in yesterday to try to catch them together and sit with them. He was there, she wasn't. I left and he phoned me half an hour later to check I was back at his desk. he then txtd her "cafe?" then another one "public cafe that is"

I feel terrible today, last night was the first time I actually saw the first line of all the texts. Until last night, I was probably hoping to be proved wrong.

Lueji Wed 01-May-13 09:54:19

My best guess is that the detective won't catch him shagging her.
Then what?

It might work if he was spending unusual time away from home for example, or you had concrete suspicions like a hotel booked.

So, you either trust him or not. If you don't, the best advice for you two is for you to leave him.

ColinCaterpillar Wed 01-May-13 09:58:34

ivemessedup That's really painful isn't it? I spent so long being suspicious and wanting to believe his lies, even when I knew they were lies I could still be in denial. The truth when it hit was the most painful thing I've experienced in my whole life. Even though I knew it. Even though my friends had seen. Even though my gut knew. My eyes knowing was awful.

BeCool Wed 01-May-13 10:03:32

I'd save the money too. Take screen shots of everything. You know they are having some kind of close relationship, that he/they are attempting to conceal from you. Does it matter if they are shagging or not?

If he can't be honest with you about his relationship with this woman then it's game over isn't it? He needs to give you a good answer as to why he has her under a false name in his new phone for a start!!

Sorry you are going through this.

Agree, it does sound like a bizarre work situation.

ivmessedup Wed 01-May-13 10:06:39

ColinCaterpillar, this is how I feel right now.

The detective will catch him, I'm pretty sure he has been meeting up with her on Wednesdays after work and Fridays. He plays football on Fridays. Last week, the kit was in the wash, but it hadn't been worn.

sad

elastamum Wed 01-May-13 10:19:43

Poor you. sad

I have been there myself and having been lied to for a number of years by my ex, I can understand your need for proof.

It is a big deal to end your marriage and break up a family on this basis, and he will lie to you and try to make you feel that you are in the wrong for doubting him. You know in your heart you are right, but you feel in need of third party validation, so when he tries to make out you are overreacting, you know you are not going mad.

In my case there was always another explanation - until I found their tickets for a week away shagging in new york business trip!

DontmindifIdo Wed 01-May-13 10:27:48

OP - if he's not DH but only DP, you don't need evidence, if you are sure in yourself, then that's enough.

Don't drive yourself crazy trying to get proof if the PI can't get it this week, it doesn't mean anything, you need to decide what's best for you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 01-May-13 10:41:01

You just want a detective to give you permission to dump him... You really don't need that permission. You're allowed to dump him whenever you like. Why drive yourself nuts?

BastardDog Wed 01-May-13 10:42:39

I can understand your desire for proof. The PI may, or may not, find that. Either way it seems your relationship is broken, probably beyond repair. I would spend the next few weeks planning the logistics of your separation and deciding what you want to happen in terms of who will live where, access to dd etc. I'm sorry you're going through this OP. sad

cleoowen Wed 01-May-13 11:07:17

I can understand your need for proof, I too would want to know just to put my mind at rest otherwise I would definitely always,be wondering.

I would go ahead with the detective as you obviously need evidence for your own piece of mind.

I am not sure this sounds like an affair though. But I think peoples perception of an affair if different. It could just be a silly flirtation or just a friendship which he feels he needs,to hide because he knows you wouldn't like it.

I think you do sound quite jealous and it's not healthy to obsessively check up on him. If you have shown jealous feelings before perhaps they are just friends but he feels he cannot be open about it as he is worried about your opinion. So far his behaviour is suspicious but doesn't show he is having an affair. IMO.

I think you need to address your jealousy issues though. Do you feel like you would be like this with a new partner if you found he was having an affair because of your past experiences?

Mosman Wed 01-May-13 11:13:34

Silly flirtation has no place in a committed relationship and let's face it it's not a giant leap from texting to emailing to ducking is it ?

Jengnr Wed 01-May-13 11:27:24

I honestly don't think this sounds like anything. I suspect it's the OP's jealousy issues that have made this into something it really shouldn't be.

irrational jealousy is fucking horrible and it eats away at you and all you hold dear. You need to get help for yourself so that you can get happier and more confident.

But you also need to decide whether you can trust this man, because right now you don't and of you don't you will never be able to be confident and free.

ivmessedup Wed 01-May-13 11:33:15

Jengnr, I admit I'm jealous, I love him. But do you really think it's nothing - "princess"???

SoupDragon Wed 01-May-13 11:37:29

What happens if the detective finds nothing?

He stores her name under a false name?
He calls her princess?
He runs around trying to meet her in private?
They text constantly and all the texts are deleted?
He goes to 'football' and yet his kit is untouched?

Just get rid of him. He's treating you like a fool.

Roxyfox Wed 01-May-13 11:40:40

It doesn't matter if he's shagging her or not, the worst part of cheating or an affair is the lying, that is what eats away at the trust and that is what denies the other person freedom of choice, if he isn't sleeping with her he should be able to be open about their friendship, yeah you might be jealous with him but if he knows he's doing nothing wrong then he could reassure you but firmly tell you that this is just friends and that you're being controlling.

However he's not being honest, he's hiding it and he's not just hiding it a little he's hiding it a lot, they're actively waiting till you're out of the way to meet, he's got her under fake names etc and the fact he hid her existence all together to start with suggests there's something worth hiding, I think next time you discuss this with him you need to tell him lying is not okay, and how you'd be willing to work through his cheating (even if you're not) if he's honest, hopefully he might come clean and save you some PI money. That's what I'd be angry about most here the lying, he's not allowing you to find out and leave him, he's hoping to trick you into staying. I understand the need for the PI, I don't think I'd personally do it but I'd definitely want some concrete evidence, you sound like you're going to leave him anyway so you're hiring a PI for the right reasons if it's for your ease of mind as opposed to validating you leaving him.

pickledginger Wed 01-May-13 11:47:28

Why hire a detective??? If you are sure he's cheating that's enough surely??? You don't need to prove it to him - he already knows!

ivmessedup Wed 01-May-13 11:47:34

The issue of lying is funny. I have been smoking and hiding it because I know he hates it. The last two weeks he has been going on and on "it's not the smoking it's the lies and deceit!"

pickledginger Wed 01-May-13 11:49:02

As for 'princess' envy [spew]

Jengnr Wed 01-May-13 11:55:40

The football kit thing is far more suspicious.

I don't think the princess thing is anything (except a really shit term of endearment). It's pretty much the same as babe, hon or darling. None of which I'd be arsed about.

Actually, not true. None of which I'd be arsed about now. Once upon a time I would have been and I made my ex's (and my) life a misery over stuff like this.

The football kit is worse of they definitely haven't been worn but the other stuff isn't. None of the texts have been incriminating have they, it's just the fact they were hidden. And tbh if I thought my husband would go off on one over me having coffee with a colleague I'd probably hide them too.

pickledginger Wed 01-May-13 12:24:29

Whether he's actually having an affair, I have no idea. The fact that you've gotten to the stage of paying someone to spy on him says that your relationship is badly broken. You don't trust him at all, rightly or wrongly. That's no way for anyone to live.

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